A/N: IMPORTANT: Hello everyone! I know it's been a while between updates. Sorry about that. But I have something very important that I would like to discuss with you.
I have been receiving A LOT of "guest" reviews begging and demanding updates to this story and it's driving me crazy. Initially, I took them to be encouraging and I tried to see them that way. But as the time between updates has been lengthened due to me being back in school with a full course load, the "reviews" have been more and more demanding, bordering on bullying.
The final straw for me was a review that wasn't even on this story. It was on "Come With Me Now," a story I work on to balance the angst of working on this story. The review basically told me that I should be working on this story, rather than the other, because this is the better of the two. Now guys. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But to try and tell a writer WHICH story they SHOULD be writing on is not only rude, it's disheartening and destructive. I very nearly pulled this story from the site because I was that upset by this. 90% of you guys are absolutely amazing but that 10% nearly ruined it for everyone.
The bottom line is that I won't tolerate being bullied. I write these stories for myself and share them with you out of the kindness of my heart. For those of you who have been nothing but supportive, thank you. For those of you who didn't realize your "UPDATE UPDATE" comments were more harmful than helpful, I hope this opens your eyes. To the one or two people who nearly got this story pulled from the site, I don't even want you here. Feel free to go away. All "Guest" review are now going to be moderated so for those of you who HAVE an account but don't always log in when you review, please think about it. I would hate to delete your review just because I can't tell who you are.
And let me be clear. I will never delete a review just because someone is critical of what I'm writing. If you have something you disagree with or don't like, you are entitled to express your opinion. But for those few of you who are using the ability to leave notes anonymously to bully writers into doing your bidding, I will not allow myself to be submitted to that.
Please be kind and courteous to writers you guys. We give up our evenings, weekends, early mornings, and free time to build these stories and share them with you. We are people with children and jobs and school and households to run so please cut us some slack and be grateful for what you receive.
Again, thank you to the MAJORITY of my readers and reviewers for being so kind and considerate. Let's treat each other this way across the fandom, okay? I would like to be a part of that.
Now on to the story. Thanks for your patience.
Luca
"Up in Flames"
Lucawindmover
Chapter Eighteen
"Home"
Bellamy knew that he and Clarke had been dancing around this moment for a long time now but he was sure it was for different reasons. Clarke had been avoiding it because she was somehow still convinced that he was only in this because he was obligated to be for the baby. She didn't seem to understand that while he might not have been in control of the circumstances, this outcome was one he would have probably chosen on his own, given the time and the opportunity. But now that both of their hands had been forced, he wasn't sure there was a way to properly explain to her how he felt without her always wondering how much of their relationship was obligation. So he had been avoiding it because he wasn't sure he could make her believe that he was in this for more than just the baby.
As Clarke's delicate fingers gripped the back of his neck, her lips moving insistently against his, her breasts pressing up against his chest, he realized that there was no going back now. They could no longer avoid the very obvious fact that, despite the undesirable circumstances, they both really wanted this.
Bellamy broke the kiss, hesitating for a moment as Clarke gently sucked on his bottom lip, pulling a heated growl from somewhere deep within him. He trailed his mouth slowly across her jaw to her ear, his teeth nipping and tongue apologizing as he made his way across. Her fingers tangled in his hair and she groaned a little as he sucked her earlobe between his lips.
"I should definitely be mad at you right now," she said breathlessly as he laid kisses down the side of her neck. One of her hands dipped below the collar of his shirt and nails skimmed across his shoulder blade, causing goosebumps along his arms.
He shivered and then smiled against her flesh. "Oh?"
"Mmhmm," she murmured. From his new position against her collarbone, he looked up to see that her eyes were closed. "I think you said something mean before you kissed me."
Bellamy moved back to her lips, kissing her deeply for a moment and relishing in the feeling of her nails scraping across his scalp and down his neck. Clarke's hands couldn't seem to be still and he wasn't complaining. He pulled back and watched as she struggled to open her eyes. "Do you even remember what it was?" He asked, grinning as a little furrow appeared between her brows.
"Remember what was what?" she replied, her eyes darting back toward his mouth again.
That was all the answer he needed.
Clarke's eyes rolled back in her head as he brought the fingers of his left hand down to trace the edge of her breast. He had to bite his bottom lip at the way her breathing stuttered beneath him. He had barely touched her. He'd had no idea she would be so responsive. He leaned down and kissed her breast through her shirt, lingering as she arched her back toward him. Her eyes flew open, pinning him with a heated stare as he nuzzled against her.
"God, Bellamy," she practically whispered, her hands framing his face and pulling him up to kiss her again. "What are we doing?"
"Whatever the hell we want," he murmured against her lips.
She laughed softly, pushing him away far enough to give him the most incredulous of looks. "Seriously?"
"Absolutely," he answered. He rolled his weight a little to free his right hand, using it to brush a strand of hair behind her ear. "Exercising free will."
Clarke reached up and pressed a kiss to the underside of his jaw and he felt his heart speed up. "We're not messing everything up, are we?"
He shook his head slightly, his eyes closing as she pressed a second, open-mouthed kiss to the space where his jaw met his neck. Damn. She seemed to know all of his weak spots without even trying. "I don't think it's ever going back to what it was, if that's what you mean."
Her arms pulled him down into a ferocious hug, wrapping around him so tightly that he felt his breath hitch in this throat. She buried her face in the crook of his neck as he slid his hands beneath her, hugging her body to his.
"I just don't want to lose you," Clarke finally said, her voice a little muffled but still holding the strength and steel that he'd become accustomed to with her. "I can't, okay? I can't lose you."
Bellamy sighed and adjusted, pressing his forehead to hers. "I'm not going anywhere, Clarke. I don't know where the hell it is you keep thinking I'm gonna go. I'm right where I want to be."
Clarke lifted her chin and captured his mouth again. Her body shifted beneath him and Bellamy suddenly found himself nestled between her thighs, her knees rising on either side of his hips. He couldn't suppress the moan that rumbled at the back of his throat at the change in position, feeling the heat of her core against his lower stomach through their thin clothes.
Bellamy knew they were spiraling out of control. He could feel her fingers shaking as they gripped his shoulders. His heart was pounding in his ears so loudly that he wasn't sure how Clarke couldn't hear it wasn't sure how far was too far…or if there even was a too far anymore. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable but at the same time he'd been noble for a lot longer than he was used to being. His body was feeling the effects of having her willing and waiting beneath him and if they didn't stop this now, he wasn't sure they'd be able to stop at all.
He kissed his way down her jaw and neck, along her collarbone through her shirt. Her breath was ragged as his fingers pushed up the edge of her shirt and his lips met the flesh of her still-flat stomach. And there he froze, his lips pressed against her navel, as the crushing realization hit him. There was a life in there, a tiny little person struggling against all odds to come into this world. Bellamy's forehead dipped forward and he sighed. They couldn't do this right now.
With shaking hands, he pulled her shirt back down, refusing to meet her eyes as he moved back up her body far enough to lay his head against her heart. It was pounding away furiously beneath his cheek and he had to close his eyes for a moment to get his own breathing back in check.
"What is it?" Clarke finally asked. Bellamy felt her hands move and fingers run through his hair, tangling in the dark curls.
"Just thinking that we should probably slow this down," he answered, eyes still closed. He was a little impressed that his voice came out even.
There was an awfully long pause before she replied and when she did, it was only with a very disappointed, "Oh."
Bellamy reluctantly pushed up on his elbows to look at her. He was holding most of his weight off of her but he hadn't been able to bring himself to move from between her legs just yet.
The look of confusion on her face, the little crease in her forehead that usually meant her feelings had been hurt, the question in her eyes…it was all too much. "Not because I want to stop," he said and to illustrate his point, he shifted up her body enough to press his very painful erection against her core and watched as her mouth dropped open wordlessly.
Clarke bit her bottom lip and almost whimpered when he lowered her left leg so he could roll to the side and take himself out of such a tempting position.
"Then why?" she asked. She rolled toward him, her eyes still full of heat.
With a sigh, he reached forward and gently brushed his fingers across her stomach. She relaxed under his touch, her face softening as she seemed to read his mind and understand his hesitation.
"Bellamy, pregnant women can have sex," she explained. She grasped his hand, trapping it between her hand and her stomach.
"It's never dangerous?" he asked, unable to take his eyes from where their hands were clasped over her belly.
"Well, it's discouraged during high-risk pregnancies," Clarke answered.
"Would 'high-risk' include a ten week pregnancy?"
She didn't say anything for a moment and Bellamy finally met her eyes to see her deflate a little.
"Yeah, I guess so," she groaned. "Damn it." Clarke rolled on her back and put her hands over her face, rubbing her eyes with the heels of her hands.
Bellamy chuckled softly and shifted to his back as well. "If it makes you feel any better," he said as he tucked his hands behind his head. "I'm not happy about it either. Trying to be good over here."
"Yeah right," she muttered. "Get a girl all hot and bothered and just leave her that way. You're a model for good behavior."
He grinned, watching from the corner of his eye as she crossed her arms and frowned. Had the lights been up, he suspected he'd find her face to be bright red from her admission. "Hot and bothered, huh?"
Clarke snorted and rolled her eyes. "You know damn well what kind of state I'm in right now. But I know you're in a bad state too so at least I don't feel so bad about it."
"This is nothing new, Princess," he replied.
"What do you mean?"
He turned his face toward her to see she was staring at him intently with one eyebrow curiously raised. Bellamy licked his lips and turned his eyes back to the bunk above him. "It means that this is a problem that I usually have to fix in the shower every morning."
Bellamy felt her lean up on her elbow and he knew, without looking, that she had that goddamn know-it-all smirk plastered on her face. That look had been getting under his skin for a lot longer than he was prepared to admit to.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?"
"That I have needs? Because yes, that is what I'm saying," he answered. "And cuddling up against you at night certainly doesn't help with that."
She didn't immediately have a witty response to that and it worried him. He furrowed his brow and looked to see her eyes focused steadily on her fingers, picking at the hem of her pillowcase. "You don't have to cuddle me or whatever," she said softly.
"You don't get it," he replied. "I get in this bed every damn night knowing exactly what it does to me. And I do it anyway."
She met his eyes with tilt of her head, a question in her eyes.
But he cut her off. "And don't you fucking ask me why. If you don't know the answer to that by now, we need a different way of communicating. That's for damn sure."
Clarke grinned and dipped her head.
It was quiet between them for a while. Bellamy pulled their blankets up but they still kept space between them for the moment, neither sure they could continue to hold it together just yet. Clarke yawned several times and Bellamy was reminded just how late it had to be by now. The lights had been down for several hours and would be up long before they were ready for it at this rate.
But try as he might, he couldn't get his eyes to close. His arms itched to pull her close. He wanted to feel the steady rise and fall of her breathing, the quiet pulse of her heartbeat beneath his fingers, the scent of her hair surrounding him. It hadn't taken him long to move from enjoying these things to needing them.
Finally, after what seemed like ages, Clarke rolled toward him and he adjusted his right arm so she could lay her head on his shoulder. He sighed contentedly as she slid her arm under his shirt and left her hand splayed across his chest. As she settled, he could feel himself finally relax and a long yawn of his own caused his chin to bump her nose. She pressed a kiss there and he felt her lips smile before they left him.
Breakfast was an incredibly tense and somber affair. Looking around the room, Clarke could see she wasn't the only one picking idly at her food. Some of the guys were actually eating but most of the girls weren't. Clarke couldn't blame them. She wasn't hungry either and for once it wasn't because of the morning sickness.
They were all waiting for the meal to be over and for the first names to be called for prenatal testing. No one was sure how this was going to go yet and that unknown factor was one of the biggest causes of anxiety.
"There's no fucking way they let us all go together," Miller said, drawing Clarke's attention up from her uneaten breakfast.
"No shit, Miller," Monroe grumbled as she pulled a slice of toast into tiny pieces on her tray. "I really don't want to go back there by myself. That doctor said they're drawing blood."
Miller smirked at her but she was focused on her toast and didn't notice. "Are you scared of needles?"
Monroe shrugged one shoulder. "It's freaky, okay? Sticking stuff under your skin like that. It's not natural. It creeps me out."
He snickered and Monroe pinned him with an annoyed glare. "What the hell is funny about this?"
"I've seen you fight grounders and hunt boar without batting an eyelash," Miller answered with a shake of his head. "But you're scared of needles."
Monroe flushed and punched his shoulder but Miller just chuckled and threw his arm around her lower back. They shared a glance that said more than words could before they remembered they weren't alone.
"I'm with Monroe on this one," Bellamy spoke up. "I don't like the idea of any of our girls going back there alone."
Clarke didn't realize how tense she was until Bellamy's hand found her knee under the table and gave it a gentle squeeze. She didn't look at him but she did let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. His thumb rubbed a gentle circle there for a moment, waiting to make sure she was okay. She still couldn't look at him. Feeling a little more secure, she nodded very slightly and his hand withdrew.
From behind them there was the sound of a door opening and she and Bellamy turned at the same time. The maintenance door near the metal detector had opened, causing the room to fall into a silence only marred by the scraping of chairs.
Dr. Tsing stepped through the doorway with two armed guards and a clipboard in hand. Her eyes never left the list of names she was studying as she spoke to the room.
"Good morning everyone," she said as she flipped through her papers. "We're hoping to get this taken care of quickly today so you may all go back to your regular routines. But we only have four rooms to use for the prenatal testing so we're going stagger the appointments and rotate you through. First on the list is Penelope Adams."
Clarke stood as Penelope rounded the end of the tables. Bellamy grabbed Clarke's elbow but she gave him a determined look and he dropped his hand so she could walk to the front of the room with Penelope.
"Is there something I can help you with Clarke?" Dr. Tsing asked as the pair of girls approached.
"Actually, there is," Clarke responded. "We aren't comfortable sending our girls behind closed doors with your people alone."
Dr. Tsing looked up and turned her calculating eyes on her. Clarke tightened her jaw and narrowed her eyes, trying for all the world to not look as terrified as she felt on the inside.
It must have worked because the woman before her nodded and then turned to Penelope. "Is there someone you would like to accompany you? For moral support?"
Penelope looked to Clarke for a moment before turning back to look at the room. Monty was already halfway to her side. He nodded to Clarke, his expression dark, before taking Penelope's hand in his and following the guards through the open doorway.
It wasn't until the door slammed with a loud clang that Clarke was able to make herself move. She ignored the whispering that had broken out and focused on getting back to her chair without letting her nerves show. Once seated, Bellamy immediately grabbed her knee again. This time his hand would be going nowhere because Clarke clasped hers over it.
Raven, who had been sitting at a neighboring table with Jasper, Monty, and Anya, took the seat to Clarke's left and pushed the uneaten breakfast out of her way.
"I have an idea but don't you all look at me at the time," Raven said quickly, training her eyes to Clarke's to keep them from darting to the camera. "They'll think we're up to something."
Clarke nodded and looked down at the table, imagining that she could see through the surface to her hand clasping Bellamy's beneath it. "Go on."
"Look, you're gonna be one of the first people back there if their list is alphabetical," Raven continued. "When they ask who you want to go back with you, take me. That way I'll get to see the vent path twice. If we're gonna get out of here, we need to know which direction is the best way out."
Clarke could feel Bellamy's hand tighten on her knee and she immediately knew he hated that idea. She chanced a glance at him to see that he couldn't seem to look at her right now either. His jaw was tight and his brow furrowed, his eyes glued to the far wall.
It wasn't a bad idea though. Raven could act as her moral support and then she could act as Raven's, ensuring that they both had the opportunity to walk the hall twice. Clarke didn't want to stick around long enough to have a second prenatal visit so if they wanted to get information and get out, Raven's idea was a good one.
Two more girls were called over the course of the next half hour, one who took the father of her baby with her and another who took a female friend. Clarke swallowed hard at that, knowing now that she most certainly could ask Raven to go with her.
When her name was called, Clarke squeezed Bellamy's fingers one more time before she stood with what felt like a lead weight in her gut. Without a backwards glance, she stalked over to the guards at the door. The doctor with the clipboard was no longer Dr. Tsing, but rather a younger woman, presumably in training. "Would you like to take someone with you?" she asked, tucking her pen behind her ear and brushing a strand of dark hair out of her eyes.
Clarke nodded and looked over her shoulder to the table. Both Bellamy and Raven were waiting, their eyes showing different levels of desperation. "Raven Reyes," she answered.
Bellamy's shoulders tightened, his lips pressing into a firm line. Clarke nodded once, grimly, before facing toward the doorway. She could feel his eyes on her as she and Raven followed the doctor and guards out of the room.
"Take all of your doubts, You can throw 'em out. You may be unsure, but I know."
Every Avenue "Only Place I Call Home"