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It was after Midday when a hung-over Chandler managed to drag himself into the girls' apartment. Unwashed, unshaved and dressed in his faithful worn dressing gown.
"Uuuurgh," he groaned as he collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs, his hands covering his face.
"You ok?" Phoebe asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Self-inflicted," he muttered. "I think I drank the whole of the Manhattan dry."
Phoebe, Rachel and Joey exchanged amused glances, whilst the Gellers shared a concerned look. Monica hadn't slept much last night, her mind a constant whirl trying to figure this all out. Could she love Chandler that way? She was still thinking it all over. She'd been apprehensive about seeing him and now he was here her stomach felt unsettled like it had tiny butterflies fluttering around.
This was insane – it was just Chandler.
"Where'd you go?" Joey asked.
"Some bar after work," Chandler murmured into his hands, "work thing."
"A work thing?" Joey asked. "How come Ross went?"
Chandler's eyes snapped open in panic as his focus swung to Ross. Sudden fragments of last night coming back to him. Ross had been there, sitting at the bar. Crap. Crap. Crap. What had he said? What did Ross know?
Monica saw Chandler's panic and swallowed looking away. It hurt her a little that he was so obviously afraid of letting his secret out.
"I bumped into him towards the end of the night," Ross spoke up, his eyes still holding Chandler's gaze, "made sure he got home alright."
"T-thanks," he spoke quietly, simultaneously searching his memory and scanning Ross' face for clues.
"Was it at least a good night?" Rachel asked.
"Sure," Chandler lied, gratefully turning his focus away from Ross and onto Rachel, "it was fun…what I remember...which isn't much."
Monica resisted the urge to scoff. Fun? Really Chandler?
Joey patted him on the shoulder with a grin, "good for you man. Sounds better than my night with Dani. I only got to sleep with her once before she kicked me out to have some quality alone time with Larry Saunders. Stupid tv show getting in the way of sex again."
Chandler glared at his roommate in disbelief. He had no words.
"You weren't the only one with a bad date," Rachel commented looking over to the otherwise quiet Monica, "you never told me exactly what happened with Ted."
Monica's eyes widened in panic, her gaze shooting to Ross, then to Chandler and then quickly back to Ross. She'd vowed not to hurt him whilst she thought this all over and discussing her date right in front of him was not how she'd wanted to start this. Especially as the date in question was probably the thing that had pushed him over the edge.
"Nothing happened," she said quickly, maybe a little too quickly. She could feel Chandler's questioning eyes on her but she refused to meet his gaze, too flustered, "the guy was boring so I ended the date early."
She hoped that would be enough to reassure Chandler without having to talk about it any further. She could still feel him watching her but still wouldn't look at him. Instead she busied herself collecting the used cups and placing them in the sink.
Chandler frowned in confusion. Part of him thrilled that Monica's date hadn't worked out well and she hadn't met Mr Right. If it hadn't been for his crushing hangover he might even consider jumping onto the kitchen table and doing the happy dance. What was confusing him was Monica – she was acting strange.
"That's it?" Rachel persisted, "but he was sooo cute and a chef!"
Monica closed her eyes briefly trying to think of something to end the conversation. Luckily Ross came to her rescue.
"If he's so great, why don't you date him Rach?" He said it lightly hoping to avoid an argument.
"What?" Rachel's tone suggested an argument was imminent.
Monica turned and shot her brother a grateful look, one which Chandler caught but couldn't decipher. What was going on and more importantly why was Monica refusing to look at him? Suddenly an alarming thought crashed to the front of his mind. God…had he said something last night to her? Please no.
As fear overtook him he was oblivious to the Ross and Rachel argument around him. Had he said something to Monica, had he done something drunk that had revealed what he'd been trying so hard to hide? His head was pounding again and his thundering heart was only making it worse.
"Chandler?" Joey's voice broke through the mist, "you ok, man? You've gone pale."
Suddenly all eyes turned to him, including Monica. She met his gaze for a fleeting moment clearly concerned before looking away awkwardly. Yep, something was definitely going on. Crap.
"I'm fine," he swallowed clearly lying, "just hung-over."
"Just don't throw up in the kitchen," Phoebe advised, "Monica will skin you alive."
He glanced towards the brunette again, hoping she'd make some comment or at least smile at Phoebe's statement but she merely shrugged. She had to know something. He must have done something. Shoulders slumped in defeat he slowly stood up, "I'm gonna grab a shower."
He risked one last look at her before his shoulders dropped further and he quietly left the apartment. He desperately tried to remember last night but he couldn't recall much of it. What he did remember was walking around after work, not wanting to go home in case he ran into Monica all dressed up for her date. Rachel had been banging on about how wonderful this guy was all week and he didn't think he could take bumping into them. Instead he'd made a spontaneous decision to walk into the nearest bar and drink himself to oblivion.
Ross had definitely been there at some point. He couldn't remember why or how Ross had turned up. He remembered snapping at him for something but that was about it. God what had he said to him? What had he said to her? All he'd wanted to do was to drink and forget about life for a while- how had he managed to screw that up so badly?
"Hey!" He spun around, too quickly, grabbing the edge of the foosball table for balance as Ross entered the apartment behind him, "are you ok?"
"I'm not too sure," Chandler admitted studying his friend. It only took him a moment to realize that the look he was receiving was definitely one of pity. "What did I tell you?" he groaned already suspecting the truth.
"Nothing major, just that you're hopelessly in love with Monica," Ross confirmed quietly.
Chandler felt like bashing his head against the table. Hell, he might of if it wasn't being punished so much already by the hangover. Why was he such a doofus?
"Look Chandler," Ross interrupted his self-loathing. "I just wanted you to know that, uh, if you wanna talk about anything, then I'm here, ok."
"It's your sister, Ross," he sighed, "I can't talk to you about her."
Ross took a couple of steps closer, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "It doesn't matter. I wanna be there if you -you're my best friend, man and I appreciate why you felt you couldn't tell me but I wanna help. Just stay clear of any sexual fantasies about her and we'll be cool."
Chandler looked at him…he was being sincere.
"You don't hate me?"
"Of course not, actually I'm kinda rooting for ya."
"What?" Chandler blinked, studying his friend. He still looked genuine, "did you take something last night at the bar?"
Ross rolled his eyes, well used to Chandler's ill-timed humor, "I'm serious man, you're a good guy and I know you'd treat Monica well."
"I would," he promised quietly, closing his eyes against the sudden waves of longing that ripped through him. He knew if Monica ever agreed to go out with him that he'd be the most romantic fool in the universe. He'd treat her like a princess and even though he'd always know he wasn't good enough for her, he'd spend every damn day trying to be.
He took a deep breath, getting a control on his emotions. It was nothing new, he'd been hiding this for longer than he wished to remember. With a heavy sigh he collapsed into a barcalounger and watched as Ross opted for one of the kitchen stools.
"Look," Ross started, "you listened to me about my crush on Rachel for years- since college, it's about time I return the favor."
Chandler shrugged, not completely comfortable with this. He'd kept his feelings about Monica to himself for so long now that it was hard to not hide behind his self-constructed walls. Self-preservation was always high on his list.
"Look, Ross…"
"So how long have you liked her?"
Chandler sighed. Ross had obviously had a night to think about this and had some questions.
"Too long."
"Gee, to think I was worried that you'd be as vague as you were last night," Ross joked lamely.
"What did I actually say last night?"
"Not much, by the time I arrived you were pretty hammered," Ross recalled, "let's see, you drank lots of scotch, refused to talk to me, drank more scotch, cursed me for being there, drank even more scotch, finally admitted to being in love with Monica and then demanded we go home. You pretty much passed out after that." He decided to not to even bring up seeing Monica on the stairs.
"Ah, sorry," Chandler pulled a slight face, "I was really drunk. I hardly remember anything."
"So how long?" Ross repeated his original question.
"How long have I liked her?" Chandler asked. "I don't know. I guess I've always had a little crush on her," he shrugged, very aware that he was talking to Ross. "I was never going to act on it but then it started to get harder to ignore and bam suddenly I was in love with her."
"Just like that?"
"Yeah," he shrugged defensively. "It's not like I can just pin point it and say that's the exact moment I fell for her. Probably around the time she was with Richard and I realized there was a good chance that he was her 'one' and I'd missed out, I'd guess. It just started creeping up on me but it started to get stronger several months ago and I then I just couldn't stop thinking about her. It's got just tougher and tougher and lately it's been all I can think about."
"Wow," Ross breathed, not quite expecting that answer.
"I know," Chandler agreed depressed.
"You hide it really well, I mean I had no idea."
"I kinda had to," Chandler pointed out, "you're her brother, Joey hates keeping secrets and Rachel and Phoebe would have told her in some weird pact that girls always have."
"Sure," Ross agreed quickly, trying to skip past the part where anybody had told anybody, "must have been difficult though."
"The last few months have hardly been a picnic," he agreed, "I just have to get over her somehow."
"Really?" Ross asked surprised, "you're trying to move on before you've even given it a shot?"
Chandler looked pained and for a moment Ross was surprised to see a glimpse of the raw pain he'd seen last night.
"Believe me Ross, if I had any kind of shot I'd go for it in an instant," he closed his eyes a moment. Everyone said talking about it helped but it really didn't. It just made it hurt even more having to say his thoughts out loud, making them real, "but we have to be realistic here. Monica's never gonna like me that way."
"What makes you so certain?" he asked curiously, studying his friend.
"Your sister should never have to settle for someone like me," he confessed quietly.
"What?" Ross had always known that Chandler wasn't the most self-confident but this…"you really believe that?"
"I've had a lot of time to think about it," he pointed out.
"Have you ever considered just telling her? You're both single."
Chandler just shook his head, slowly standing up.
"Chandler, you guys could be great together. You really won't talk to her?"
"Like you talked to Rachel?" Chandler shot back annoyed, "it's not that easy and you know that. You of all people know that." Shaking his head he decided he'd had enough talking for now, "I really need that shower."
Ross nodded, accepting that for now this was over. He got up from the kitchen stool and started walking away. He made it to the door before Chandler's voice startled him, "Ross?"
He turned to see that Chandler hadn't moved, "yeah?"
"Did I say anything to her last night? Did I do anything to upset her?"
Ross looked down debating what to do. Should he say anything? No, he couldn't, it was too early and he'd promised Monica that he'd give her some time before saying anything. It was better that Chandler didn't know, otherwise he'd worry. It was better this way, to give Monica a few days to think it over and get her head straight. At least then they'd know what they were dealing with.
"No," he finally said looking up; technically it was true. "She just helped me get you up the stairs but you were past speaking by that point."
"Oh. Okay."
Confident that he'd comforted his friend Ross headed out of the door. He missed Chandler's worried and confused frown. He must have done something. Chandler just prayed it was fixable.