I lay there for hours, every time I fell into any slumber that resembled sleep, I was quickly awoken by the thought of a heavy, hot mouth on my neck or a painful throbbing inside my abdomen. Eventually I threw my duvet up over my head and closed my eyes, hoping that eventually my brain would just shut down, hopelessly into a dreamless, nightmare less sleep. It must have worked because I found myself awakening much later, a stabbing pain in the lower part of my abdomen and struggling to catch my breath I tumbled from bed, stumbling across the landing into the bathroom. I slammed the door shut behind me and slid down it, the pain becoming so unbearable I could no longer stand. I lay on the cool bathroom floor and looking down saw that the tracksuit bottoms I'd been wearing yesterday were now stained in dark red blood. I felt myself began to cry and the pain caused me to scream out, hoping that I'd wake someone and I lay there, exhausted, my stomach burning as if on fire and a throbbing pain growing more and more agonizing as every minute passed. I opened my mouth and screamed, my voice breaking with another tidal wave of pain, "DAAADDDDDD!" I threw my head back against the door and banged it repeatedly, sobs raking my body. Heavy footsteps fell rapidly on the staircase and I felt the pressure against my back as someone tried to push the door open. "LENA? LENA LET ME IN!" I pushed myself away from the door, towards the bath tub and the thick dark blood smeared across the bathroom tiles. Dad gave the door a heavy push and he fell into the room. Shock clearly visible on his face he collapsed on the floor beside, taking my hand. "Lena, what happened?" I shook my head, not knowing myself, "It hurts so much Dad!" he cradled me in his arms and I looked up to see Remus stood in the doorway. I tried to pull my legs up, to protect some of the dignity I had left, the movement causing pain to shoot up my spine, and I flinched horribly, my stomach wrenching. I threw myself from Dad's arms and scrambled to the bathtub, heaving heavily. Someone's hands were rubbing my back, another hand held my hair back from my face. Dad wiped the tears from my cheek and his hands were gentle as they rubbed circles on my back. Remus's hands were cold against my neck as he held my hair back and he stood behind quietly while Dad reassured me everything was going to be okay.
Eventually my stomach gave up and I sat with my head against Dad's chest, his fingers running through my hair gently as he shushed me. Remus stood watching quietly, his eyes never straying from me, I could feel his gaze warming my cheeks, but now was no time to be coy. "Remus can you get Lena some clean clothes, I'm going to get her cleaned up." Dads voice was quiet but Remus left the room almost silently. Dad knelt beside me, my cheek now resting on the cool bath rim as the taps threw steaming water into the deep tub. "Lena," I looked up at him, feeling the tears ready to run again. He kissed my forehead gently and slid my t-shirt up over my head before helping me to stand to rid myself of the bloody bottoms. He helped me into the tub gently and I hissed as my skin touched the boiling water. Dad sat behind the tub on the floor and I sat, my knees against my chest as he used his wand to run hot streams of water and shampoo through my hair. It felt so good to finally be clean and although the water burned my skin it felt good to use every nerve left still working in my body, to know I was still alive. As Dad ran conditioner through my hair, Remus re-entered the bathroom, clean pyjamas folded neatly in his arms. I didn't care for what he could see; it felt too good to be sat in the hot water, the dirt washing from me. Remus sat on the closed toilet, watching as Dad finished with my hair. Dad stood and took two large towels from the shelf, wrapping one tightly around my hair, he helped me stand, allowing me to wrap the towel around myself. Remus stood and left the bathroom, telling Dad he'd get Kreacher to make tea. Taking my toothbrush, Dad brushed my teeth and I spat out the dirty water, and I stood as Dad dried me gently and the pain was evident on his face as he took in the deep scratches and bruises that covered my body. Purple blotches ran along the inside of my thighs and the one that had shocked Remus so yesterday was turning a sallow yellow shade on my abdomen.
Dressed and dry, Dad helped me over to bed where I collapsed thankfully, Dad lay down beside me, and I curled up under the arm he lay over my shoulder. Remus opened the door and he carried a large breakfast tray, adorned with cups and a teapot as well as hot toast and crumpets. I couldn't eat but took a small cup and it filled with tea automatically. The two men ate quietly; Remus sat facing Dad on the bed, resting against the lower board of my bed. "I owled Molly, she'll be here tonight, she has to sort everything at home and with Arthur." I curled up into Dad and he stroked my back lovingly. I couldn't help but notice the warmth of fresh tears falling against the back of my neck. The men fell silent and I almost felt myself drift to sleep but there was a large crack and Kreacher appeared in the room, a small envelope in his hands. "Arrived for the wolf." Remus took it and Kreacher cracked himself away again. Dad shook his head and kissed the top of my head, taking another piece of toast.
A little relief seemed to pass over Remus's face and I couldn't help but feel the relief wash from his to me, the tight clasps on my heart becoming weaker. "He's been charged. Four Years." The clasps were almost completely gone now and I kissed Dad's chest thankfully. Dad sighed with relief and Remus smiled weakly as I caught him watching me again. Dad's fingers played with the damp curls that fell across my back and I curled up happily against him. "Who sent it?" Dad's question echoed through the room and Remus looked almost reluctant to say. "It's from Severus. He says that he hopes Lena's okay." Felt a tiny pang on hope and snuggled closer against Dad's hard chest. I could feel Dad shaking his head and Remus shot him a look that I knew meant that he didn't approve of Dad's manner. "When will you get over it Sirius?" Dad shook his head again and I felt my cheeks glowing, knowing they meant Severus. "Snape is a dirty, greasy, turncoat, and if I had my way, he'd have nothing to do with the Order, or the kids." Anger flushed my veins and a deep stab of pain caused me to flinch a little. Remus handed me a small glass of potion and I took it gratefully. "Professor Snapes not that bad Dad. He's okay." My voice was weak and while Dad looked down at me with a little shock, Remus looked at me questioningly. "He is." I shook my head and pulled myself even closer into Dad's chest. "Still a grease ball in my eyes." It was only a mutter but it stung heavily.
We lay on the bed till late in the evening, Remus brought his book up and was reading it quietly, every now and again discussing little sections with Dad who continued to play with my hair and at some point in the afternoon I felt myself drift into a dreamy sleep where I lay in Severus's arms, watching as Remus fell from Gryffindor tower. I awoke to see Remus sat watching me quietly while Dad slept, his fingers still against my back. We watched each other for a while, a battle of wills to see who would look away first, but as Dad awoke with a start we both looked away, my eyes falling on a small owl who was banging her beak against my bedroom window, hooting occasionally to try and catch someone's attention. "It's Iris, let her in." I sat up in bed and Remus jumped up before I could make a move, letting the small brown owl float in and land in my lap, hooting happily as I stroked her wings. I took the small letter from her leg and recognising the small beautiful script upon it, I put it aside, into my bedside draw. Both men looked at me questioningly but I shrugged and they looked away unhappily. I curled back under Dad's arm and Iris lay in my cupped hands, hooting as I fussed her. She was a little bigger now, but that hadn't ended Pigwidgeon's designs on her and she continued to act like a hoity toity little miss. She'd give in one day though, and man would Pig be happy.
"Hello, Hello?" Molly's voice stirred us all and she pushed the door open with her hip, a large tray laden with bowls of fresh stew and bread, resting in her hands. Remus took the tray from her and she came to my side of the bed, her skirts spreading around her as she perched on the bed beside me. "Lena darling, how are you?" She hugged me tightly and I responded quietly, "I'm okay thanks Molly." She sat back and looked down at me, "What was that boy thinking, you look so tired Lena." I smiled weakly and she stroked my face kindly. "Oh and with only these two to look after you! You should have owled me sooner!" I smiled and both Dad and Remus looked severely offended, "I'm more than capable of looking after my own daughter Molly." I laughed a little, Dad's voice revealing the fact he'd felt put out at her comment. "And I think we're capable of looking after a teenage girl Molly. We may be men but we still know a thing or two." Molly looked at me purposefully as Remus stood, his arms folded tightly against his chest. "Yes Remus my dear, of course you do," she said a giggle in her voice and she winked at me squeezing my hand.
A pain struck my heart so hard that for a second I didn't think I'd breathe again. It wasn't pain for what had happened, but more a pain for what hadn't happened. Dad and Remus had done a fine job yes, but when they were asking if I was okay it was more a physical concern than an emotional one, and it was clear neither men knew how to deal with the situation. I needed my mum, and seeing Molly only reiterated it. I wasn't okay, not fine, not happy, and yes the pain was there physically, knowing at me with every movement, but what hurt more in this moment was the realisation that head mum had been there she would have made sure I was okay emotionally. Sure, Dad and Remus had both been crying their own tears last night after what happened, but I couldn't help but feel it wasn't for what had actually happened to me, but more for the fact that they hadn't been able to prevent it happening, and I couldn't stop the huge sense of loneliness that shrivelled my heart.
Everyone ate quietly, but I refused my bowl and sat, curled up, watching as Iris flew circles around my ceiling. When everyone had finished and the bowls were piled high on the tray, Molly's voice rang rather sharply across the room, "Right both of you out, Lena needs some sleep, go on, out." Dad kissed me goodnight quietly and they left the room, the heavy tray in Dad's arms. Molly came over to the bed and fluffed the pillows vigorously before taking the place where Dad had lay. I curled up in her arms and her chest rose and fell slowly beneath my head as I let the tears fall gently, "Oh Lena," there was a small sob in her voice and I realised that this was somewhat of a shock to her and I knew she was thinking of Ginny. She shushed me quietly and eventually my tears ran out. Darkness had fallen and Molly took her wand from the pocket of her skirt, and with a flick the curtain slid heavily across the curtains, the candles bursting into flame in their holders.
"You know dear, you can tell me anything, I won't tell anyone, not even that nosey father of yours, I just want to make sure you're okay." I squeezed her tightly and she kissed my head gently. I turned in her arms and led in the centre of the bed, facing her as she sat propped against the headboard. "I want my mum." She smiled weakly and took my hand, her fingers calloused but soft from hard work. "I hadn't really missed her till today. Like I miss her, but I guess there's always so much going on that I've not really had a chance to miss her." She squeezed my fingers, "You know I'm always here if you need to talk Lena, I'm only an owl away."
"If I tell you something Molly, you promise you won't tell Dad?" She nodded silently and I sat looking into her eyes as I contemplated what to do. "I've met someone, and well last night, we were going to…" She smiled gently and I waited for a reaction, "that's perfectly normal dear, you're 18, no one can stop you, not even at Hogwarts." "It hurts more knowing it won't be him though, it will always be Ambrose." I spat his name unconsciously and Molly squeezed my fingers tightly. "Your first time's what you make it Lena. What that boy did, it was evil, wrong, and there was no love behind it, your first time making love can still be with this other boy, sex means nothing if it's not for love Lena." I smiled weakly up at her, her eyes kind and glowing in the candlelight.
"What if he doesn't want me now though? What if he thinks, what if he thinks I'm dirty?" my voice broke and Molly took my face in her hands, forcing me to look up at her, "Lena you are not dirty. You had no choice in what happened, and if this boy thinks that of you, he doesn't deserve you." A single tear slipped from my eye and I squeezed her tightly.
"Does it always hurt so much? I felt like I was going to die." She shook her head. "Your body wasn't ready for it, it didn't want it Lena, for a girl to take someone, her body has to want it, be ready for it. And it was your first time, it was going to hurt. Next time, it might still hurt, but you'll get used to it and eventually you won't even realise your body changes." I shook my head and lay back down, Molly's arms wrapped around me softly. I fell into an untidy slumber and my dreams were patched up moments from the other night, the feel of stone restraints around my wrists and the uncomfortable warmth as I'd split when he tore me.
And when I finally woke up, I was just exhausted as the night before, my body sore and stinging, when would the pain end.