Chapter seven: Regret and Redemption

I am seated in a bench,

thinking of you again,

but is no wonder at all,

because you all I ever want.

I think of my actions once again,

and I do regret all the things I never said.

I was blind and cold,

I did not know how to love.

Forgive me, my eternal love,

it was not my intention at all,

to leave you thus, paining so much.

At least I am not bitter anymore,

because i know that you did love me so.

I am sorry that we were doomed to be apart,

that our love never had a start.

But I suppose that is destiny's fault,

for not giving us a chance to share this love.

But, do not be afraid my soul,

for we would be together soon,

we will see each other once more,

there is heaven's doors,

because my soul can ever dissever from yours*

Darcy wanted desperately to sleep, but the carriage seat was too uncomfortable, so he could not. How could he be so wrong about her? He thought that he was a chance with her, he knew deep down that she felt something, that she had a little sparkle inside her. But, obviously not, he was mistaken. She did not feel the slightest attraction, nor affection towards him. He sent her the letter, declaring his love once again and for the last time, he said that he would never mention those kind of feelings again. She did not care about him at all. How could she be so cruel and heartless? Couldn't she see that this love consumed him? But it was over now, anyway. Over for good. He had to move on, but did he have the strentgth to do so. But, he had to.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. The reason it hurts so much to separate is because their souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe they've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them they've found each other. And maybe each time, they've been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

He thought of Georgiana and her sickness. She was the only one, who could take his mind off Elizabeth right now. In the letter, he received from her, she said that the flu had bad effects on her and she had high fever for two days. He must take care of her, she is the only one left anyway.

Ten days later...

Elizabeth at last home. She had missed her family, but especially her father, who loved most in the world. Jane after that day in Netherfield never mentioned Mr. Darcy, for she knew very well that this subject could still hurt her feelings. It was a wound, still bleeding. She knew well, that her sister was loyal and devoted to a person that she felt things for. And, was not going to be an exception, especially when she loved him so. She never heard her be thrilled about a man before, or anyone person at all. Darcy must be very special, indeed!

Elizabeth had not slept well since the day that he left. She always woke up in the middle of night, sweating and afraid. She missed him, everyday that was passing. She had missed their conversations, his smile and the way he treated her. And in moments of honesty, she had regret the things she never said or never did. She should have shown him, what she felt. Even if they were not going to be together, they deserved to have their moments. How selfish and blind was she! She should have giving them a chance, but again that meant that she had to put aside everything she was. She deserved a kiss, at least. A goodbye kiss from the only man she loved, or ever will, even though he was engaged. But is over now... so she should not give trouble on such thoughts. Because, regretting what you never did is the worst thing that can happen in any human being. The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world's existence.

And that was the time she realized that she was wrong. It did not hurt too much to love him, but the truth was that it hurt much more not to. They were linked together, someway, in a very extraordinary way. Afterall, there is no intensity of love or feeling that does not involve the risk of crippling hurt. It is a duty to take this risk, to love and feel without defense or reserve. But she was wrong, she should have taken that risk. They deserved it. Destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and that moment of pure frankness she found herself wondering why, out of all the people in all the world she could ever have loved, she had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from her.

I am so happy! Thank you so so much for your lovely reviews. You have given me so much love and strength to continue. I do love you all.

There are so emotions here. This chapter is small and there is no major events happening, but I had to write it, so I could clarify their feelings, when the other chapters are about to there are going to be some huge changes, which I hope that you are thrilled to know. So, review. Please. Tell me what you think. I promise that the next chapter is going to be promising.

But, I am very proud of this chapter, I am proud that I could portrayed such feelings. And in someway, I feel relieved, because I put some of myself in this. I put thoughts that I have always had, but I could not reveal. Things I have felt, because we all have felt heartbroken. Do you see the similarity?

*This is a poem that I wrote when I was writing this chapter and I thought that I should publish it. It is the feelings from Elizabeth's point of view when she realized her faults. I know it is not a great poem, maybe a silly one, however I want to know what you think of it. Tell me if you like it or not! Pleaseee...