Reference to and dialogue from: The Wildebeest Implementation; The Psychic Vortex; The Werewolf Transformation; The Panty Piñata Polarization
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At the sound of what was a dejected knock, Sheldon got up from his desk and went to open the apartment door.
"I need a hug," sighed Raj.
Sheldon closed the door.
More knocking.
"Come on, Sheldon, open the door and let me in."
Sheldon obliged and gave the astrophysicist a stern look.
"You can come in," he said. "But no hugging."
"Sorry," said Raj as he entered. "Just feel a little lonely."
"Did you break up with your phone?" snorted Sheldon as he sat at his desk.
"Of course not," Raj said defensively. "Bernadette and I are just fine." Pause. "It's just that sometimes a man has needs, y'know?"
"Get out," Sheldon said sharply.
"Not with you!" gasped Raj.
On Sheldon's desk Penny did her best to contain her chuckle but was unsuccessful.
"Oh, hi Penny. Didn't see you there," said Raj.
"No problem. How are you, besides needy?" she asked.
"Bored, actually. I was just saying to Bernadette that"—here he blanched. "My God how rude of me." He took his phone out of his pocket. "Bernadette, this is Sheldon and his AI, Penny."
"Hi there!" squeaked Bernadette.
"Hey," Penny replied amiably.
Silence.
"Sheldon," Raj prompted.
"Don't sweat it," said Penny. "Dr. Cooper isn't as progressive as you."
"I've an IQ of one hundred and eighty seven and an eidetic memory," Sheldon said distractedly as he put a disc into his DVD drive. "I am his superior in every capacity."
Raj set Bernadette next to Penny and joined his hands.
"You mean you figured out how to do—this?" He shaped his hands so a finger was wiggling at the top and bottom.
"I may have," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth.
"Show me."
"I don't have to."
"Because you can't do it."
"Raj, I'm rather busy," Sheldon said testily as he gestured to his computer.
"I thought you were playing Tetris earlier?" Penny said innocently.
"I was not."
"Coulda sworn I heard this"—an enthusiastic Russian folksy dance music began to play from the phone.
Sheldon scowled at his monitor but said nothing.
"So you're bored, I'm bored. I know, let's do something together!" Raj said enthusiastically.
"I suppose you could hand me my discs as I reinstall my computer's Linex," said the lanky physicist.
"How 'bout catching a movie?" offered Penny.
"There are several playing nearby that start in about an hour," said Bernadette. "What do you feel like watching, Sexy?"
"I've got an idea," Sheldon said with a poker expression on his face. "Take Bernadette to the movies."
Raj shrugged. "I suppose." He looked to Sheldon's phone. "Penny, do you want to come?"
"Of course not," Sheldon said bluntly before she could answer.
"What he means is that we're a matched set," said Penny.
"You mean complete opposites," grinned Raj.
"Something which has been noted and reported," said Sheldon as he took out the disc from the drive and inserted another.
"Alright. Then we do something together," said Raj.
"There's a university mixer going on," suggested Penny. "From seven to ten pm in the Norton Hall Multipurpose Room. It's for grad students and faculty of the science and humanities departments." She snorted."'Whether you split atoms or infinitives, this is the place to be'."
"Perfect!" squealed Raj.
"Have a good time," Sheldon said distractedly.
"Please Sheldon, I don't want to go alone."
"Raj, I'm not interested."
The astrophysicist thought for a moment.
"What if I give you my Green Lantern lantern?" he said.
Sheldon stopped what he was doing and turned to his friend.
"Oh, I've always wanted that," he breathed before adding in a serious tone, "We pick it up on the way there."
"Done."
Sheldon aborted his install and went to his room to get his jacket.
"Sexy," said Bernadette. "I found another lantern on Ebay. Do you want it?"
"Yes please," said Raj warmly. "You're so thoughtful."
XxX
"So," Raj said to Bernadette as he held his phone out and gave it a slow pan of the modest crowd at the mixer. "Should I introduce you?"
"No need. I've isolated their pictures and located their social profiles," she replied. "You're so thoughtful."
"No, I said you're thoughtful." They both giggled.
"Good heavens," muttered Sheldon as he scanned the crowd with distaste. He really wanted to be home working on his computer. Still a deal was a deal. His hand lightly squeezed the handle of his Green Lantern lantern and the Power Ring fit his finger like it was made specifically for it.
"Sheldon, bring Penny out," said Raj. "She's missing the party."
"Rajesh, while you function under the delusion that your OS is a—"
"Oh my God, is that an OS One?" asked a short woman with long brown hair and a friendly smile.
"Yes," replied Raj. He bowed slightly. "Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali."
"I'm Abby," she replied. "I totally want one of those phones but they cost a mint. Are they worth it?"
"Completely." He tilted his phone to Abby. "Bernadette, may I introduce you to Abby?"
"Hi," said Bernadette. "Nice to meet you. How's your thesis on Womb Symbols in Beatrix Potter progressing?" Abby's jaw dropped.
"How did she know that?" she gasped.
"Most likely it scanned your face and looked up your university profile," said Sheldon. He turned to his friend. "Have we found a woman for you to copulate with so we can go home?"
"Wow, that's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern!" said a tall auburn-haired woman wearing a purple-checkered sweater as she came up to the group. She looked to Abby. "You know these guys?"
"Martha, this is Rajesh and, uh." Abby looked questioningly at Sheldon.
"Sheldon Cooper," said Bernadette.
"Dr. Sheldon Cooper," the lanky physicist amended.
"Nice to meet you, Dr. Cooper," said Martha brightly. "I've never seen you out at one of these before."
"Because I'm sane," sniffed Sheldon. Raj snorted and the lanky physicist turned to glare at his friend. "My mother had me tested."
"So where do you usually hang out?" asked Abby.
"Well, one of my favorite places to visit is the two-dimensional world described in Edwin Abbott's mathematical fantasy, Flatland," said Sheldon after a moment. He looked to Abby. "Since Raj is conversing with you he must think you a sexually attractive line segment."
Martha laughed as she leaned her head to Abby.
"Tell him you're a circle. Flatland guys dig circles," she stage whispered.
Sheldon looked at Martha in surprise.
"An intelligent Labradoodle," he said. "Intriguing."
Martha flashed a crooked smile. "'In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight'."
Sheldon stuck his Power Ring against his lantern, making the lantern glow.
XxX
Sheldon took off his housecoat and turned off his overhead light before venturing to bed.
"Martha's really nice," said Penny. "You should see her again."
"I don't have the means to do so," Sheldon replied as he turned off the bed lamp and settled himself.
"She gave you her phone number, Dr. Eidetic Memory."
"Alright, let me rephrase it. I don't have the inclination to see her again."
"Why not?" gasped Penny. "You spent the evening talking about Flatland and comic books."
"I talk about Flatland and comic books with Leonard," Sheldon countered. "That doesn't mean I wish to copulate with him."
"Dr. Cooper—"
"Penny, I have enough fulfillment in my life." Sheldon closed his eyes. "Don't let me sleep in. After having some appetizers at the mixer the timing of my bowel movement might be off."
"Ew, but sure. 'Night sweetie."
As his breathing regulated into slumber Penny began to think.
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"Nurse Chapel and Spock make a cute couple," said Penny from the coffee table.
"They are not a couple," countered Sheldon as he continued to watch Star Trek on the television.
"Wikipedia said she really had the hots for him. And he liked her in his own way."
"I hardly think his throwing a bowl of soup she made for him against the wall is in any way an indication of affection," sniffed Sheldon. "And Wikipedia is a deplorable source of information. For instance, they misnamed Achrady VII 'Achrady VI'."
"Wow," Penny said innocently. "To-tally changes everything."
"Indeed."
"Sarcasm, Dr. Cooper."
Sheldon gave a dour gaspy laugh and did his best to concentrate on the tv, albeit with a scowl on his face.
"I know this might be prying but I noticed that aside from Leonard, Howard and Raj you don't hang out with people," said Penny slowly.
"By design," Sheldon said absently.
"Still, other points of view might be good. For instance, Martha had some interesting ideas about Catwoman."
Sheldon snorted. "You seem to be obsessed with Martha."
"She's nice. And she's interested in you."
"Pish."
"Call her."
"Penny enough," Sheldon said tersely.
"Fine," she pouted. "But there's more to life than just sitting on a couch watching tv, Dr. Cooper."
"Like what?"
"Meeting people. Going places."
"Two things I happen to abhor."
"Let's go exploring," Penny said enthusiastically.
"Let's not and say we did."
"Stubborn, huh?"
"Immovable like the Blob," he replied firmly.
"Huh." Pause. "Dr. Cooper, I hereby challenge you to a battle of intellect. The winner will decide what we do today."
"Today is laundry day," said Sheldon.
"Fine. Tomorrow."
"And just why should I accept such a 'challenge'?"
"You don't have to accept."
"Good."
"I mean if you're chicken that's okay," Penny teased.
Sheldon clicked off the television.
"What do you mean, 'chicken'?" he snapped. "You haven't stated the means for testing my intellect. And FYI it's immeasurable by modern standards."
"No kidding."
"When it comes to my intellectual authority I never kid," Sheldon sniffed.
Penny chuckled. "So how do we go about testing, Tex?"
"Dr. Cooper," Sheldon amended. "Hmm." He brightened. "I know!" He got up and went to the living room closet and took out a box and brought it back to the couch.
"Don't leave me in suspense," Penny teased.
"In keeping with our Star Trek theme I propose playing three dimensional chess," said Sheldon as he opened the box and proceeded to set up the board.
"Okay, I'll be Spock," said Penny enthusiastically.
"Hardly," Sheldon said as he took out the playing pieces.
"Dr. Cooper, I'm an AI as you so very often point out. I'll beat the pants off you."
"We'll see about that."
"It's only logical," Penny said in a Spock-like deadpan voice.
"Very well," said Sheldon with a smirk. He picked up his phone and propped it against the arm of Leonard's chair so Penny could 'see' the board. "But I should warn you Kirk is known for winning no-win scenarios like the Kobayashi Maru."
"Kirk cheated," Penny said bluntly.
"He employed ingenuity," countered Sheldon as he made his first move on the board. "Thought outside the box as it were."
"But there was no cheating when Spock was faced with the same scenario in Wrath of Khan. Pawn 2C to 3C."
"It was the logical choice," said Sheldon as he moved another piece.
"So you're saying that Spock's limited by his Vulcan heritage? Knight D1 to E3."
Sheldon made another move. "Of course not. If anything Spock's occasionally hampered by his human half."
"Much like you. Queen B4 to level one B1. Check."
Sheldon frowned as he thought for a moment and then moved his rook.
"Ah! The Kasparov defense variation. Very kewlie. Only I'll mate you in exactly five moves." Sheldon snorted. "What?"
"While you can copy various strategic moves from databases the basic ability to improvise is beyond your ken," the physicist said haughtily.
"'Basic', huh?" Penny said in an amused tone. "Well, let's see. If I move my lighthouse and you counter with your pointy-head guy and then my horsey moves your king and then my pointy-head guy moves in that's check and mate, bub." Pause. "Oh, and your ken can kiss my Barbie."
Sheldon stared at the board as he went over Penny's moves, a twitch passing over his lips. A moment and then his narrowed eyes glared at his phone.
"Again," he said crisply.
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Wikipedia: Nurse Chapel
Thedancenet: Star Trek 3D Chess Rules