"Up In Flames"

Lucawindmover

Chapter Twelve

"I'll Remain"

Bellamy ignored how the cold of the metal wall behind him leached through his thin shirt as he leaned against it next to the doorway, a sandwich of toast and eggs in hand. He watched the room as Clarke took her breakfast over to sit with Raven and Harper. He knew that she could feel him watching her. He knew it because she was specifically not responding to it. The whole thing might have been counter-intuitive to anyone else but he knew she got it and that was all that mattered.

However Raven seemed to get it too. The second time she caught him staring, she stuck her tongue out at him and waggled her fingers in his direction. He grinned as Clarke, with her back to him, put her hands over her face and said something that made Raven burst into laughter. He'd have loved to know what it was but he found he was just as content not knowing.

Content. That wasn't a feeling he'd expected to feel, all things considered. It was a sobering thought, pulling the grin from his face rather quickly. He took another bite of his sandwich, letting his eyes continue around the room.

Jasper and Monty had odd company with Anya sitting in their midst. She couldn't have felt more out of place, clean and dressed in white like the rest of them. Without her braids and war paint, she could have almost passed for one of them. She was busy eating and had the appearance of being at ease but Bellamy knew better. Her eyes were darting around the room, much in the same way his were. She met his eyes once and he saw them narrow across the distance of the room. He felt his jaw tighten and he nodded slightly, a nod that she surprisingly returned. It wasn't trust but it felt like something akin to respect and he figured that was as good as he was likely to get.

He was recognizing more and more of their people now. Initially he'd been almost lost in a sea of foreign faces. They'd never all been so clean before. With most of the indicators of their personalities basically stripped away with the grit and the grime, he'd been at a loss to put names to the various faces.

One thing he was sure of though was that there were no Mountain girls here. There had been ten of them paired up with their guys, or so they had been told, but the girls weren't here. He wasn't sure how to process this information and realized he might have to have an actual conversation with Finn Collins after all.

He popped the last bite of his breakfast in his mouth and brushed his hands on his pants before crossing his arms, still not finding the face he was really looking for.

But as fate would have it, John Murphy happened to step through the doorway just then. He seemed startled to see Bellamy there, just inside the door, and he back-tracked quickly, heading back to the dorms.

Bellamy followed, hot on his heels. "Hey Murphy," he called as they neared the back of the room.

Murphy stopped, his shoulders tense, and turned slowly. "Bellamy," he answered, holding his hands up. "Look, I don't want any trouble."

Bellamy laughed incredulously. "Oh that's rich. You don't want any trouble?"

"No. I don't," he replied. "You can ask anyone here. I haven't bothered anybody."

"Yet you mean. You murdered two people the last time we trusted you."

Murphy's expression hardened and Bellamy could see him flexing his fists. "They tried to kill me."

"You hanged me."

Murphy laughed and threw his arms out wide. "Well at least we're even there."

Bellamy narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath, watching as Murphy reached up and rubbed his face.

"You wanna talk Raven next on your list of shit I messed up?" Murphy asked, one hand gesturing toward the mess hall where the girl in question as still having breakfast with the others. "Have you even talked to her about that yet?"

Bellamy frowned. "No. Why would I? We know what happened. You shot her."

Murphy shook his head and pointed to his eye. Bellamy hadn't noticed it before but the eye was puffy and noticeably darkened underneath. "See the shiner? Raven socked me one hard when she first saw me in here, alright? And then she told everyone to back up off me because she knows what really went down."

"What are you talking about?"

Murphy inclined his chin toward the mess hall. "Go ask her."

"I'm asking you."

"Look, whatever," Murphy grumbled. "I didn't mean to shoot her, alright? It was an accident. A misfire. I didn't even see her until after the gun went off."

"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Bellamy asked. "If that's true then why'd she hit you?"

Murphy shrugged. "Because it was a dick move, leaving her there. But I knew you guys were probably coming after me so somebody would find her. And because accident or not, I mean I did freaking shoot her."

Bellamy closed his eyes for a second and pinched the bridge of his nose. He'd have to talk to Raven about this but he had a feeling that Murphy was telling the truth. Obviously he was trying to absolve himself of blame so he did have a reason to lie. And yet it somehow rang true which somehow managed to piss Bellamy off more than it did to comfort him.

"How did you even end up in here? With us?" Bellamy finally asked dropping his hands.

"I circled back after I heard the drop ship fire off. It was either that or run right into what was left of the grounders. I didn't make it though. Some guys with guns and masks gassed me and that's all I got. Until I woke up in that white room with the girl."

"Harper."

"Huh?"

Bellamy took a step forward and watched as Murphy visibly shrank back a little. "The girl. Her name is Harper," Bellamy reiterated. "Harper is the name of the mother of your child. You should really get to know it."

Murphy continued to take steps backwards as Bellamy advanced on him.

"You know, she says you didn't do anything wrong by her," Bellamy continued, feeling his anger and frustration start to boil over. "She says you didn't hurt her. But you and I both know what you're capable of. You want to earn back a little trust around here? You wanna get out of this mountain with your life? Take care of Harper."

"How?" Murphy asked, pushing Bellamy back a step, his eyes wild. "What the hell are we supposed to do here, huh? I don't know anything about this shit. Hell, I was never first choice for father material. I was never gonna have kids."

"None of us chose this. None of us. But that doesn't fucking matter now, does it?"

"Fine!" Murphy shouted and Bellamy fought the desire to take another step back. "Fine. Tell me what the hell I'm supposed to do to help her. I'll do it, okay? So tell me. What do you do? What are you doing to help the princess, huh?"

Bellamy swallowed hard and turned away, pacing. What was he doing? Mostly, he was avoiding the topic because she seemed to want to avoid it, too. He knew they'd have to talk about it eventually. And in the meantime? He was just…there. That seemed to be enough right now. Being there and helping her with their plan to get out.

But Murphy needed an actual answer. He was waiting, arms dangling by his sides and a look of complete and utter loss on his face.

"Look," Bellamy said, stopping his pacing. "I can't speak for Harper. I don't know what she needs. But I know she's got to be freaking out, thinking she's about to try and do this all by herself. So you go find out what she needs. And you sure as hell find a way to make it happen, whatever it is."

Murphy sighed and took a seat on the closest bed, burying his face in his hands.

"You say that like it's so easy," he said, his voice muffled.

Bellamy laughed, a sound completely devoid of humor. "It's not. Believe me, it's not."

"Then how do you do it?"

"Because I have to. Because I don't know how not to. And I mostly don't know what the hell I'm doing," Bellamy admitted. "I'm just taking it a day at a time."

They were quiet for a minute, processing the weight that they were both suffering under.

"Is it true that you guys are gonna bust us out of here?" Murphy finally asked, uncovering his face and propping his chin in his hands. "That it's not safe?"

"Does it feel safe here to you?"

"Hell no."

Bellamy crossed his arms again and looked Murphy in the eye. "Look, I don't trust you. So you're not getting any information on this. But if you want to make sure you don't get left behind, your best bet is to do what I said."

"And take care of the girl."

"Take care of Harper."

"Harper."

Bellamy nodded and was about to turn around and head back to the mess hall when he heard a distinct buzzing sound come from that direction.

"That's just Raven," Murphy called out from behind him as Bellamy headed back toward the front of the room. "Stupid metal detector always goes off when she goes through it."

Bellamy froze and waited as all the hints Clarke had given him about the spoon finally settled into place. Of course. The guards had checked Raven a dozen times or more by now so they had to be getting a little lax about it. She'd managed to tuck the spoon away in a place that a general pat-down wouldn't reveal it.

As if to confirm his suspicions, Raven walked into the hallway area and winked at him on her way straight through to the bathroom. He couldn't help the smirk of admiration that pulled at him as Jasper and Harper followed after, not entirely looking like they were following her which was good.

He glanced back over his shoulder to see that Murphy had made himself scarce.

He'd just decided to check in with Clarke when the girl in question came around the corner, hardly hiding the pride she must have felt for circumventing the system.

Bellamy crossed his arms and leaned against the bunk that he was next to. "Your secret plan seems to have worked."

With her back to the camera, she let herself show the grin that had been simmering under the surface since she'd entered the room. "Perfectly."

"Where the hell did she put it?" he asked and then, with a shake of his head, said, "You know, never mind. Maybe I don't want to know."

Clarke scoffed and shoved at his shoulder. "You're gross. God, it was just under her boobs."

"What?"

She shrugged. "Raven said one of the first times they patted her down, one of the guys kind of copped a feel and she busted his nose with her elbow."

"Sounds about right."

"So since then, they've been very…judicious…with their pat-downs. So she tucked it into her bra under her boobs and sailed right on through."

Bellamy shook his head and sighed.

Clarke frowned. "What?"

"You two never cease to surprise me," Bellamy replied. And it was true. He'd never known anyone else as smart or cunning as Clarke or Raven. Having the two of them on the same team meant hell for whoever stood against them. The Mountain people would never know what hit them.

Clarke couldn't seem to tell if he was giving her a compliment or if he was teasing her and settled for just raising an eyebrow.

"So are they taking care of it now?" he asked, trying his hardest to not look toward the bathroom while he talked.

"Yeah. Jasper volunteered to be her ladder."

Bellamy couldn't help it. "Jasper? Is holding Raven up there?"

Clarke rolled her eyes. "Okay, he is not that scrawny," she said. She paused to take in Bellamy's bemused look before continuing. "Well…maybe he is. But he's tall. And Raven only weighs a hundred pounds, sopping wet, so surely he can manage. Anyway, what have you been doing? I missed it when you slipped away."

He felt his heart thump a little louder at the thought that she'd been keeping track of him as surely as he had been keeping track of her but he didn't let himself think about it too much. "I cornered Murphy."

Some of the previous good cheer seemed to melt from her face at the mention of their long-time nemesis. "Well you're not bleeding. That's a good sign. Wait," she said, quickly looking around. "He's not bleeding, is he?"

Bellamy rolled his eyes. "No. We played nice."

"Really?"

He shrugged.

"What's his deal?" she asked, crossing her arms. "Do we need to worry about him? I mean, we have a lot of other things to worry about. I'd be nice if we didn't have to put him on that list."

Bellamy shook his head. "I don't know. He's kind of in shock, like the rest of us I guess. Did you know he didn't shoot Raven on purpose?"

Clarke nodded. "She and I talked about that over breakfast. She's on the fence with him, I guess. She said he's been quiet since she punched him though. So I mean, maybe we can just ignore him."

He sighed. "He's probably gonna want to leave when we do."

"Oh now that's a really bad idea," Clarke said with frustration. "Tell me you didn't tell him he could go with us."

Bellamy shrugged.

"What?" Clarke exclaimed, throwing her hands up. "What the hell are you thinking?"

"I was thinking about Harper."

Clarke froze. "What?"

"I told him he needed to take care of Harper. That if he wanted a way out of here the only way he could get it was through taking care of her."

She stared at him for a long moment, her lips parted and her eyes completely unable to convey whatever it was she was thinking. She took a deep breath and turned away from him for a minute, her hands on her hips.

"I'm trying to think ahead here, Princess," Bellamy said. "You were the one who said something about how avoiding the truth doesn't make it not true, right?"

Clarke turned around slowly, all of the color drained from her face. "I don't want to talk about this right now," she said and made as if to shake the entire conversation off.

"Well then when, Clarke?" he asked, pushing himself away from the bunk. "Because we're on a timetable, you know. We can't put it off forever."

"And what are we even supposed to say about it?" she asked, throwing her hands up. "What's the point? Why should we get ourselves all worked up about it anyway? It won't help anything. It won't change anything. And you know what? If we can get out of here quickly enough it might not even matter anyway."

Bellamy frowned. "What might not matter? What are you talking about?"

Clarke swallowed hard, her eyes darting away from his. "If we get out of here in the next couple of week, it'll still be early enough…Monty…he knows the right herbs to undo this."

"Undo…it?"

She nodded, still not looking at him, pacing from side to side as she spoke. "Which would strike several of our post-escape worries off the list, for everyone who's interested."

Bellamy could not wrap his brain around what had just been said. Logically, it made every bit of sense. It was a practical alternative to giving birth to unintended children in the wilderness. What was it that he'd just told Murphy about how none of them had wanted this? None of them had chosen this? Clarke was providing a very practical and logical way of taking back their own destinies, of making choices based on freewill. She was giving him an out.

He didn't want an out.

He had spent an inordinate amount of time actively not thinking about the pregnancy, thinking of it as a condition with symptoms rather than the promise of a child. Until this moment, he hadn't even really thought about the idea of this actually resulting in a child. A baby. A tiny perfect human that the two of them had managed to put together. Freewill suddenly didn't matter so much. Fate and destiny and choice all fled from his mind at the thought that his little person might cease to exist.

"Clarke…." He started, trailing off. He wasn't even sure he had words to express how badly he did not want her to make that choice. He was completely dumbfounded, the blood rushing in his ears so loudly that he couldn't even hear anything else. He wasn't sure he'd ever been so speechless in his life.

Could she? Make that choice? Clarke was nothing if not practical. She was thinking ahead, putting the health and well-being of others ahead of herself. He gulped and waited for her to finally turn back to face him.

And when she did, he had his answer.

Her cheeks were stained with tears as she held her breath, waiting for him to say something, anything.

He reached forward and grabbed her by the upper arms, dragging her toward the open bunk and jerking the sheet down. She was trembling, tears still steadily trailing down her cheeks, still waiting for some sort of indication. He knew then that if he'd said yes to the herbs, she'd have taken them and not looked back. Knowing it gutted him and he found that she wasn't the only one shaking as they settled with their backs against the wall, shoulders touching.

Bellamy took a deep, steadying breath, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the wall.

"Is that what you want?" he finally made himself ask, though he was fairly sure he knew the answer.

She sighed heavily beside him. "I'm such a mess right now. I don't know."

"You do know."

He heard her head thump against the wall next to his.

"I don't know what the right answer is here, Bellamy."

The way his name fell from her lips, full of sorrow and helplessness, so unlike anything he'd ever heard from her, broke his heart. She was still trying to leave the door open for him. That's why she wouldn't answer. So he'd do it for her.

"Don't do it," he said firmly. "Don't find the herbs."

It was quiet between them for a while. They could hear a few of their people milling about but since there wasn't much to do in the dorms during the day besides sleep, a lot of them had stayed in the mess hall with the books and the games. He'd never been more thankful for the flimsy sheet that hung before them as he was for it now.

"You don't have to do this," she said.

"No. I don't," he replied.

"But you're doing it anyway."

He reached between them and took her hand, sliding his fingers between hers.

After another few moments of quiet, she sighed again. "I didn't want to. I mean, I thought about it. Finding the herbs. It made sense. So it had to be said. I had to say something. It had to be an option but…I didn't…I just didn't…" she trailed off and even though they both still had their eyes closed he knew the tears had started again. He rubbed his thumb along her fingers and let her have her moment.

"You don't have to give me an out," he said softly. "I'm not going anywhere."

She sniffled. "It's asking a lot of you though."

"Asking you to go through with it is a lot, too," he replied.

He could feel her shake her head. "Keeping this…baby…" she said, stumbling over the words. "It's a lifetime, Bellamy. It's forever."

"Mmhmmm."

"I can't ask that from you," she said.

Bellamy felt his throat closing up and his palms were sweating. "You're not asking."

The moment stretched for a little while. Bellamy pulled one of his knees up, getting more comfortable.

He startled a little when Clarke laughed. Opening his eyes, he turned to look at her, his brow furrowed in confusion.

Clarke let go of his hand, bringing both of hers up to her face. "I'm sorry," she said with a gasp, laughing again. "I just…I don't even…" she trailed off and laughter morphed into sobs as those bright blue eyes began to overflow again.

She leaned forward, propping her forehead on his knee and wrapping her arms around his leg as her body was wracked with sobs. Bellamy placed his hand on her back, trailing up and down her spine as she shook with tears.

"If you were to stop talking I don't know what I'd do. The future's far less daunting walking into it with you."

Lauren Aquilina "Wonder"