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Deeks had been cleared by Nate after a couple more sessions. He was more than excited about it, but things still weren't right. Kensi hadn't been cleared yet, but the improvement they both saw in each other was amazing. They had yet to spend a night alone, but the nightmares were starting to wane for each of them. And while the friendship was still firmly rooted—and their main focus—the attraction between them was also growing. Little touches between the two were starting to last longer, the looks holding more heat. It had been five and half months since their fateful night, and both were more than a little nervous to cross that bridge again – the last time things had blown up in their faces before it could even begin, and the frozen lake had cracked before they knew how to fix it.
The difference, though, was that this time they knew exactly what was on the line, and neither would be willing to give it up. During this time that Kensi had been back, they had figured out the fine line of work and home, and even though things were still a little shaky sometimes, it wasn't anything they had been unable to get past. They arrived together every day, shoulders touching as they walked in the door. And you could see them holding hands and smiling as they left the mission each day, the rest of the world be damned.
Kensi was hoping this would be the day Nate would clear her for duty. She had made tremendous progress forward in the week she had been talking to him. She was learning to let go of the guilt and blame she had been carrying because of what Deeks had done. She was starting to believe that it wasn't her fault, and that what had happened with Jack wasn't something she could control. You can't force someone to stay with you and love you, no matter how much you want it to happen. He had let go of her and their past, and she was beginning to do the same.
Kensi's eyes flicked over to her partner and she smiled. Yeah, she was doing the same. Because this man sitting across from her, he believed in her and she knew that no matter what, unless it was death, he wouldn't leave her like Jack had. It had taken something horrific for her to open her eyes fully and understand that what they had – their thing – it was solid, and it was real. They may not have been able to cross that bridge yet, but they both had one foot on it and as long as he was here next to her, holding her hand, this time the bridge would hold.
"Watcha thinkin' about over there?" Kensi's eyes focused and she locked eyes with her partner who was smiling at her. "It was me, wasn't it? I'm the stuff daydreams are made of."
Kensi just rolled her eyes and threw a pen at him. She knew she couldn't refute it, because he was the one she had been thinking of, and if she tried to lie he would see right through it.
Sam and Callen watched the two, but before any more teasing could happen, Eric whistled, calling the team up to OPS. They all stood and made their way up the stairs. Kensi may not have been cleared for field work yet, but she could still put her two cents in regarding the case. Just as she made the landing, she felt Deeks next to her.
"I see you didn't deny your little daydreams there Fern. Don't worry, you star in all of mine, too." He pushed past her as her jaw dropped. They hadn't really flirted a whole lot since she had been home, but it seemed that that little game was back on.
As she took her spot next to him behind the console, she whispered to him. "Touché." Deeks's face lit up with the smile she had missed so very much. She nudged her elbow to his before bringing her attention back to Eric.
But, it didn't escape her that Deeks had slowly moved his arm closer to her so that they were touching ever so slightly. She knew it was silly, but the simple act made her happy.
A marine had been murdered the night before, and all evidence pointed to the wife. She had found out that her husband had been having an affair and had made plenty of threats towards both parties. Her prints had been found at the crime scene, and her hat had been left behind.
Eric and Nell had found her on traffic cams in a seedy motel in the bad part of town. The three men made their game plan to surround the room and get inside, hopefully without any issues.
As Kensi was checking the straps on Deeks's tactical gear, she could feel his eyes on her. When she was satisfied that his gear was on tight she stood back up, meeting his eyes.
"You care." His words were short, simple, and full of longing.
"I do." She held his gaze. They both knew that there was a chance of one of them not coming back at the end of the day, and they were both starting to realize the significance of not leaving things unsaid.
"I do, too." He smiled at her, knowing they weren't in the right place to say the words or to make the actions, but they always could say more with their eyes than words ever could.
"Be careful, okay? Don't make me get off desk duty to come save you." She saw a flash of something in his eyes for a split second, and if they didn't have the past they had, she would have missed it. She looked down, wondering if and when they would ever get past walking on eggshells around each other.
Deeks knew he hadn't concealed the painful glint in his eyes well enough when he saw her look down. He couldn't help the memories of both rescue missions they had been on. He put his finger under her chin, bringing her attention back to him.
"I'll be careful. As long as I know you'll be here when I get back…" he let his voice drift off and stared at her. Last time he hadn't been with her, she had vanished. And while his head told him she wasn't going anywhere, his heart was still having problems catching up.
Kensi's hand found his and she squeezed. "I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere. I promise." They had both needed this reassurance, and he used his thumb to run over hers. They both stared at each other, unconsciously getting closer together until they heard Callen talking to Sam. They both took a step back but kept their eyes locked.
"Damn, aren't they cute, G?" Sam saw the two partners take in each other and smiled.
"Sickening." Callen started making gagging noises and both Kensi and Deeks looked away laughing.
"You two are ridiculous, you know that right?" Kensi glanced between the two and walked back to her desk. She pointed at Deeks, silently reminding him to be careful. He nodded at her and winked, letting her know not to worry, he'd be back.
The mission was suddenly quiet as she got started on paperwork, determined to keep her mind off Deeks and the mission they were currently on.
Three hours later, Eric whistled at her. As soon as she looked at him, he gave her two thumbs up, letting her know all was good and the guys would be heading to the boat shed soon with their suspect.
She mouthed 'thank you' to him and he nodded, heading back into OPS. She put her head in her hands for a minute before she heard someone walking up. Lifting her head, she saw Nate.
"Hey Nate." They smiled at each other, more comfortable with each other now. Sure, they had been friends before this, but now it was different. He knew a lot of her secrets now and he didn't think anything different of her. If it was that easy with him, she knew that she could trust Deeks with the same information and more – so much more.
"Hey Kens. You ready?" He smiled at her, happy that she made progress and had been willingly sharing information. She nodded at him and stood up, following him up the stairs to his office.
She asked him about Rose and Nate leaned back, his smile lighting up the room.
"Yeah, I uh, we went out last night actually." He blushed a little but couldn't hide the fact that it had gone well.
"Nate, that's great. I know she's missed you since you've been gone. Any plans on coming back for a while?" If he didn't know better, he would think that she was deflecting. And a year ago, that's exactly what it would have been. But now, the look on her face was genuine, friendly curiosity.
"There may or may not be something in the works. We'll see." He couldn't give away too much, but he had talked with Hetty about getting transferred back full time. If not the Office of Special Projects, somewhere else close by. She had told him she would see what she could do, but he knew better than to hold his breath. If Hetty didn't want him home, he wouldn't be home.
Thinking about Hetty, Nate realized he hadn't really heard Kensi's take on what had happened and the reason she had been sent in the first place.
"So Kens. I think we've come a long way since our first meeting together. We've covered a lot of things, and I can physically see the difference. You're look lighter, smiling more. I believe I even heard a laugh or two." He smiled at his friend and watched as she did the same.
"Yeah, I um… Deeks and I have talked a lot. I'm starting to actually believe that what happened to Deeks and I – it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could do to change the actions that were done." She kept eye contact with Nate as she said it and he could see the truth in her statement.
"That's great. Really. Because none of it was your fault Kensi." She nodded at him and kept quiet.
"You know, even though we've gone over a lot, I haven't heard your thoughts on Hetty's involvement of it all." Kensi furrowed her eye brows at him and tilted her head a little.
"What do you mean? She sent me over there to see if there was a mole and find the White Ghost."
For all his training, Nate couldn't help but pale just slightly as he realized Kensi didn't know the details. So that's why she never said anything about it. Before he could cover his tracks, Kensi spoke.
"What are you talking about Nate?" She still had her eye brows furrowed together, trying to piece together things in her head. She knew Nate was keeping something from her. You don't become a highly trained and respected undercover federal agent without knowing when someone was either lying or keeping secrets. And right now, by omission, Nate was doing both.
"Kensi, I uh –" He had no idea what to say, but he knew she deserved the truth from Hetty herself. "That's something you need to talk to Hetty about."
Kensi narrowed her eyes and stood up. "Well, I think now would be a good time to do that then, huh?" She stood up, not waiting for his reply and threw the door open.
Deeks had just gotten back from the boat shed with the guys and was about to open his computer up when he heard something from upstairs. He saw Kensi storm down the stairs, not even glancing his direction, with a very determined and almost angry look on her face as her eyes stayed glued to Hetty's desk. What the hell?
He quickly got up and started to walk over when he heard Kensi's voice.
"What are you not telling me?" He was beside her in a moment and looked back and forth between the two. Hetty took a sip of her tea and looked at Kensi, not even acknowledging Deeks.
"Hetty, what are you not telling me?" Kensi's voice was a little more forceful this time and Deeks instinctively put his hand on her back, letting her know he was there with her. Kensi didn't look at him, but after a moment, she relaxed a little.
Hetty finally looked over at him and back at Kensi. "I think this should be a conversation between you and me, Ms. Blye." Kensi immediately started shaking her head.
"You can say it to us both. It will save me having to recap it later." Her voice held a twinge of sarcasm and Hetty simply nodded. "As you wish."
She set her cup down on the saucer and sighed.
"Jack Simon was a friend of mine." All the air left Kensi's lungs. Deeks quickly took her hand, lacing their fingers together without taking his eyes off Hetty.
"He moved to Afghanistan six years ago, working as a military contractor as well as for the CIA. After his wife was killed in the drone attack, the CIA used his vulnerability and coerced him into becoming an asset." She paused a moment, watching the pair.
"The CIA made up the White Ghost as a way to give validity to his execution. Jack knew they were coming for him and he asked me for help. So I sent you, Ms. Blye, to be his executioner.
"You did what?!" Kensi hadn't said a word yet, but Deeks couldn't stop his mouth from opening and words coming out. Kensi squeezed his hand, telling him silently to let her continue to story.
"I was trying to protect a friend. I knew that if I sent you as the shooter, you wouldn't take the shot. I wanted to give him a running start from the wolves. Just not at your expense, Kensi." Hetty kept her eyes on her female agent, trying to convey without words how sorry she was for not telling her the real reason that she had been sent to Afghanistan.
Deeks took his eyes off and Hetty and looked at Kensi, who had tears brimming. She stood there, not moving and it was his turn to squeeze her hand, bringing her back to the present.
"Mr. Deeks, I apologize for letting you believe that you were the reason Ms. Blye was reassigned. There was no way I could reassure you without giving anything away." She moved her eyes back and forth, trying to gauge their reaction.
"No Hetty, that's where you're wrong. All you had to do was say that. The simple words of 'she wasn't sent away because of you' would have been all that was needed. A huge weight would have been lifted, and guilt would have been taken away. Instead, in your own Hetty way, you sent Kensi to kill her ex-fiancé, who she hasn't seen in ten years for personal reasons. And not even her personal reasons… no, that would have been too easy. You had to do it for your own personal agenda."
The anger was rising in his voice and Kensi looked over at him. She started running her thumb back and forth over his as he talked. She wasn't going to stop him, because they both had every reason in the world to feel betrayed right now and she was hoping if she didn't stop him, he wouldn't stop her.
"Mr. Deeks –" Hetty began, but he cut her off.
"What you did… that's unforgivable Hetty. This team has gone through hell and back for each other and for you. And to help a friend get a running start, you not only threw your agent, but the rest of the team to those wolves. What if we hadn't made it on time, huh? We all could have died. Died, Hetty. Does that mean anything to you? Kensi was tortured." His voice broke a little before he started again, this time almost yelling.
"Tortured. So you could help a friend, without telling a soul the truth. What would have happened if we hadn't made to her in time? Do you even care?" Deeks took a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. Hetty just put her head down for a moment before looking at Kensi, waiting on her reaction.
"I'm sorry Ms. Blye." Kensi just stared at her for a minute, thanking God at that moment for the man standing next to her, keeping her grounded simply by being there and holding her hand.
"It's a little late for apologies. Deeks pretty much said everything I was thinking, so I'll spare all of us the rundown again. But everything that happened in the five months over there and the things we have both been through, that's on you Hetty." She could feel Deeks's hand in hers and shook her head.
"You didn't even have the decency to trust me with that information going over there. Did you ever stop the think that maybe a heads up could have stopped all of this? If I had known the real reason I was over there, and why, it would have made a world of difference. Knowing he was married, that he had a child… while it would have still hurt, I wouldn't have snuck off the middle of the night so I could get captured to get the information. Trust, Hetty. That's all that was needed. We trust you, every day. But you don't reciprocate that." Kensi looked over at Deeks, the anger still evident on his face.
"Trust is a funny thing. Takes a long to earn it and a second to destroy it." She turned away from Hetty, now fully facing Deeks. He looked at her, both of them silently communicating to the other. They both turned away from Hetty together and saw Sam and Callen standing there. Kensi glanced up, seeing Nell and Eric leaning against the railing with their mouths open, but nobody looked surprised at what happened.
"I'm assuming you knew?" Kensi aimed the question at Callen and Sam, and they both nodded at her. Deeks just shook his head a little and started walking towards their desks, pulling Kensi with him.
Once their stuff was together he turned to the others. "We have some things to talk about. Guess we will see you tomorrow." He grabbed Kensi's hand again and walked out of the mission, this time in hopes of leaving the ghosts and guilt behind them.
The drive home was silent. Their hands stayed together, but no words were needed. They both had a lot to process and were comfortable just being with each other. When they pulled up to Deeks's apartment, Kensi unlocked the door and walked in.
"I'm going to walk Monty okay? Wanna call something in for dinner?" Deeks put his keys, badge, and gun on the table and looked at her.
"No, I think I'll make us something tonight." He smiled at her and watched as she grabbed the leash and the homey feel of it all made Deeks react without thought. He walked up to her and framed her face with his hands. He watched the shock light up her eyes as she looked at him. He waited a second, making sure he didn't see anything to tell him she didn't want this too and when the shock turned to anticipation, he leaned forward slowly, pressing his lips lightly to hers.
It was soft and gentle and Kensi sighed, putting her hands on his arms. She felt him pull back and cleared her throat. He didn't move his hands, instead they had found their way into her hair and she smiled.
"So… dinner?" She wasn't sure what to say but she heard Deeks laugh and looked at him. He kissed her nose quickly before stepping back.
"Go walk Monty. I'll get started here." Kensi nodded at him and he watched the two walk out the door.
As soon as the door clicked shut, Kensi let out a breath and put her fingers up to her lips, still able to taste him there. The kiss hadn't been passionate, but it had been perfect. It seemed they had both feet on the bridge now.
Fifteen minutes later, Kensi and Monty walked back inside and was assaulted with smells. She unhooked Monty and walked to kitchen, seeing Deeks place something in the oven.
"Hey Martha Stewart. What smells so good?" She leaned against the counter and watched him as he set the timer on the oven and start making some kind of sauce. There was another pot of noodles cooking next to him, so she walked over and grabbed the fork, stirring the noodles.
Five months ago, the unanswered question and the silence would have made her put her walls back up, but now she knew that he was thinking about something and let him have his time. Lord knows he'd given her plenty of that lately. She saw the bread on the counter and since she now knew they were making spaghetti, she started buttering it to make garlic bread.
"When uh, when I was a kid, my mom used to make this on special occasions. Usually for my birthday or the rare occasion my dad wasn't going to come home that night. He hated spaghetti but he would allow her to make it once a year for me. But she would usually pay for it later that night and have a new bruise the next day to show for it. But she didn't let it stop her. Every year, I told her she didn't have to make it but she would scoff at me and say of course she did."
Deeks kept stirring the sauce and Kensi kept watch over the noodles as she waited for him to continue.
"After I shot him, she came to see me at the police station. She had tears in her eyes as she told me that she couldn't leave him. As she turned and walked out, I knew that I probably wouldn't see her again. And as much as that hurt, I also knew that I couldn't go back to that house anymore."
A few more minutes went by. Kensi wanted to ask him questions, but knew that he needed to do this on his own time, in his own way. The fact that he was opening up to her, telling her something extremely private about himself meant the world to her, and she wasn't going to mess it up.
"After I was shot a few years ago, and Hetty told me that my dad was dead, I called in a few favors and found my mom. It took a while, but I finally built up the courage to go see her. As soon as she opened the door, it was like she had seen a ghost. She let me in, and things seemed to have been going okay. I uh – I asked her if I could come see her again. She got this really sad look on her face and said that I reminded her too much of my dad. I took that as a no."
The timer buzzed and Kensi took the meatballs out of the oven. She adjusted the temperature and waited for it to cool off before putting the bread in to toast it. When the bread was done, they both set the table and sat down.
"I still check in once in a while, make sure she's doing okay. But always from afar. She may not care what's going on in my life, but she's my mom. I have to know that she's okay."
They both sat there, looking at each other. Kensi saw the hurt etched on his face, and her heart went out to him.
"You are the best man I know Deeks. You've survived the odds and came out on top. I am proud to call you my partner, my friend, and whatever else we are. You have a heart the size of Texas, going above and beyond for people you don't even know, a soft spot for mangy mutts, and you can surf with the best of them. Your mom, she may not be able to have you in her life, and for that I am so sorry. But she has no idea what she's missing, because you are… amazing. You're amazing Deeks."
He sat there and stared, wondering how this beautiful woman could know about his past and not shy away from him. He put his hand out and watched as she immediately put hers with it. He ran his thumb over the soft skin and watched as a faint blush crept up on her cheeks.
"Thank you." His voice broke a little and he cleared his throat. "Now, let's eat before it gets cold." They smiled at each other before digging in.
An hour later, the left overs were put away, kitchen cleaned up and they sat on the couch watching a movie. Monty was laying at their feet, and Kensi was playing with the hand that was holding hers.
"My dad and I used to have movie marathons. Whenever he came home, he wanted nothing more than to sit on the couch with me and catch up on the things he had missed. We would talk during the previews and credits, and whenever I started getting tired, I would lay down next to him with my head on a pillow and he would play with my hair. I would be asleep within five minutes."
Deeks squeezed her hand a little and smiled. He had opened up to her earlier, and now she was doing the same. When the next movie came on, Kensi yawned. Deeks immediately shifted a little and guided her head to his lap. He started threading his fingers through her hair and she sighed. He glanced down and saw her eyes close, a smile playing on her lips.
Just as predicted, she was asleep five minutes later, the cute little snort snores she was making warming his heart. He continued to play with hair, relishing the calming affect it had on him. When the movie was over, he gently shook her awake.
"Hey Princess. Let's go to bed." She looked at him with sleep filled eyes and nodded, sitting up. He grabbed her and led her to his room before heading into the bathroom to change. When he came out, she was already under the covers, watching him. He slid in next to her and she turned her back towards him. He was hoping this was a sign and carefully pulled her to him, letting his hand lay across her stomach. She intertwined their fingers and sighed again. She felt him put a kiss on her shoulder before laying his head down, and for the first time since she had been home, they both slept soundly, the nightmares staying away completely.
AN - Only one more chapter to go. Hope you liked this one. Leave a review on your way out.