Hello again readers - it's been a long time between drinks. Don't give up on the story - I still write every chance I get, I just don't get as many chances of late. Enjoy

As always - kudos to SM who owns these wonderful characters.

Jasper and I found a quiet place to sit as far away from prying eyes as possible. Even though Rosalie had worries of her own and even though I had explained myself to Jake, I felt their eyes resting heavily on me as I walked away. Thank goodness Emmett was sufficiently distracted to let this one slide.

It was an awkward silence. I sat across looking at the man who sat in Jasper's place. The boy seemed beaten out of him and he was not the person that I had once felt so comfortable with or confessed all my secrets to. I wondered if any of us would be exactly the same after learning about Rosalie and Emmett's predicament. It could so easily have been any of us, and yet it had happened to those who carried the greatest risk with it. It had certainly put a lot of things into perspective for me. I wasn't sure if Jasper would see it like that though.

"Look Scarlet, about last night ..." Jasper began hesitantly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come to you like that and expected you to be with me. I'm just so confused about everything. I needed to feel like somebody cared about me, that I was worth caring about."

"Jazz, I know that things are really messed up for you right now, but ..."

He cut me off there. "I need to get this out, let me finish okay?"

"Okay."

"I really don't know how I feel about anything right now. The last few weeks have been kind of a bombardment in the information and revelation area. I honestly thought that I loved Alice, and that we had a future together, but part of me disgusts her. I don't think it's just a physical aversion either. If she loved me back she would want me too, all of me. And then there's all the stuff I've found out about you too. I haven't been fair to you. I've been driving you crazy and I didn't even know it. I know we talk, or well, used to talk, about lots of stuff, but I just assumed you only told me what you wanted me to know and left the rest out. I didn't know that there was nothing else happening for you. And now Jake's in the mix too. He seems to know you better than I ever did and I can see that he's good for you. He makes you strong and happy, but when I see him touch you Scarlet ... I'm jealous of him. I never thought I'd feel like that. I never thought I would ever have a chance with you and yet he tells me that you want me and then he takes you away from me. I don't know if I should be fighting for you or if I should let you go. These thoughts are all just going round and round in my head and I can't get away from them. I need you to tell me what to do Scarlet? Do you love me?"

I felt like a deer trapped in the headlights. He had finally confronted me about my feelings. He had admitted to being jealous seeing me with Jake. He had asked me if I loved him. Of course I loved him, had always loved him, would always love him. But was he asking if we had a future together? Could I answer that?

"Jasper, I ...we ...it's complicated. Look you might not want to hear this but I need you to listen and hear what I have to say."

"I always listen to you Scarlet," he utters, looking at me with that devil in his eyes. He is expecting to get what he wants. Some of his cockiness has returned.

"You might listen Jazz, but I don't know that you always hear me. I'm really sorry about the way things turned out with Alice. I know it wasn't anything you did, but I don't know if you're ready to believe that. She hurt you. And you hurt me. I've spent more time in the last couple of years wondering where I stand with you than actually living my life. I can't be some magic balm that you can use to heal your wounds. You have to do that for yourself. You can't just throw yourself into something with me because Alice didn't work out. You keep asking me how I feel about you, but I don't think you know how you feel about me. You say that you're jealous when you see me touching Jake or him touching me, but are you jealous because you want me to be yours, or because someone else is playing with your toys? You want me to take the first steps forward and tell you that I love you, but I have no idea what your expectations are, or even what feelings you have for me!" I could hear my voice rising and my heart beat pounding. It was time to stop and take a breath. In his fragile state, Jasper didn't need me to sit here and unload years of frustration on him. He had his own problems to deal with, yet I didn't want him to think he could bat his eyelids and I'd come running either.

"Look Jasper," I continued."All I'm saying is, I can't be the one to do the leaping here. I can say that being with you is something I thought I wanted for a long time, but then you wouldn't give me a second glance. You're as messed up as me right now. You need to go away and think about what you would have wanted from me, and where that might have gone, if Alice had never come in to the picture, and even then - I don't know where I'll be when you come to that point. I don't think I can sit around and wait for you to decide, and I can't have you thinking that I'll be here every time you want to play with me again. I have to start living my life for myself."

"An in the meantime you'll keep fucking Jacob just for the hell of it?"

For an instant my vision was red. Nothing but fury coursed through my veins at his audacity. I wanted to slap him -always the child, always bitter about my choices. So instead I took a breath, mustering every ounce of calm I could lay my hands on. I tried to remember that Jasper wasn't trying to do anything other than get a reaction from me to make himself feel better. I couldn't rise to the bait again.

"You can call it anything you want if it makes you feel better. You had your chance and you didn't take it. Fucking is as good a term as any I guess. Jake doesn't expect me to be in a relationship with him, we're just enjoying each other, You said it yourself, I'm good and happy and strong and he brings out all those things in me. He doesn't ask me for something I'm not ready to give and he is completely open and honest about what he's feeling. He was jealous of you - he thought I would choose you over him. But I'm not choosing anyone. Besides, I'm going away next week and the pair of you will probably forget about me completely before the first year is out. I'll be here for you Jasper, I'll help you any way I can. But you need to work out what you want before you can ask me for it."

And then I did what I was best at... I walked away. I walked away from someone I knew I loved, too proud to tell him. Even though he was broken and hurting and needing more than anything to know that someone cared, I walked away without telling him I loved him. All for some misguided notion that it was best for him. That he needed to know what he was missing and to know that he would have to fight for me if he wanted me. I was self-righteous and proud and so very wrong. But it would take a long time to figure that out.

The rest of the day was a somewhat solitary one, with each of us taking care of last minute details before we would leave, having come to the end of our time here, and the beginning of what had at one time seemed a distant and unattainable future. I was growing more agitated by the minute. This was not how our glorious pre-college escape was supposed to end. Emmett and Rosalie had made themselves scarce, taking comfort in each other and the knowledge that what could be done was being done and that the rest was in fates hands. Jasper must have been around somewhere -his car was still here so I know he hadn't driven back, but I had not seen him since our disastrous discussion. Jacob was slowly working through his list of chores, packing away equipment and closing down buildings that Emmett and Rosalie would have no need of after we'd left. It felt a little like saying goodbye to home, even though we'd only been here a few weeks.

If this was the way it was to end, I decided I would meet that end with gratitude. I took a long soak under the shower, indulging in all those girly frivolities like body wash, satiny smooth shaved legs, perfumed body lotion and painted nails. All the while thinking how grateful I was to have had this time in this place. Thankful to Jake for making me feel wanted and desired and for awakening that physical part of me that I thought was damaged. Thankful to Emmett and Rose, that they had let us take them in and help them when doing so little meant so much to us. And for putting my own petty problems into perspective given the great scheme of things. Even thankful to Jasper. That he had finally given a voice to what was going through his head and being able to share that with me, even though the outcome was still uncertain.

As twilight approached, I ended my time of introspection, feeling again like a whole Bella. Solid, together and clearer in my direction. I figured that this last night would be like our first - a time for sharing around the fireside, enjoying the simple company of each other before going on our separate paths to this strange and distant 'future'. I even took pains to dress nicely for this final meeting. A flowing summer dress, mid thigh length. The black bought out the touch of sun to my skin, made my hair and eyes darker. It was figure flattering, but comfortable. I would be cold later in the evening, but it would be worth it.

The boys, my boys, were both standing with their backs to me, staring into the flames and sipping on a beer when I quietly walked up and stood between them.

"We weren't sure you'd come," Jasper said quietly.

"It seemed like the place to be."

We chatted quietly for a few hours, falling back into a more comfortable feeling between the three of us. More like the beginning of times instead of the end of them. It felt right to be here with the both of them in this place. As predicted, the evening grew cooler and I shivered until the boys came closer, sitting one on each side of me, lending their warmth. It was cozy and safe and I could feel the stresses of the day taking their toll as I became drowsy and relaxed.

"No last meeting of the St Jude's Wilderness Chapter tonight Jake?" Jasper said, nuzzling the top of my head which had drifted to his shoulder.

"I think we all have enough to chew over for a while. It's been a busy couple of days," Jake smiled as his hand came up to rub the back of my neck. It was nice to have them like this, not fighting for my attention.

"Then I'm going to call it a night," I said. "I don't want the morning to come. I don't want to leave here and I don't want to leave either of you. But that's not the way it's going to be. So let me leave you with this. Jasper, I hope you find what you're looking for. You are someone worth caring about. There's so much good in you, you just need to spend some time finding out what you want and maybe I'll be a part of that someday." I drew his face down to mine, planting my lips to his cheek. I had meant it to be a friendly goodbye but I lingered there, reveling in being so close to him once more. His face turned towards mine and our lips met. A soft kiss, intimate and emotion filled. Our foreheads remained press together for a while after our lips parted, allowing reality to settle back in.

"Jake," I whispered, now turning towards him. "You've made me stronger and more sure of myself. I think you've made me see myself differently and I know I can face whatever comes now knowing that. Thank you." And then I kissed him too. Because nothing had really been resolved between the three of us. Everything I felt for one, I felt for the other and that could not end well. I left them then. Regardless of the chill I felt in every cell of my body, both from the cool night and the feeling of eternal goodbyes, I took one last walk around the property. I noted that my kitchen garden had taken root and that the plants were strong and healthy. I admired the new fences standing strong and proud. I stood right at the very edge of our property loving the way the water met the trees with such synergy and belonging. After an hour or so I found myself wandering back to where it had all truly begun. The barn. It felt like the heart of the homestead. Still warm inside with that verdant smell of life and growth, Samson and Delilah snorting softly to acknowledge my presence. I walked to the back of the barn, leaning my arms against the midsized railing that cordoned off the empty coral where we had once kept the new foals. I wondered if the day would come when I would see such a thing here again.

I don't know how long I had stood there when I felt rather than heard a presence behind me. I tensed, wondering who it would be and what new complication they would bring.

"That really felt like a goodbye you know," Jake's voice broke the silence.

"Yeah, it kinda did," I agreed. I stood without turning towards him, still a little tense, though less so knowing it was Jake.

In a few quick strides he was behind me wrapping me in his arms, holding me as if I would escape given the first opportunity. He was warm and firm and I felt my heart rate pick up a little just from being so close to him. I leaned back into his chest as his head tucked in to my shoulder and he spoke directly into my ear.

"It doesn't have to be over. Nothing's changed."

"I know. Tonight just felt like an ending of sorts. It's been a weird day."

"I didn't want that to be the last time I saw you," he said. His voice husky now, trailing his tongue down the shell of my ear and sucking on that spot on my neck that had my knees trembling in seconds. "I didn't want that to be the last time I kissed you." He bit down gently on my shoulder as his hand followed my thigh up under my dress and then down into my underwear, stroking the wetness between my legs, taking my breath away.

"Will you do what I tell you?"

"Mmm Jake ..." I groaned as he pushed two fingers inside of me.

"I can't hear you. Will you do what I tell you?" he said, withdrawing his fingers and leaving me wanting.

"Yes Jake"

"Good."

He turned me to face him then, cupping my face and pulling me into the sweetest kiss. Patient and passionate, as if he was trying to pour all his feelings into that one physical connection. I felt like I was melting. I wanted him more with each second as I felt his tongue against mine, his hands in my hair and his own desire pressed against my belly. When I thought I would spontaneously combust, his lips left mine and as I gasped for a breath that eluded me, he fell to his knees looking up into my eyes.

"Remember just do as I say."

His hands rested momentarily on my hips before again journeying under my dress, trailing spider web fingers up my thighs. Inch by painstaking inch he drew his hands back down again, bringing the scrap of fabric pretending to be underwear with them.

"Lift your leg" he commanded, wrapping his hands firmly around first one calf and then the other as he helped me to raise and then lower my legs, exposing me to the night air. "Now spread your legs a little wider."

His head disappeared between my legs and I immediately felt the warm flicker of his tongue. First he was using long slow strokes from bottom to top, separating me and creating a slow burn. As my hands gripped his head, he suckled at my bundle of nerves, making me cry out. When he slid one, and then two fingers inside of me, twisting them and then withdrawing them before beginning the process again, I felt as though I was teetering on the brink. Literally teetering. I was losing my balance trying at once to push myself closer to his mouth and move away from the barrage of overwhelming sensations he was causing. I was so close. I couldn't control the noises coming from my mouth, or the movements of my hips, or the pressure of my hands knotted in Jake's hair. I was about to come apart at the seams when he stopped. Before I could complain he stood. "Turn around," his tone brooked no discussion. I turned perplexed and felt his hand on my back pushing me forward. "Lean over and rest your arms on the railing, then spread your legs for me." His tone was husky. He pulled the skirt of my dress up and lay it over my back so that I was completely open to his view. It was tantalizing, knowing that he could see all of me this way. I could hear him undoing his jeans behind me and I felt the urgency growing, wanting him inside of me. I gasped when I felt him at my entrance rubbing against me, and then again when he thrust himself inside in one push, only this instant remembering how generously endowed he was. He stilled for a moment, his hands on my hips, his breathing now as erratic as my own until I pushed back against him, wanting more. His thrusts were sharp and shallow at first, letting me get used to the sensations and the aching in my belly. They soon became deep and brutal, punishing in their exquisite pleasure, as if his life's goal was to crawl up as far inside of me as he could get. When he reached around and rubbed on my already sensitive nub I exploded, clamping down on him and crying out as his arms circled me and held me close as he sought his own release.

We stood like that for a while, our breathing returning to normal as he slowly softened inside of me and his essence began to dribble down my thighs. When he regained the power of speech he whispered into my ear. "That Bells, was what I like to call fucking. It's a lot of fun, and if that's all you want from me, I'll gladly give it to you. But I'm not afraid to say that I want more from you than that. All you need to do is say the word. Think about that when you're away."

When I woke the next morning, both the boys had gone, believing that a clean break was better than a long drawn out goodbye. I was sorry to have missed them, but they were probably right. We had said all we needed to say to each other, and now only time would tell how things would work themselves out from here.

I had loaded my truck and said my farewells to Emmett and Rosalie, promising to visit at the first opportunity. I decided on one last look around before hitting the road. As I approached the barn, one of my favourite places, I noticed an envelope taped to the door. On the front it read

"Bella" in clear concise handwriting. I opened it with some trepidation.

I hoped that you would come here before you left and if you are reading

this then you must have.

This is one of my favourite places - not just the ranch, but the barn in particular,

it holds some very fond memories. I came here last night hoping to find you as I

didn't want our fireside meeting to be the last time we spoke for what I know could

be some time. I did find you in the barn - but I didn't find you alone. Those are some

powerful mental images that will stay with me for a long time. I guess I can now

see the appeal Jake has for watching ...

Anyway, all I can say now is that I will try to work myself out in the hope that,

maybe someday I will be what you want and that you will find me worth wanting.

Don't give up on me yet

Jasper xxx

I tucked his letter in to my pocket (I carried it with me wherever I went for the next two years), turned around and headed for my truck. I could not bear to go inside again at this point. Too many mixed memories. It felt like I carried a part of each of my boys with me and yet at the same time held neither of them. It was time to go. Time to move forward and start the next chapter.