The Diego Diaries: El Magnifico, Part 1 (dd3 447)
-0-At a train wreck to be ... one joor more or less later
"TIME!"
Ratchet walked to the door with his data pad.
After a second Alor appeared. He grinned. "Did you write your magnum opus, too?"
"I did. I wonder how Prowler is doing with his?"
Alor chuckled. "I shudder to think."
:PROWL! TIME!: Ratchet said as Alor listened in. As Alor did, so did Prime and Ironhide who were waiting to eavesdrop. Ratchet blocked their signal detection through himself so no one else would know. What he didn't know was Alor was tuning in Blackjack and Flint who were in separate places doing separate things but who dropped everything because this was *AWESOME* and they were ready for a break anyway.
Those guys.
A sniffy sounding voice of either privilege or abject fear answered. :WHAT!:
:Time to go. You go first: -Ratchet
:No: -Prowl
:Whiner: -Ratchet
:*LOSER!: -Prowl
:BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHA! CAN'T CUT IT!? YOU CAN'T WRITE PORN! SAY IT! SAY IT, PROWL!: -Ratchet
(grin) :Okay, Loser. I can't write porn. *ARE YOU HAPPY NOW*?!:
Alor who was doubled over stepped in because someone had to be the adult in this, the first annual Porn Off in Tower 2, floors 24 and The Penthouse inclusive. :Ratchet. You go first and let us know the level of excellence we have to reach for:
:Well, okay: Ratchet said with a big grin.
:HA! THAT'S HILARIOUS! THIS IS PORN, ALI! NOT LITERATURE!: -Prowl
:I don't know. I call my story, 'El Magnifico, or The Doctor and The Whatshisname ... Oh Yeah, *MOM VAN!*:
Alor burst into laughter. :ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THAT BABY BOY OF MINE!?:
:I am: Ratchet said with an ever helpful giant grin.
:Okay: Alor said. :Hit it:
Ratchet guffawed, Prowl plotzed, Blackjack/Ironhide/Prime-and-Flint sat down to enjoy themselves IMMENSELY!
Ratchet stood in his doorway holding his data pad in front of himself like a little fussy girl ready to read the narrative in the school play.
Like that.
"El Magnifico!" he began, "Or the Doctor and the whatshisname ... oh yeah. *MOM VAN!*
"It was a dark and stormy night in the Ark because even the natural forces of the universe celebrated the good medic with the spark of gold by bringing the rain. The Doctor in question or El Magnifico as he had come to be known among the legions whom he'd saved over the eons with immaculate skill and the odd copped feel pondered a spark destroying and perplexing problem.
In the dark.
In the ark.
He grinned just a little at that small peek into the poetry that was his soul."
Ratchet paused as the raucous laughter of his ada-in-law threatened to overpower his artistic presentation. "Ali? Let me know when you're finished," he said with a grin as he peeked around the corner of his apartment door. Ali was laughing half bent over as he stood in the middle of his own.
He looked around his doorjamb at Ratchet. "El Magnifico?" Then he continued laughing.
Ratchet snickered, then paused. :Prowl ... feel free to guffaw:
(A snooty haughty tone devoid of malice ... mostly ... the kind you hear from snobs who can talk an hour about the difference in expensive stinky cheeses but can't rotate their (own) tires ... that kind wafted over the link embracing them with icy indifference ... mostly ...) : When I hear something funny, *loser*, I'll laugh:
Alor paused in his laughter to look at Ratchet. They both stared at each other, then burst into laughter. :Keep going, Ratch. I need this:
Ratchet continued. He also continued for Prowl, Ironhide, Blackjack, Flint and Prime.
Sitting at their desks in their respective offices, two leaders of the Autobot Armed Forces, one the leader of their people through divine intervention, two of the most feared Autobots of all time rolled with laughter. They would be joined by Blackjack and Flint when Alor finally clued him in.
"There was a new calamity on the horizon that only El Magnifico could resolve. It was a scourge blowing through the universe cutting down mechs in their Prime. Him too. Only he, El Magnifico could put stop to this, the Mitosis of the Osmosis or as it was known in the brothels from here to Cukamonga, the Autobot Clap."
Ironhide who was biting down on a steel ruler to keep his guffaws under control hunched over his desk. Visions of other literary works from his old mech danced before him. This was going to be an epic because he knew at the bottom of his spark that Ratchet of Iacon had no shame.
:Ironhide:
:Prime:
:Mitosis of the Osmosis?:
:I know: They both bellowed with laughter. Both then got up and closed their doors.
In the Ops Center, Jazz glanced at Mirage, then arose to walk to Prime's door. Rapping lightly, he got no answer. Entering with concern, he saw Prime bent over in his chair. Rushing forward, he knelt.
Optimus glancing up gestured for silence. Then he cut Jazz into the feed. The dance continued.
"Whatever shall I do?" El Magnifico thought. He pondered that before a highly polished metallic wall. Admiring the unimaginable grace and beauty reflecting back at him, he instantly knew."
:Grace. Yeah, I can un-imagine that: Prowl said dryly over the link.
A pause was taken for laughter. All of the veterans and the new guy, Jazz, too.
Ratchet grinned and continued. "I will find a cure, test it, save everyone, get laid by the grateful hordes and collect another Cybertronian Nobel Prize to go along with the baker's dozen that I already have. Yes, I'm that good," he said sniffing his armpits. He smiled then leaping with eagerness across the lab conveniently placed so his flashes of brilliance that sparkled around him like fireflies had an outlet, he began. Mixing this and that compound, tossing in a dash of Tabasco to give it that extra zest, he considered the dark liquid in his servo. "Hmmm ... who's dumb enough to try this ...?"
"Why howdy there, little lady. Is there anything I can do for ya?"
A little red mom van waddled into the room and paused next to the mech of his dreams. Despite that he was clearly out of El Magnifico's league in every conceivably measurable way, he persisted anyway. "How about a frag, you white aft slagger?"
Instead of punting him through the wall, El Magnifico batted his non-existent optical lashes downward at the shrimp on the floor.
Ironhide smiled widely at the unusual attention like a coy fish opening up for a dead sardine. Usually his view was clouded by an artfully placed fist. Not this time.
"How about you having a drink with me?" the doc asked.
Ironhide blinked. He'd never gotten this far in spite of nine million vorns of trying. The idea of sharing a beverage with a mech he could only dream of was thrilling. "Why sure, little lady!"
Quelling an urge to unscrew the tiny mechanism's body parts and use his chassis for a pinata, Ratchet smiled. "Come with me."
They walked out the door, transforming to drive the requisite 150 miles per hour out of the Ark like everyone else.
Passing Prowl who stood by Ops Center, Ironhide saluted him. "TOOT! TOOT!"
In the audience ...
"TOOT TOOT!" Jazz leaned back in his chair and shared a loud guffaw with Prime and by extension, Ironhide, Flint and Blackjack.
Ratchet continued. "Prowl watched them go and considered the possibilities. Putting his slide rule back into his pocket protector, he considered the idea that someone was going to get laid. The probability, however low, was still about 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999% likely.
That it wasn't him.
Again.
Prowl with his usual haughty self regard aka bullshit walked to his office and closed the door behind him. Then he pressed a button locking down his door as well as soundproofing the walls. When three of Teletraan's satellites reported the all clear, only then did he relax. With a shocking feeling of scandal and fear of detection, Prowl pressed the forbidden button on his computer and It came up. Sitting back, feeling tingly all over, he watched his hidden vice.
"What?! You're not an athlete, you're a... well... you're an egghead," said Rainbow Dash to Twilight Sparkle.
"Radicalness," Prowl whispered as his servo slowly-
Then the phone rang.
There was a momentary pause as Alor, Blackjack, Flint, Prime, Ironhide, Jazz and Prowl searched the code words, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle for meaning.
My Little Pony.
Then the guffaws began.
In earnest.
Loudly.
Except in The Penthouse.
Ratchet paused to allow the hilarity, then grinned. :HEY PROWLER! NO OPINIONS, WHINER!?"
:Oh ... did you start reading a story? I'm sorry. I was cleaning the lint trap on the dryer:
Ratchet snorted, then laughed. Then he didn't. :YOU HAVE A PERSONAL DRYER!?:
:AND A WASHER! HA-HA, *EL MAGNIFICO!*: Prowl said in triumph. Prime nearly slid off his chair.
:IRONHIDE!:
Ironhide put down the steel ruler and tried not to make optic contact with the crew and Holi who were peering into the office through the windows at him. :WHAT!:
:YOU BETTER NOT COME HOME WITHOUT A WASHER AND DRYER OR I WILL KICK YOUR AFT! NO MORE TRIPS TO THE LAUNDRY AND DRY CLEANER! AFT HELM!: Ratchet said with feeling.
:Ah ... did the big bad mech get slagged by El Magnifico?: Jazz said with a hearty laugh.
:JAZZ!?: -Alor, amused, Ratchet, surprised, Prowl, SCANDALIZED!
:Uh ... no. Its me trying out my Jazz impersonation: Prime said as he turned to Jazz and slapped him on the helm. Jazz who was laughing hard. :See. I'll do it again: Prime gripped Jazz's arm. "Say something."
:Hi, Prowl. This isn't Jazz. It's me, Optimus. How about a frag later on?: Jazz said with a wicked grin.
Prime looking scandalized sat paralyzed for a moment, then sat back and laughed so hard he nearly lifted the roof off the office.
Prowl who was standing on the balcony contemplating how much it would hurt to jump considered the situation. Jazz wasn't linked in. How was Optimus?
The bond.
Perhaps he got wind from the bond ... Optimus was very funny and liked to tease ... he probably could do Jazz. :Optimus ... what are you doing listening in?:
Prime froze, the laughter sticking halfway up his craw. :I ... uh, that is I *felt* your humor and checked in. I am enjoying your pleasure greatly: he said lamely as he struggled not to laugh.
Prowl considered that. :Oh:
:Do you want me to be gone?: Prime asked in his sweetest little boy voice knowing full well that Prowl had never said no to it yet.
:Yes: -Prowl
Prime blinked.
Jazz laughed.
Prime sat back. /... at least he did not say no .../
"You can link off me," Jazz suggested.
Prime nodded. :Ok: He cut that link and joined the one with Jazz. He knew it wouldn't be traced because Jazz was a slick slagger who knew how to cheat. After all, Jazz in some Cybertronian dialects meant 'YOU SNEAKY LITTLE FRAGGER, YOU!' They sat back to listen.
:Prowler? You there?: Ratchet asked.
:Wait a minute: Prowl said climbing back down from the balcony railing. :Go ahead, you satanic *LOSER*!:
Ratchet howled, then did. "They drove to a strip club on the Tenderloin. Vegetarian though he was, Ratchet pressed on into the club where mechs were dancing on poles, others were getting lap dances and Kup who was half in the bag was humping the gumball machine in the corner. The little mom van, hapless doodle that he was followed, staring around with big optics at the debauchery. "This is amazing."
"I know. I am," Ratchet said preening. They took a table next to the pole dancers. Several were swishing and swirling, twisting and twirling, their metallic g-strings flashing like Christmas Surprise lights.
Which some of them were.
"See anything you like?" the doctor asked.
"Staring at the mech of his dreams, Ironhide nodded. "I do."
"Good," Ratchet said reaching out to stick a wad of shanix into the codpiece of the one called Smokeyes. That mech, the grand youngling of a bounty hunter and a gambler grinned with a knowing smirk. "So ... what do you want?" he asked kneeling, his rather shapely aft camel toeing the entire other side of the room.
"The Autobot Clap," Ratchet said. "For him." He jerked his helm in Ironhide's direction.
"No problem," the youngling said with a smokey glance at the clueless little red fragger staring at Ratchet with big simpering optics. "It's my destiny."
With that, he jerked Ironhide off his peds and dragged him into a nearby room.
Ratchet watched with grim satisfaction. "Putty in my servos, Ironhide ..."
TBC September 24, 2013 8-1-19