Chili Con Carne

"Three wishes?" John asked, stunned.

"Yes, three," she agreed. The she of course being the floating girl with the hair made of flame and the dusky skin wearing the harem outfit.

"Immortality, surrounded by women, your freedom," he quickly rattled off.

"What?" Now it was her turn to be shocked.

"My wishes," he replied.

"Your third wish is for my freedom?" she asked, to make sure she had heard him correctly.

"Yep. I think that's the way the story is supposed to go, a couple of wishes that are selfish and shortsighted, followed by a selfless act to show the lesson has been learned."

She stood well over 10 feet tall, in fact he was pretty sure if he walked straight forward he'd burn his tongue, with hair of flame, red eyes, ivory tusks and the biggest rack he'd seen in his life, outside the internet of course.

"No running and screaming?" she asked in surprise.

Wiping off the drool with the back of his hand he shook his head. "Was I supposed to?"

"Well you did just free a very powerful spirit of fire and air."

"And?" he asked confused.

"Aren't you afraid I'll seek vengeance for being trapped?"

"I didn't trap you," John pointed out, "and you don't look like an irrational moron that would decide one human was as good as the next. No, if you got vengeance it would be on the bastard that trapped you. Of course the best revenge is living well, but at least part of that should be rubbing it in the guy's face."

"You've thought a lot about this," she replied in surprise.

"I read fanfiction and a lot of them have tackled the possibilities in their stories."

"Oh. I guess you want an explanation for the golden bracers you're wearing then."

John looked down and discovered he was now wearing the bracers she'd had on. Taking a closer look he discovered they were covered in very tiny writing, none of which was English. "Yeah, that would be nice."

"Whoever frees the slave of the lamp, becomes the slave of the lamp," she explained.

"So I can grant wishes now?"

"It doesn't grant you any powers, sorry. The bracelets make you the slave of whoever rubs the lamp. You have to grant them three wishes, but that's limited to things you can actually do."

"Well, that's what I get for buying a magic lamp on EBay," John muttered.

"Sorry about that," she apologized.

"Not your fault. So, what happens now?"

"You have to perform a personal service to me, but only one, and it doesn't have to be a big thing, and then I'll finish granting your wishes."

"Really?" he perked up. "Can I pick the service?"

"Sure."

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"Keitaro?" Haruka asked as she spotted him sitting in front of her tea shop.

"Yes, Aunty Haruka?" he replied, sidestepping the swipe with a paper fan he knew had been coming.

"Don't call me that, it makes me feel old!"

Keitaro gave her a look that made her blush before saying, "You're definitely not a child, but old? I don't think so."

"Flatterer," she replied, before lighting up a cigarette.

"So, any idea why Granny asked me to come here?"

"I believe she wants you to run the place while she tours the world," Haruka replied.

"I've never run an inn before."

"It's not an inn anymore. Granny turned it into a female dorm."

He groaned. "I guess I'll try and talk her out of it then, the last thing I need is to be stuck in a situation that reads like a TV sitcom," he snarked.

"Actually, she left yesterday," Haruka said with a grin. "Probably so you couldn't talk her out of it."

"Sneaky old lady," Keitaro said shaking his head. "Well I guess I best check in and see what I have to do."

"I better come with you, so there's no misunderstandings," Haruka said. "The girls can be a bit…excitable."

"Joy," Keitaro deadpanned, climbing to his feet and picking up his suitcase. "This has bad idea written all over it."

"It won't be that bad…probably."

"That makes me feel loads better," Keitaro replied dryly.

"Why, I bet there won't even be a laugh track."

Keitaro chuckled as they climbed the long stone steps leading up to the Hinata Inn.

"So, what's with the wrist jewelry?" Haruka asked, as she opened the front door and exchanged their shoes for house slippers.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," he replied with a sigh.

"That bad?" she asked in surprise, as she lead him into the living room.

"Worse," he replied, knowing that anyone getting their hands on his bottle were going to be nothing but trouble.

Seeing as how he didn't want to talk about it, Haruka let it drop.

"Other than being a bit worn about the edges, this place doesn't look too bad," he said as they sat on the couch.

"It's not," Haruka assured him. "Mostly it's just cleaning and upkeep, thought the women's side of the hot springs needs to be cleaned and repaired."

"As long as it's simple repair work I should be able to handle it, and at least the men's side works, because after the day I've had I could use a relaxing soak."

"I was going to suggest waiting for the residents to arrive, but a soak does sound nice." Standing up she waved to him, "come on, it'll be just like old times."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Except this time I won't be trying to impress you with my peeing for distance record."

Haruka laughed.

"I still can't believe you won," he muttered.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

Naru squinted as she spotted someone in the steam, figuring Mitsune was the most likely suspect she quickly jumped in her lap. "Hey, Mitsune! I think my breasts have gotten bigger, what do you think?"

Haruka just raised an eyebrow, as Naru grabbed one of her nephew's hands and forced him to grope her.

"What's poking me?" Naru asked, before reaching down and discovering she'd jumped on a guy's lap.

"Pervert! Peeping Tom!" she screamed before swinging blindly missing Keitaro completely, who'd ducked underwater, before jumping up and running off.

Keitaro resurfaced. "And here I'd thought my luck had changed for a moment."

"Apparently not," Haruka replied dryly, thankful Keitaro couldn't see the way her lips twitched in amusement.

"Where are you, pervert!" Mokoto yelled as she rushed into the spring, sword at the ready.

"She ran out of here after molesting me," Keitaro said.

"Evil cutting sword!" Motoko called out, using one of her school's special attacks the moment she saw him.

Keitaro blinked at the bright slash of Ki just before it smashed him into a rock and sent him into unconsciousness.

*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*0*

"The police should be called!" a female voice yelled.

"I couldn't agree more," Keitaro said as he sat up on the cement. "I don't know whether it was attempted robbery or a blackmail scheme, but I fully intend to press charges on the girl that jumped on me and groped me, before calling in her accomplice to render me unconscious."

"What?!" screeched a pair of voices.

Keitaro chuckled and was happy to find he was still wearing his towel. "Aunt Haruka, can you get my glasses, I'm blind without them and that thug who attacked me is probably still lurking about."

"Thug?!" a female voice screeched.

"Yeah, probably some Yakuza wannabe who scammed his way into learning a Ki attack. Definitely not any sort of martial artist, since the attack was targeted at an unarmed person, making no threatening movements, who can't see past the end of his nose," Keitaro said shaking his head.

"And if she had attacked because of a friend who was yelling about a pervert assaulting her, spotted someone out of place and mistook the glint of metal under the water for a weapon beneath the surface and used a non-lethal attack?" a female voice asked in clipped tones, clearly angry but controlling it.

"That would move her from thug to master level martial artist with apprentice level instincts which is both better and worse," he said with a frown.

Haruka handed him his glasses.

"Thanks," he said putting them on and finding he was almost surrounded by young women.

"Why would it be worse?" a blond haired girl with a dark tan asked curiously.

"Because they'd be unbalanced. An apprentice hesitates and then decides what to use in different situations, but you only get to master level by overcoming that hesitation and learning to trust your skills and instincts. However, especially gifted students can learn skills long before they have the necessary instincts, which makes them dangerous to the people around them. There is generally two traditional ways to handle them, one; send them on a masters quest so they are forced to develop their instincts or die, and two; expel them from the school for a time in the hopes that they mature enough to develop their own instincts when forced to stand on their own two feet."

"Nicely said," Haruka agreed. "Keitaro allow me to introduce you to the girls. The girl who molested and assaulted you is Naru Narusegawa who is not usually so forward."

"I thought he was Mitsune, not some perverted peeking tom!" Naru protested.

"And thieves think everyone else is a thief," he protested dryly. "Does she feel up and peep on everyone?"

Haruka shook her head. "Mitsune is the only person she molests like that, as far as I know."

"So I don't have to worry about her jumping me all the time or trying to peep on me?"

"I'm not a pervert!" Naru yelled.

"I'll withhold judgment for now," Keitaro said. "I'm sure your day to day behavior with prove whether you are or not."

"The girl with the sword is Motoko Aoyama of the God's Cry school."

"I believe we've met," Keitaro said chuckling ruefully.

"Indeed," Motoko replied.

"That's Shinobu Maehara and Su Kaolla," Haruka said. "Shinobu does most of the cooking and Su creates all of the exploding mechanical turtles."

"Exploding mechanical turtles?" Keitaro asked.

"I'm working on Mecha-Tama three point four!" Su said excitedly.

"What about me?" the last girl spoke up, hands on her hips almost posing as she tried to draw Keitaro's attention to her lush curves.

"That's Mitsune, if she didn't go to school with Naru for the last four years I'd suspect she was a kitsune."

Naru groaned. "And it's your fault I jumped on him, I was trying to get you back for yesterday!"

Haruka rolled her eyes. "Anyway, everyone this is Keitaro, my cousin, who Grandma Hina has made the manager of the dorm while she's touring the world's hot springs."

"I will not allow it!" Motoko yelled, just as Naru began building her own head of steam.

"You will not allow it?" Keitaro asked his normally pleasant smile replaced by a cold glare.

"Who knows what-" Motoko began when Keitaro climbed to his feet and she found herself backing away.

"You dare stand in my ancestral home and tell me what you will and will not allow?!" Keitaro demanded.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Mitsune quickly interjected trying to play peacekeeper for once. "She just worries about us."

Keitaro nodded and stepped back. "I begin to see why you're here and not on a master's quest. I am the manager here, this you have no say over. In fact the only thing you have a say in is whether you chose to stay here, because I will be perfectly happy to turn this back into an inn."

"He will too," Haruka assured them after Keitaro had stormed off. "Generally he's a pushover, but when he sets his mind to something it's impossible to budge him."

"What do we do?" Shinobu worried, not wanting to go back to being the prize of the tug of war game her parents were having.

"Treat him kindly and he'll do the same to you," Haruka replied. "Treat him like an enemy and he'll kick your ass to the curb. He was a lot more forgiving when he was younger, but I guess he grew out of it. About time too," she finished with a smile much to everyone's shock.

Typing by: The Last Primarch!

AN: Was going for an SI but really since the main character isn't spending all his time reading and surfing the net, you can tell it's a generic insert character. I really shouldn't choose chapter titles when I'm hungry.