Pulling myself up from the sheets, I realised I wasn't alone and pushing aside the drapes around my bed found Remus sleeping softly in an armchair beside my bed, his book led open heavily on his lap. I drank a large glass from the bottle of Pain tonic that someone had left beside my bed and my stomach growled unhappily. I lay back on the pillows and watched the gentle rise and fall of Remus's chest as he slept.
What the hell was I doing? I couldn't help but be taken in by Remus when he was around me but my heart still collided excitedly with my ribs when I even considered the idea of Severus. Maybe Ambrose was right, maybe I was a whore. I just couldn't help myself. Remembering the letter yesterday, I rolled to face the window, taking the letter from the drawer beside the bed. I slid my finger beneath the seal and it broke open in my hand.
Lena,
I don't know what to say, it seems odd having to talk to you this way when I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, to reassure you and care for you.
Everything feels wrong here without you already, but I know that you need some time.
Know that I love you and will be waiting
Please, just tell me you're okay,
Yours Always
Severus.
I folded the letter back up and placed it back in the drawer, taking a fresh piece of parchment and a quill from the drawer.
I wish I could tell you everything was okay, but I won't lie, It hurts so much Severus, I can barely move. Everyone's molly coddling me and I feel like a child again.
I think I need time to get everything sorted in my head, I'm so confused,
Please be patient,
Always, Lena x
I wrapped the parchment tightly and tied it with a piece of string that I tied tightly around Iris's leg. She nipped at my fingers happily and she flew out the open window as I held the curtains open for her. It was still rather dark outside and I watched as Iris's little wings flapped harder as she caught in a breeze. I dropped the curtains and turned to Remus who still slept soundly in the chair. I wanted to shake myself. I was Severus's, I'd promised him that, but here I was fawning over Remus. But I couldn't help it, he drew me in and when he was around I wanted nothing more than to feel the touch of his lips against mine again, to feel his arms holding me, it was as if Severus didn't exist.
I curled back up on my bed, wrapping the sheets around me and lay, watching Remus while he slept. I wondered how long he'd been sat there. I'd lain as still as possible when Molly had left in the early hours, but Remus hadn't been here when I'd stirred not much later. I stood and made my way to the door, opening it as quietly as possible and stumbling across the hallway to the bathroom, my feet still uneasy beneath me. As I sat on the loo, I was shocked at how much blood stained the dark bottoms I wore and sat there, I realised how much was still pouring out of me. Madame Pomfrey had said it would take a few days for the bleeding to stop but I was still shocked to see the vast amounts of it. I washed my skin of the dried blood with a wet cloth that I cleaned out and slid back out across to my bedroom, wearing only the t-shirt I'd worn before, glad of its length, as I held the bloody clothing in my hands. I slipped in through the door quietly, and relieved at the sight of Remus sleeping, I pulled fresh underwear and tracksuit bottoms from a draw. As I slid into the trousers I went to rest quietly on my mattress, facing Remus. His face didn't look as tired or torn when he was asleep and I pressed back on my pillows, sleep taking me once more, and with the knowledge that Remus slept near me, I fell into dreamless sleep.
I woke to feel a gentle pressure against my mouth. I opened my eyes and pulled away slowly. Remus stood a little too quickly and knocked his head against the canopy of my bed. He swore quietly and went to move away, guilt clear on his face, but I caught his hand and bravely pulled him back down to me, and sitting, I took his mouth against mine gently, unable to forget the warmth and comfort that his kiss had given me. His mouth moved gently against mine, his hand in my hair, supporting my head as I kissed him gently. Pulling back from him, I looked up into his eyes and saw the hunger that I'd seen only days before staring back at me. I took his mouth again; hungry for the warmth his lips gave me and his teeth grazed my bottom lip tentatively as I allowed him access to my mouth. His tongue was warm against mine and my hands pulled him down towards me until he sat facing me on the bed, our lips still entwined. He was much gentler than Severus and I felt myself soften beneath his lips, but feeling that too comfortable pooling in my stomach I pulled away from him, dropping my hands to my lap. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." He shook his head, "I kissed you first Lena." The realisation that I'd merely reacted to his touch resonated much better with my heart that yearned hungrily for Severus, not Remus.
Before I knew it, Remus had left without another word and a little part of me called out for him, yearning for that warmth. I shook my head. Severus. I wanted Severus. I needed Severus. But Remus, damn it, he was here, he wanted me and I couldn't help but be excited at the prospect of his touch and warmth surrounding me. I felt myself blushing angrily and I tore from my bed, stomping down the stairs, angry with myself for letting this happen, and with every heavy foot fall against the stair, pain shot up through my legs, through my stomach and around my chest, catching my breath. I stood still at the bottom, my hand tight around the banister. I entered the kitchen quietly to find all the adults sat around the table, including Mr Weasley who greeted me quietly. Instead of taking my normal seat at the table, I collapsed onto the small sofa beside the roaring fire and took the cup that Kreacher passed me. The hot tea warmed me through as Remus's lips had done only moments before, and now he sat at the table, refusing to look at me, instead his head buried deep in the daily prophet. I looked away angrily, what had I done? I was leading him on, and he'd only get hurt. But he'd kissed me first, both before Hogwarts and now. Yet that didn't stop the fact that I'd kissed him knowing that somewhere, Severus might still be waiting for me.
I curled myself up and with a flick of my wand the flames in the fireplace flared and danced happily. Kreacher came to stand beside me, in his hands was a large fluffy blanket and he bowed his head for me to take it. I wrapped it around myself and thanked the elf who walked away quite happily, only for Dad to turn to me, addressing the room. "Why is it then that that stupid elf treats Lena like royalty and me like trash!?" I smiled up at Dad, drinking my tea quietly. "Maybe you should try a little respect Sirius." Remus stood from the table, his face dark and left the room without a single glance in my direction. Guilt washed through me and mingled with the pain in my stomach. Dad sat and stared moodily out of the dark window beside Kreacher's cupboard. "Maybe, Lena, when you're feeling a little better you could take snuffles out for a walk." I looked at him thoughtfully, "Dad, you've already been spotted once, we can't let it happen again." Molly looked between us and smiled proudly, "Yes Sirius, Lena's right, Dumbledore wouldn't want you out and about anyway, not with all the Dementors." Dad looked even more irked and didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the day, and Molly and I spent most of it sat by the fire knitting a jumper for Fred for Christmas.
The next few days fell into the same sort of pattern, no letters from Severus though, and in the mornings I would wake to find the chair beside my bed empty, although a fresh glass of pain tonic always managed to find its way to my bedside at night. I'd been home a week when I woke early one morning to find Remus sat beside me, watching me silently. As my eyes locked his, he stood and went to the door, "Please Remus, can we talk." He looked torn and I sat in bed weakly, as although the bleeding had stopped I found myself exhausted even on waking, my body worn and tired from fighting the pain over the weekend. His shoulders fell and he came to sit beside me on the bed, his fingers tracing the embroidered flowers on my bed sheets. "I'm sorry Lena." "You shouldn't be sorry Remus, I'm the one that's led you on. I'm so sorry." He looked up at me, his amber eyes glowing and he took my hand, "You haven't led me on Lena, and I've been foolish. Just a foolish, blind old man. Nothing could make a beautiful young woman like you want an old weak man like me." I squeezed his fingers tightly. "You aren't foolish, or old, or weak for that matter. You have no idea how badly I want you sometimes, it's just that, well, I'm with someone and this has all really confused me. Sometimes when I'm with you, it's as if he doesn't even exist."
"Oh Lena," I looked away from him as fire flashed through his eyes and although only brief, it stirred something within me that I'd only ever felt before with Severus. "I wish things were different Remus, but right now, I'm his, " He looked up at me sadly, "it's fine Lena, you should be having fun with someone your own age anyway." I looked away guiltily and my voice was so quiet I thought he might not have heard me, "He's not my age though," the pressure of his fingers squeezing mine almost made me look at him and I flinched seeing the look on his face. It wasn't what I expected it to be, I expected maybe pain or judgement, but jealous eyes stared back at me, "He's older?" I smiled weakly and a look of shock passed over his face. My stomach was in knots now and I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins. "And you've been seeing him at Hogwarts?" I couldn't look at him and stared at the small sliver of light shining through my curtains as I nodded only slightly, knowing he'd get there soon enough. We sat in silence for a while but Remus broke it eventually, his voice quiet but knowing, "Since that night, when he showed up?" I shook my head, tears spring at my eyes, ready for the Remus's anger to smash into me, "Since that first night?" His voice was broken and full of sadness and I let the tears roll as I nodded gently. "Second best to Severus Snape, there's a first time for everything I suppose." I snapped my hand from his grasp, his boyish hate biting at my skin. "I didn't mean it like that Lena. Well, actually, I suppose I did, but it's true, who ever thought Severus would be the one to get the girl."
"You're all the same aren't you? You still hate each other. Even after all these years." My voice was quiet but Remus flinched regrettably. "I've never hated Severus, apart from maybe moments ago when I realised it was he who had your heart." I couldn't look at him, "You won't tell Dad, will you?" He looked at me sadly, that same torn expression on his face, but he shook his head tightly, "Not unless you want me to?" It would certainly be easier if Dad knew, no more secrets, no more hiding, but he'd kill Sev for even looking at me, let alone touching me the way he had. "No, please don't." Remus nodded and stroked the back of my hand with his thumb. "All this time and no one knows?" I shook my head and he raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Harry guessed, as did Dumbledore, but McGonagall saw it I think, in the way he looked at me. And Ambrose, God knows how he found out but he did." I looked into his eyes and something woke in me that Severus had never even touched upon, a need and want passed thought my veins and I wanted nothing more than to reach out and kiss Remus the way I'd only ever kissed Severus. "If Severus wasn't around Remus, it would be you, and if I'm honest, I don't think he really wants me anymore," I looked down at my lap guiltily, rejection searing my veins, having still no contact since that letter. Remus squeezed my hand tightly as I stoked a stray hair back from his eyes.
"You really need a haircut," He smiled at me, "So could your father." I laughed but grabbed my side in pain, but shook off Remus's kind hand, swearing I was okay. He passed me the pain potion anyway and I took it gratefully. Molly and I spent most of the morning cutting the men's hair and by the time I'd finished with Dad he looked about 10 years younger and much less ragged, although his handsome face still betrayed his good blood, and I couldn't help but notice Molly blush when Dad smiled at her moments later. Iris pummelled against the kitchen window not much later and we let her in quickly. A small roll of parchment was attached to her leg, and seeing that it was addressed to Remus, I passed it to him quickly. "It's from Dumbledore, wants to check you're okay," I nodded and Remus scribbled a reply quickly, sending Iris on her way quietly and she flew out into the lashing rain hooting unhappily. I couldn't help but notice that Remus didn't take his eyes off me at all for the next few days, watching silently and brushing as close to me as he could when we passed in the corridor or on the stairs, and I couldn't help that every time he did so, hunger and want washed through my veins. The pain in my stomach had subsided almost completely now and Molly had left, happy that Dad could take care of me for now, and the house seemed much quieter without her, even though both men seemed to relax immediately.
Members of the Order dropped in several times; wishing me better and I'd been allowed to sit in on several of the meetings with Mad-eye and Tonks. I was glad of the female company but couldn't help but notice that whenever she was near Remus, she couldn't take her eyes of him for much longer than a few seconds, and although Remus didn't appear to register it, for he couldn't take his eyes from me, I couldn't help but feel a little jealous when I woke late one morning to find Remus wasn't beside my bed and instead I found him downstairs in the kitchen talking quietly to the witch. I'd sunk down into my loveseat, glad that now I was there Remus couldn't take his eyes from me and I stretched out my legs, my pyjama bottoms sinking low on my hips, and I watched as that flash of hunger passed over Remus's eyes, Tonks struggling to catch his attention. "Remus, Remus?" She pulled his arm and he look away from me regrettably but I couldn't help the smile that passed over my face, I had him.