Bodyguards

Willow finished casting the spell and a wave of blue fire swept over the table. "Done," she announced.

"How can we tell?" Dawn asked.

"Ask a question," Faith suggested and then grinned as she recalled hearing rumors about an embarrassing moment between Giles and Joyce from Ethan. "Like, who here has had sex with Joyce Summers?"

"I have," Giles and Xander chorused.

Everyone turned to stare at Xander, who'd covered his mouth in horror.

"How many times?" Faith asked.

"Once," Giles said as Xander replied, "Dozens!"

"Dozens?!" the Summers sisters chorused in horror.

Xander tried to get up, but the two were sitting on either side of him and grabbed his arms, pinning him in place. "Dozens," he agreed helplessly.

"When was the first time?" Faith asked.

"I was possessed by a hyena my sophomore year in high school and it put the moves on her," Xander admitted.

"You raped my mom?!" Buffy demanded.

"If by rape you mean, came on strong and ended up completely dominated and educated, yes," Xander agreed.

"Oh." Buffy calmed down, blushing heavily.

"How about the second time?" Faith asked curiously.

"Just a couple of months later, a little boy was beaten into a coma and made most of the town's nightmares come true. It turns out that Joyce was a bit insecure since the divorce and since the only action she had was me, when I 'smoked something I shouldn't have' as my excuse for the hyena event, she was afraid she was turning into one of those older women who basically stalked and begged young men for sex. It was horribly degrading on her part, so once the nightmare ended I did my best to recreate it with me doing the begging to restore her confidence."

"That's…nice of you," Buffy said awkwardly. Dawn was just staring at him in horror.

Faith tried not to say it, but the words spilled out anyway, "And then?"

"During Halloween…did you know your mother had dressed as a Vietnamese prostitute? She promised to love me long time, but the character she dressed as was drunk, so really it was a quickie while everyone else was downstairs."

"None of th-those were your fault," Buffy offered with a wince.

"And then?" Faith asked.

"The love spell fiasco…I did mention Joyce was skilled and could be very dominating, yes?"

"I believe so," Giles said slowly.

"And of course, one more time after the spell was broken, since it was a chasing situation again and I didn't want her to associate it with the nightmare," Xander added.

"N-not your fault," Buffy said shakily.

"And then?" Faith asked, causing Buffy to glare at her.

"Remember the student and teacher ghosts in the school? Well, guess what they did on her desk in between classes? I managed to convince her it was just a little role-play and that she was only going along with it not to hurt my feelings, because I was emotionally fragile. I don't even know why she was at the school that day."

"And-" Faith began before Buffy jumped in, "No and then!"

"And then, and then, and then, and then!" Faith rattled off, much to everyone's horror.

"The band candy really did a number on her and her chocolate smeared lips got me too. Of course I didn't know about the chocolate until much later, so I'd thought that was just her role-playing," Xander explained.

"Not completely your fault," Buffy allowed.

"And then you asked me to distract her during the Hansel and Gretel demon incident…and then after the cruciamentum we had a few drinks to calm her down… I also have some vague memories of the mage who cursed the beer and the next thing I know I'm waking up in bed with Joyce again."

"And then?"

Everyone turned to Dawn who covered her own mouth in shock, unable to believe she'd done that.

"Faith switched bodies with Joyce that one time, though I'm not sure she remembers it, because she got really drunk once she saw what we'd done with her body, but to be fair, we were both pretty plastered as well," Xander said.

"No-one should use lawn furniture that way!" Faith exclaimed wide eyed as the memories hit her.

"Give us the rest really quick!" Kennedy ordered, causing Willow to smack her in the shoulder. "It'll be quick!"

"Johnathan's perfect world had Joyce as my secret lover, Dracula's mind control was only really broken because Joyce has a skilled tongue and the time I was split in two had Joyce calling in a favor I owed her."

Dawn and Buffy fled the room screaming, "Aaarrrgh!"

"And that should take care of Buffy's request for a truth spell," Giles said satisfied.

"Nice acting," Kennedy agreed.

"Acting?" Willow asked with a sickly smile.

"I did ask you to fake a truth spell so we could avoid violating anyone's privacy," Giles reminded her.

"Yeah, but then I thought about Buffy's reasoning and a truth spell sounded like a good idea…" Willow trailed off.

"And the lawn gnomes!" Faith exclaimed, while being comforted by Woods. "I can still see the haunted look in their eyes!"

Everyone turned to Xander.

"I'm not apologizing," he said firmly.

Typing by: Elrod Albino!

AN: Made this because someone mentioned that Joyce/Xander fics were almost non-existent.