Author's Note:
Muse for Cliffjumper's dialogue: Hello_Evanescence
"Hello. I, ah . . . I think I owe you an apology. I mean, I owe a lot of people apologies . . . but I really ought to give you one. After all, I—I've lied to you. Pit, it hasn't been just you. I lied to Arcee. And . . . I lied to myself.
"I think, from the first second I saw the humanity in my torturer . . . I think that's when I started to fall in love with you. I don't know why. I told myself I just pitied you. I mean, having to live a crappy life like that, I just played it off. Even when I felt my spark hurt when you were shunned by everyone in the base those first months . . . I took up for you, sure, but I told myself it was pity. You were just so pathetic, that was it. And, the time when I really thought I had lost it was when you went flying for the first time.
"Ah, Primus . . . You were so beautiful, Nightstalker. I'd never seen you so happy before. The energon was flushed in your cheeks, you were smiling, and Pit, the dark skies and stars as the backdrop for your alluring beauty . . . I lost myself then. I know I did. But did I let myself believe it? No. I—I told myself that it was just a flutter of the spark, any mech would have felt it after seeing you like that. You were my torturer! I told myself I was being stupid, I loved Arcee, there was no way I could feel that for my former torturer, especially since I was still scared of you at that point. So I told myself that lie, and I continued to string Arcee along like a fool. Pit, she even noticed it . . . She always accused me of how much I talked about you, how often you crossed my mind. I saw you in everything. She was jealous, because she knew whatever I had felt for her was gone. I was so infatuated with you I couldn't even see it . . .
"I don't know why Arcee stayed. I think, maybe, she was lying to herself, too. Pit, I can't even begin to understand what she was thinking, but I think it had to be something along the lines that she couldn't believe she was getting pushed aside for some cowardly, bi-polar, Decepticon torturer. I mean, Arcee's practically perfect in every way! She's honest, beautiful, strong, a warrior, and she's Optimus's go-to gal. She's got it all, and she didn't want to lose the one thing that mattered to her the most—a mech that understood her and that she could share herself with. So she just hid the problem of you under the rug and swallowed my lies while I kept stuffing them down everyone's throat.
"It wasn't until recently that I realized how stupid I was being. I passed off a mission with Arcee to go rescue you from the Decepticon warship, and that's when it really pissed Arcee off. Bumblebee was the better pick to rescue you, of course, I knew it, she knew it, Pit, we all knew it. But I still persisted, and that's when she called me out. She accused me of being in love with you, and it . . . it scared me. I didn't want to believe it, and I was scared because I didn't think I had what it would take to . . . love you. Take care of you. To teach you that . . . that whatever it was you had with Megatron wasn't love. I was scared I would fail you, and I'd only hurt you.
"So, yeah, Arcee and I are officially over. I think we were over months ago. We just kept all our infighting exactly that—IN. You guys just saw us as a couple that kept all our happy moments to ourselves, when in reality it was always fighting, and always over you. After Airachnid, we never romped in the sheets again. I barely touched her. I just did it to get her over that hump because I knew what she needed to hear. I think that's all it was with her. I never really loved her, I just never had the spark to turn her down because I could see how broken she was and how she needed someone to lean on . . .
"That's all I have to say about that. But you . . . Oh Primus, Nightstalker, when I saw you on the warship, in Megatron's berth room on that pole . . . I lost my spark to you again. It wasn't just how much I had wanted to take you right in Megatron's berth. No, it was . . . that graceful beauty, the strength, the hidden talents that you hide from sight because you're ashamed of them. Primus, you were beautiful . . . and I knew, despite what flaws you carried, I wanted you to be mine. I didn't want anyone else to touch you. I SEETHED with jealousy that Megatron had touched you.
"And . . . that leads me to this confession. Because, the reason I'm apologizing isn't just for what happened to you. I know that sucks like Pit too, considering . . . your condition . . . but a sorry isn't going to fix that. No matter how much I apologize. But I'm sorry that . . . I couldn't let myself see how much I cared for you sooner. I keep thinking that . . . that if I just—if I just had said something, would it have brought your mind away from Megatron? Would you have still pined after him, or could I have captured your spark and made you pine after me? If you hadn't felt the need to return to him . . . could I have loved you enough then to save you before now?
" . . . I don't know. Maybe it's just me trying to think of how I could have stopped this just to torture myself more. Heh, after all, you do seem to have that effect on me . . . torturing me. First my body, then my processor, and now my spark . . .
" . . . So. I don't know how long I've been out. I just woke up. But, judging on how low Ratchet's running on energon and how dead he looked on his feet, I'd give us two or three days. I'm sure the Doc wouldn't have stopped for anything. And, I think I ought to let you know that Bulkhead's on the berth with us. He's . . . comatose, like you. There's a big hole in his back. I don't know what happened, but I hope he pulls through too . . . No wonder Ratch is stressed . . .
" . . . Primus, N-Nights . . . I can barely look at you . . . You're so . . . s-so banged up and—and ripped up and broken . . . B-But you look a lot better now, I promise . . . R-Ratchet's gonna fix you up. He's gonna fix you up good. He's got m-magic hands, y-y'know? Magic hands, he can fix anything . . .
" . . .
" . . . And you know? I hate him. Megatron. By Primus, I hate him! When I—When I think about what he did to you . . . Pit . . . Nightstalker, that's a sight I'm going to carry to my GRAVE. I'll never forget it, and it's always going to haunt me. I pity you for how you're going to feel when you wake up . . . But Nightstalker, when I think of Megatron— . . . I'm going to kill him. By the All Spark, I'm going to kill him! N-Nights . . . I can't stand the thought of it. I get—I get so ANGRY that I just want to . . . I don't know . . . STRANGLE someone! I can't stand the thought of it! I get so angry I feel like my optics are bleeding Decepticon red, and I get this uncontrollable urge to hurt someone, something, preferably Deceptions, or better, Megatron. I just—I hate him! And it's like this dark part of me I never knew existed just wants to do to him exactly what he did to you—only worse. By Primus, ten times worse! I want to do so many bad things to him—
"And it terrifies me. I'm afraid . . . I'm afraid that . . . if you don't make it . . . or even if you DO make it . . . I won't be able to satisfy that lust for revenge, no matter what I do. I'm afraid . . . I'll lose myself in that anger . . .
" . . .
"So. Yeah . . . I uh, just wanted to get some things out there. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. And really, this silence is killing me. You know I hate the silence. You—heh, you on the other hand are probably dreaming and wondering who in Pit won't shut up. But you ought to know that it's me by now. Sorry, Nights, but I'm not going to shut up. I mean . . . the silence is really creeping me out, and I think my talking is all that's keeping me sane right now. I've got this really bad urge to just throw myself over you and cry, and I think you'd appreciate it if I didn't do that. Especially since Ratchet-the-Hatchet would have a cow if I messed up the tiniest detail in his work . . .
"Anyways, I'm talking to you because for some reason I'm thinking like a child as if it's somehow going to keep you here. You know . . . so you don't fade away. You've got to have something to hold on to, so just keep listening to me and just stick with me, all right? Stay tough, Nightstalker, stick with me, it's going to be all right . . . After all, I've really got to teach you how to defend yourself. Maybe that was partly my fault, after all, you couldn't defend yourself . . . Though I guess not many ever can against Megatron . . .
"So . . . um . . . Ah, Primus, I'm yawning. I haven't even been awake that long, I don't think . . . My chronometer is off, it's gotta be. It's telling me it's one in the afternoon. That's a bug I'll have to inform Ratchet of when you and Bulkhead start recovering . . . And Primus slag it, I need some . . . some pain killers or something, scrap my arm and leg hurt . . .
"Scrap, I AM falling asleep . . . Hey, Commander? I'd really—sorry for yawning, but I'd appreciate it if you could come . . . take over here. I'm dozing off . . . Yeah, sure. I know. Yes sir.
"Optimus is going to take over for me, I can't keep my optics open. You just hang tough, okay? I can't lose you, not now. Heh, after all, I didn't rescue you from that ship just to let you die . . .
" . . . Nights?
" . . .
"I'm sorry."
" . . .
" . . .
" . . .
" . . . Forgive me . . ."