The Joker was seated in the Rec Room the next day, using crayons to design a plan to kill Batman. "Best thing about being a supervillain – you can still color with crayons," he murmured, scribbling a puddle of blood around Batman, and then adding consummate v daggers to his body. "I love my job," he giggled.
Harley skipped into the Rec Room, throwing her arms around his neck and cuddling him gently. "Morning, puddin'!" she said.
"Harley, I'm trying to color!" he snapped.
"Aw, everyone's feeling so arty right now!" sighed Harley. "Maybe I should take up drawing or sculpting or coloring…"
"It's a plan to kill the Bat, Harl, not a coloring book!" he snapped. "The crayons just make it more fun. And I'm a fun guy."
"You sure are, puddin'," she purred, nuzzling against him. "You left your cell so early this morning I didn't have a chance to see if you wanted a little playtime."
"I don't," he growled. "I want to be left alone to color."
Harley didn't usually take no for an answer, and she didn't this time either. She tried to cuddle against him until he grabbed her by the back of the neck and slammed her face into the desk. "Geez, Mr. J, you could just say you're not interested," she muttered through cupped hands over her bleeding nose. "At least my present's gonna get you interested in me again."
"Present? What present?" he asked.
"Oh…uh…nothing, Mr. J," she said, quickly.
"No, what present?" he asked.
"I…uh…didn't say present," invented Harley, hastily. "I said…presence. I said my presence is gonna get you interested in me again."
"But it didn't," he retorted. "So what you said doesn't really make any sense, Harley."
"Uh…yeah…but I've been talking a lotta nonsense lately on account of me hanging out with Jervis!" exclaimed Harley, as Tetch entered the room.
"Why have you been hanging out with Jervis?" asked Joker.
Harley looked at him helplessly. "I'm teaching her how to…brew a proper pot of tea," invented Tetch.
Joker snorted. "Sounds like a nerd skill. Why would you wanna learn a nerd skill, Harley?"
Harley shrugged. "Might be useful someday. Anywho, puddin', I kinda wanted to ask you a question."
He sighed. "Will I never be able to color in peace?" he muttered, shoving the paper away. "What?"
"Uh…how would you feel if…me and Ivy and Selina…uh…did a nude photoshoot for Playman magazine?" she asked.
He stared at her. "Who'd pay to see you nude?" he demanded. "Or the other two? Are guys really that desperate these days, that the Back Alley Cat and the Communal Flower Bed are considered hot eye candy?"
"I ain't really comfortable with it either, Mr. J, but Red said I was just being silly," she replied. "She says it's really feminine and empowering to expose your body."
"She would," snorted Joker. "But no, Harley, I'm not having my property displaying herself like a piece of meat. You tell Pammie no thanks."
"Tell Pammie no thanks about what?" demanded Ivy, entering the room at that moment.
"Uh…Mr. J ain't comfortable with me doing that nude spread, Red," said Harley. "So sorry, but…"
"You can't tell her what to do with her own body, you disgusting creep!" snapped Ivy at Joker.
"I can and do," retorted Joker. "What are you gonna do about it, Weed Lady?"
"Look, J, Playman's not interested unless all three of the Gotham City Sirens are involved," said Ivy. "As long as Harley's willing, what's the issue?"
"I'm…not willing…" began Harley.
"Look, Plant Lady, my Harley Quinn is no slut," interrupted Joker. "You think I want every guy on the planet getting an eyeful of my dame?! She's for my eyes only! And just because you and the Cat are willing to strip off for anything in pants doesn't mean I'm gonna let Harley do the same!"
"It's not your decision!" shouted Ivy. "It's Harley's!"
"And I don't wanna…" began Harley again.
"Yes, you do, Harley – you'll see," snapped Ivy.
"Anyway, nobody wants to see me naked," continued Joker.
"No, J, no one does," agreed Ivy.
"I do…" piped up Harley.
"I'm kinda offended they've contacted you three and not me, actually," said Joker, frowning. "That's not right."
"Why would a magazine for guys wanna see you naked?" demanded Ivy.
"Well, there's gotta be a female equivalent of these magazines, where dames wanna see naked spreads of hunks," said Joker.
"You really think you qualify as a hunk, J?" asked Ivy, skeptically.
"Of course I do!" he snapped. "I drive the dames crazy! Don't I, pooh?" he asked Harley.
"You sure do, puddin'," she purred, wrapping her arms around his neck. "But I don't wanna have a buncha dames get an eyeful of you either…"
"You can't tell me what to do with my own body!" he snapped.
"But you can forbid Harley from doing what she wants with hers?" demanded Ivy.
"Of course I can," he snapped. "That's the way we work."
"I'd really rather you didn't do a nude photoshoot, puddin'…" began Harley.
"It's a moot point, because nobody's asked him," snapped Ivy.
"Yet," finished Joker. "After I finish my plan for Bats, I'm gonna contact those women's magazines. And then we'll see who has the last laugh, Pammie."
"As long as you give Harley permission to do her nude photoshoot too," said Ivy, folding her arms across her chest.
"Absolutely not," he retorted. "I forbid it. It's demeaning for women to display themselves publicly."
"But it's not demeaning for men?" demanded Ivy.
"Exactly. Now you're getting it, Weed Lady," he said, returning his attention to the plan.
"Harley, the photographers are coming on Wednesday," said Ivy. "I hope you're not going to disappoint them. It's really not a big deal – I mean, you were naked in front of Jervis last night, after all."
Joker turned to stare at her. "What?" he demanded.
"Uh…it's the only way to brew proper tea, puddin'," she stammered. "Naked and all. English custom. Ain't that right, Jervis?" she called.
"Whatever you say, my dear," said Tetch, who hadn't been listening and was reading a book instead.
Joker snorted. "Buncha European weirdos," he muttered, focusing back on his plan. Harley breathed a sigh of relief, and then grabbed Ivy's arm and dragged her over to a corner, explaining that her nightly meetings were meant to be a secret.
Crane entered the Rec Room, coming over to sit next to Tetch. "Um…Jervis…are you and Harley going to be…regularly meeting like that every night?"
"I suspect so," sighed Tetch. "I'll try to get the portrait finished as quickly as possible – it's more an annoyance than anything else."
Crane laughed. "You and I have different definitions of an annoyance, Jervis," he replied. "I must say, I envy you."
"Why?" he asked, puzzled.
"Um…well…you get to…examine a very attractive, nude young lady every evening," said Crane, slowly.
"She's not that attractive," snorted Tetch.
Crane stared at him. "Are you blind?" he demanded.
"No, I just don't find Harley that attractive," retorted Tetch. "Nothing compared to my Alice, certainly."
Crane said nothing, but stood up and left the room. "I didn't believe the pedophile rumors were true until now," he sighed to himself. "But honestly, if he doesn't find Harley attractive, there must be something the matter with him."