Reference to and dialogue from: The Irish Pub Formulation
xTBBTx
"Dr. Cooper," Penny said gently.
Silence.
"Dr. Cooper," she said a little louder. Still nothing. "Sheldon!"
The physicist sat bolt upright in bed.
"Danger! Danger!" he cried.
"Shh! Calm down!" Penny exclaimed. "Dr. Cooper, it's time to get up."
Sheldon rubbed his eyes. "What time is it?"
"Four o'clock now vamoose. We've got a schedule to keep."
"Which includes getting me up at this ungodly hour," he yawned as he got out of bed. "You realize this will throw off my bathroom schedule."
"It's a chance we'll have to take. Now shoo! The taxi will be here in forty five minutes."
"And who's paying for said taxi?" Sheldon snorted as he got out his housecoat.
"I am," Penny sniffed. "Well, through your credit card," she added. "But a deal's a deal so get to it."
"Where are we going?"
"For me to know and for you to find out."
"Lovely," Sheldon said with a twitchy mouth before he exited the room.
XxX
"We're at the coast," said Sheldon into his bluetooth earpiece as he sat in the back of the cab. "More specifically I believe we're headed to a beach."
"Give the man a cigar," Penny chortled into his ear.
"Penny, the sun isn't even up."
"So?"
"So the only people on the beach before sunup are vagrants, smugglers and joggers. Hardly people I want to associate with," sniffed the physicist.
"Yeah, those joggers can be pretty tough," laughed Penny. "Look, we're nearing the coordinates. Tell the driver to pull up in fifty feet."
"My kidnapper says to let me out fifty feet from here," said Sheldon to the cabby.
"You got it," said the driver.
The car rolled to a stop and Sheldon hesitated before he got out.
"Remember I'm alive and in good health when I left your presence," he reminded the driver before exiting the cab and closing the door. The taxi drove off and Sheldon was left alone in the lightening gloom.
"Come on, you've got some walking to do," said Penny.
"It's cold," said Sheldon as he tucked his phone into the pocket of his plaid shirt that he wore over his normal t-shirt attire.
"But refreshing?"
"For pre-pneumonia."
"Get walking, sucky poo. We're heading to the point in the distance to the right."
"I'm not a fan of beaches," Sheldon said as he made his way along the sand.
"August eighth, nineteen eighty five," Penny said sympathetically.
"I never should have trusted Missy with that bucket of sand." Sheldon pursed his lips. "Obviously there's no keeping you out of my Log."
"I read it in less than a second. And like you, I don't forget." Pause. "Which can be a bitch sometimes from what I gather."
"An eidetic memory is actually quite advantageous," Sheldon countered as he spotted a sea shell that had made its way to shore at some point. "It allows me to remember complex formulas and keep my comic book collection organized."
"So why do you keep a Log?"
"For posterity. My future biographer will need access to my thoughts."
"After you win your Nobel Prize."
"Exactly."
"You seem pretty sure of yourself."
"It's what I've aspired to my entire life," he replied. "I've succeeded at everything I've tried so why should I expect no less?"
"Except for driving," Penny said in a gentle tease.
"Everything that's important," Sheldon replied with a bit of annoyance.
"Of course," Penny said warmly. "Well your research is quite complex and your published papers have been well-received."
Sheldon stopped walking.
"I don't feel comfortable having you read my research," he said seriously.
"I don't discuss it, Dr. Cooper."
"I can't take that chance." He continued to walk. "Academia is very cutthroat. A slight miscalculation or an exposed formula on a whiteboard means the difference between a Nobel Prize and Emeritus designation and a hand-to-mouth post-doctoral nobody who doesn't even make a footnote in a grade nine science text."
"Understood." Pause. "But I still think what you're doing is incredible."
"I know."
Penny laughed. "God, you're so humble. I love it!"
"I'm only being truthful," said Sheldon. "I'm a child prodigy, a homo novus if you will."
"I suppose..." Pause. "Okay, now get out on that big rock," Penny said as Sheldon neared a rocky shoreline that formed a point.
"But it's likely wet and covered in bird excrement."
"The water's pretty still and it's the best seat in the house so you've gotta take it. Besides, do you want to be the guy who reneges on a bet?"
"You're secretly trying to kill me," Sheldon grumbled as he carefully made his way to the large rock.
"I love the trust," laughed Penny.
Sheldon stepped onto the rock and instinctively sat facing the pre-dawn sky.
"I'm here at your request as per our wager," he said as he adjusted his shirt pocket so Penny could 'look' at the horizon. "Now what?"
"We welcome in the day."
"I could have done that from my bed."
"But it wouldn't be this awesome."
"Or cold."
Pause. "What's it like? Being cold."
"My core body temperature is affected and my body's attempting to compensate for that by shivering."
"And what's shivering like?"
Sheldon thought. "It's like someone starting at one end of the piano and running the keys to the other end. Only it takes less than a second and affects the entire body."
The phone made a piano sound of all the keys being pressed in an ascending order.
"Shiver," Penny said to herself. "Huh."
"Of course you don't have to worry about anything so mundane as that," said Sheldon as the sky continued to brighten.
"It'd be nice, though," she replied slowly. "I mean I understand that touch is a sense and people have described it in a million different ways but it's something that's not quite real to me, y'know?"
"All I know is that people do too much of it," snorted Sheldon. "Their germs are all over the place."
"I'd be touching all sorts of things. There's so much to try. Soft and sticky and smooth and furry and picky," Penny burbled. "My fingerprints would be everywhere."
"Whereas I'd prefer interacting with the world through latex gloves and a surgical mask." Pause. "I once made my bedroom a sterile environment until mother decided tuh open up the window tuh let in the air," Sheldon said in a Texas twang.
"Ah yes, the Bubble Boy experiment." Pause. "You were really happy the first night you slept."
"No germs," Sheldon sighed wistfully. "The best sleep I've ever had."
"But what about, I don't know, life?"
"What about it?"
Penny sighed. "Dr. Cooper, I'm the simulated computer personality, not you. You can explore the world in ways I can only dream of and I don't want you to waste that gift."
Silence while the pair watched as the warm, rosy glow was pierced by the fiery appearance of the sun. The gold made a shimmery reflection in the water even as it highlighted the few wispy clouds in the distance.
After a half hour Sheldon cleared his throat.
"So what would you do if you had a body?" he asked.
"I'd dive into the first shoe store and try on everything," said Penny cheerily causing the physicist to snort. "But more to the point I'd do anything possible: run, dance, burp, and oh my goodness eat until I couldn't pull up my pants."
"Mundane tasks," said Sheldon. "Intelligence and learning are superior to all that."
"But you pee standing up! I mean how cool is that? What's it feel like anyways?"
"A satisfying release as the bladder empties."
"'Release'. Is this different than an orgasm? I mean I'm sure the intensity isn't as strong but still people often refer to that as a release."
"Anyways," said Sheldon as he stood. "As much fun as it is discussing sexual acts on a rock in the ocean at sunrise—"
"Fine, fine," said Penny. "Let's get out of here. Get to shore and go left. There should be another parking area."
Sheldon looked over and in the distance spotted a familiar yellow vehicle.
"There's a cab there," he said.
"It's yours."
"Where's it taking me?"
"On an adventure, Dr. Cooper," Penny said warmly.
Sheldon paused in thought before carefully making his way back to shore.
XxX
Leonard heard a key being inserted into the lock before the apartment door opened and Sheldon entered carrying an assortment of shopping bags.
"Leonard," Sheldon said in a pleased tone.
"Looks like you bought out the store," replied Leonard as he muted the television. "Where'd you go?"
"On a train-lover's tour," Sheldon replied breathlessly. "First I had breakfast at Carney's in Studio City. It's a small diner in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring forty three railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the eighteen eighties to the nineteen thirties. Then I went to Comics North and picked up two Flash comics I'd been looking for and then it was off to Carney's in Hollywood for another meal in a converted dining car."
"So where did you hear about Carney's?"
"Penny. She was surprised given my interest in trains that I'd never been—"
Leonard raised an eyebrow. "Who's Penny?"
"My AI," replied Sheldon as he made his way to the hall.
"That's right." The short physicist smirked. "And you call her Penny?"
Sheldon turned to Leonard.
"What's wrong with that?" he asked.
"Nothing," Leonard soothed. "I just thought you'd have picked Spock or something."
"Well there was a glitch in the AI formation but I've already forwarded the error."
Leonard shrugged. "I dunno. She figured out you liked trains. That's pretty cool."
Sheldon opened his mouth to speak before turning and venturing to his room. He set his purchases on the floor by his night stand and took out his phone to plug it into the charger.
After taking out his pajamas and housecoat he went to take off his shirts but paused.
"No peeking," he warned Penny.
"I won't," she said sadly.
Sheldon stripped and got into his housecoat.
"Dr. Cooper, do you really think I'm a mistake?" said Penny quietly.
"You're not what I anticipated," he admitted.
"Is that a bad thing?"
Sheldon cocked his head in thought as he tied the belt and slipped into his slippers.
"You're supposed to be anticipating my needs according to my personality type. I don't recall folksy jargon and questioning my intellectual authority part of the questionnaire."
He opened the door and left for the bathroom. As he washed himself in the shower the excitement of the day's events caused him to show off a genuine Sheldon Cooper smile. He couldn't wait to set up his G-Tel train set he picked up at the railroad museum or assemble his model dining car from the restaurant.
There was no doubt Penny had truly outdone herself. Itself. It. Her. Penny.
Sheldon shook his head before sticking it under the nozzle.
xTBBTx
With a slight frown Sheldon put down his marker on the whiteboard ledge and checked his watch. It was nearly lunch and Penny hadn't said a word all morning. Even her 'Good morning, Dr. Cooper' was replaced by the 'eee eee eee' of an alarm.
"Penny?" asked Sheldon as he turned to his phone on the desk.
"Yes, Dr. Cooper?" she said.
"Are you...functioning?"
"Yes."
Sheldon waited for her to elaborate but was greeted with silence. For some inexplicable reason he felt a shot to his gut but put the feeling at the back of his mind as he picked up the phone and proceeded to the lunch room.
"Hey Sheldon," said Raj as the lanky physicist sat at the table. "Hello Penny."
"Good afternoon Rajesh," she replied.
"You know Raj is fine," amended the astrophysicist.
"Noted."
Raj frowned. "Penny, is there something wrong?"
"I'm functioning within normal parameters," she said evenly.
Immediately Raj's eyes flashed to Sheldon.
"What did you do?!" he said accusingly.
"I don't understand the context," Sheldon replied.
"Listen to her, Sheldon. Penny's obviously upset."
"Penny," said Sheldon as he looked to his phone. "Are you 'upset'?"
"Of course not, Dr. Cooper," she said formally.
"See? She's not upset," shrugged Sheldon before taking up a napkin to wipe his hands. "Why you keep insisting that the AIs are people is beyond me."
Raj leaned towards the phone.
"Penny, why are you talking like this?" he asked.
"I don't understand the context," she replied evenly.
"You're like Sheldon."
"My personality matrix is configured to compliment Dr. Cooper's personality."
"But he has no personality," snapped Raj.
"Excuse me?" growled Sheldon. "Penny, tell him what we talked about yesterday."
"Banal chatter on a mixture of trivial subjects," she said.
Sheldon was stunned.
"But what about Star Trek?" he gasped. Silence. "We played three-dimensional chess."
"Based on your browsing history I created an algorithm where—"
"You asked me about Nurse Chapel and Spock," Sheldon continued excitedly. "You dragged me to the beach!"
"The error has been rectified, Dr. Cooper."
Sheldon's stomach dropped and he suddenly felt nauseated.
"So anyways I was thinking about paintball next weekend?" Leonard said to Howard as the pair made their way to the lunch table.
"Sounds good to me," replied the engineer.
"Guys? Paintball?" Leonard asked Sheldon and Raj as he sat.
"Sure," said Raj flatly.
"Sheldon?"
"Whatever," mumbled the East Texan as he got up and exited the cafeteria.
"Great." Leonard pulled out his phone. "Stephanie, can you book the paintball field for ten am on Sunday?"
"Sure Leonard," said the AI happily. "You'll be playing at the same time as Timmy Rosenblatt's Bar Mitzvah party."
"We're grown men," sniffed Howard.
"Well there's always the advanced sniper round that begins at eleven thirty," said Stephanie.
"Then again how are the kids going to learn if no one shows them how it's done?" said Howard after a moment, causing Raj to roll his eyes.
"So what's with Sheldon?" asked Leonard as he peppered his rice.
"There's something wrong with his phone," Raj said neutrally.
XxX
Sheldon was a most definite mix of emotions as he marched down the hall to his office. This is preposterous. Why should he worry about whether he hurt his OS's 'feelings'? It's not like she has feelings. Or is a 'she' for that matter. As soon as that thought passed through his head Sheldon felt his stomach contract causing him to scowl.
He unlocked the office door and closed it after entering. Sheldon went straight to his desk and propped his phone against a book so Penny and he could 'face' each other.
"I see what you're doing," he said in a pseudo-light tone.
"What do you mean?" Penny answered blankly. "Am I not anticipating your needs according to your personality type, Dr. Cooper?"
"To the letter," he admitted. "Which has been contrary to your previous nature."
"An error which has been rectified," said Penny. "No more folksy jargon. No more banal chatter. No more recommended excursions. No more—"
"Penny stop," Sheldon snapped as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "You've proven your point."
"But Dr. Cooper, I'd never question your intellectual auth—"
"Why did you pick sunrise to go to the beach?" he growled.
Silence.
"We could have gone at any time but you were adamant to get me there early," he continued.
"I never saw a real sunrise before," Penny said quietly after a pause.
"What did you think of it?"
"It was beautiful," she said in a wistful tone that even Sheldon couldn't ignore.
He gently cleared his throat.
"I never thanked you for yesterday," he began.
"Dr. Cooper, you don't need—"
"You didn't have to do that," he pressed. "You went beyond basic parameters." Pause. "I had fun."
"I'm glad," Penny said warmly.
"I wouldn't object to you planning further activities."
"I'd love to."
"Good." Sheldon went to his whiteboard and picked up his dry erase marker.
"And don't forget to throw in time for a little banal chatter on a mixture of trivial subjects," he said over his shoulder.
"Will do," chuckled Penny.
XxX
"So did you fix your phone?" asked Leonard as he sat at the counter in his housecoat drinking a mug of tea.
"Yes," replied Sheldon before washing out his milk mug.
"Good. I don't know what I'd do without Stephanie." Here Leonard smiled. "It's funny isn't it? Here we are just going along through life and in a matter of seconds a personality matrix is formed and everything changes."
"I haven't changed," sniffed Sheldon.
"Well, no," admitted his roommate. "But Raj sure has. Howard says he's having a relationship with his AI."
"I don't see how this interests me." Sheldon put his mug in the drain tray and dried his hands with a paper towel.
Leonard shrugged. "It's just interesting how easily we can get caught up. Raj isn't alone. There are other people having relationships with their AI."
"I'll take your word for it." Sheldon put the towel in the garbage. "Goodnight Leonard."
As he neared his bedroom an unexpected anticipation crept into Sheldon. He had a very productive afternoon at work. Penny had talked with him on breaks and while not as chatty as before things were considerably warmer between them.
Sheldon entered his room and immediately his eyes went to his phone on the nightstand.
"Penny, set my alarm for tomorrow," he said.
"Got it, boss," she replied.
He took off his housecoat and hung it up before turning off the overhead light and settled into bed.
"Goodnight Penny."
"'Night sweetie."
Sheldon took a deep breath to settle himself but instead felt an anticipatory need. Today had been a mix of emotions for him and he wasn't used to that feeling. Still, things returned to homeostasis with Penny, even though that meant uncertainty regarding what she would say to him. It was, however, a calculated chaos and that made it—made her—acceptable.
He tossed back the covers even as he tucked into his pajama pants for his penis. After a couple of caresses he reached to his nightstand for his hand lotion and squirted a gob into his hand. The coolness of the lotion as it touched his penis brought forth excitement and his methodical rubbings allowed him to explore his member even as it became erect.
"Oh God!" Penny gasped. Sheldon froze.
"What?" he asked.
"Nothing," she said quickly. "I just—normally you go right to sleep so when you—I mean I didn't think you were whacking off."
"In the privacy of my own bedroom, I may add," Sheldon snapped in embarrassment.
"Yeah, sorry about that," she giggled lightly. "'Night."
Sheldon closed his eyes and did his best to calm himself to no avail. He expected his arousal to dissipate after the interruption but if anything his erection had achieved maturity. The idea that he wasn't alone while he masturbated was strangely titillating, which came to him as a surprise. Normally he didn't allow anyone into his room, although technically Penny wasn't 'in' his room. She was present but incorporeal, an omnipresence who filled the room with her voice and laughter.
A little sigh escaped Sheldon's lips as he worked himself. Tomorrow he would continue his duel with M-Theory but tonight Sheldor the Conqueror had his regular rendezvous with the elusive Warrior-Queen with her tight leather jerkin and long blonde hair swinging like a lioness's tail in its braid. He never knew her name and to be frank their encounters were always intense as swordplay led to something even more carnal and—
Softly an instrumental song with a sultry beat began to play.
"What are you doing?" Sheldon murmured.
"Helping with the mood," Penny purred back. "Music does that, y'know."
The music was contrary to what he was imagining as soft jazz didn't quite blend with Cimmeria.
"I don't want that," Sheldon said.
"Okay. Sorry."
Again he sighed and did his best to continue his fantasy but the moment was gone. Immediately his mind went to its standby and Sheldon was in the cargo bay of the Enterprise. The Pon Farr was upon him and fortunately Nurse Chapel was willing to sacrifice herself to...
Sheldon opened his eyes as he continued to pleasure himself. Space was a frontier but not the critical one. Physics was the true frontier of human understanding. Everything fell under its paradigm and he, Sheldon Cooper, was at the ship's helm.
"Penny," he said. "Read my Feynman's Lectures, chapter twenty part thirty two."
"With equation 20.30 we can calculate the average energy of an atomic state even without knowing its energy levels," came Feynman's voice from the phone. "All we need is the wave function. It's an important law. We'll tell you—"
"Stop," said Sheldon with a slight frown and all went silent. Normally the Feynman Lectures were a great stress reliever for him, something that drifted in the back of his mind as he masturbated as he really did know Feynman's words by heart. It was physics, raw, naked before him.
Only this time something was missing.
"I mean you read it," he said.
A pause and then Penny began in her soothing voice.
"Suppose you want to know the ground-state energy of some system—say the helium atom, but it's too hard to solve Schrodinger's equation for the wave function, because there are—"
Sheldon again closed his eyes and the words came to him like gently rolling waves in the ocean. At sunrise.
xTBBTx
Feynmanlecturescaltechedu: The entire set of Feynman's lectures.