Chapter Four: I Need to Want You

I'm lost.

These are words I never thought I would ever say, but right now, they are the truth. My world has turned and I don't know which is up. All my life I've been in control, I've had my hands gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles were white and my fingers were numb. And just like that, the steering wheel was gone. My hands were gripping nothing but air and I was falling. Deeper. Lower. There was nothing to stop me and so I just kept flying downwards towards that nothing.

I'm betrayed.

How could this happen to me. I have few friends, as I make sure to pick them wisely. Some might even say that I don't have any at all, but he was always there. I was crude, I was rash. I was overprotective, I was worried. I was far from the doting older brother that you found in books, but I loved him and worried about him and did what I could to keep him safe. He was the one person, the only person I could count on at all times. Now he's gone.

"I'm sorry."

He would tell me these words, but he wouldn't mean them. Or maybe he just wasn't meaning them in the way I wanted him too.

I'm selfish.

I wanted him to regret that choice he made. For hurting me. For leaving me. He knew that choice would upset me. That Man made him happy, but what did I care? Did my happiness not count? I wanted him happy, what brother didn't, but not at my expense.

I'm alone.

I never cared before. I've always been alone. You have better control when you're alone. There's no one there to take away the wheel. I liked it that way. He was such a follower, such a weakling, he wasn't a problem. Sometimes he was even nice company. But there is only room for two on this ship of mine, so the choice will have to be his. If I have to sail alone, so be it.

I'm caught.

You're strong hands are there, gently cradling me to the ground. It is unexpected, especially after the never ending fall. I want to push you away, but I no longer have the strength. I lash out, but still you touch me with those gentle hands and no longer do I want to run away.

I'm weak.

I want to stay and be held by you. I want to be told that it will be all okay. It's not like me, but I need that friendly voice that always makes me flinch. I need that kind hand on my shoulder or in my hair. I need that annoying persistence. It's not right, not in my world. To be wanted by you, by anyone would be letting go of the controls, but I already have that don't I? You've wanted me since day one. That's not what I need. What I need is to want you.

I'm hurt.

I'm broken.

I'm wanted.

I'm wanting.

I'm wanting…

I'm wanting… you.