"Up in Flames"
Lucawindmover
Chapter Thirteen
"Here We Are"
Clarke wasn't sure how long she laid there with her head in his lap. He'd adjusted at some point and she laid down, her head on his thigh, curled into a ball. Bellamy hadn't quite known what to do so she just told him to keep doing what he was doing. Which he did, running his fingers along her back while she tried to decompress.
She'd meant to talk to him about this once they were closer to leaving, or maybe even in a group setting so she couldn't get cornered about it. The idea of terminating the pregnancies had come to her before she'd even known she was pregnant. She'd thought about it back in the white room, as a last resort contingency plan. It was why she had actively tried not to think about this as a baby, as a potential life. She had known that she could undo it if she had to so she'd been trying not to get attached to the idea of the pregnancy.
But he'd made her think about it. Whether he'd meant to or not, he'd given her the image in her mind of a baby, a real person, a tiny melding of the two of them. It hadn't been what he'd said. The words hadn't mattered. It was the look on his face, that heartbroken, open-eyed stare. The disbelief on his face that she would consider doing this. It was the realization that he might want the baby that made her realize that this was indeed a baby. And it was only half hers. She couldn't make the decision alone and once she understood that, it was all over but the crying. Quite literally.
Her tears had finally spent themselves out a little while ago and she was feeling much calmer. She wasn't sure she was ready to face him though. Her mind was reeling with his proposition, with his promise to always be there. It felt like something really good and it scared her. It scared her far more than she was ready to admit.
With a sigh, she pushed herself back up to sitting and tucked her hair back out of her face.
She glanced over her shoulder to see him watching her, a little warily but without any judgment. He was tense though, as if he expected her to cry again at any moment.
"It's okay," she said with a smirk and a sniffle. "I think I'm all cried out. You can relax."
Bellamy sighed and tucked his hands behind his head. He was still leaning back against the wall and didn't look the least bit comfortable. But he managed to return that smirk anyway and even though it wasn't his real smile, it was better than his previous expression. "You know, if you keep crying on me I might start to think you actually like me."
"Pfft," Clarke responded. "Excuse me for sprinkling you with my tears."
"Hey, I'm not complaining," he said with a shrug. "Just…you know…don't go sprinkling them on anybody else."
Clarke rolled her eyes and felt her cheeks warm at the implication. She wasn't sure he meant it the way she'd taken it though so she shrugged it off.
She brought her hands up to rub her face and grimaced at how sticky and raw it felt after all the crying. "I think I'm going to go get a shower. I need to check on Raven anyway. They've been in there way too long. They shouldn't be in there more than fifteen or twenty minutes. I don't want the Mountain people to start wondering what's going on in there. And I feel kind of gross now so a shower sounds fantastic."
"Makes sense," he said. "You want any help?"
She raised an eyebrow. "I'm pretty sure I can shower by myself."
Bellamy rolled his eyes and dropped his hands back down. "I'm talking about the Raven part."
"No, it'll be fine," she answered. "Besides, the fewer people we have spending time in there, the better."
She left for the bathroom with the intense desire to turn back and look at him the entire time she was walking away. But she was feeling a little raw right now, and vulnerable, and she decided that she was in no position to get so distracted. Their plan to get out was finally underway. And now that she knew for certain that this little life was going to be born on the other side of these walls, she was more determined than ever to get out there.
Clarke had no idea what to expect when she made her way toward the back of the shower area but it certainly wasn't the sight that she was presented with.
Raven was sitting on Murphy's shoulders with her knees spread impossibly wide, working on the screws. Murphy held her ankles to keep her from falling. Jasper and Harper were standing back, both with arms crossed, watching her work.
Murphy. He was not supposed to know the details of their escape plan. She clenched her jaw and knew that Bellamy was going to have a fit over this turn of events.
"What the hell is this?" she asked as she approached, gesturing toward Murphy.
"What does it look like?" Murphy answered. He was so close to the wall that is nose was practically against it. "I'm helping."
Clarke could barely see his eyes over the edge of Raven's thigh. So she turned to Jasper instead, waiting for an explanation with eyebrows raised and jaw set.
Jasper gulped. "Look, I tried to hold her up there, okay? But it was taking a while. And then Harper tried. And then Murphy came in here looking for Harper and…well…"
"I saved your asses," Murphy finished.
Raven gripped her fingers through the metal grating on the vent and used it to pull her body forward, which in turn bumped Murphy's forehead into the wall. Hard.
"Would you stop fucking doing that?" he growled, jerking her ankles down and wobbling her precariously.
Jasper put a hand on Raven's back to keep her upright but Raven didn't seem bothered. She just snickered and addressed Clarke instead. "It's been slow going. These things haven't been loosened in a long-ass time. But this is the last one aaaaannnnd…." She trailed off as she put leverage on the last screw. Murphy moved his hands up to her calves and widened his stance as she leaned into the motion. When it finally gave way, they both tilted for a second before Murphy got them upright again. From the smoothness of the motion, Clarke could tell this wasn't the first screw that had come undone in this fashion, which meant Murphy must have been helping for a while.
"Can I put you down yet?" he asked, his voice a little strained from the exertion.
"Easy there, Killer. Gimme a sec," Raven said, putting the spoon between her teeth as she examined something Clarke couldn't see from the ground. She nodded to herself and then reached down to put her hands on Murphy's shoulders, dropping herself down on her own. He was visibly relieved and turned to lean against the wall.
"I don't get it," Harper said. "Why'd you spend all the time turning the screws if you weren't gonna take the grate off?"
Raven turned to answer her but Clarke got to it first. "Because we don't want to make it so obvious to everyone else. Now that they're loose, it'll only take a couple minutes to get the grate off. But if we take it off now and leave it off, people are going to notice."
Jasper nodded. "And then they'll talk about it."
"In front of the cameras," Harper said with a knowing look. "And we'll all get caught."
"Exactly," Clarke confirmed. Turning her eyes to Raven, she asked, "So what's it look like in there?"
Raven sighed and wiped the back of her hand across her forehead. "I can reroute the power to the fan, continue the circuit so when we turn the fan off, they won't know. They'll keep getting the same signal and they won't send maintenance down to fix the damn thing."
Clarke frowned. "I sense a 'but' coming."
"But," Raven said. "I need something to strip wires with."
"You know they won't give us anything even remotely sharp," Jasper chimed in. He'd done a little wire work with Raven on the drop ship and knew the kind of equipment they'd used before. "But what if we just sharpen something we already have?"
Raven turned her attention to him. "What are you thinking?"
"Some of those board games in there have little wooden discs for pieces, right?" he said. "We could take a few of them and sharpen them enough to cut through the plastic."
Murphy grunted from his place against the wall. "Sharpen them how?"
"The floor in the dorms is concrete," Jasper replied with a shrug. "We could just rub them on the floor."
Clarke nodded. "And since they're made of wood, they won't set of the metal detectors. I like it," she said. "Will that do, Raven?"
The girl shrugged. "It's worth a shot. Gotta start somewhere, right?"
"Okay. Jasper, you and Monty take care of that. But be discreet. And for God's sake don't build another fort," Clarke said. Jasper mock-saluted her and left. Raven waited about thirty seconds before doing the same. Murphy was waiting in the doorway as Harper was about to take her turn.
But Clarke had a sudden idea and pulled the girl back by her elbow. "Wait Harper. I have a favor to ask you."
Murphy glanced at them but turned back around, not wanting to seem too much like he was waiting for Harper and failing miserably.
Harper followed Clarke back far enough to not be overheard.
"I bet I can guess your favor," Harper said once they were sure they were far enough back.
"Oh?" Clarke asked with raised eyebrows.
Harper jerked her thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the boy in the doorway. "You want me to babysit Murphy."
Clarke shook her head. "Not babysit exactly. Just…keep an eye on him, I guess. Let me know if he seems like he's going to be a problem."
She nodded. "Yeah. I can do that," she said. "And you know, I'm sorry. That he found out about the plan or whatever. He said he was looking for me. I don't know why seeing as he hasn't said two words to me since we got out of the white room but whatever, you know?"
Clarke knew why Murphy was looking for her but she didn't feel like it was her place to say anything so she didn't. She just nodded and watched as the girl turned and left, Murphy following her as she went.
Once Clarke was finally in the shower, she realized it was the last place she wanted to be. It felt too secluded, too isolated. And while the hot water felt really nice, washing away the remnants of her earlier battle with emotions, she was too alone with her thoughts. Thoughts that were increasingly returning to the little life she was currently growing and the partner who was tied to it.
She had said the word 'forever' and he hadn't even flinched. She couldn't quite process how she felt about that. On the one hand, her heart was hammering in her chest in a way that felt eerily close to happiness. On the other, he didn't have as much free will in this decision as they both were pretending. This pregnancy was the beginning of an obligation that he hadn't chosen. And while he could, hypothetically, walk away from the situation, they both knew he wouldn't. Even if he wanted to walk away he wouldn't. How could she ever know whether he was in this child's life because he wanted to be or because he was obligated to be?
Clarke cut her shower short, getting out immediately after getting clean and wasting no time getting dressed. She carried her dirty clothes out with her to the bank of sinks and the long, shiny metal mirror hanging behind it. Looking at herself in the mirror, she wished they had access to a hair brush of some sort. She did the best she could with her fingers, picking at the worst of the snarls and straightening what she could. She also hated that they had nothing to secure their braids with. She knew the other girls were lamenting the ability to tie back their hair in the way they were used to. On the Ark, scraps of cloth had mostly been what was available to tie up braids.
With that though, she looked down at her shirt from the previous day and she had an idea. Her eyes searched the room until she found what she was looking for, a small, metal protrusion on one edge of the mirror. She snagged the shirt on that edge and pulled until it started to rip. Once she had the start of a rip, she could do exactly what she wanted. She tore the shirt into strip after strip, trimming them down into small ties. By the time she was finished, she had several dozen little hair ties.
She took up her own hair on either side of her face, two small tendrils, and pulled them around to the back of her head, tying them off the same way she'd always done at the drop ship. It didn't take as long as putting it in braids and was perfect for keeping her hair out of her face. She stepped back and looked at herself in the mirror, feeling more comfortable with the reflection than she had in a while.
Dropping the remnants of her discarded shirt in the tiny laundry chute, she gathered up the rest of the ties and went out to the mess hall.
One quick announcement got the attention she wanted and the girls basically flocked forward excitedly to get ties for their hair. With grins and laughter, they fell into pairs and groups, braiding their own hair and one another's. It was a small thing but it felt like parts of their personalities were coming back as the braids were woven.
Clarke stayed in the doorway, watching. Most of the guys had groaned at their new pursuit and had split off, either going back to the dorms or to the bathroom. A few had stayed, those that weren't paying attention and were playing games instead, and those who were just as happy as the girls were, helping with braids or just lending moral support and companionship.
At one point, Clarke tensed as she watched Penelope and a group of another three or four girls headed toward the table where Anya sat alone, trying not to notice how happy the others were. Clarke was waiting for a fight to break out, for there to be angry words or fists thrown.
But the girls just offered Anya several of the ties, knowing that the Grounder was partial to a braid or two as well. She seemed a little skeptical at first. But Penelope kind of shooed the other girls away and sat at the table with Anya, apparently asking about Grounder braids. The two of them talked for a while before Anya motioned for Penelope to turn around. She then started braiding the girl's strawberry-blonde hair. Clarke wasn't sure what had transpired between them but she was glad for it. Any strengthening of ties between their people and the Grounders was a positive development in her book.
"What's going on here?"
Clarke jumped a little at Bellamy's voice sounding by her ear and she threw him an annoyed look that he ignored. He settled in against the wall beside her, taking in the image of their girls laughing and joking with one another as they slowly became the people he recognized.
"Getting back to our roots," Clarke answered with a gesture of her hands.
He nodded. "Glad to see you look like you again," he said, nodding his head toward her own hair tie.
She frowned. "I didn't look like me before?" she asked, genuinely curious and still not sure whether he was teasing her or not.
He shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "Now you just look like the normal you."
She raised an eyebrow.
"See?" he said with a smirk. "Badass Clarke, warrior Princess."
She laughed and shook her head, refusing to believe that tying her hair back changed her. But as she looked around the room, taking in the new light in the eyes of their people, the personalities brought back to the surface and with it, the will to fight, and she realized there might actually be some truth to what he was saying.
"Well, we needed something," she said finally.
He nodded and they were quiet for a while. Most of the girls were finished now, dispersing and going back to their usual business. Some were off to reading, others picking out games, and still others off in search of the boys.
"You know, I was thinking about something," she started, breaking their silence.
"Should I be scared?" he teased and she rolled her eyes, nudging him with her shoulder.
"Well now I'm rethinking what I was going to say."
"Oh whatever. You're gonna say whatever you want anyway."
She smirked. "Perks of being a badass I guess."
He laughed. It was such a genuine moment that Clarke felt heat rising up her neck at the sound, her heart beat faster at the sound. Her palms felt a little moist at the sound. And she had to remind herself that she'd heard him laugh before. This was nothing new despite how new it felt to her now.
"Anyway," she continued, trying to ignore how his laughter had affected her. "You like to tease me a lot about liking you. Just so you know, I think I actually do."
"What? Like me?"
She shrugged. "Yeah. Why? Does that make this—whatever it is…" she said, gesturing between them. "Does it make it weird?"
He shook his head no but his face had lost a little of the mirth he'd had before. "No."
She frowned. "Well now you look weird. What is it?"
Bellamy froze, thinking hard about something she wasn't privy to. She was really starting to wish she hadn't said anything. She'd been ready to tease him about the whole thing. It was supposed to be funny, a joke. She hadn't expected him to turn so serious.
"Do you still trust me?" he asked, his eyes searching hers as if he were expecting the worst.
"What?" she asked, blindsided by his question. "How could you ask me that? Of course I do. What would make you think I didn't?"
His shoulders visibly relaxed at her answer, even if his expression still seemed too tense. "In my experience, you either like somebody or trust them. Not usually both."
And she knew he was talking about Finn. He hadn't said it but she knew that's what he was thinking. She liked Finn but she didn't trust him. She'd trusted Bellamy and he'd thought she didn't like him. She hadn't really realized she'd liked him, not until recently. But, upon thinking back on it, she'd liked him for a lot longer than she had noticed.
"Guess I'm trying something new," she said, bumping his arm with her shoulder again. "You're the trial case. So good luck there, Guinea Pig."
Bellamy shook his head, a genuine smile breaking through his previous anxiety. "Nick names have to be the only thing you're not good at."
"Wow," she replied. "Go easy on the compliments there or else I might think you like me, too."
He chuckled. "Can't have that now, can we?"
"Nope," she said, taking a chance and leaning a little closer to him, their arms pressed against each other. "Might throw off the whole balance of the universe."
He smirked and shook his head, turning twinkling eyes back to the room at large. He leaned a little more her way, returning the pressure she'd started and Clarke thought she might be able to get used to this.
"The time will come when you'll have to rise above the best and prove yourself. Your spirit never dies."
Imagine Dragons "Warriors"