All rights to Veronica Roth..I own nothing

- TRIS-

It's early. The sun is orange and making it's way across the city. There's just enough coming through the bedroom windows for me to see. My eyes trace his jaw line, as it slightly clenches while he sleeps. I ever so gently reach forward and place my hands near his chest. Making sure I won't wake him, I get close enough to feel him breathing.

Two years! Two years I was gone and to me it feels like not a day different. It's hard to wrap my brain around that idea. I close my eyes and try to sleep, but it's useless. Every time I drift off, I dream of the strangest thing. It's always the same: a blue light and voices. I can never make out what they're saying because it sounds so muffled and distorted. It's like they speak with their hands covering their mouths. I lie there thinking things over and over and yet I never exhaust myself.

I decide to get up for some water. Cautiously I slide out of bed, letting Tobias' left arm that had been draped over me, slump to the bed. When I finally am standing upright I hear him moan in his sleep, grasping the pillow to his chest and turning over. He's so peaceful.

Entering the kitchen, I go to the cabinet and retrieve a glass from it. I still am not at full strength and use the counter and walls to steady myself.

" Two years." I say, filling my cup with water. As I sip it slowly, as still per Matthew's instructions, I wander the apartment.

I pass the table, where I find Tobias' coat thrown. I let my fingers graze over the detail, trying to memorize every stitch. I grasp it and bring it to my face. I breathe in his smell and I am entranced. I may not have conscious memory of the past two years but a part of me must. Because when I take in the smell of his jacket I realized I've missed it.

I take a seat by the window and watch as the city becomes enveloped by the sun. I am numb to the fact that this is possible. When I had made the split second decision to give my life for our cause, I had accepted it. I was okay with it. I knew what I was doing. But now, I find myself unsure. If I hadn't given my life then David wouldn't have taken me and used me for his own agenda. I could have had two years living in peace with Tobias. The idea crushes me. I feel my hand reach my chest, holding it still as I sip more water.

I find myself conflicted. I know what I did was brave and it was selfless. I gave myself up. And I was taken away and used as a lab rat. I feel an anger building up inside of me that I have not felt in a long time.

" David you piece of shit!" I whisper to myself. Then I stop and think. David. Tobias had told me that he was told that David was given a memory scrub. So what happened? Either David fought his way through it, or it never happened.

I sit back in my chair for a moment. That's a rather heavy thought. As much as I hate troubling him, I realize I'm going to have to address this with Tobias.

Tobias. How it must have been for him thinking I was dead. No, not even that. I know him. He would have been okay. He knows me and who I am. But to find out I had been alive this whole time.

I think back to his discussion with Evelyn. The one he doesn't know I overheard. When he realized she had been alive after all those years, he wasn't happy. He was resentful. He hated his mother for leaving him with Marcus.

I know this is nothing like that situation, but I cannot help but process it the same. I wonder what he felt to learn about me. Would he see me as a hero who attempted to save those she loved and ended up captured and experimented on. Or was I a weakling recruit who fucked up and got caught.

" Don't be crazy." I tell myself, shaking my head.

I stand up giving myself a deep breath, and head back to bed. Tobias is laying arms spread open on his stomach, so the sun kisses his back. I smile and lifting the sheet, sliding myself in next to him. With a slightly scruffy noise, he turns over. His eyes are squinting heavily but he manages to catch me and smile.

" Hey there!" He says wrapping his arms around my shoulders. Gently he kisses my skin. " What time is it?"

" Early." I tell him. I run my hands up his arms. They're so strong around my small frame. " Sun hasn't been up long."

" Is everything alright?" He asks, picking his head up a little.

I want to tell him I'm fine, but when I look into his eyes I lose myself. I can't lie to him and brush this away. " We started talking in the bathroom about what happened while I was gone. You said you fell apart. That's not you. Not the YOU I remember. You're so strong, Tobias. So strong! What happened?

I regret asking immediately.

He looks me over for a moment, narrowing his eyes. It's slightly uncomfortable, like he's examining me. Before he says anything he raises his hand and lightly touches his fingertips to my face. He starts at my cheekbones and moves to the tip of my nose, then down to my lips.

" I told everyone, including myself, that I was fine. And for the better part of a lie, I was. I understood what you had done, and why. And over the months following it all became more clear as my initial shock wore off. All that destructive behavior I saw in you, it was really just your inner tapped bravery. You moved without borders. It was brave and selfless. Dauntless and Abnegation. Divergent! It had made sense. I understood, but it hurt. I had experienced pain in my life, far too much than anyone should. But this…this was something I could hardly bear. I never had anyone I could rely on before. I spent all personal time by myself, locked away in my own mind. And then you came and you shook everything I knew to the core. I broke and you showed me how to put myself together again. Losing you was so hard. I had a brave face on the outside. Getting a new job and finding myself a place in this world. But at night, at night I was a wreck. I yearned for you to the point of hallucination. Christina gave me a picture…"

Reaching over his other side, he opens a small table and pulls out a framed drawing. He hands it to me and I am taken aback.

" Just shortly after. After you were gone." He continues, staring me down hard. " You are everything to me. You are my blood, you are my air, you are my strength to wake up every morning and live that day through. And since finding out that you were out there somewhere, this is all I have been living for. Finding you. Bringing you home. I lost my job. I haven't even spoken to my mother! Time has stopped for us."

" I love you, Tobias. " I tell him, pulling him in as close as I can.

He doesn't respond. He doesn't need to. We both know I didn't say it to hear it back. I said it because I wanted him to hear it. To make everything he had just said that much more substantial.

"So… was the job any good?"

" No, not really." He says raising an eyebrow, " I held a spot that's all. I was on my way to something bigger, probably, I really don't know. Mostly I sat on a committee that was looking for new ways to run the city. Trying to find ways to manage us all as fractionless. We made some steps in a positive direction. It appealed to me, but it never really held me like my command post in Dauntless. Although, I had an attractive secretary that Zeke kept trying to get me to date."

" What a dick." I laugh.

" He is a dick." He smiles.

Writer's note: I know i know. Sorry it took me so long to post a new chapter. I have had a busy few days and i hit a dead lock for a little while trying to figure something pivotal out for my story. I decided i wanted to put this chapter in Tris' view because as much as he wants to, Tobias will never fully know what is going on in her head. The demons she's dealing with "coming back to life". these next two chapters might be a little flakey but they will hold important information and then i promise, it'll pick back up…so please :) stick with me through it :D