A/N: Hello again! Thanks for favorites, reviews and follows! :)
This is chapter 12. Reference of 5X18- The Wild Rover. And this has Siobhan's point of view too along with Jenny's, because, well, come on!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

I already had a lot on my mind when I headed to the precinct with Kevin's forgotten lunch bag.

We both had fertility tests this morning- we have been trying for a long time now, and we cannot put this off any more. We need to know what is going on.

Kevin earlier wondered, uncertainty in his blue eyes, 'What if there's something wrong with me?' and I assured him that it was nobody's fault, but in my mind I could not help wondering the same thing.

What if there is something wrong with me?

And it turns out the morning was just a beginning of a bad day that would get infinitely worse.

I am handing the lunch bag to Kevin, saying, 'What would you do without me, huh?' and he is grinning goofily, when a voice rings out- 'Fenton?'

We both turn. A woman, brown haired and beautiful, is looking directly at Kevin.

A female officer is holding her by her arm, a male officer on her other side- she must be a suspect.

And Kevin knows her.

'Siobhan?', he says.

'Fenton!', she pulls away from the officer, runs at us, and before I know it she is kissing Kevin.

Kissing him, right in front of me, on his lips, her hands on his face.

And what is worse, Kevin is not shaking her off, not pulling away.

His eyes are closed.

I need a moment to find my voice before I manage, 'Hey! What the hell are you doing? That's my husband!'

She immediately pulls away, and gives me a quick glance before asking him incredulously, 'You're married?'

And she slaps him, right across his face.

Javier and Rick, who were witnessing the whole thing, hurry forward.

Kevin is saying nothing.

Rick says, 'Whoa, lady, you can't slap a cop!'

'You're a cop?!' she is completely shocked and smack!- another slap.

The officers take matters in their hands now, pulling her away while she screams, 'Oh! You liar, you son of a bitch, how could you? Get off of me, let go!'

Kate, Rick, Javier- everyone looks stunned. They are as much in the dark about this as I am.

I look at Kevin, silently asking for an explanation.

'I can explain.', he says.

We go into the break room.

He takes a deep breath. 'Seven years ago, when I was in narcotics I was undercover with the Irish mob in Staten Island for a little more than a year. Fenton O'Connell was my alias. That's where I met Siobhan.'

'And?', I ask.

'And, she always had a lot of information about the mob, so I befriended her.'

''Befriended'?' I scoff, 'Are you sure that's the right word?'

'We got together later.'

'For how long?'

'For the better part of my Fenton days…but Jenny, it's not about her! I was able to put away a lot of them-the mob, and I got out of there. Everyone was supposed to believe that I got ratted out and fled. So, today Siobhan was shocked to find out that…'

'Not only are you a cop, you are not her boyfriend anymore.' I finish, my voice harsher than usual. 'And you never told me any of this.'

Kevin looks at me and the blue in his eyes is a new shade. I have never seen it before- it is unknown and alien.

'Jenny,', he says, 'We can talk about this later.' He holds the door open.

And I take off, because what else can I do?

My mind is reeling.

Did he ever even break up with that woman?

Was he in love with her?

About the woman's feelings, I have a pretty good idea. I am a woman myself, and I know what kind of feelings are needed when you see someone seven years later and just have to forget everything else and kiss him.

They were together for a year. And then he had to leave. Not by his own choice, he just had to.

So who's to say he ever fell out of love?

He just never got a chance to see her again. Until now.

What if…

NO! I scold myself. I am overthinking, I am making up stuff. I know my husband. I love him, and he loves me.

Then again, in the almost-six years we have been together, he never mentioned a word about this secret life of his.

Was it because it was confidential or something?

Or was it because it was too painful?

I shake my head. I need to forget about this. I need to get to the office as fast as I can, and bury myself in work. Otherwise I will go crazy.

The same face, the same piercing blue eyes, the same brown hair, the same familiar mouth. Yet a completely different person.

You stand on the other side of the cell-grill, wearing a suit of all things, telling me your name, your identity-everything was a lie. Not Fenton O'Connell, it's Kevin Ryan. You're a cop, and you want to 'help'.

Help? Where were you these seven years when I needed help?

No, I didn't need help. I needed you.

I was in love with you! I was falling apart without you!

And then I pulled myself back together, because I am a strong and independent woman. I don't need a man to make my life complete.

But I needed a man- you!- to make it happy.

I thought you were in hiding, and one day you were gonna come back, and I would be so mad because you left a note and just vanished and now you show up all these years later and just expect me to take you back?

But I would, I would take you back because I loved you, and when you left I kinda put that on hold but I was ready to jump and fall back again, any day.

But that hope dimmed year after year. What was worse, the hope was even there in the first place. I couldn't let go.

Finally it got so unbearable that I, Siobhan O'Doul, decided to be an informant, just so I could get this over with, could get away from all the memories, start a new life.

And by some sick and twisted joke of universe this is when I see you again.

Only you are not you. You are not a member of the mob. You are not in hiding.

You are a cop, and you are married to a 5 foot tall woman who tells me indignantly that I have no business kissing you because you're her husband.

Isn't that just fucking cute.

You're telling me you know how these seven years without a word from you were? You're saying you didn't wanna go?

Yeah, right. Last time I checked, only one of us was married.

So I tell you to go straight to hell.

I am trying very hard to concentrate. But the colors, patterns, lines and shapes on the screen of the Mac makes me dizzy.

All I can see before my eyes is the kiss. Replaying, over and over again.

Another woman kissing my husband. And my husband not exactly horrified by this.

I think what bothers me most is the fact that Kevin never told me about this. Not only the girl, the whole undercover life. I thought I knew him, inside and out. And suddenly I am discovering that he had- has- this whole other side. Suddenly I do not know him anymore.

And it does not feel good.

I almost feel sorry for the other woman when I realize she is going through the same thing- she thought she knew him too. Only she did not.

Neither did I.

Are you out of mind? I say that out loud actually, because I'm that surprised. You just wanna waltz in the lair of the lion seven years later and expect to be BFFs with him again?

But in spite of your stupid sweater vest and your tie you look determined and your cobalt blue eyes are serious as hell, so I don't think you're kidding.

Why are you doing this? The bible? Your murder case?

Or is it me?

You don't have to do it because of me. You've done enough. Enough damage, enough heartbreak.

And I don't want you to die for me either. I tell you that with venom in my voice and oh, you know I hate you. Good.

But I want to be put in witness reallocation and you know that. So I have to go along with your crazy-ass plan.

You have left. And I'm still wondering why you're doing this.

My mind is going round in a loop- is it because of me? Do you want to save me so bad that you would risk your life?

Still?

No, this can't be right. You are doing this because you are a fucking cop and this is actually your job.

And I'm still thinking of you as Fenton and not Kevin Ryan because I am a sucker for pain.

I have a very hard time processing what he is saying.

He is leaving, actually leaving, to be not Kevin Ryan, not my husband, but someone else.

He talks about a book. A book the boss of the Irish mob in Staten Island has, a book with all the contacts and transaction information of their drug dealing operations. 'The bible', he calls it.

He is going to go back to Staten Island as Fenton O'Connell- finally-out-of-hiding, and try to retrieve that book from that guy's house because apparently he was friends with him before.

Kevin, friends with an Irish mob-boss. A guy who is the main suspect of their current murder case.

And he is going to renew their friendship.

I ask why he has to do this. He is not in narcotics anymore, he is a homicide detective. This is dangerous- if the mob gets air of who he actually is, he is dead.

He says the mob-boss, Bobby S, might be their killer and he can look for proofs. Also, the police have wanted that bible for years now, and it's too good a chance to pass up.

'And', he hesitates before adding, 'I can't let the feds send Siobhan in there alone. She's gonna die.'

The blue in his eyes in another unknown shade.

So it is about her too.

He is risking his life to save hers.

And when it comes to her, he has a whole set of shades for the blue of his eyes which I have never, ever seen before.

I cannot bear to be near Kevin any more. I sit on the living-room couch, flipping TV channels mindlessly, seeing nothing. And when he picks up his bag and comes for a goodbye kiss, I cannot look at him.

He leaves silently, and I watch him go, my mind in turmoil.

You're telling me…what? Bobby S is not the one who killed the other informant? That must mean someone else in the crew is. Someone knows a lot more than they're letting on, and we are not safe. Not you, not me.

And you're still gonna go to the pool game tonight? Are you suicidal or something?

But I have to unwillingly agree when you say none of us is gonna get another chance. So I tell you the combination of Bobby's safe.

And then out of nowhere you're standing in front of me, you're looking into my eyes and telling me we're gonna get through this.

And you look- feel- so much like the Fenton I knew that I find myself believing you.

Yesterday when you walked in the bar it felt like a punch in my guts. It was like the moment I had been waiting for was finally happening, but it was happening all wrong. And nobody but the two of us knew that.

You looked like Fenton, you walked like Fenton, you talked like Fenton. You had the old charisma too- I knew that when I saw how quickly you fooled Bobby into believing you. Like you fooled everyone else.

You were Fenton. Except that you weren't. And you still aren't.

This is shitty and confusing, and I want to hate you. If not for betraying everyone else (how can I, I'm doing the same thing), for betraying me. For leaving. And having another life. And getting married.

But I can't.

I can't hate you, and I fucking hate that I can't, because it would be so much easier.

You're picking up Mr. Whiskers, talking about old days and memories and your blue eyes reflect something familiar, something I've felt for a long time, and I just can't take it anymore, I have to ask-

'Was any of it real?'

And I don't see any Kevin Ryan. I see Fenton O'Connell when he says-

'What I felt was.'

I believe you. And it kills me, kills me, goddamnit, that right now, I can't just kiss you. I can't grab you by the collar of your jacket, devour your mouth with mine, clench the hair at the back of your head, wrap my legs around your waist…and after we are done, run away together, leaving everything and everyone behind.

I can't do any of this because as much as you are like Fenton, you're not him. You're someone else.

You're someone else's.

You break the spell, saying you have to go.

I watch you leave. And curse myself for feeling things I don't wanna- can't- feel anymore, and curse you for making me feel those things again.

'Hey Beckett,' Javier pokes his head in the break room of the precinct, already on the phone with someone, 'I need to talk to you.'

Kate leaves. I sit alone, holding the coffee mug for warmth and support.

I can't reach Kevin. And coming down to the precinct I have discovered apparently, no one else can. No one knows where he is.

Kate says they are going to find out what is happening. But I cannot quite swallow the rising panic.

He was with the Irish mob, for God's sake.

Has anything happened to him?

No, no, no. I refuse to believe that.

I have been angry at him since he left one day ago.

Rather, I was angry. I am not angry anymore.

I had time to do a lot of thinking and I guess I accept the fact that there are secrets about him that I do not know. After all, he does not know absolutely everything about me either. Neither am I going to tell him.

And while my secrets are far less dramatic, my job has never asked me to go undercover and live with a bunch of criminals.

The woman, though.

She still bothers me.

Kevin was once in a relationship with her for a year. And it is impossible to fake it for that long a time. Especially for a guy like Kevin.

My husband was once in love with another woman.

That, in itself, could be put up with.

But what scares me is how they parted ways.

They were torn apart.

Kevin has obviously moved on, and I am not stupid enough to think that he is still in love with the woman and I am merely a replacement. No, he loves me.

But still, the lack of closure, combined with the fact that he is spending time with her after all these years…what if that stirs up some old feelings?

In the little talk I have just had with Kate, I could not help wondering aloud why Kevin was doing this. Does he think he has something to prove because of the pregnancy stuff?

And Kate said above all else Kevin wants to do the right thing. That is who he is, that is why he became a cop, and that is why I fell in love with him.

She was right. If there is one thing I know about Kevin- he does the right thing.

He did the right thing when he was Fenton O'Connell- fulfilling his job and leaving- even if that meant leaving behind someone he cared about (I cannot bring myself to think 'loved') and he is doing the right thing now.

Feelings are out of our hands, but he would not cheat on me.

I realize all that as I sit here thinking, and I forget my anger at the possibility that he might be in danger.

Because, after everything is said and done, I love Kevin. I love him like crazy, and I do not know what I would do without him.

In the end, I just want him to come home. When he does, I will not even want to know what happened when he was undercover. The previous time, or this time. I will just ask if he is going to be here for me, he will say yes and that will be enough.

Because I do not care what Fenton O'Connell did, or does. I care about my husband, Kevin Ryan.

It wasn't supposed to be like this! I wasn't supposed to get caught, Bobby wasn't supposed to discover that I was a snitch, and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to stand in the middle of an empty dock at this time of night.

Empty except Bobby, Liam and Keane surrounding us and you, you pointing a gun at me.

This shit is so deep I'm never coming up again. What's worse, I've dragged you down with me. And now Bobby S has said it's either you kill me or he'll kill both of us because of course you're a rat too if you still can't shoot me after this betrayal.

You weren't supposed to be in this mess. But you are, because of me.

And yes, I know it's because of me because right now your eyes are telling me things I'm sure you wouldn't be caught dead uttering anymore.

And that's okay, because this is the end, and even though I'm crying I accept that.

Isn't this just so fucking poetic and ironic and all those things, you- the one man I have ever loved- ending up being the one to shoot me?

I tell you to just do it, it's okay because it's not your fault.

Then I close my eyes, waiting for the shot, the explosion, then nothing.

Except that it never comes. Instead you're saying,

'Ah, I just can't do it Bobby.' And my eyes fly open.

What are you doing?

'I just can't shoot her.'

Why? Why can't you shoot me, Fenton?

'However, I have no problem shooting you.'

Your gun is pointed at Bobby but the small flicker of hope disappears as soon as it appeared and my stomach drops like a rock again because Bobby and Liam are smiling and you discover the magazine of your gun is empty.

But I watch with amazement as you confront them, tell them you're a cop and you're cool as a cucumber as you explain how you picked Liam's pocket, took his cellphone and called your partners. I see you shout out to them.

But no one shows up. There is a trapped look in your eyes.

Perfect, just perfect. Now we need a fucking miracle.

And I can't believe my eyes when that miracle actually happens. Your partners suddenly appear as if out of nowhere, arrest everyone and what do you know, you even have that bible. Bobby is going away for life.

It's all over, I'm free. You look at me and I try to smile, but all I'm thinking is- why didn't you just shoot me?

Javier just called. Kevin is okay. He's gonna be home tonight.

The woman is going to be under witness protection with a new identity in a different city.

It's all over.

Relief courses through me, and I cannot wait for him to be home, because, well, now that he is my husband once more, I have some pretty exciting news for him.

I am not going to make it easy for him though. He still has to apologize, and promise me he will never go away again.

I'm packing my bags and still thinking about you, because how can I not?

You left with your police team and tomorrow I am not gonna be here anymore. I want to see you again.

There's no reason for you to come see me again tonight but I'm still hoping you will.

Because that's what I do. False hope, my specialty. Yeah.

Except this time my hope proves to be true and you show up at the door, holding Mr. Whiskers, wearing a suit and overcoat, no more looking like Fenton.

You want to say goodbye this time.

Hearing that makes me feel like I'll never see you again, and you say I won't. New city, new name, new life. The new Siobhan isn't supposed to know Fenton, just like the new Fenton- or the real Kevin Ryan- wasn't supposed to know me.

But you still did, even when you didn't need to. And again, I just have to ask you-

'Why'd you do this? Risk your life for me?'

You give a sad smile, look into my eyes, and say 'You know why.'

And yes, I know why.

You may have moved on, you may be leading a whole other life, you may be married and you may not be in love with me anymore, but you still love me. Fenton O'Connell would kiss me when I'm dying and Kevin Ryan would hold my hand, but none would pull the trigger.

And this is a screwed up world, because in a perfect one, I wouldn't have to make peace with that and let you go. In a perfect world, I would know, and be with, Kevin Ryan, not the ghost of him- Fenton O'Connell.

I tell you I wish I'd met Kevin Ryan sooner, and you chuckle slightly. And no, I don't miss the fleeting regret in your beautiful blue eyes either.

I can feel tears in my eyes and I don't want you to see me cry, so I plant a light kiss on your cheek. This is my silent goodbye.

You know that.

We look at each other for the last time before you leave.

I sigh and go back to packing.

And you know what?

This goodbye that I'll treasure forever? It might also be my cure.

I am sitting on the sofa, waiting for him when the lock turns and he comes in. I stand up.

And the apology I was expecting- it comes as soon as he sees me.

'I'm sorry, Jenny. I know it wasn't fair to you…'

'Just tell me the truth.', I interrupt. 'Is this part of your life, this undercover part, over?'

He lets out a breath and smiles.

'Yeah, it is now.'

I have missed that smile, and I cannot wait to be in his arms, but I decide to give him a little hard time of his own before that.

'Good', I say, 'Because I need to know that you're gonna be here. I need to know that I can depend on you.'

He nods, the blue of his eyes earnest and God how I have missed the blue!

Even though I am happy, I am tearing up. 'Especially after the test results we got back from the fertility doctor.'

'Oh, no,', he is alarmed, 'Bad news?'

'Yeah.' My face is grim. 'We took all those damn tests for nothing.'

I pause. Kevin looks devastated.

'I'm already pregnant.'

He takes a second to process that. I let a smile creep up on my face.

'You're…you're pregnant!' I nod, he grins and laughs and suddenly I am so overwhelmingly happy, sharing this news with him, that I almost cannot take it.

He wants to pop the champagne but then we both remember of course we cannot- I am pregnant!

He pulls me in for a kiss. I kiss him back and yes, there might be an entire palette of blue that I will ever get to see in his eyes, but that is okay, because my own fair share is more than enough to last me a lifetime.