On Wednesday morning, Poison Ivy knocked on the door to Harley's cell. "Harley? You awake? The cameras are gonna be here in a couple hours, and I thought we'd better start getting ready."
She was greeted with a groan. "Aw…I ain't feeling so good, Red…"
Ivy heard her coughing and pushed open the door to see Harley curled up in bed with bright red spots all over her face and body. She coughed again, staring at her with watery eyes.
"Oh my God, Harley, are you ok?!" cried Ivy, rushing over to examine her. "What is it? It looks like measles!"
"Yeah…could be measles…Red!" coughed Harley, through a dry voice. "I'm real sorry, but I don't think I'll be able to do the photoshoot today…"
"Oh, don't worry about that, baby," said Ivy, concerned. "Let's just get you to the nurse…"
"No, I just wanna…sleep, Red," she coughed, pulling the covers up. "I'll call for the nurse later. Why don't you and Selina just do the shoot and not worry about me?"
"Baby, I'm not gonna just leave you when you're like this…" began Ivy, stroking her hair back from her face and accidentally brushing her hand against one of the spots…which instantly smudged. Ivy's eyes narrowed.
"Wait a minute…this is makeup, isn't it, Harley?" she demanded. "You've painted these spots on to try to get out of doing the photoshoot, haven't you?"
"Uh…no, I ain't done that, Red," stammered Harley, trying to pull the covers up and hide her face.
"Yes, you have!" snapped Ivy, ripping the blanket off and smudging more of the spots. "That's pathetic, Harley!"
Harley sighed in annoyance. "See, I told you it wouldn't work, Mr. J!" she snapped.
"It would've, if you'd been a better actress!" snapped the Joker, crawling out from under Harley's bed holding a can of red paint. "You were supposed to make it sound contagious, so she'd stay away from you!"
"I can't believe you would make me think you've got some kinda horrible disease rather than just do this goddamn photoshoot!" said Ivy, angrily. "That's despicable!"
"No, what's despicable is pressuring a gal to take off her clothes for dirty pictures when she don't wanna!" retorted Joker.
"And what's even more despicable is forbidding her from taking off her clothes if she wants to!" snapped Ivy.
"But I don't wanna, Red!" cried Harley. "I know you think it'll be all feminine and empowering, but I think I'm just gonna feel really awkward and uncomfortable! Why can't you just leave me outta it, huh?"
"You don't wanna do it, fine!" retorted Ivy. "Stay in your pathetic, male-constructed cage! Selina and me can work just fine without you!"
She stormed from the cell, and Harley breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I'm glad she finally respected my opinion, huh, Mr. J?" she asked.
"Yeah, your opinions should always be respected, toots," he said, glancing at his watch. "Now I gotta run – my photographers are gonna be here any minute."
"Photographers?" repeated Harley, puzzled.
"For my nude photoshoot, of course," he replied.
"But…Mr. J…I thought I told you I didn't want you to do that…" stammered Harley.
"You think anyone cares what you want?" he demanded.
"But you just said my opinions should always be respected…"
"Yeah, by that pushy plant, not by me!" he interrupted. "When have I ever respected your opinions?"
"But…Mr. J…" stammered Harley, tears in her eyes. "I…I really don't like the thought of you displaying yourself for thousands of women. You're my special guy, and your nakedness is kinda special to me…however rarely I get to see it. That's one of the reasons it's so special – because it's rare and secret and ours, as a couple. I don't want a lotta other dames to intrude on that."
"Well, like the Weed Lady said – it's my body, and I'll do what I want with it," he retorted. "I'll see you later, Harl."
He strode from the cell, whistling. Harley sighed, wandering into the Rec Room.
"Harley, why are you covered in red spots?" asked Jervis Tetch, looking up from his book.
"Oh, it was a trick to get me outta the nude photoshoot," she replied, sitting down on the sofa. "And it worked."
"You sound less than thrilled," he commented.
"Well, I'm pleased about it," she said. "But now Mr. J's gone off to go do a nude photoshoot on his own, which I don't want him to do."
"Nor does the world," said Tetch, making a face. "I really don't think it's prepared for that kind of horror."
"Puddin's a real attractive guy," said Harley, defensively.
"I might remind you, my dear, that all the men in here are forced to shower together," replied Tetch. "And I still have to disagree with your statement."
"Well, you ain't a woman," she snapped. "Or a gay man, apparently, or you'd find him completely irresistible. Just like every dame and gay guy is gonna do once they get an eyeful of him naked," she sighed. "They're probably gonna transform into an army of rabid monsters who'll try to compete with me for puddin's affections. Or worse, try to get me outta the way!" she exclaimed, her eyes widening in horror. "Maybe his naked photoshoot's gonna cause such a craze, that people will be trying to kill me so they can replace me as Mr. J's lover! Well, I ain't gonna let that happen!" she cried, leaping to her feet. "I ain't gonna be assassinated by a buncha obsessive fans driven crazy by Mr. J's fantastic body! I'm gonna put a stop to that photoshoot right now!"
She raced out of the room. Tetch stared after her, sighed, and returned to his book. "Life would be so much simpler if we all just decided to keep our clothes on in public," he murmured.