Apolutrosis
by Sammie
See part 1 for all notes. Nearly every scene is controversial. You are forewarned. And no, I'm not about to get into a battle about it on the comments page. You can PM me.
Yeah, the more I watch the last couple episodes of "SHIELD," the more obvious it is to me that I'm not Marvel's target audience. Coulson, about May: you better stay still while I shoot the high horse you're sitting on, or I will succeed where Loki didn't and no trips to TAHITI will be enough to fix you. Now, instead of continuing what would be a very long-winded rant about your protégé, I'm just going to say I liked Simmons' TARDIS comment and those brilliant, prescient nuns who wanted to name Skye "Mary Sue."
Ward's cell slowly accumulates furniture. Soon a small desk and chair join the cot and the toliet, but the desk is soon replaced by a large conference table.
The only people allowed in Ward's cell are May and Coulson, and it soon becomes evident why: Ward is now consulting for SHIELD. It's an odd reversal of his position in relation to Skye's: she's now at a higher clearance level than he is (no clearance counts as a level) and he's the consultant.
It's evident that he's slowly winning their trust back, slow being the key word. Oddly, it's Coulson who begins to trust him first - perhaps not oddly, since the man has always been about second chances. Ward and May slip into a professional relationship, one of collegial respect that actually brings more openness and cooperation than had their previous relationship. (And please, everybody on the bus knew.)
Skye laughs when she finds out that SHIELD has put two leather recliners in Ward's cell. "You ordered these, didn't you," she says to Coulson. "It's such a 'man' move!"
Jemma and Fitz are watching the exchange with big grins of amusement. For a moment it's as if nothing has changed, as if the clock rotated back a year to when they were first a team.
"How is that a 'man' move?" Coulson exclaims, a little insulted.
"You're making Ward's cell into a man cave! Now all he needs is a flat-screen and a game console! What, you going to sneak down here and play video games in the middle of the night?"
"No," May disagrees in a serious tone, "he won't." She doesn't even look up from the file she's perusing.
"Why? Coulson above such juvenile tricks?"
"No, because Ward isn't allowed electronics in his cell," May replies in a deadpan tone, not missing a beat.
Skye smirks at Coulson, mouthing "Booyah" as the older agent gives May a hurt look she ignores.
SHIELD removes the recliners, eventually, and he gets an overstuffed leather couch instead. It's not new, but it's been well-kept, and it warms up the room.
Fitz hasn't seen it. He believes it's a waste of time and money.
The rest of SHIELD is not that accepting of Ward's return. Victoria Hand, namely, but that's understandable, considering Ward shot her and left her for dead. But the specialist-turned enemy-turned voluntary prisoner takes it all in quiet stride. He has earned their ire, and he knows it. He is paying for his sins, and he expects to pay quite a bit, so he does it with quiet forbearance. He's not doing all this because he wants their approval; he's doing it because it's the right thing to do. Others' opinion are irrelevant in that sense.
When they bring him on board the main SHIELD headquarters, now one of the helicarriers, he's marched through the hallways in chains. Some spit on him. His guards are as much there to protect him as they are to protect SHIELD from him. He keeps his eyes straight ahead and walks stoically through the hallways until they reach the central control room.
SHIELD is hitting a major HYDRA hub, and they need Ward's help getting in.
Skye and Fitz accompany May and Coulson; their skills will be needed. Hers are not, so she stays alone on the bus. Triplett comes by to stay with her.
An hour and a half later, a SHIELD agent appears in the doorway of the cargo bay. "Agent May has requested your presence, Dr. Simmons."
"Wait, why?" Triplett asks suspiciously.
"No, it's quite all right," she says, slowly shifting her weight so she can stand up gracefully. She quickly strips off her gloves and washes her hands, but in her haste, she forgets to take off her lab coat and the big neon green goggles sitting on top of her head.
They hurry to the control room of the helicarrier, where May meets her at the doorway. She gives her a gentle smile, and Jemma can't figure out why May looks so...unworried. "Is everything all right?" she asks.
"Oh, everything's fine," May replies. "Do you need to use the bathroom?"
Jemma blushes, even though she knows it's a regular part of being pregnant. "No, not right now."
"OK." May escorts her in, then points at a comfortable desk chair in the corner, with a laptop and small rolling desk pulled up to it. "You can use that one."
Jemma is thoroughly confused. "For what?"
"I know you're working on the HYDRA implant system. I had your notes uploaded. You can keep working on it over there."
Jemma is staring at the older woman, completely baffled, but does as she's told.
In the hustle and bustle of the war room, she makes herself as inconspicuous as possible. Fitz and Skye give her occasional grins and wave at her, even if they are as confused as she is. She catches Ward's eye occasionally, and at one point he just smiles to himself in amusement, and she's so thoroughly confused until he unobstruviely reaches up with his handcuffed hands, one touching his hair briefly. She follows his motion with her own hands to find her big green goggles still on her head, and she quickly takes them off with an embarrassed blush. When she looks at him again, he's not looking at her, back focused on the task at hand, but there's a trace smile on his lips.
Over the course of the seven-hour battle, she gets up five times to use the restroom. She doesn't notice it, but Hand does: Ward unconsciously following her with his eyes as the little scientist heaves her body up from the chair and, her head bowed slightly, the curls in her hair hiding much of her face as she quietly scoots out of the room; Ward's eyes trailing her as she reenters and hurries to her desk, much in the same way she left.
Over the next week, Simmons will be too busy treating the wounded to know of the private meeting in an conference room off of the war-room. When they bring the wounded on-board, both SHIELD and HYDRA, she helps to coordinate the mass medical treatment efforts. Her efforts to help their enemy combatants is more welcome on a SHIELD helicarrier than on a HYDRA one, and despite some grumblings, everybody who can be saved is. Her back aches something terrible, but she works through it.
{ }
Garrett is captured in the raid and brought on board the helicarrier. Hand - well, heck, all SHIELD - has still not forgiven him for having Ward shoot her or for the crimes he's committed.
He lopes onto the helicarrier, that laidback look even while in chains. Coulson gives very specific directions that while Fitz may come and go as he pleases, he doesn't want Garrett to see Jemma anywhere. They already know Fitz has lost his legs; Coulson will not allow her pregnancy to be more ammunition for HYDRA to use. Indeed, in order to level the playing field as much as possible, the level 8 agent recuses himself - and then sends in the Cavalry to conduct Garrett's interrogation.
While Garrett does talk about Fitz and what was done to him - and he even speaks to the camera, as though Fitz were there watching - he's mostly irritated about the fact that Ward has abandoned him, and the HYDRA senior agent is sure why.
"So where's that pretty little scientist he was banging? I never thought he'd give me up, especially when he left that gorgeous hacker behind, but clearly that little piece of tail he was getting on the plane at HYDRA was way better in bed than I thought."
May punches Garrett in the face. Repeatedly. Jemma is grateful nobody else heard what Garrett revealed.
{ }
Simmons won't know that, in the days after, Hand will suggest May and Coulson give her to Ward to ensure his loyalty. The two older agents are in shock, even if they don't show it. Even Blake is horrified, and he argues, quite truthfully, that FitzSimmons are more valuable to SHIELD as scientists then as prostitutes - and he uses that term. The arguments fall on deaf ears.
Hand says, correctly, that right now there's no SHIELD for the scientsts to work for anyhow, and they have to take care of HYDRA first simply to survive, and if sacrificing a biochemist to ensure the loyalty of a major asset is necessary, it's necessary. After all, she argues, Jemma Simmons swore an oath of loyalty to SHIELD and will do what she is ordered to do.
And, Hand points out, it's clearly obvious that Simmons had been sleeping with HYDRA in order to keep herself and Fitz alive, and so what the h-ll was the difference between why she did that there and what she'd do here - keep SHIELD alive?
It's May who cuts it short. She simply looks straight at Hand, and says calmly and clearly as a bell, "No."
"No?" Hand's voice is sharp.
"No," May replies in that same tone.
"I outrank you, Agent May."
"Then I quit," May replies with that same ease, and it's no small threat when the Cavalry quits. "I don't work for people who use comfort women." The Asian agent hands her SHIELD badge to Coulson. "I'm going to go check on Jemma."
She lopes out with an ease of somebody going to get a candy bar from a vending machine.
Blake is shaking his head. "What Dr. Simmons did to keep herself alive - that's her issue," he argues. "But it doesn't mean we get to institutionalize it!"
"I saw May bring Simmons into the war room, and don't you tell me it wasn't for Grant Ward's benefit," Hand snaps at Coulson. "You tell me how what I'm doing differs from what she did!"
"May asked her to sit in a chair and work on her research!" Blake exclaimed. "She didn't ask her to sleep with him!"
"Says the person that eager to throw her off a plane when she was infected with a virus," Hand snaps, and Blake falls silent.
"May brought her here so Ward would know she was close by in case things went south," Coulson barked. "She did it Ward's peace of mind regarding Simmons' safety. You're willing to destroy Simmons so Ward can indulge his base instincts."
"For the greater good," Hand snaps.
"Greater good?" Coulson snorts. "Is the greater good a society in which higher-ups pimp out people they deem less important in order to keep the loyalty of those they deem more important? So who decides who is important, Hand? You? Me? HYDRA? Al Qaeda? The United States?"
He heaves a sigh, running his fingers his fingers over May's SHIELD badge. He shakes his head. "You don't understand, Victoria."
"What's there to understand? He wants her. He gets her, he'll stay loyal to us."
"No, you really don't understand, Victoria." His smile is small but steady, one of a man who has made his decision and is at peace with it. "Ward's not dumb. He was Level 7 before everything went to pot. Do you realize how far you're going to drive him away if he realizes that you've pimped out one of your faithful SHIELD agents to try to keep his loyalty? He nearly died to save Simmons, then risked more execution to bring her and Fitz back. You do this - you violate the basic bounds of basic humanity - you're going to send him straight back into the arms of HYDRA, and I'm not sure he'd be wrong to go this time."
Coulson shakes his head. "You give Simmons to Ward, he's not going to touch her - and it's got nothing to do with her pregnancy. He's not going to touch her, not until he wins her trust back. He's not going to slake his thirst on her if it costs her a drop. Welcome to the new Grant Ward. He's now a better man than a lot of us."
He taps May's badge against the palm of his other hand, as if thinking, his voice softer, more contemplative now. "You don't understand, do you, Victoria," he said. "You have no idea what we got when Jemma Simmons signed up for SHIELD. And to be fair, neither did I, until now."
{ }
When May and Coulson return, Simmons is back on the bus, in the lab with Fitz and Skye and Triplett, those ridiculous green goggles back on her head. The four of them are laughing, and Jemma sees May smile slightly as she looks over at Coulson, who is watching them with his own small smile.
"Ward's back in his cell," Triplett informs them.
"Is everything OK?" Skye asks when they see the two of them standing there. "Because those smiles?" she gestures at them. "Totally creeping me out."
"We're just...happy," May said.
"Agent May is happy. Note the time and place," Skye jokes, and Triplett chuckles.
"But it has been a good day," Fitz points out. "We took down the HYDRA hub and burned that head."
"And Simmons only went to the bathroom five times in seven hours," Skye kids as Jemma makes a face. "Oh, wait, Jem, I'm sorry," she quickly apologizes as Jemma tries to get up from her chair. "I didn't mean - where are you going?"
"Loo," Jemma sighs resignedly, shrugging at Skye to show she's not offended. The biochemist then accepts Triplett's hand in helping her get up.
When she exits the upstairs bathroom, she's startled to see May and Coulson sitting at the bar, waiting for her. May gets up from her seat and pushes over a coaster, then sets a glass on it and pours in a club soda with some lime, a clear invitation. Puzzled, she climbs into the chair.
May gives her an encouraging smile, then disappears into the cockpit. Jemma is thoroughly confused - this whole week has been puzzling to her - as she turns to Coulson. "Sir, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, actually." Coulson looks at her for a long time, as if studying her, and Jemma shifts uncomfortably. He turns so he's facing her, and she turns her stool likewise to face him. "You know, May always told me this, but I didn't believe her."
"Told you what, sir?"
He doesn't answer her immediately, and when he speaks, he doesn't answer her question. "You argued for mercy for the supersoldiers. You argued for saving others' lives with GH325 over and above my need for secrecy. This week, you treated those enemy soldiers with compassion - not with trust, because they didn't earn that - but with mercy."
He took a deep breath. "Somewhere, in our war with HYDRA, we've lost ourselves. Will most likely be that way for a while. You're a lone voice in the wilderness. You remind us - me - of what I'm supposed to do, what I ought to do, not simply what I can do. I understand now why he gravitates towards you." He smiles engimatically at her. "Enjoy your drink," he says as he pats the table, then gets up and leaves.
Jemma stares after him, completely baffled. She sniffs her drink suspiciously.
It's astonishing to her that it's Fitz who comes with more news of Grant.
He sits her down quietly in their lab, after a long day. He looks conflicted, and he quietly takes her hands. She asks if everything is OK, and Fitz looks like he doesn't want to say.
He licks his lips, takes a deep breath, and then tells her that Grant requested to see him. The ex-specialist wants Fitz to contact SHIELD headquarters to arrange to have his implants removed - the technological one tied to his nervous system, which he used to counteract the logic bomb - and the cyanide one in his mouth.
Jemma gasps. She has been helping SHIELD study the HYDRA implants, with Grant's cooperation, and she knows how difficult the technological one is to remove; it's quite delicate, with the potential for paralysis if done improperly. No less problematic is the cyanide implant: the latter is more dangerous, more likely to be set off and to kill him in the process of removal. There is a 70% chance Ward will die on the operating table, and that has nothing to do with risks of surgery.
"He - I asked him why he didn't come to you," Fitz said quietly. "He said he'd damaged you enough already."
Tears spring to her eyes.
"You know, Jemma, he might not survive this. He most likely won't, if all the failsafes we've been looking at are for real. We've never done this type of surgery before." Fitz's voice is soft.
There's a long silence.
"He went to you instead," Jemma said suddenly. "So why are you telling me all this? Did he tell you to tell me?"
"No. He didn't want you to know, until all the details were set and in place." Fitz coughed. "I told him I was telling you anyhow, and if he wanted my help he'd have to put up with it."
There's a long silence, and Jemma can't help the small smile that tugs at the corners of her mouth. "You swore at him, didn't you."
Fitz looks uncomfortable, and then sighs and admits, "He knows a lot more Scottish swear words than I thought." That makes her smile, and he does too.
After a long moment of silence, he says, "I'm not going to tell you what to do. And I'm not even sure I want him alive after his surgery." When she gives him a look, he holds up a hand. "He betrayed us, Jemma," he reminds her, and Jemma falls silent.
"I would have never thought you were his type," he says, quietly. "Skye, perhaps, I thought was his type, what he'd go for. But this - this is - he's different. I believe I misjudged. When he talks about you - " He takes a deep breath, but doesn't finish. He simply squeezes her hand and walks away, his new prosthetics thudding quietly on the floor.
The surgery takes hours, and Grant's already under and unconscious when she and Fitz are scrubbed in as observers. Occasionally she looks up to the observation window and sees Skye and May and Coulson standing the window.
At one point he begins to flatline, and the doctors are shouting as they immediately snip one of the wires. The premature cut stabilizes him but adds another hour to the surgery as they have to fish out the remnants. She sits by his head, whispering into his ear, her gloved hands carefully brushing back his sweat-soaked hair. She knows he'd want an account of what's happening to him, so she describes it as she goes, even if he is unconscious.
One of the implants activates the moment they try to remove it. Fitz and Skye scramble to block the signal, and it buys them enough time to remove it. It turns out it releases a chemical in to the blood, and SHIELD hauls it away for testing.
He will lose sight entirely in one eye, and they have to pull out three teeth to get at the dental implant without setting off the trigger, but he's alive when he leaves the surgery theater.
She is the last one to go to see him when he finally wakes up in the recovery room, which is a jailed cell. Nobody is allowed in, although this time it's not because he's dangerous but because SHIELD wants to make sure HYDRA doesn't set off something in his body they don't know about. He looks at her with his good eye, and he holds the phone on his side of the wall to his ear; she picks up the corresponding phone on her end. They say nothing to each other; he just looks at her, a trace smile on his face.
His child moves inside of her, and she instinctively rubs her hand over her belly, and she sees his eyes follow her hand.
Neither notice Skye at the doorway, turning to go.
She gives birth without him.
Fitz is there with her, and she is never more grateful for her best friend, and when the baby is born, squalling unhappily, it's Fitz who laughs and grins. The nurses believe he's the father, and she's too exhausted and conflicted to say otherwise.
She doesn't see her daughter for four days, because she's putting her up for adoption anyhow. But when Fitz brings her the completed adoption forms, she can't sign them. Nobody would blame her, she knows; they'd applaud her, she knows; but she's too exhausted to make this decision right now. And it's solely her decision to make - SHIELD wouldn't recognize Grant Ward's parental rights even if they knew he was the father.
On the fifth day, she asks to see the child, and the nurses exchange looks but wheel her towards the nursery anyhow. "Baby Simmons" is what the sign says.
She's so tiny. So helpless. Given how much weight Jemma gained during the pregnancy, it's amazing she's so small. She reaches into the crib and runs a finger over the tiny fist, and it moves a little, shifting towards her finger before opening and gripping it tight. Jemma feels her heart come to a stop.
This is what she swore to defend when she joined SHIELD. It's been an abstraction until now.
She takes a marker and, in the name slot, writes "Laura."
{ }
Three days later, she's nursing the baby when Fitz comes in. He confirms that he's shredded the adoption papers, per her request, and then he hands her the birth certificate. She notes with some surprise that Grant's name is listed under 'father'.
Fitz then hands her what is clearly a surveillance photo, and it's from Grant's cell. He doesn't seem to know he's being photographed. He's sitting in the corner, looking at a picture, and she realizes it's a photo of Laura just hours after her birth.
Grant is smiling, the first real smile she's seen from him in the last year.
"He paced that cell the entire time you were in labor," Fitz comments. "I believe it killed him not to be here." He pauses, then snarks, "I believe it just about killed his guards for him not to be here." The grin on Fitz's face is a mile wide, and he holds up a big camera. Jemma nods, then carefully adjusts Laura in her arms, and mother and daughter smile up at the engineer as the shutter clicks.
{ }
When she and Laura are deemed finally well enough to be taken back to the bus, May first calls down to dismiss his guards. The older woman then accompanies her down to Ward's cell. He's lying on his bunk, looking at a small photo he holds in his hand, and he looks up the minute he hears steps on the staircase. When he sees them, he jumps up, grinning a mile wide, rushes to the phone as she picks up its partner on the outside of the cell. She adjusts Laura so he can see her, and both parents can't help beaming.
There's a click and a whoosh, and the smiles disappear instantly as they look around tensely. Ward notices first that the door to his cell is open, but he makes no move towards it. He looks back in cautious surprise at May, but the SHIELD agent isn't looking at him. The older agent smiles at Simmons, holding out an arm, "presenting" the open doorway to her.
It clicks for them both at the same time, and she quickly hangs up the phone and comes around to the open doorway. She pauses in the doorway - she's never been in his cell.
He stands across the room from her, waiting quietly, almost as if afraid she won't come in. She steps inside and seats herself on the couch, and he comes over tentatively towards her before sitting down next to her.
His hands are shaking as he raises them towards her and their daughter, and he tries to steady them but can't. His fingers visibly quiver as they come near, and he gently brushes them against his daughter's forehead. He breathes in, and it catches in his throat.
"I named her Laura," she offers, filling the silence, and he simply nods in understanding. His left hand hovers over his daughter's head, as if afraid to touch her again.
His right hand comes up towards Jemma's face, trembling. He hasn't touched her consciously since they returned to SHIELD nearly eight months ago. Each time he's been out of his cell he's been in shackles, with her kept at a distance; each time she's close enough to touch him, he's been unconscious. He says nothing now, but his breathing is uneven and shaky, and his hand shakes against her face as he cups her cheek, running the calloused pad of his thumb against her cheek. His eyes are glassy with tears, but he is smiling.
It's amazing to her the type of father he is.
He's still Grant Ward: lethal, overly serious, not apt to enjoy a joke except in rare moments. He also looks sad now, that undertone of sorrow behind everything he does. It was never there before he betrayed them, despite his past; the earliest she remembers seeing it is when he came to see her and Fitz once they had been taken by HYDRA.
But after Laura is born - there's another element. A gentleness she would see rare flashes of before he betrayed them. A tenderness.
Laura is a colicky baby at first, and Jemma's sleepless nights, filled with crying infant, are made easier when they're spent in his cell. Grant can't calm Laura down any more than she can, but it turns out he has more patience than she does, and he rocks their daughter in his arms all night, every night, for days and weeks.
He doesn't pull silly faces or do baby talk, but he can walk the length of his cell for hours on end, his newborn daughter cradled in his large hands. When she gets a little bigger, he has her tucked gently in the crook of his arm, safely nestled against his chest.
She has brief flashes of fear that he will do something horrible to Laura, that all this is some terrible trick and he'll either escape with Laura back to HYDRA or something. Kara simply squeezes her hand comfortingly. Jemma loves that her therapist gives her the time to work through these things.
Laura gives Grant new purpose, Jemma believes. He doesn't seem to carry a death wish as much any more.
{ }
It seems, though, that in the wake of Laura's birth, her own tentative relationship with Grant deteriorates. In her hurt, she wonders if he only ever just wanted a child and used her to get one.
They get into a shouting match two days before she is to leave to speak at a conference - a knock-down, drag-out argument that finally reveals to her, no doubt inadvertently on his part, how deep his remorse goes and how hopeless he sees his future. She is exhausted from her regular work with SHIELD and preparing for the conference during the day, and then Laura's constant crying at night. When she arrives at Grant's cell that night, she is dragging her feet, not looking forward to another exhausting night, even with him to help her.
It's free of crying when she arrives, which surprises her, and she arrives in the stairwell to see Grant wandering his cell, singing ever so softly. Laura's hands reach up for her father, grabbing at his lips and chin; she is blissfully silent except for the occasional gurgle.
Jemma approaches and is greeted with a smile both of triumph and delight. "I didn't hear crying," she says hopefully, and Grant's smile widens as he slides their daughter into her arms. He's figured it out - she likes Handel's oratorio "Solomon," especially the Nightingale Chorus and the sinfonia which begins Act 3.
Jemma stares at him, open-mouthed, brow furrowed. He just grins at her, raising his eyebrows with a look of delight at her surprise.
Laura fusses in her arms, and he holds up a finger for Jemma to be quiet; he then begins to hum "The Arrival of the Queen of Sheba." Laura quiets down. Laura's mother stares, wide-eyed.
It's not foolproof, comes the caution. It's not foolproof by any means.
Jemma will take what she can get. She laughs, then impulsively reaches up and kisses Grant on the cheek.
It's the wrong thing to do.
The mood is instantly killed, and he pulls away, his smile gone and his delighted expression now blank. Stung, she drops her eyes to the ground.
He doesn't want kisses of obligation, he says in a voice so cold it would freeze fire. He doesn't want kisses of charity. He doesn't need her to feel indebted to him or to pity him or to sympathize with him. The volume of his voice rises with each comment.
"It wasn't offered out of pity or gratitude," she replies, deeply hurt.
He doesn't believe her, and now that the ball is rolling, it's rolling. He uses the word terrorist to describe himself in nearly every other sentence, and shouts at her that he doesn't want her coming to his cell any more, and to take Laura with her, and she should just go and marry Fitz or Triplett or whoever the $%^ she was planning to, anyhow, because they'd all be a d-mn good sight better fathers than he is.
When this war is over, he spits at her, he's going straight to jail, and he wants her stationed on the other side of the world, and he doesn't want her to mention him to Laura ever again. In her arms, Laura is crying again.
"What about what I want?" she shouts angrily. "Did you even consider what I want?"
She stomps off, barely registering the stricken look on his face.
{ }
This trip is supposed to be a break. Fitz and Simmons are speaking, and Skye declares herself Laura's "awesome babysitter" during the daytime (though she refuses to tell Jemma what her plans are for their "outings," which scares Jemma to no end); at night, the three of them intend to sightsee. May and Coulson are going on SHIELD business - same city, different purpose. There's nothing for Ward to do, so he's staying on the helicarrier, with Triplett as a guard and escort; Hand said there's something she wants those specialists working on, something related to Garrett.
Jemma intended to come back from the conference and sit down and work out things with Grant in a less emotional, more logical setting. She even had an agenda for discussion written out. (Her planning makes Kara chuckle.) It would be a couple days, at tops, Jemma had estimated. Enough for him to cool down, enough for her to think through things, and enough to have a rational discussion. It's just a couple of days.
It turns out to be four months.
She is the keynote speaker at the closing session. (Fitz opened the conference.) He and Skye are sitting right below the dais, Laura in the baby carrier between them. May and Coulson are back at the bus, prepping it to return home, but promise to be there when she begins speaking. They make it just in time to see the speaker's podium blow up.
It is Fitz who hears the first click and realizes what it is, standing up and shouting, "Jemma!" Skye instantly throws herself over Laura's baby carrier, and Fitz over top of her, even as the stage explodes and erupts in flames. That's all Jemma remembers; the next thing she knows she wakes up in a hospital bed.
May and Coulson shuffle them off to hiding right away, in Providence, while they try to figure out what was happening. Eric Koenig is shocked to see they have a baby with them, and overly nervous around her. But Laura takes quickly to his cheerful attitude, and the months which pass go quickly, especially since the Handel trick works to get them through the last weeks Laura is colicky. She and Fitz and Skye start some new projects in Koenig's small lab, and Laura learns to roll over. She's going to become so spoiled, Jemma thinks fondly, with four adults clapping and cheering whenever she does something - well, make that more than four, because Skye has been using secure channels to send May and Coulson updates (including Laura rolling over) and to send SHIELD headquarters basic reports, which are to be passed on to Ward and to Triplett so they don't worry.
Skye teases her about Trip, whose interest in her is becoming more and more noticeable in the last couple months. Fitz joins in, but Jemma knows he's more amused by the fact that she's managed to attract two specialists at once, when before nobody really noticed them, the "Geeky Science Twins."
But, she discovers much to her chagrin, it's not Trip she's missing.
She wonders if it's the recurrence of Stockholm Syndrome. She knows what Grant is - was. She knows what he's done. She doesn't know why her stray thoughts always go to him, and why her heart breaks for him when she finally realizes how it is he currently sees his future. Even when she actively tries to divert her focus, it strays to Grant.
She wonders if she's #$%^ insane.
{ }
The flight home is uneventful, and the only oddity is that Blake requests to see May and Coulson before the others are allowed off the plane. Still, it's not an overly odd request, and the three of them cheerfully putter about, doing laundry (the machine was broken when they first left for the conference, and they fixed it on the flight home, because May and Coulson didn't know how), chattering, making a list of "real food" they want in the refrigerator, if it will pass SHIELD's new ration rules. (They ARE at war.)
She's alone when it happens. She has a moment of panic when she feels a hand close over her mouth, and then the barrel of a gun pointed at her back. She's struggling when she hears Trip's voice in her ear: "Tell me who the #$^& you are."
When he finally lets her go, she's staring at him like he's gone out of his mind, but he seems quite rational. The small handgun is still pointed at her. He demands to see her belly, and she sees his eyes trace over her stretch marks; he demands to know the identity of Laura's father.
She freezes, then answers honestly.
For a second, it doesn't seem to register with Trip, and she sees a riot of emotions cross his face before he finally lowers the gun. The answer, however, seems to satisfy him enough that she is who she says she is. He pulls out a helicarrier deck worker's uniform and a large, large toolbox. He grabs soft blankets out of the lab closets, tossing the colored ones and using the dark gray ones to line the empty toolbox. She is completely baffled, and gets a mulish look on her face and demands to know what's happening.
He and Grant, Trip begins, were told they had died at the conference. He pulls out his phone and shows her video of the bombing.
She looks up from the video to the face of her friend, shocked and puzzled.
Trip gives her a look, then mentions that he suspected that something else was up and wasn't about to buy it wholesale. Grant, though, hasn't been thinking logically. "He believes this is his punishment for what he did. He isn't even questioning it. It's like he expected you to be ripped away from him."
When she begins to protest, Trip shakes his head and interrupts. "Jemma, you're thinking of the old Ward who was undercover. I'm talking to you of the new one - this one you brought back. He's different. He's not the Grant Ward who was with SHIELD, he's not the Grant Ward who was with HYDRA.
"This Grant Ward looks fine on the outside. He eats what's placed in front of him, he goes to briefings, he helps with planning. But his SHIELD doctor is worried - came and told me two weeks ago that Ward's been taking zolpidem a couple times a week the last two months - his request, not hers. She also said if it doesn't stop she's going to switch him to melatonin agonists."
She is stunned into silence. Ward had always been careful, refusing all kind of drugs for many reasons. Didn't like his judgment clouded, he said. She had attributed it to a certain illogical male machismo but had let it go. This, however, is completely unlike him.
"C'mon." Trip thrusts the mechanic's uniform at her, with the hat. He carefully lifts the sleeping Laura out of her baby carrier and nestles her firmly inside the toolbox. She doesn't wake.
He is a good agent, Jemma thinks as they creep through the halls. He knows each camera's blind spot, he knows each camera's location. At times, they actually separate: each time, he gives her exact directions on when to lower her head so the camera only catches the top of her hat, with her hair tucked underneath, and misses what's actually being carried in the toolbox. They meet up again in a blind spot. He smuggles her straight through the helicarrier up to Grant's cell.
Trip hides her and Laura in a dark corner, blocked by a broom closet. She can see, slightly, as he approaches the room. He argues briefly with the guard in hushed voices, then is allowed into the cell.
She is shocked and a little heartbroken when she sees him shake Grant. The normally alert ex-specialist would have been awake when he heard Trip with the guard. When Grant wakes up with a start, he has Trip on the floor in a headlock in few seconds before he realizes what's going on, quickly letting him go. He seems to be apologizing, because Trip is shaking his head, holding up his hands in a "it's totally OK" gesture. He then launches into an animated, heated conversation that has a lot of Grant shaking his head, even walking away from him at one point.
Jemma creeps out quietly, making her way to the door, unseen. She pulls off her hat, letting her curls drop to her shoulder, and lifts Laura out of the toolbox and into her arms. The guard at Grant's door looks visibly shocked, then opens the door to let her in.
The heated whispers stop when the door creaks open. Trip looks up to see her, standing with Laura in the doorway, and then ventures a look at Grant. Trip then turns back to her, gives a small smile, and squeezes her arm on his way out.
Grant just stares at her, as if he's seeing a ghost. She walks up, and when he still doesn't move, she lifts his arms and places their daughter in them. He reaches out, touching the fading scars on her face ever so gently. His whole hand shakes.
She smiles at him, and he clutches her to him, pulling her tight against him. She can feel his rapid heartbeat, his trembling body.
She pulls away and looks up into his face and smiles, gently brushing her fingers over his cuts. "I'm fine," she whispers in reassurance. She pauses, then reaches up and kisses him. He responds with pained desperation, as though she will wink out of his existence again.
That night, back on the bus, she falls asleep with Grant's head in her lap, his one hand gripping hers; their daughter is asleep, held protectively against his chest.
{ }
She doesn't know that that very night, Trip will wait for May and Coulson and report to them everything that's happened. They don't even make it up the ramp before both of them turn on their heel and march straight back whence they came.
Coulson doesn't even knock as he enters Hand's office, where she and Blake are still discussing their report. The normally mild-mannered agent slams both palms down on Hand's desk and leans straight into her face. "Did you order it?"
"Order what." She is clearly irritated.
"Trip told us he and Ward were informed that Jemma and Laura had perished," May replied, her voice cold.
Hand snorted in amusement, then leaned back in her chair. "No, I didn't order it. I did know about it." She looks rather smug as she looks at Blake.
"We had to test his loyalty," Blake replied, his tone firm, but an element of defensiveness in his tone. "We took him and Trip off the helicarrier to conduct a major raid on HYDRA, based on a last-minute tip. We couldn't risk him turning again."
"How the h-ll does telling him Simmons died achieve that?!" Coulson's voice rises a notch.
Hand just smirks, a "told you so" expression on the face she directs to Blake, who ignores it.
"He has to be doing these things for the right reason," Blake snaps. "Not because he's besotted with one of our agents. He has to be on SHIELD's side because it's right!"
"So you lied to see if your asset's loyalty was true," May says sarcastically.
"You could have come to me and asked me if he was reliable, and I could have told you the same!" Coulson's voice rises a notch.
"Oh, Phil, please," Hand replies crisply. "You missed it the first time. Both of you did," she adds, looking at May. "I agree that Blake's methods are silly - you know my position. But you? You had that hacker and then your specialist sell you out within a year, Phil. You can't blame us for not trusting your judgment." She crosses her arms, tilting her head to the side. "You can thank us whenever you want."
Coulson straightens, his face stone cold. "Agent Triplett, get your things and wake up Ward. We're going home. Tonight."
{ }
It is a boon to see Kara after all these months, and Jemma discovers, much to her irritation, that SHIELD also told the therapist that she had been killed. Jemma speculates that Kara is too just to have let Grant stay in the dark about what really happened, and so SHIELD felt she couldn't know about their survival, either.
In the ensuing days, she learns a lot about what happened those four months everybody thought she was dead.
She and Kara slip easily back into their routine, and she mentions her deep, deep struggle with her feelings, her heart warring with her head. Kara's judgment is both surprising and unhelpful: "Well, I hope you would struggle with your feelings for Agent Ward."
Jemma mumbles something not very charitable.
Kara just laughs. "Jemma, you have seen what depths of evil he's capable of. I would never want you to ignore that."
"You must believe me insane, then."
"Now don't go putting words in my mouth." The exchange turns serious. "Jemma, have you forgiven him for what he did to you?"
Has she? She doesn't know. "I can't forget it."
"I should certainly hope not. Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. To forgive is divine, to quote part of the proverb - but to forget is idiotic."
"Can you forgive without forgetting?"
"Of course. If you forget the wrongs against you, then how can you forgive what you don't remember? Forgiveness, as a prerequisite, requires that the victim does indeed remember what was happened."
"I don't know if I've forgiven him."
"Think about it. Take some time to do so. Because if you've not forgiven him, then the rest of this conversation is a moot point."
Jemma pauses, then asks quietly, "I want your honest, honest opinion - as Kara, not as my therapist." Kara nods. "Is redemption possible?"
Her reply is swift, firm: "Yes."
"Even after murder?"
The answer is unwavering: "Yes."
"But - ?"
"But we rarely understand the cost of it." Kara shakes her head. "Redemption means that somebody did something wrong - that there was a victim, an innocent victim, that there was an injustice. We can't just give them a hug and a doe-eyed 'I love you' and let it pass. There's somebody hurt who shouldn't have been hurt. What about them? Justice has to be done first."
"Punishment."
Kara nods.
"And after?"
"Even after punishment is served, redemption is a terrible process. Self-sacrifice, blood, tears, pain, doubt. Redemption is never easy, never facile. Most people don't understand it. Most people don't make it through it. We have silly notions of giving the benefit of the doubt and second chances and 'if I expect good things from them, they'll try to achieve at that level' and 'luuuurv will make the bad guy good'." Jemma chuckles at Kara's disgusted face. "Most people never realize the cost. And in redemption, somebody always pays a price, a terrible one."
"So then what's the point of even trying?" Jemma frowns. "Why bother with redemption if we can just incarcerate them? Justice is served that way."
Kara smiles then, and it seems like her whole face is alight. "Because," she says, her voice soft. "Because, Jemma, sometimes that redeemed world is even more amazing than the one that never fell."