Once More, With … Wait, What?!
"I challenge," Xander said, shocking everyone.
"What?" Sweet asked, turning away from Dawn.
Everyone turned to Xander, wondering what he was doing.
"I challenge you for Dawn's hand," Xander said. "I win, I get Dawn. I lose, you get us both."
Anya sighed. "This was a short engagement."
"Sorry, Honey -," Xander began.
"No, I get it," Anya interrupted him.
"A challenge?" Sweet asked, amused.
"Dance challenge," Xander said, horrifying everyone who knew him.
"You dance like a pregnant baboon with two club feet!" Willow exclaimed.
"You suck," Buffy said frankly.
"I've seen you dance," Spike said. "Cordelia is a better singer than you are a dancer."
"Ow!" Xander said. "Have some faith people."
"Praying for a miracle is not a good plan," Giles told him.
Sweet laughed. "I accept your offer."
"I need to stop by the bank, and a store, as well to get my dancing clothes," Xander told him.
"Is this a trick?" Sweet asked curiously.
"No," Xander assured him. "I just need my props and clothes."
"You have an hour," Sweet told him.
"Ok." Xander turned to Anya. "I need my blue bag from the back of the closet."
"Oh," Anya said in understanding.
"Meet you back here in an hour," Xander told Sweet, as he hurried out of the Bronze.
Anya took off her necklace and removed a ring from it, handing it to Dawn. "I'll be right back."
"Is everyone as lost as me?" Dawn asked, absently putting on the ring.
"Yes," Willow agreed. "I mean, Xander really sucks at dancing."
"How do we know you'll judge fairly?" Giles asked.
"It doesn't matter," Buffy told him, "Xander can't dance to save his life, unless he's been taking lessons?" she asked hopefully.
"We saw him and Anya at the Bronze last Saturday," Willow said, "He hasn't been taking lessons."
"He'll be judged fairly because you'll all be the judges," Sweet said. "Keep in mind, however, this little limerick 'Liar liar, pants on fire." He burst into laughter that was echoed by the score of demons surrounding them.
"Rather than combusting from dancing, we'll combust if we lie," Giles said in understanding.
"So this just gives him one more chance at burning us as well as Xander's soul," Buffy said bitterly.
"Have some faith," Tara said, speaking up. "It's not too much to ask, is it?"
"No, it's not," Dawn said firmly.
"I've seen him dance," Spike said. "He needs either a miracle or… no he needs a miracle, though I've heard he pulled off one or two before."
Anya returned with a Gym bag while they all sat there wondering what he was planning.
"Can Xander win?" Buffy asked Anya.
Anya nodded. "I admit I'm more than a little biased, even if he is trading me in for a younger model, but –"
"Trading you in for a younger model?" Willow interrupted.
"He's just doing this to save, Dawn," Buffy assured her.
"The challenge is for Dawn's hand," Anya said. "It's a binding vow and he couldn't have made it unless he loved her at least a little."
"Giles?" Buffy asked.
"I hadn't thought of that aspect," Giles said. "I have to say Anya's analysis is spot on."
"He's in love with Dawn?" Spike asked, genuinely surprised.
"It requires love, not specifically romantic love," Tara offered.
"So?" Dawn asked Anya.
"Love but no lust," Anya told her bluntly, "But don't worry, he's easy."
The door opened and Xander came in carrying a pipe and wearing his tool belt with a Sunnydale bank bag hanging off it.
"Twenty minutes to spare," Sweet noted. "Capoeira or limbo?" he guessed.
"Neither," Xander assured him, setting the pipe down and dumping the bag on the table revealing a handful of envelopes and a couple of bundles of ones. "Would you like to go first?"
"What style are we competing in?" Sweet asked curiously.
"Stripping," Xander replied with a grin.
"What?!" came the nearly universal chorus.
"Well played," Sweet said with open admiration. "It is a form of dance I'm not very familiar with, and being human, you'll evoke a much more positive response among your friends, who are the judges."
"It's not that one sided," Xander told him. "Anya was a demon until recently, Buffy has a mental block, preventing her from seeing me as a male, two of the girls here aren't attracted to men, and those two are men."
Sweet grinned. "A fair contest, well if I must."
"You must, you must," Xander quoted, causing a number of people to laugh.
"I don't want my little sister to see you stripping," Buffy complained.
"Before you do something stupid and get me cosigned to hell for all eternity, I think I'll start quoting your Diary about things you did at my age," Dawn said.
"What?!" Buffy exclaimed.
"Buffy, removing Dawn from the judging removes the one person I am positive will be honestly favoring Xander based on her personal tastes," Giles explained.
"And one time at cheerleading camp –" Dawn began.
"Objection withdrawn!" Buffy exclaimed.
Possible endings…
"And the winner is… Sweet," Anya announced once she counted up the ones taken from the performer's G-strings.
"If Dawn had been allowed to participate I'd have won," Xander said with a sigh; "Or if Buffy hadn't stuffed all her money down Sweet's G-string."
"I'm sorry, I just didn't find your dance erotic," Buffy said with a wince. "And Spike also stuffed all his cash down Sweet's pants!"
"He sold it," Spike said with a shrug. "Xander had no interest in me at all and it showed, while Sweet put his hips into it."
"He was also technically proficient and adopted quickly," Anya added.
Sweet snapped his fingers and Xander and Dawn vanished in a burst of flame along with all the demons, leaving the Scoobs in the empty club.
"Well, shit!" Tara cursed.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"Despite receiving all of Buffy's ones, including the ones from her purse," Anya paused to glare at her, "Xander won by a large margin."
"I have been fairly defeated," Sweet admitted with a sigh. "Just as I defeated the king before me. You have won… Sire."
"What?" Xander asked as a wave of flames washed over him and Dawn, leaving them… changed.
"Behold your new selves!" Sweet called out, causing the surrounding demons to cheer the young, red-skinned couple, who's attractiveness had been turned up to eleven.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"I have been fairly defeated," Sweet admitted. "You have won my queen as your own and sent me packing. Still, it's not a total loss."
Female demons were crowded around the stage five deep with flames dancing in their eyes as they eyed Sweet.
"In fact, I'd have to say I came out ahead on this deal." He chuckled. "Ciao." With a snap of his fingers all of the demons vanished in a burst of flames, leaving the Scoobs alone in the empty club.
"The next town he's summoned to is in for a treat," Spike said with a snicker.
"Ok, now that, that's done, Dawn you can give Xander back his G-string," Buffy said.
"Never!"
"Give it here!" Buffy exclaimed.
"One more step and I'll cut you!"
"Where'd you get that knife?!"
"I'm keeping the chaps," Tara told Willow.
"What?"
"I think they'd look good on you," she admitted, blushing.
"Oh!"
"Anything to say?" Giles asked Xander, who was laying on the stage, trying to catch his breath.
"Where'd this wedding ring come from?" Xander asked staring at his hand.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"And… it's a tie," Anya announced, having counted the stacks of money twice to make sure.
Sweet tapped his chin. "I hadn't expected that. I suppose it's a push. I don't get you, but you don't get her either."
Xander tightened the laces on his boot, raising eyebrows on why he'd put on his right boot while standing there naked, before straightening up. "I'll Roshanbo you for her. I'll go first."
"What?"
*WHAM*
Xander's boot caught Sweet right in the nuts and lifted him at least half a foot.
"Yield?" Xander asked cheerfully.
"Yield," Sweet agreed in a strangled whisper, causing all the demons to vanish.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"It's a tie," Anya announced as she set the two stacks of ones down.
"Unexpected," Sweet said, "But a welcome challenge. Another round?"
"I won't stop until I win her," Xander said resolutely.
"Actually, I was impressed by your style," Anya said. "How about an exchange, a girl for a woman?"
"Anya?" Xander asked.
"Sorry Xander," she apologized as her form shifted becoming demonic once more. "I am what I am and being human… just isn't me anymore." With a snap of her fingers she and all the demons vanished.
"Anya," he said sadly.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
"And the winner is… Giles," Anya said as Sweet and Xander stared at the naked Brit.
Giles snorted. "Not my fault you two lack the ability to… perform."
"Hey!" the two snapped back stung.
"Sorry, Hon," Anya apologized, "Rupert gave it his all, making you two seem rather… tame."
Typing by: Chrono2x