"I think it's really healthy for a guy to have a hobby, Johnny," said Harley later that evening, as she posed nude in Tetch's cell. Crane had coincidentally decided to take up painting as a hobby, and had asked if he could join Tetch and Harley in her nightly modeling session, to which Harley had readily agreed, despite Tetch's protests.
"A hobby that don't involve a guy in a bat costume," Harley continued. "Cause that's actually probably pretty unhealthy, especially when you've got a real attractive girlfriend who you neglect because of it. I know you boys don't really know anything about this, but women have certain needs, and it's really important if you ever get a girlfriend to be willing to fulfill those needs pretty regularly."
"I suppose you could always…find a different boyfriend willing to do that," said Crane, slowly. He had spent a lot more time studying the model than painting, and Tetch now elbowed him in the ribs.
"I guess that would be the smart thing to do, Johnny," agreed Harley. "Unfortunately you can't really help who you fall in love with. And it'd be crazy to break up with the guy you love madly, even if he ain't the most romantic guy in the world. But this portrait of me's gonna do the trick, you'll see. And maybe Mr. J'll even get two portraits, depending on how these lessons go, huh, Johnny?" she asked, smiling at him hopefully.
Crane looked from her down to his page, where he hadn't drawn a single line. "Perhaps," he agreed. "I must say, Jervis's painting is looking rather spectacular."
"Yes, it's nearly finished," agreed Tetch. "Maybe one or two more sessions, which is bad news for your painting lessons, Jonathan."
"Don't worry, Johnny – if you wanna finish, I'd be happy to model nude for you privately," replied Harley, cheerfully.
"Oh…well…that…" stammered Crane. "Sounds…uh…delightful…"
Tetch cleared his throat suddenly. "Harley, I wonder if you might excuse us for a moment," he said. "I'd like a private word with Jonathan."
"Oh…ok," said Harley, standing up and throwing on a robe. "No problemo. I'll just be waiting outside."
She left the cell. "You know what you're doing is wrong, don't you?" he demanded when Harley had shut the door.
"I don't see how," retorted Crane. "The girl is voluntarily modeling naked for the purposes of art, and I am interested in cultivating that art…"
"You've never expressed any interest in painting before – you're only doing this because Harley is nude!" snapped Tetch. "And it's completely dishonorable to take advantage of the girl like that by convincing her to disrobe under false pretenses!"
"Are you telling me you wouldn't do the exact same thing if you were in my place and it was Alice lying naked in here?" demanded Crane.
"I most certainly would not!" snapped Tetch. "I would be an honorable man and not use deceptive methods to stare at the one I love."
"Maybe that's how you'd hope you'd act, in that fictional scenario, but in reality…" began Crane.
"And you assume because something is fictional, it's not real?" demanded Tetch. "What utter nonsense! I have never heard such rubbish in all my life! Fictional things can be perfectly real! You must be terribly small minded if you think only real things are real! Terribly small minded indeed, as well as dishonorable!"
"You really do talk nonsense sometimes, Jervis!" snapped Crane.
"Well, whatever my faults, at least I am an honorable man," retorted Tetch.
"You're a completely insane man!" retorted Crane. "Are you absolutely certain you're not a pedophile?!"
"How dare you…" began Tetch, throwing down his easel on the table between them, the table that was laden with tea things. The easel hit the teapot and knocked it over, spilling hot tea into Crane's lap. Crane roared in pain, leaping to his feet and desperately trying to brush the tea off.
"Oh my God, Jonathan, I'm so sorry!" cried Tetch, instantly apologetic. He kneeled down in front of Crane and began wiping the tea stain with his handkerchief, and that was when Harley re-entered the room.
"Everything ok in here, boys? I heard shouting…" she began, but stopped speaking when she saw Tetch kneeling in front of Crane, wiping his pants.
"Oh…sorry to interrupt…I…uh…thought you weren't gay," she stammered, confused.
"We're not!" snapped Crane. "Jervis spilled tea on my lap!"
"Accidentally," reminded Tetch.
"A good psychiatrist knows there are no accidents," growled Crane.
"Evening, boys! I heard a shout and knew somebody was having a party!" chuckled the Joker, appearing suddenly at the entrance to the cell. He saw the situation in the room and his smile fell. "Although I ain't up for those kinda parties – don't swing that way…"
"Oh, for goodness sake, it's not like that!" snapped Crane.
"Harley, what are you doing here?" asked Joker, puzzled. "Tetchy can't teach you how to make tea if he's spilled it all over Johnny."
"Oh…yeah…well…see…the thing about that is…" stammered Harley, trying to think up some excuse. Then she sighed in resignation. "C'mon, Mr. J, I'll just show you. I was saving it for our anniversary, but it's mostly done anyway."
She led him over to the easel, gesturing to the picture. "See? This is the erotic portrait of me I asked Jervis to paint for your anniversary present."
"And why the hell would you think I'd want an erotic portrait of you?" demanded Joker.
"Well…uh…I'm your girlfriend," said Harley, slowly.
"Yeah, which means I can see you naked anytime I want," he retorted. "Why would I need some constant reminder of that hanging on my wall? If I wanna see you naked, I'll just ask you to strip. If I don't, I'll just ask you to cover up. But you ain't got any choice with this. It's just hanging there naked whether you want it naked or not. It's a terrible idea, Harley."
"Oh," said Harley, her face falling. "I thought you'd really like it, Mr. J. I'd really like an erotic portrait of you..."
"You would?" he said, beaming. "Well, that solves my anniversary present conundrum!" he chuckled. "Wish granted, sweetheart! Tetchy, how about you stop painting Harley naked and start painting me?"
Tetch stared at him in horror. "N…no, I don't think…"
"Aw, c'mon, buddy!" said Joker, putting an arm around him. "I promise I won't tease you about loving children for a whole week in exchange, how about that?"
"Not even if you didn't tease me about it for the rest of your life," snapped Tetch.
"Aw, ok, Tetchy – I've tried being nice, and now I'll try being not so nice," growled Joker, his tone lowering. He picked Tetch up by the collar, slamming him against the wall. "You paint an erotic portrait for me and you'll still have both hands left to paint with, get me?!"
"Y…yes, sir," stammered Tetch.
"Oooh, can I watch, puddin'?" giggled Harley.
"You most certainly can, pooh!" he exclaimed, beginning to undress. "Happy anniversary, baby!"
"You know, I've suddenly lost the desire to learn how to paint," said Crane, hastily. "Funny how it comes and goes, but what a fleeting mistress the creative muse is. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my cell," he said, hurrying off.
"All right, Tetchy," said Joker, pulling the remainder of his clothes off and lounging on the bed. Harley stared at him, giggling in adoration. "Draw me like one of your French girls."
"I still don't know what that means," muttered Tetch. He looked at Joker, shuddered, and then reached for the paintbrush. "I just like to paint watercolors. How did I get myself into this?"
The End