Heads or Tails
Once upon a time there was a boy who grew up on the Mouth of Hell, destined to be nothing more than a butt monkey for the higher powers, until one Halloween where the interference of a chaos god changed everything…
This is not his story.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Naruto Uzumaki woke with a start, his heart pounding in his chest and his head filled with a confused mix of memories, his own at sixteen and a 21 year old Xander Harris. He whimpered as he heard the fox try and fight… something. It wasn't that he was sympathetic or worried about the nine-tailed beast inside him, it was because he'd just realized he had to go through puberty… again!
Having been subjected to being shunned and avoided by nearly the entire village, Naruto had, had to develop an iron will to keep from being driven to despair. It was that iron will that saved him now as he clung to his sense of self with all he had until the riptide of memory receded.
He hadn't remained unchanged even if he had managed to push aside the additional memories for the moment. He now knew secrets of both his world and Xander's, secrets that people would kill for, either to possess or keep from the hands of others. Hell, Xander had been an Anime fan so he now knew things about his world that even the great sages were ignorant of!
He forced the knowledge away with a will. It was best to slowly absorb the knowledge as it connected to present day so it became his and he didn't end up a confused and insane blend of him and Xander.
Looking at the clock he saw it was several hours before his team was to meet, which Kakashi was going to be several hours late to and give them a really flawed test. The Bell test was not something that should be given to new genin as they weren't taught to work in teams in the academy.
Naruto sighed and rubbed his temples. He knew at least one possible future - memories of various things Xander had read threatened to drown him for a moment. OK, he had memories of reading various possible futures and quite a bit of hentai Manga involving everyone he knew and then some! Naruto briefly gave thanks that he hadn't hit puberty yet and as he was able to push aside all the porn both of his older selves had read, while mentally cursing his inevitable future as a pervert, to concentrate on his options.
The fact that he knew how the future would have gone guaranteed it wouldn't go that way now because he couldn't play the same role even if he was the world's most talented actor, which he definitely wasn't. Schroder's cat was a zombie and Naruto might as well start drawing up a contract for butterfly summons because the future was going to change from what he knew.
Naruto got up and tossed his toad sleeping cap on the bed. Just from standing up he could already feel the difference in his chakra as having 40 accumulated years of memory gave him a lot more mental energy to work with and his superior chakra control at sixteen refined that even further making him a true powerhouse. He was going to have to train like Lee to be able to take full advantage of that as his physical condition was rather poor in comparison.
As he went about his morning routine, Naruto considered what to do next. It was around his third cup of instant ramen (he'd poured out his past due milk) that he made his decision.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Naruto henged himself into a chuin messenger and used a shadow-clone to distract Jiji's secretary. The horse-faced bitch would try every trick in the book to keep him from seeing the old man, not that it ever stopped him, but he really didn't feel like putting up with her shit today.
As he entered the hokage's office he felt himself become the focus of several people's attention. No doubt Sarutobi was also paying close attention to him, but the old man was so skilled you couldn't tell, unlike his ANBU guards in the corner of the room who made a show of it.
"Hey old man," Naruto said cheerfully, actually startling Sarutobi who didn't recognize Naruto's new chakra signature at first.
"Naruto?" he asked as the young demon container dropped his grin.
"You know another orphan with a nine-tailed fuzzy navel?"
Sarutobi chuckled and lit his pipe, giving him another moment to examine Naruto and formulate a reply. "You're different today."
"Yes I am," Naruto agreed knowing the old man would be on a lie like Choji on free mochi balls. "I was given a lot to think about lately."
"That is true," the Hokage conceded.
"My life finally makes sense," Naruto said with a heavy sigh.
The old man took a long drag on his pipe to avoid commenting.
"Of course it shows me how few people can actually be trusted, cause if you enforced the law on keeping silent about me you'd have to execute most of the village."
"Surely it is not that bad," Sarutobi said.
"Go out henged as me and see how it works for you," Naruto said shaking his head. "The continual whispers just loud enough to hear about you being called it, thing, demon, or monster. The number of places that pretend not to see you so they deny you service. Even without the continual sneers and disrespect of the civilians I have to deal with supposedly loyal nin lying to me and trying to kill me."
"I thought Mizuki was an isolated incident."
"With the exception of Iruka, and he didn't treat me any different than the other instructors at first, all my teachers have tried to sabotage my training and manipulated the students to make me a pariah."
"Your vocabulary has improved," Sarutobi noted, ashamed of the way things turned out.
"Do you know how many shadow clones I can make?" Naruto asked in a seeming non-sequiter.
"No," the hokage admitted curiously.
"Neither do I," Naruto replied with a grin. "But they take so little chakra I can use them for household chores or to read books for me."
"I see," the hokage said thoughtfully.
Naruto opened the door to the hokage's office so they could hear the secretary arguing with his shadow-clone to keep him away from the Hokage for a minute before closing the door and sitting back down.
"As far as I can tell you're surrounded by traitors, unless you gave her orders to keep me out."
"No, I told her to let you in if you came by," Sarutobi replied.
"I've got some concerns about my present sensei," Naruto said seriously.
"Kakashi?" the old man asked in surprise. "I can assure you he's a loyal leaf nin, more so than most even."
"He showed up three hours late and the first words out of his mouth were that he didn't like us."
"Trust me Naruto," the hokage replied with a smile. "Kakashi is not going to let you down, he'll be a proper sensei."
"Fine," Naruto said with a sigh. "I'll pay close attention and obey his every order but if he turns out to be like Mizuki, I want your word I can be on another team."
"We don't have any teams with openings at the moment, but I hardly think Kakashi is going to turn traitor," the hokage replied amused.
"Fine, then rotate me through the teams as a floater, I just want your word that if Kakashi lies to me to try and get rid of me, that you've got my back."
"I promise," the Hokage said solemnly, happy he could put some of Naruto's concerns to rest.
"Henge," Naruto said turning into a nondescript brown haired boy. "Thanks old man."
"Why the henge?"
"It's not all that fun being me around here, so let's see how much fun it is when no one knows who thier scapegoat is. Later," Naruto said as he left.
The Hokage chuckled before turning to his ANBU. "I need a survey of how businesses react to Naruto's presence. Use henge and don't let on it's a test. We'll levy fines based on the results later. Also have my secretary sent to T and I. I want to know why she disobeyed my direct orders."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Prices were lower and people were much more friendly to a nameless genin than they were to Naruto Uzumaki. It was both a happy and sad thing to discover, but he comforted himself with the knowledge that the people of the village did come around before and would again.
Sakura and Sasuke waited on the bridge for Kakashi to show, wondering where Naruto was. He was late at times, but for something like this they expected him to be early even if their sensei was hours late. By the time Kakashi arrived in a swirl of leaves they'd both given him up for dead, not sure how the dead last had managed to kill himself trying to get out of this meeting, but sure that he had, otherwise he would have been there.
"You're late!" Sakura screeched.
"I had to pick up my laundry and some of Mitarashi Anko's panties had gotten in by mistake," Kakashi replied. "I tried to return her things to her, but the fact that I was in possession of her undergarments lead to a running battle that ate up most of my morning."
"Naruto's dead," Sakura said once the two genin had recovered from his excuse.
"No he's not, he's right over there," Kakashi said pointing to where a little boy who had taken off his sandals and rolled up his pants legs on the surface of the river while his large white dog napped.
"Naruto!?" Sakura yelled, waking the dog who got up and walked over to them, the little boy went back to walking on the water but kept sinking the further out he went while he practiced.
"Now that we're all here-" Kakashi began.
"What about Naruto?!" Sakura demanded.
"He's right there," Kakashi said pointing at the sheepdog with the dirty white fur.
"Stop screwing around!" Sakura ordered hitting the dog over the head, who poofed into Naruto, the orange of his jumpsuit so bright they flinched at its appearance.
Naruto rubbed his head and glared at Sakura. "The next time you hit me outside of a spar I am either going to press charges or replace your shampoo with Nair. I am not your punching bag!" He knew her actions were motivated by at least in part by affection, but there was also a fair amount of disrespect involved that he would not put up with ever again.
"Yes, well," Kakashi inserted himself between the two. "Back to what I was saying. The final test before you can call yourself genin is to take these bells from me and anyone who is without a bell by the time the clock hits noon gets tied to a log and forced to watch us eat," Kakashi said sitting an alarm clock down.
"But there's only two bells!" Sakura protested.
"Then I guess there'll only be two genin on my team," Kakashi said blandly.
Sakura sent a glance filled with pity at Naruto, that she quickly covered with a look of determination. "True love will win out!" she declared with fire in her gaze.
Kakashi had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. "Yes, well, come at me with intent to kill or you have no chance. Begin!"
The other two genin dove into the bushes while Naruto just stood there.
"You're not that bright, are you?" Kakashi asked.
Naruto just stared at him calmly his hair swaying as he slowly pulled up all the chakra he could.
"What are you doing?" Kakashi asked cautiously as Naruto began to glow.
"Shadow clone, jutsu," Naruto replied, flooding the clearing with clones and switching the clones and himself with each other randomly before a dozen stood back and directed the others to attack.
No matter what the outcome Naruto was determined that things would be different this time.
2 hours later…
"Sensei," Sakura said quietly, "your jacket's on fire."
Kakashi patted out the small fire on the sleeve of his jacket and stared at his three genin. A haze of smoke hung in the air between them and several trees were on fire behind them. The two genin not tied to a log were slightly charred, but in much better condition than Kakashi, who was still smoldering and had his right pants leg missing.
"Well," Kakashi said, "since none of you got the bells-"
"Which bells?" Naruto asked with a smirk.
Kakashi quickly felt his belt and sighed in relief before detaching and holding up a pair of bells. "These bells," he said just before they turned into smoke with a quiet poof.
"You mean the bells I've had in my pocket for the last half hour?" Naruto asked innocently. Unlike his teammates he was soot free.
Sakura and Sasuke dove for him, their hands quickly frisking him and half removing his clothes as they searched for the bells.
"Where are they?!" Sasuke demanded of the disheveled genin.
"I said I had them," Naruto said, glad he'd put on clean boxers that morning since his pants had fallen down. "I didn't say the shadow clone you've tied to a post has them. Besides it was only possession when the alarm went off that counted."
Naruto dissolved into chakra smoke with a soft poof.
As the three stared at the empty ropes the sound of bells could be heard coming from the river. Turning they saw the barefoot little boy standing in the center of the river shaking a pair of bells. Sakura and Sasuke hung their heads in shame for being defeated by the dead last not once but twice.
Naruto dropped the henge and joined them. "I knew these two would attack me for the bells as would you, so I faked failing until I already passed the test."
"Actually none of you passed," Kakashi said shaking his head.
"Really, what a surprise," Naruto said sarcastically.
"The real test was teamwork," Kakashi explained. "The fact that none of you worked together, with the exception of Sasuke and Sakura turning on Naruto after the test was completed, means that not only am I sending you back to the academy, I'm suggesting you be dropped from the ninja program."
"Of course," Naruto said. "You set up a test that can only pass two people knowing Sasuke only cares about himself and Sakura has stated that she hates me and loves Sakura, but when I somehow pass anyway we all fail."
"You have to learn to see underneath the underneath," Kakashi explained. "Those who ignore the rules are trash, but those who abandon their teammates are less than trash."
"Well let me tell you what I see right on the surface," Naruto said. "They don't teach us anything about teamwork in school, in fact they pit us against one another for rankings. Our Jounin team leader is supposed to teach us how to work together. You set up a test designed to pass exactly two genin, neither of them named Naruto Uzumaki and when I passed it anyway you came up with a cock and bull story to try and flunk me out anyway-"
"I assure you this is the same test I've given to every genin team I've been sent," Kakashi interrupted.
"Then you, rather than teaching teamwork, as you are supposed to, have destroyed the careers of all your teams for no reason. I wonder what that makes you? Anyway I don't buy a word of it and Jiji promised me that if you lied to me and tried to get rid of me like a certain someone else, I would be a floater attached to no one team. So, goodbye."
Kakashi turned to his two remaining genin after Naruto had left. "They no longer teach teamwork in the academy?"
"There are a few cooperative exercises," Sakura admitted, "but most of our training involves developing skills that we pit against one another."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Naruto nodded at the chunin who was acting as the Hokage's secretary as he walked past.
"He's downstairs in the Jounin training hall," the chunin said, not wanting to end up like the person he was filling in for.
"Thanks," Naruto said and reversing directions tossing up a Kakashi henge.
"Don't mention it," the chunin muttered as he returned to sorting papers.
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
The Hokage raised an eyebrow as Naruto entered the Jounin meeting under henge. Unable to sense chakra to the same depth as the Hokage, the Jounin he was meeting with just assumed something had riled Kakashi up enough to cause some turbulence in his chakra.
'Kakashi' tossed a pair of bells to the hokage. "Defeated the test that was designed to let the Uchiha and his follower alone pass and was informed that meant I failed." Naruto dropped the henge. "He lied to me as I expected, so that means I'm a floater."
"You got both bells from him?" Asuma asked impressed.
"It was easier to grab them both than just one," Naruto admitted.
"And you didn't share them a teammate?" Gai asked.
"I offered to team up with both of them," Naruto replied, "of course both said no as Sasuke thinks he doesn't need anyone and Sakura was only interested in working against me and with Sasuke. In fact when I admitted I had both bells once the test was finished they practically molested my shadow-clone searching for the bells, which is better than what Kakashi attempted during the test. I'm seriously considering pressing charges here."
"Surely it wasn't that bad," Kurenai said not knowing about Kakashi's butt-poke jutsu.
"So you won't complain if I do it to you?" Naruto asked with a grin.
"No!" Asuma and the Hokage both yelled, knowing what Kakashi likely did.
"Fine," Naruto said rolling his eyes. "Anyways I listened and obeyed my sensei as I promised and he lied and tried to get rid of me, saying I failed by winning. Where do I report as a floater?"
"My office seven AM," the Hokage replied. "Don't be late."
"I'll be there," Naruto said cheerfully before splitting.
"A floater?" Asuma asked as Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves.
"I promised Naruto if his sensei lied to him and tried to get rid of him he could become a floater," Sarutobi said eying Kakashi who was still smoking.
"I gave him the standard bell test," Kakashi defended himself. "And since when did the academy stop teaching teamwork?"
"I'll look into it," the Hokage said. "Did you even bother to read Naruto's file on the Mizuki incident?"
Ignoring Kakashi's attempts to make an excuse for not reading the genin's records Asuma had to ask, "How did he get the bells from you?"
"Uzumaki stamina combined with shadow-clones is bad enough, but add in the fact that Sasuke used a fireball jutsu enough times around Naruto that he learned to copy it-"
Asuma burst out laughing. "The irony in Naruto copying a jutsu from an Uchiha is just too funny."
"Ironic or not he built enough firepower to torch the training area and flood the area with chakra to the point where I couldn't keep track of him."
"That has potential," Asuma said thoughtfully. "Be sure to float him my way occasionally."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
Naruto paused in the street and scratched his chin as he thought about what he should do now. Considering his chakra reserves he should really work on his control and his poor physical condition. He smacked himself in the head and muttered insults to himself as he recalled that he knew how to make shadow clones, dropping his henge so he could concentrate.
A quick henge into a nondescript Hyuga caused the civilians that were glaring at him to start. The evil grin he gave them probably didn't help matters any. Enjoying the confusion he decided to get lunch first, something with a lot of vitamins to make up for his poor diet.
Naruto knew that even now there were people working against him and the less they knew about what he was doing the better. But how would he hide… Naruto chuckled. Konoha was just like Sunnydale in the fact that they both had empty warehouses and he was going to go with the time honored tradition of using one for his own purpose.
A flood of rats hit the warehouse district crawling through every inch of every area that wasn't filled with people. This being a ninja village he set off numerous traps, found half a dozen bodies, and a few private caches.
Even with a few thousand clones crawling all over the place it took Naruto nearly an hour to find what he wanted. It was roughly half the size of a football field, two stories high, and could use some serious work. The address was on the letterhead of the paperwork he found in the front office, which was fortunate as he had no idea how he'd have found it otherwise as it was literally boxed in by the surrounding warehouses leaving no easy way in or out without cutting through the wall of another warehouse or climbing across their roof.
He knew business could be cutthroat, be he had no idea how they'd pulled this off. There were no bodies, so the owners had gotten out, but the warehouse still had crates of stuff. It had been a decade or more since it had been abandoned judging by the amount of dust and the condition of the roof.
Clones found their way across the roofs, through the sewers, and even through the walls themselves to congregate in their new home, pausing in the corners and looking in the crates.
A dozen clones improvised tools and breaking down crates to patch up sections of the roof and walls that had developed holes letting rain in. Another dozen started clearing away a large section so he had room to practice in private. Yet another dozen was cleaning and straightening the offices. All of this left countless clones with nothing important to do, even counting the ones carrying in things they'd found in the area.
Naruto stood on a stack of dusty crates a broken skylight giving him enough light to see most of the place from his perch. "I need a stand in and a cleaning crew for the apartment. A couple hundred can practice wall-walking here or go to the park and practice water-walking. The remaining clones pop yourselves one at a time so we don't overload here."
*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*
*Knock* *Knock* *Knock*
Naruto (or rather the clone playing Naruto) answered the door while his clones cleaned the apartment. "Hey old man," he said cheerfully, on seeing the hokage on his stoop.
"Naruto, just the genin I was looking for," Sarutobi said. "Mind if I come in?"
Naruto stepped back from the door and headed into the kitchen. "I need to make tea to be polite, right?"
The hokage entered wondering what Naruto was talking about. "When guests come over it is considered polite."
"I read a book about that," Naruto said getting everything for tea together.
"I came over to see if you might do me a small favor," Sarutobi said, ignoring the clones trying to mop on the ceiling.
"Sure, what you need?" Naruto replied, ignoring a snoring clone who fell off the ceiling and popped on the floor.
"I had a talk with Kakashi, who really does value teamwork above all else, and he's apologized for his actions, as he thought the academy was still stressing teamwork and expected a different response from your group."
"And?" Naruto asked cautiously.
"I was wondering if you might give him a second chance," the hokage said hopefully.
The pot whistled giving Naruto a chance to think of a way to avoid getting stuck with team seven again. "Water's ready!"
Tea was quickly, if clumsily made by Naruto while the Hokage politely waited for an answer.
"Kakashi knows like a thousand jutsu, right?" Naruto asked, pausing to sip his tea.
"He knows hundreds," the hokage replied. "Why?"
"I had a lot of teachers who made it their job to teach me as little as possible while misleading me," Naruto said. "How about I give him a week and if he isn't teaching me, I'm free?"
"The first couple of weeks are mainly used for discovering what you do know," Sarutobi said.
"OK, a month then," Naruto said. "If he hasn't taught me any new jutsu in a month, I'm free."
"That seems reasonable," the old man said, happy that things were back on track.
"No cluing him in," Naruto warned. "I want him to teach like he would as if he didn't think he was being watched."
"That's fair," Sarutobi said.
"And um… could you do me a small favor?"
"Sure, what is it Naruto?"
"I wanna buy a building, oh and my clones found some corpses," Naruto said, counting on the corpses to distract him into agreeing.
"Someone's been murdered?" Sarutobi asked concerned, signaling for an ANBU.
"They're pretty old," Naruto said as an ANBU appeared. Naruto wrote out an address and handed it to the ANBU. "Get me the price and deed please. The six of 'em are old and in different places. I'll have to show you."
The hokage stood up and absently nodded at his guard to follow Naruto's request. "Where are they located?'
"Warehouse district," Naruto said ignoring another snoring clone as it fell off the ceiling and poofed away. "I flooded the area with clones and had them wiggle through all the cracks they could find."
"Why?" the hokage asked as they walked down the street.
"An empty warehouse would give me privacy and room to practice," Naruto replied. "I've had people claim to have reserved time in training areas just to get rid of me before."
"I see," Sarutobi said, the initial report from ANBU impersonating Naruto backing up the young nin's words. It was a short walk to the low rent warehouse district.
The corpses were all underground. Three of the corpses were civilian bodies that had ended up there through accident or misadventure, but the other three were nin. A decade old body from the Yamanaka clan, whose cause of death might never be known and a Kurama clan nin who had died fighting a cloud nin no more than a year or so past, taking his foe with him.
"This entire section of sewer is partially collapsed as are the basements," Anko reported after a quick search of the area. "It's a low priority area, so things were blocked off rather than repaired after the Kyubi attack. Hell, the deed for the address the kid wants is up for grabs, because no one could locate the property or put much effort into finding it. And before you ask, I have no idea how you lose a building that large."
"So I can have the building?" Naruto asked with a grin.
"If you can find it," Anko snorted.
"Find it? I'm in it right now."
"Shadow clone," the hokage said after a moment's thought.
Anko signaled an ANBU who vanished and returned with a piece of paper a moment later. "Mind satisfying my curiosity?" she asked as she signed the deed.
"It is completely boxed in," Naruto explained. "I only found it because I had clones crawling through the cracks in the walls and floors."
Anko snickered. "That'd do it. Surprised no one called ANBU on you."
"Henge," Naruto said. "Look like a rat and all they'll call in is the exterminators."
Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai!