A/N:
Wow, so uh, it's been a while, huh? I know ya'll probably want to rip my head off for not updating in so long and I sincerely apologize. Life got in the way, and I've been feeling really low lately, and I'm just trying to piece myself back together. I'm hoping that getting back into writing will help me with that. Slowly but surely things are getting less hectic, though, so here you are. I'm probably ending this in the next chapter, because I just can't focus on this one particular story anymore. But I am racking my brain for ideas to either write a one shot or another story in the very near future, so I hope that make up for this disaster of a fic. Anyway, enough of the pity party. This will be short but I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 13:
Castiel returned to school 2 days later, after Jo assured him that Dean wouldn't shove him into a locker or beat him to a bloody pulp, he deemed it safe enough to return to his studies. He was informed that dear Joanna had a conversation with Dean, and much to his chagrin, she refused to spill the details of said conversation, instead opting to tell him not to worry about it, and all that matters is that Dean isn't going to either tell anyone or cause any bodily harm to him, and for now, that was going to have to be good enough for him, because trying to get Jo to budge on something she doesn't want to do was like trying to find a word that rhymed with orange. It just wasn't happening.
Despite Jo's reassurance, he couldn't help but to feel wave after wave of anxiety flow through his lithe body as he opened the doors that led into the school, a part of him feeling like he was going to be bombarded the moment he stepped foot inside, pelted with insults and punches. His imagination had a sick habit of running away with him, often sifting out the worst case scenario causing him to go through unnecessary panic. But thankfully, when he actually did step inside the school, nobody even gave him a second glance. He had never been so thankful in his life to be an outcast and a virtual nobody.
Still, there was the pressing matter of seeing Dean.
Thankfully, he managed to avoid the green eyed boy for the first half of school, but it was at lunch when he finally spotted him. Their eyes met across the cafeteria as he was walking in and Castiel swore he could feel his heart skip a beat. Blue eyes met green, blending like fresh grass and a cloudless sky, and he was a little dumbfounded when he saw no animosity or hatred in those beautiful orbs, instead detecting something similar to longing in them.
He was the first to break eye contact, licking his lips and bringing his hand up to rub on the back of his neck, looking down at his feet as he walked to his regular table, sitting down with his group of friends, who thankfully had next to no clue what was going on between him and the older Winchester. Nobody but Jo, that is, who gave him a sympathetic look that made him want to go outside, bury a deep hole, and lie in it until all of this was over.
He let out a deep, pitiful sigh and stared down at the table, his brows slightly furrowed in thought.
"Why so glum, chum?" Garth asked, kicking Cas' foot from under the table, breaking him out of his Dean induced trance.
Cas lazily shrugged his shoulders, looking up to meet the questioning gaze of his friend.
"S'nothing. Just tired is all" he murmured, uncaring if anyone bought the lie. He could sense that Garth was going to persist on the matter when he noticed Samandriel tense up, the smaller boy gripping onto Cas' arm.
He frowned at his new friend's sudden change in demeanor, he was just laughing with Chuck about something, and looked at him, noticing he was staring at something so he turned his head to follow Samandriel's line of vision and swallowed thickly when he seen none other than Dean friggen' Winchester approach their table.
"Why is he coming over here?" Samandriel asked, nerves evident in his voice.
"I don't know." he mumbled back, looking to Jo who looked equally confused.
For a fleeting moment he thought that maybe Jo was wrong. Perhaps he was on his way to exert his dominance and show Castiel exactly how he felt about the "school queer" writing him love letters like a middle school girl with a crush, and his heart raced at the thought.
It was that thought that made it even more shocking when Dean approached the table, his eyes cast down on Cas, no maliciousness or anger to be sensed.
"Hey, uh, Castiel. You think we can talk? I mean, alone." Dean said, earning a plethora of confused and apprehensive faces around their small table of misfits.
Cas scoffed, shaking his head.
"Why? You gonna punch me? Perhaps shove me into a locker or lure me away so you and your knucklehead friends can 'beat the gay' out of me?" he spat, internally proud of himself for not succumbing to the nerves he was actually feeling.
What threw him off was that Dean looked a little hurt at the accusations, the taller boy shaking his head slowly.
"No. It's nothing bad. Well, I don't know if it is, but uh, you know. Nobody is going to hurt you. I just need to talk to you. About the notes you let me copy from in class." Dean replied, his brow raising to emphasize his point, and Cas knew immediately what he was referring to.
"5 minutes. That's it. I would like to enjoy my lunch" he said sternly, pointedly ignoring the concerned looks of his friends, and even more disturbingly the look of hope on Jo's face.
"Be careful, Cas. If you need us we're right here." Kevin said, and if looks could kill, the glare he was shooting at Dean would have made him drop on the spot.
"Thanks, Kev. I'll be fine, though." he reassured, standing up and looking over at Dean.
"Not here." Dean said simply, nodding his head toward an empty table at the back of the cafeteria. It was right by the garbage cans so most people tended to avoid sitting there. It would make a semi-private, albeit smelly place to talk.
"Very well." he replied, not waiting for Dean before stalking off to the back table, plopping down and crinkling his nose at the foul stench, waiting for Dean to hurry his ass up and get the show on the road.
Sure enough, some 30 seconds later, Dean joined him, sitting in the seat across from him, looking absolutely wrecked. Cas hadn't got a good look before but now that they were closer he could see dark circles under Dean's stupidly beautiful eyes, and his normally perfectly coiffed hair was in disarray, sticking up from all angles, and even more perplexing is Dean looked nervous. Cas couldn't recall a time where he had ever witnessed that expression on Dean's face. Still, he wanted to get down to business.
"If you're here to bully me, or threaten me, save it, okay? Those notes were a mistake, and rest assure, I definitely don't feel the same way anymore. It was stupid and I promise nobody will find out I wrote them." he said, clasping his hands and resting them on the table.
Dean frowned deeply and looked like a kicked puppy.
"No, dude. I'm not here to fucking bully you, okay?" he said, voice tired.
Cas raised his eyebrows and tilted his head slightly.
"Then what do you want?"
Dean exhaled deeply and ran his hand through his hair. He looked like a fucking basket case.
"I uhm, fuck. I don't even know where to start, dude." he said, clearly flustered. "Look, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Like, a lot. I've been losing my fucking mind over this, Cas. You have no idea. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. About everything." he continued, clearly rambling.
Cas sighed softly and slumped slightly in his seat. He had no idea where Dean was going with this or what the hell he was talking about, and he was feeling mildly annoyed. It didn't help that the eyes of most of their peers in the cafeteria were glued to the pair, obviously perplexed as to why they were sitting together.
"Spit it out, Dean." he said, wanting Dean to get to the point.
"Well, fuck. You don't know how hard this is for me to say, man. But, I'm not mad about the notes. I mean, I was at first. I wanted to kill you. I wanted to kill every dude in this school who liked other dudes. And I realized, I was so fucking mad at you, at Samandriel, because...fuck. Because I realized I like you too." Dean finally said, watery eyes staring at Cas.
Cas felt like he got the wind knocked out of him, and for a moment, time stood still. He even went as far as to pinch his thigh to make sure he wasn't daydreaming. Did Dean Winchester just come out to him? More importantly, did Dean Winchester just tell him he liked him?
"If this is a joke, Dean. It's not funny. That isn't something to fuck around about and you've done your fair share of hurting me, so drop the act, okay?" Cas said with a frown.
His eyes widened and he jumped when Dean smashed his fist down on the table, debating on whether or not to get up and make a run for it, but when he met Dean's gaze and looked at his red rimmed eyes, he could see the pain in them, and he let himself relax slightly.
"I'm not fucking around, Castiel. Do you know how hard this is for me? I fucking love you. You and your stupid ugly sweaters. And your nice eyes. And your ability to stay strong and stick up for your friends. You're not afraid of who you are, and I'm so fucking sorry for making you think I was a dick, I swear I'm not like that." he pleaded. "Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be the guy you wrote about in those notes."
Cas stared at Dean, dumbfounded. He felt tears prick his eyes and it felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. This couldn't be real. It had to be a dream. It felt like a damn movie.
"I...I don't know what to say, Dean. You've done a lot of bad things, and I think you're just confused right now, and if I even did give you a chance would you hold my hand in public? Kiss me in the hallway?" Cas asked, leaning forward slightly to look Dean in the eyes.
"I know I have, and I promise I'll make it up to you. I'm not confused, Cas. I have feelings for you. Like fucking gushy, chick flick feelings and crap" he replied, shrugging his shoulders at Cas' other question. "I...I wouldn't be able to do that. But we could, I don't know, date in private or something. You know? Our little secret? Hey, don't cry, okay?"
Cas didn't even realize tears were streaming down his cheeks until Dean mentioned it, his hands immediately flying up to brush the wet streaks away. He bit the inside of his cheek and shook his head before standing, looking down at Dean.
"I worked too hard to fight for homosexual rights, Dean. I would be a hypocrite and I would be disappointing myself if I agreed to be someone's secret. If you love someone, then nothing else matters. Two against the world. You fight the hate together. I want to be with someone who's proud of me. Someone who will kiss me in a room full of people. I refuse to be your dirty little secret. I learned that I'm worth more than that. I'm sorry" he said, voice breaking.
It took all he had in him to walk away from that table. His heart felt heavy and he just wanted to cry. Dean Winchester told him he was in love with him. He should be over the moon. But he left the other boy behind, and it hurt. He was proud of himself, though. For someone who had zero self worth a couple of months ago, he was strong enough go walk away. He knew he deserved better.
OoO
A/N:
Okay, I know that seems like the end but it's not. Got one more chapter for you sweet baby muffins. I promise promise promise it won't take me months to update again, and I aim to finish this before the week ends. So, hope you liked it and hope you still all enjoy this story after all this time!