Disclaimer: Recognizable dialogue is not mine. Belongs to Dick Wolf and NBC as well as the characters. Lyrics to 'Bless the Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. Underlined quote from Crazy, Stupid, Love.
Author's Note: Thank you for supporting my first EO story. It's been a wonderful journey!
Chapter 6: Making Your Way Home
Her: You know that place between awake and sleep.
That place you still remember dreaming.
That's where I'll always love you.
That's where I'll be waiting... - Tinkerbell
Him: "Well, it was a million tiny little things that,when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic. - Nora Ephron
...
"You don't have to tell me anything else." He finally breaks the long silence. "I shouldn't have pushed."
"No, you shouldn't have." You say wearily. "But you always do…did…that." You have to always stop yourself from talking about him in the present. Somehow your mind doesn't let you believe that your partnership is in the past. Nick occasionally hears you slip up but he doesn't give you grief about it.
More than many people, he understands the struggle of moving on. Of knowing when to let things go.
He's here now but how long is that going to last? You don't trust the good things. Somehow they always slip away from you. So you've learned not to count on them.
The ones that love you – they always leave. And the monsters? They always stay.
"How are the kids?" You ask even though he's already told you a little. You're not ready to keep talking about Lewis. He's never far from your mind, not for one single moment, so for a little time at least you want to talk about something else. Anything else.
"Growing like weeds. You wouldn't recognize Eli." He grins. "Wait, strike that, I think you would. He's the spitting image of Kathy. Got my eyes, though. And my attitude."
"That poor kid. Just what the world needs, another Elliot Stabler."
And he smiles, really smiles, as he remembers that other time when you told him those exact same words. Right after he had pulled you into his arms and you could feel his heart racing. Could smell his fresh clean scent…and his relief that Kathy, that his new baby son, that you, were all-right.
It's remarkable how these small moments crystallize so clearly in memory. And that they've become more precious to you than memories of your own family. Because, in many ways, Elliot was more your family than your mother ever was.
"The kids miss you, Liv." You're startled because you didn't even think the Stabler kids would even give you a second thought. Many times you knew you didn't imagine the resentment in their eyes, jealous of how close he was with you and not with their mother. Jealous of how much time he spent with you and not with them. Regardless of the fact that it wasn't by choice.
And you never blamed them for that.
How could you when they could never really understand? And you definitely could never explain to anyone else the bond the two of you shared. Because no one would understand how the two of you were that close and never once slept together. Never once even kissed.
(Damn forehead kisses didn't count.)
You're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man.
"Don't lie to me to make me feel better, Elliot Stabler." You snap because you don't want to believe him. The Stabler kids have been long out of your life now and you don't want to believe that they care because it would hurt you too much.
You've spent so much of your life missing people. People who have walked out and never returned. Sometimes it's just easier to stop caring at all.
"Maureen was really pissed at me for never getting back in touch with you. She practically tore me a new one when I never went looking for you after your abduction. And Kathleen…she's never forgotten that you helped save her life. She's been clean for years now and she owes a lot of that to you."
…..Flashback….
The sun is so bright. So damn bright, it's like a sword piercing his skull. And there's hammering too. So much hammering. At first, he thinks the hammering is all in his head but after a while he recognizes it as the knocking of the door.
So he slides out of bed, slipping on a pair of pants and t-shirt and staggers to the door.
"Goddammit to hell." He swears. That is the last time he goes through a half bottle of Jameson Irish whiskey. He's always stuck to beer – cheap, easy, and you can find it everywhere. Like a whore turning tricks.
He can hear thumping from the apartment next to his and somehow the scent of bacon wafts through the air ducts. His stomach churns. He does not want to think of food. Not now. Never again.
The pounding gets louder…at the door and in his head.
"I'm coming, dammit." He shouts.
Opening the door, he shuts his eyes. Because the sun is so damn bright. How did he forget that the sun was that fucking bright?
"Dad?"
"Maureen?" He peers at her through blurred vision and the painful residuals of the world's worst hangover.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She says angrily, moving past him into his apartment.
"Language, Maureen. I'm still your dad." He says gruffly.
"Then why don't you start acting like it?" She responds angrily but her eyes are sad. "Dad," she says, looking around at the complete mess, "what are you doing? You told Mom you'd stop drinking. And you were supposed to be at Eli's game today."
"I did stop drinking." He protests, shame-facedly. "This was just...a slip. And I thought Eli's game was next week."
The look on her face clearly tells him she's not buying it.
"Dad." Maureen is clearly frustrated but love's there too. "That's crap. You have to get yourself together. For Eli, for the rest of us! Come on, is this what she would want for you?"
He doesn't have to ask who she is.
"It's none of her business. And it's not yours either, Mo. Let it be." He mutters.
"Does she even know?" And Maureen had her don't play dumb with me face on. He knows it well. Kathy's turned it on him plenty of times.
"I haven't talked to her since I left the precinct." Elliot's not sure why he's even having this discussion with his oldest daughter but he's blaming it on the hangover and intense vulnerability. Tomorrow things will be back to normal.
Back to where he's giving her life advice. Not where the shoe is on the other foot.
"What the hell, Dad?" Maureen throws up her hands. "She was your partner, for God's sake! She was your friend. She was our friend. She saved Mom and Eli too. And YOU, so many times! How could you just walk away from her that way?"
"I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE." He roared. "I HAD to walk away. For you, your mom, for ALL of you. I had to save our family. Everything..." he gets quieter..."it was all falling apart. Everything."
Maureen looks sad. "It was because you killed that girl, wasn't it? And don't give me that face – I'm not stupid. God, Dad, give me some credit. I'm your kid. Don't shut me out like you did to Mom all those times. I'm a big girl, I can handle it."
"But maybe I don't want you to handle it. It's my job to protect you from all the shit in the world."
He sits down on the couch, kicking the empty bottle of Jameson away. Maureen picks it up and throws it in the trash.
"Dad, you've got to make it right." She tells him and hands him some bottled water she had in her bag. "You can't keep doing this. I know you and Mom aren't together anymore but we're still your family. We all love you – even Mom - but this has got to stop. We need you. And she needs you."
"She doesn't need me." Elliot says quietly.
"Yeah, Dad, she does. Do you even know what happened to her? Do you even care?"
"How can you ask me that, Maureen?! And, once again, this is none of your goddamned business." He yells.
"That my dad's a falling down drunk IS my business." Maureen yells back. "Dad, you need to get your shit together. Make this all right. And don't you give me that watch your language crap."
And she sits down next to him on the couch. "She needs you, Dad."
Elliot looks at his older daughter. "I'm sorry, Mo."
"Then make it right." She tells him, putting a hand on his arm. "Stop drinking. Talk to Olivia."
"I just don't want her to see me this way." He's so broken and it kills him that his baby – no, she's really not a baby anymore – can see it. He used to be so good at hiding these things. Or maybe he wasn't and they could always see how the job hurt him but pretended they didn't notice.
"How did you get so smart, Maureen?" He smiles a little, eyes sad.
"I don't know. But I'm pretty sure the smarts are all from Mom." And Maureen grins, ignoring the intimidating glare El shoots her way.
"So," she leans over and gives him a big hug, "what are you going to do?"
…...End Flashback...
Your heart breaks. It kills you that things had gotten that bad for him. And you hadn't been there to help.
Because he hadn't let you.
Goddamn you, Elliot Stabler.
You try to ignore that pesky little voice in the back of your head.
{Remember that old adage of throwing stones at glass houses, Olivia.}
"They really do care about you, Liv. They always have. Maureen got me to see straight. Haven't had a drink in months."
Despite these encouraging words, his eyes are sad.
Sad for what you've been through, sad that he couldn't save you, sad for all the time that both of you have missed because he was too fucking stubborn to call out for help. Too fucking stubborn to open up to you.
Again.
The more things change, the more things still stayed the same.
You both are so broken. And how are you supposed to navigate this new world, one that's so very unfamiliar and familiar at the same time?
By his presence here, what he's told you, he's asking you for a second chance.
An opportunity to make things right.
Right now, you're standing at a crossroads, one road that's completely familiar – you know its twists and curves so very well, know all its pitfalls and detours - and one that has some of the familiar ways but, in many ways, is totally new.
The choice is yours.
And you turn to him.
"I missed you, El." Just saying the words hurts. They're shards of glass piercing your throat and your heart and you're bleeding all over again from the cuts and wounds that never healed and got reopened by Lewis' taunts over your helpless body.
You had to save yourself because he wasn't there for you. Hadn't been there for a long time.
Can you get past that?
"I realized something else when Maureen kicked my ass." He says slowly, looking at you with that same tenderness he's always looked at you. Yet there's something else in his eyes. Something else that you had dreamed of seeing there for so long.
I should have fought for you.
But you don't want to admit what it is to yourself because good things have been so illusionary for you. And this present reality is so fragile that you don't want it to shatter.
I'm so scared. What if you leave again and I break? And can't be put together?
Elliot put his papers in
He moves closer to you and, hesitantly, puts his hand on yours. They haven't changed and you wonder why you expected them to; maybe you were expecting him to be a totally different man? But, no, he's still your partner.
Still the one you spent so many waking hours of your life with.
They're too close.
The one who knows you. Almost more than you know yourself.
You know everything about me.
You hurt from his leaving, you hurt from the breaking.
I heard about Stabler, about the shooting. Is he coming back?
But when you touch me, it's like coming home. And I never want to leave.
You are my home. Am I yours?
You expect him to say "I missed you too" or something like but, instead, something you never thought you'd hear comes out instead:
"I love you, Liv. I've always loved you."
...
And it feels so right. The one thing that has in a very long time.
Everything in your life has felt so very out of place, so off-kilter, even before Lewis. You've managed to soldier on because you're resilient and you're tough. But it's felt like everything has just been a matter of survival.
I haven't thrived there. Not in a long time.
You used to laugh at those people who talked about missing a piece of themselves. You'd snort and say it was ridiculous, that people are complete all on their own, they don't need someone else.
You could survive without Elliot. But you haven't thrived without him.
He's the piece that you've been missing.
...
And the two of you stay silent for hours. After his declaration, in a very uncharacteristic show of timidity, El almost shrinks into himself.
And you understand that. He's put himself out there - after walking out on you. Made himself completely vulnerable in a way he would not have years ago. It's then that you know there's a chance for the both of you.
For two wounded souls to find healing again.
It'll be a long road for the both of you but all of a sudden the unknown road isn't so scary anymore. Because he's with you.
So you turn to him and you touch all the memories he left with you when he left.
"I love you too. I've always loved you."
...
And he slides close to you, touches your cheek. And his hands, craggy, calloused, scarred, are soft against your face. You close your eyes and lean into him. And, finally, after fifteen long and lonely years, you kiss.
His lips are soft and firm against yours. He doesn't push you too hard; he knows you've been through hell. But you taste the years on his mouth and it's a mix of bitter and sweet.
You've both had to wait so long for each other and been broken on the journey.
And you start kissing him back. Your hands reach for the collar of his shirt and you bring him to you.
His tongue gently slides into your mouth and you can't, you just don't want to stop kissing him.
But he doesn't try to touch you. Not yet. He just kisses you, like you're the first person he's ever kissed and the last one he's kissed and all the others in between.
-I've waited so long for you. So long. Why did you leave me?-
-I had to walk away. To save my sanity, to save my soul. Which I almost lost anyway. Because I wasn't with you. -
-Why didn't you call? What was the real reason? Because you know I would have been there for you.
-I didn't want to tell you I loved you. I had to try to save my family. To keep them together. -
-And now?-
-I still want to keep them together. But you're my family too, Liv.
You whisper to him that you're scared.
-I haven't done this. Not in a long, long time. Not really.-
And he says he understands.
-Look at this old man. Starting over again after twenty plus years. You think I'm not scared? Not damaged?-
Both of you are wounded. But now you're not alone to bear the wounds.
He's come back to you.
Then El kisses you. For the second time. And it's fierce and it's hot and it's everything.
I love you. I've always loved you.
Nuzzling his nose with yours, you smile, truly smile for the first time in years, for the first time since Lewis.
You've finally come home.
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you