No Sensei

"You're never going to teach us are you?" Naruto asked, when Kakashi finally arrived two hours late for their daily meeting.

"What are you talking about?" Kakashi asked concerned.

"We've been your team for two months and got nothing to show for it, not one technique or new exercise, just some useless sparring since you never help us there either."

"I've been training you in genin procedures and group tactics," Kakashi defended himself.

Naruto didn't reply. "Shadow Clone Jutsu," he said, strangely calm for his normal hyperactive self, creating over a dozen clones around himself.

"What?" Kakashi asked preparing himself for Naruto to attack, but the dozen or so clones simply took off in different directions leaving Naruto standing there looking bored.

"What was that all about?!" Sakura demanded.

"Nothing important," Naruto replied, not even looking at her. "Let's get today's 'training' started."

"Naruto?" Kakashi asked.

"Let's go, we've wasted enough time," Naruto replied turning and heading for the Hokage's tower, leaving the rest of team seven the choice of either catching up or being left behind.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

While team seven was waiting in line for their next mission, Kakashi slipped away to have a word with the Hokage.

"What was the point of all the clones?" Sasuke asked, trying to figure out his teammate's twisted plan, because he just knew the Dobe was going to get them all in trouble.

"I had errands," Naruto replied in a tone that said that's all he was going to say on the subject.

Sakura frowned at the back of Naruto's head, unable to believe he was being so rude to Sasuke-kun.

Before his pink haired teammate could get worked up enough to assault him the Hokage's secretary called out, "Uzumaki the Hokage will see you now.

Naruto rolled his eyes, knowing he'd never made an appointment with the old man, just barged in when he knew the old man wouldn't be too busy. Obviously this was her subtle way of letting him know the old man wanted to see him and judging by Kakashi's absence he was the reason.

"Naruto are you having trouble with your sensei?" Sarutobi asked not wasting time beating around the bush.

"Before I answer that question, write me out everything you'd teach your genin team in the space of two months and what the training schedule would be like. Just base it off what you know of the three of us with crucial, not-to-be-forgotten skills with an asterisk next to them."

"Naruto each sensei has a unique style of teaching."

"Humor me old man. It ain't like I ask for much."

"Very well," the Hokage agreed and took out a small scroll, quickly filling it with a wealth of skills and schedules tailored from memory for team seven.

"Can I see?" Naruto asked when Sarutobi had finished.

"Here."

Naruto accepted the scroll and looked through it.

"Kakashi covered two of the skills you listed so we could capture Tora, but Iruka taught us those in the academy so really it was just refreshing our memory."

"So what has he been teaching you than?" the Hokage asked confused.

Naruto shrugged. "Nothing that I've noticed and the only part of your schedule that matches his, is to pick up and complete a mission."

"I see," the Hokage said quietly pulling out his pipe and lighting it, deep in thought.

Naruto waited patiently when he heard a tapping at the window and saw one of his clones waving at him. Opening the window he let him in. "What's up?"

"I was backup for the clone sneaking into the ANBU training grounds. He got nailed so I met with the other backups," the clone said handing Naruto a notebook. "Here is a list of the best places to watch others training and where clones didn't make it in or people were hostile towards them."

"This is great!" Naruto said with a grin.

"Thanks, mind if I go screw around rather than dispersing?"

"Sure, have fun," Naruto said waving him off.

"Thanks!" the clone said before vanishing out the window.

Naruto sat down and began looking through the notebook.

"You do know you get the memories of your clones when they disperse, right?" the Hokage asked.

"Really?"

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naruto's clone smiled as happy to get a day off as Naruto would be.

"Naruto!" Ino called out waving him over.

"Hey, Ino," Naruto replied finding Ino with her team. "What do you need?"

"Tell me how far forehead has gotten with Sasuke?" she demanded.

"What's in it for me?"

"You get to live!" Ino said annoyed at Naruto getting between her and her duty as a Sasuke fangirl.

Naruto whipped out a kunai and handed it to her hilt first, since he was a clone and would much rather be popped than deal with a fangirl.

Ino paled. "I wasn't serious!"

Shikamaru and Chouji got a little concerned over Naruto's uncharacteristic behavior.

"Suit yourself," he replied putting away the kunai and starting to walk off completely unaffected.

"Wait!"

"What?" Naruto demanded getting annoyed.

"I still want to know," Ino said stubbornly.

"And I still have no reason to tell you and would rather take a kunai in the throat than do it for free."

"What do you want?" Ino asked.

"Ramen," Naruto replied.

"Ramen?" Ino asked reflexively. "Oh, you're trying to trick a date out of me. Sorry, but I like Sasuke."

"Don't care. I want Ramen, not a date," he said rolling his eyes.

"And you can't buy your own?" Ino demanded annoyed when she realized he didn't want to date her.

"Don't have any money on me."

Ino patted him down and pulled out Gama-chan his toad wallet before he could blink. "Ha!"

"Throw one of the coins on the ground," Naruto ordered.

Frowning Ino did so and blinked in surprise as it turned to smoke. "What the?"

"Why do you have an illusionary wallet on you?" Shikamaru asked.

"Everything I have on is illusionary," Naruto replied.

Ino grabbed the back of his jacket and tried to cut it with a kunai making it vanish into smoke.

Naruto frowned annoyed at the loss of his jacket and crossed his arms. "Are you done yet or do you plan on stripping me completely naked?"

"Eep!" Ino jumped back blushing.

Naruto turned to walk off when Ino yelled, "Wait!" again.

"What?" Naruto demanded more than a little pissed at having to deal with her.

"I still want to know!"

"I've told you my price. Meet it or beat it."

Seeing no give in him she sighed. "Fine."

"Follow," he ordered. "I'm not saying anything till I have my Ramen."

Ino was forced to rush to catch up and was left panting by the time they reached Ichiraku's Ramen, annoyed that Naruto wasn't even out of breath.

Naruto took a stool and waved Ayame over, "Two miso ramen please and she's paying for it."

Ayame smoothly slid two bowls in front of Naruto.

"OK, ask your questions," Naruto said. "You've got until I finish eating."

"How far has Sakura gotten with Sasuke?"

"He tolerates her and not much more than that and only during missions or training."

"Really?" Ino said hopefully.

"You buy the ramen you get honest answers," Naruto said.

Ayame came over when she heard that. "Which is why Hokage-sama and Iruka buy you ramen before talking to you."

"The Hokage bought you ramen?" Ino asked in disbelief.

"Me and the old man have lunch together most Sundays, unless he can't get away from the office," Naruto replied.

"Why would he spend time with you?"

"Him and Iruka are the closest thing to family I got," Naruto replied. "Now weren't you going to ask about Sasuke?"

Teuchi came to the front. "Naruto, I see you brought a girlfriend."

"Ain't my girlfriend," Naruto said flatly.

"Fine, your friend," he corrected himself.

"Not that either. She's buying me ramen so she can question me."

"Well you could do a lot worse-" Teuchi began.

Naruto interrupted him. "No, I really couldn't do much worse than date her. She's a Sasuke fangirl who has belittled and insulted me for years, and when she wasn't putting me down she was either assaulting or ignoring me. She's shallow, vain and mean-spirited. If she wasn't paying for ramen I wouldn't bother talking to her."

Ino flinched and shrunk down in her seat as Naruto described her.

"Come on, don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" Shikamaru asked.

"You mean like when she said I was probably an orphan because my parents chose death over raising a loser like me?" Naruto replied recalling a memorable insult he'd heard and been unable to forget.

Ino winced. "You weren't supposed to hear that and I was just trying to top Sakura!"

"You are not welcome here," Teuchi said coldly.

"Let her finish her questions first," Naruto said. "Any other questions about Sasuke?"

Ino straightened up a little as Teuchi returned to the kitchen. "Why doesn't Sasuke want to go out with me?"

"Because you're a shallow simpering fangirl. You claim you love him, but you don't even know him and don't give me any crap about how you do, because you don't. All you know about him is a bunch of surface junk because that's all he ever let any of you see."

"Why do you hate him and call him a bastard?"

"We both grew up orphans, but while he was given everything he wanted and loved by everyone, I was kicked out of the orphanage at five and hated. No I'm not hated because I pull pranks, I pull pranks because I'm hated and no you can't ask why," Naruto said before she could say anything. "You all go on about how Sasuke has such a hard life, but you don't know the first thing about it. He was given everything I was denied and he spits on it, choosing to be alone, that's why I call him a bastard."

"Wow you're a chatty bastard," a second Naruto said as he came in. "I guess I shouldn't have made you while I was pissed."

"I'm not turning emo am I?" the clone at the counter asked in shock.

"A bit, I mean you just ate two bowls of ramen and you're in a bad mood. Go track down Konohamaru and teach him things his elite tutor would disapprove of," Naruto said. "If that doesn't cheer you up…"

"Write messages on my butt that are offensive to the Hyuuga and walk past the compound pointing out to anyone that gets pissed that they had to be peeking at my ass through my clothes to have read them?"

"Brilliant idea Naruto, see to it," Naruto ordered.

"Aye, aye sir," the clone replied saluting and vanishing out the door.

Naruto slid into the empty stool and waved down Ayame, "Two bowls of beef please."

"How are there two of you?" she asked.

"Cool jutsu," Naruto replied.

"Your jounin taught you, Konoha's foremost prankster, a jutsu that allows you to be in two places at once?" Ayame asked doubtfully.

"Nah, I learned this during a classified mission, my sensei hasn't bothered to teach me anything. All he does is show up hours late and read porn while we complete missions or spar."

"Surely he's not that bad!"Ayame said.

"He is, and don't call me Shirley," Naruto teased, getting a laugh out of her.

"Naruto there you are! I've been looking everywhere for you," Kakashi said as he entered the stand with the other two genin of team seven.

"I finished my meeting with the old man," Naruto replied. "And he dismissed me to have some ramen and relax."

"Stop making up stories and wasting Sasuke's time!" Sakura yelled, already angry from his attitude earlier.

Naruto pulled a piece of parchment from his pouch. "Signed order from the Hokage."

Sakura grabbed it and tore it up. "We don't have time for your pranks!"

An ANBU wearing a cat mask appeared in a swirl of leaves.

"Did you know it's an automatic sentence of two weeks for destroying or attempting to destroy any set of orders stamped with the Hokage's personal seal?" Naruto asked conversationally.

"Kakashi, the Hokage would like to have a word with you," Neko said before vanishing with Sakura.

"I'll be right back," Kakashi promised before vanishing as well.

Ayame sighed and got out a broom. "Can't you guys appear and vanish without scattering leaves everywhere?"

"I've seen a few kunoichi use sakura petals," Naruto offered.

"Does this mean I'm free?" Sasuke asked hopefully.

"Yes, shoo," Naruto replied, feeling rather smug with the number of henged clones he had spying on teams that were actually training.

Typing by: The Last boyscout errr The Last Primarch!

AN: Clichés can be fun!