Hello readers. I haven't been finding as much time to write lately but am still trying to get all my thoughts onto the screen whenever I can. Hope you are still enjoying it and being patient while the story unfolds. Remember - if you don't like it - don't read it. Would love some reviews. Here goes ...
The next few weeks passed in a blur. It was good to be back with my friends. There was so much support from them. I had begun to wonder what I was so worried about, to sink into such a depression about such a little thing. Sure, at the time it was enormous, but looking back, and putting things in perspective, I couldn't believe that I had seen myself only through their eyes, or at least, the eyes of the two of them who had meant so much but respected me so little. I knew there was a history of instability in the family - I mean just look at Renee. She was either up or down with very little in between. I knew I would have to work hard at keeping things on an even keel and as Jake had put it, roll with the punches more. I couldn't let myself sink like that again. Not at this time in my life when the world was at my feet.
We handed in our final assignments, waited anxiously for college placements and planned our time after graduation. While we all valued our independence, none of us were in a hurry to head to a school on the other side of the country. A few of our friends, like Angela, Ben and Lauren were headed a bit further afield, but most of us would live only a few hours away from our current homes, making it easy to keep in contact. Jasper and Alice were probably headed the farthest away, but both of their parents had the means to bring them home as often as they would like. We had all worked and saved to support ourselves over the break so that we could all live at the ranch without having to commute to a part time job. Charlie had forked out for a generator as we had accomplished so much throughout the year, and consequently we could go off the grid. We didn't need utilities and had mobile phones for contact with the outside world. We were overjoyed when Jasper's parents gave us a prepaid account at the nearest grocery store, substantially subsidising our living expenses. They felt it was worth it to see Jasper happy and to have their home to themselves over the break.
Graduation was full of the pomp and ceremony you would expect. Our proud parents were all in attendance, even Edward's mother and father had adjusted their busy schedule in order to share the momentous occasion. As we kicked back over pizza the day after all the graduation buzz, we discussed the plans for our four weeks at the ranch. I was heading up first thing in the morning and couldn't wait to have a couple of days to myself before the group descended on me, no doubt wiping out any available peace and quiet. Jasper and Jacob had teamed up, and would be coming along late on the second day. Jacob was bringing the truck and towing a trailer for the horses. His Dad, Billy had allowed us to take two of the horses from the reservation and the boys were going to teach some of us to ride. It was supposed to supplement our experience of living off the land. Emmett was in charge of bringing Rosalie, Lauren, Ben, and Angela, who would stay for two of the four weeks, leaving just Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Jake and myself for the last two weeks. Edward, Leah and Alice would come and go as often as they could between packing for college and family commitments.
That first night, alone in the country, was absolute bliss. I swam naked in the lake, feeling the cool water revitalise every pore of my skin, never fearing being seen or judged by unknown eyes. I ate beans straight from the can that I cooked on the open fire, but I looked forward to having a cold drink when the boys arrived tomorrow and started the generator. It didn't seem worth it just for me. As I sat out on the veranda that night, looking up at the stars, I realised how much I loved this place. How truly at home I felt here. If I wasn't so fond of company, or of keeping my mind occupied, I could blow off college and come live here permanently. I also considered that it was the place where I was most true to myself. I was a stronger, calmer Bella here. I like the Bella that was quietly competent in managing the ranch and getting the day to day chores done. The one who could ask the boys for help with something without tying up what I believed myself to be in their answers. I vowed then, that I would not rush headlong into another relationship, but would investigate myself and what I wanted instead of what someone else wanted from me. Besides, you can have sex without love right? There would no doubt be some opportunity to quell the raging hormones without proposing marriage. I would meet someone sometime surely, and if not, then I'd just have to take matters in to my own hands. This break was all about looking after me after all.
When Jake and Jasper arrived the following day, I was overjoyed to see them. I rushed to them both, hugging them as if it had been an age, rather than a matter of days since I'd seen them. Jake returned my hug with gusto, Jasper less so, eyeing me quizzically. I had forgotten that we parted last on bad terms and it was a somewhat less energetic and adjusted Bella he had to deal with at that time. I couldn't wait to meet the two horses they had bought with them and jumped around excitedly as they were unloaded and settled into the newly restored paddock. While Jake worked at calming and settling then animals and set about filling their water trough, Jasper and I collected the tack and equipment that the boys had bought with them and headed towards the barn. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" Jake called flippantly after us as we struggled with the horse gear. My face instantly reddened, thinking back to the night when Jake had caught us in the barn. That could be construed as an innocent comment right? It will just go right over Jasper's head. But it didn't. As soon as we reached the relative privacy of the barn Jasper turned to me, white with shock and some other underlying emotion that I couldn't quite work out - anger, shame, guilt ... all of the above?
"You told him! What the fuck Scarlet?"
"Whoa, slow your roll there Cowboy! You've never acknowledged what happened that night and this is how you broach the subject? " My anger was barely controlled and I felt as if I'd gone from peace to Defcon 1 in 60 seconds. I had to get control of myself and fast. I stopped and drew in several shuddering breaths before raising my eyes to meet the confused and apologetic ones belonging to Jasper.
"I'm sorry," I said, breathing deeply again. "Touchy subject. I have never spoken about it to anyone, including you. It turns out we weren't alone in the barn that night."
"How much did he see?" asked Jasper, concern filtering through in his voice.
"He saw and heard the whole thing." My confidence had returned. After all, it had been a situation I had entered into willingly, and in light of how things had turned out with Tyler I didn't regret it. It was Jasper who had professed undying love for another and left me wanting. Jake had been true to his word and never mentioned what had happened to me or anyone else.
"What did he say?" The concern had changed to curiosity.
"That you had to take your happiness where you found it, but to make sure it was happiness I was getting. He promised he wouldn't tell and then pretty much volunteered his services." I shrugged my shoulders and tried to gauge Jasper's reaction.
"Well there you go! Nothing to worry about I guess." His smile was back, along with that devil that often resided in his eyes. I really needed to bring him back to earth. I wanted him to stop feeling like he'd gotten off the hook for something.
"Yeah, nothing to worry about, Alice won't find out," I smirked back at him, but that bravado slipped when I saw the devil die and the guilt return. I headed back out toward Jake and the horses calling back over my shoulder. "We will talk about this you know."
"I owe you that much," whispered Jasper, too quietly for me to hear.
That night the three of us were chilling around the fire with a cold beer. The boys had gotten the generator going, some steaks were waiting to be grilled while some potatoes were roasting in tin foil in the flames. Vegetables be damned! This was us surviving off the land, or at least off the supplies Jasper's parents had sent along for us to be going on with. The mood was relaxed. There was an ease between the three of us that I hadn't experienced before. Jasper and Jake had obviously found some common ground during the drive up. Jake was always unassuming and non-judgemental, as Jasper's recent discovery had proven. Jasper and I were on better footing. We had been friends for a long time, but that seemed to have gotten messed up along the way. For tonight at least, it seemed like old times, like the three of us had always been this way, in this place.
As Jasper returned to the fireside with three fresh beers, he stood next to Jake, passing him the cool bottle and attracting his attention by clearing his throat. "Umm, it seems as if I have a reason to thank you for keeping your mouth shut." I was caught somewhere between amazed and mortified. Jasper had not once spoken to me of that night, or any other thing that had passed between us, and here he was entering a dialogue about it with Jake!
"Aah," said Jake, chuckling, "so now you know that I know."
"Yeah, you kind of let that slip this afternoon. I thought maybe Bella had told you about it."
"Not the case my friend. No word of incrimination passed through her ruby red lips. I was just lurking in the shadows, minding my own business and then I was suddenly minding your business too." His smile was so wide I thought his cheeks would split in two. He was enjoying having Jasper in this position I think.
"Thanks for not saying anything. I appreciate it, especially with me and Alice just starting out .. and besides, it really wasn't what it looked like."
Are you kidding me, did he honestly just lie straight to Jake's face?
"I'm gonna stop you right there my friend. Firstly, I am not new, I know how these things work. Secondly, I could hear every little whimper and groan you got from Bella, and I could see exactly where you hands were wanderin'. I knew I should've turned away, but I was enjoying the show just too damn much. It was exactly what it looked like. As I told Bella, life is short man, take your happiness where you find it. I'm not here to judge or to air your dirty linen." He paused, allowing Jasper to own up to his actions and feel the embarrassment of being caught in an outright lie. Then he cast his discerning gaze at me. "And I'll say this to you Bella - it's okay to get what you want, just make sure whoever it is treats you right. Walking away is okay, if it's okay with you both. Don't go rushing in to any available relationship just because you have an itch that needs to be scratched. Just scratch it and move on. Besides, if it's just relief you need, I've already volunteered my services. Jasper has his hands full with Alice. Things there aren't all they appear to be. "
There were several moments of near silence. No conversation, where all that could be heard was the crackle and pop of the fire and the occasional noise of a night bird or horse. My face was red (wasn't it always?) from the suggestion that Jake would take care of my needs. Jasper's face was challenging mine in a duel of sunset colours at having yet another of his secrets revealed. Jake seemed awfully pleased with himself. "On that note, I am going to go make myself scarce. I might even grill those steaks while I'm at it. But I think you two need to have a conversation." He waggled his eyebrows meaningfully at us, turned his heels in the dirt and walked away.
"What's going on with Alice?" My immediate reaction was not to wallow in the murky waters of my sexual awakening at Jasper's hand, but genuine concern for the relationship he had been so sure would eventuate.
"Umm, nothing really ..." I just raised my eyebrows at him. I had been there for Jake's comment, it wasn't just a diversion.
"We used to talk about everything Jasper, remember? Things have been awkward between us, but they don't have to be. I get that you aren't going to be with me, but I still want you to be happy. I can handle it."
He looked at me, confused I suppose and rightly so. He leant over and drew me into his arms, hugging me tight. "I've missed you Bella. I never meant to mess things up so badly. Just, sometimes, when you're near me, I can't help myself. I want you. I know I can't have you and that I shouldn't touch, but God Bella, the things you make me want to do to you."
I hugged him back. "Did you think I didn't feel the same way? You've done things to me that I never imagined, made me feel things that I didn't think were possible. But I can live without that Jasper, you need to get that from Alice. I can't handle it when you're not there to talk to. That whole thing with Tyler. I couldn't stand to face you, but all I wanted was for you to tell me what I'd done wrong, and that it would be okay again. I'm still here for you. I always will be."
We were still clinging to each other, enjoying the platonic comfort of being in the arms of a friend when Jake returned with the food. I felt as if a hole inside me had been mended. I was warm and peaceful and content again. We didn't feel the need to pull apart just because he had joined us. There was nothing wrong with this exchange between friends.
"Well that's a start," muttered Jake. And it was.