The Diego Diaries: Jam-Bore-EEE! (515) edited
-0-Outside the Mayhem ship
Springer waited until everyone was on the hull magnetized, then he rapped the hatch with the barrel of his big, big gun. The hatch opened, the darkness inside beckoning and ominous at the same time. He glanced at Drift, then the others. They grinned. He grinned. Then he slipped inside. The shooting commenced immediately.
-0-Jazz
"There's shootin' on the slagger ship." He glanced at Prime and the others with a slight grin. "I am sure that Springer is showin' them the error of their ways."
The others grinned in spite of themselves. Prime nodded. "Put their traffic on speakers."
The sound of swearing in Cybertronian, shouting and slamming exploded into the room before it leveled out. Given the humans were tuned in, the translators were instructive and in certain places where there were no exact literal translations, similar English words were supplied. (For the sake of this translation those words are capped in quotes ('') -Ed.)
"YOU SLAGGERS! I WILL KICK YOUR AFT! YOU MESSED UP MY FINISH!" -Needlenose, a former high fashion designer turned Decepticon. (No, really.)
"HELP ME FRAG HIM QUICK! THE 'FUCKER' HAS CHEMICAL 'SHIT'! HE CAN SNUFF YOU WITH A STING!" -Drift, grappling with the leader of the Insecticons, Venom
"NOW YOU TELL ME!" BLAM-BLAM-BLAM!BLAM!BLAM! KERPOW! "HE'S STILL UP!" -Sunstreaker, blam-blam-blamming and kerpowing
"SHOOT HIM! 'DAMN'! YOU PUNCHED ME!" -Twin Twist, whining
"SORRY! HIS STINGER CAN WORK EVEN IF HE'S FRAGGED!" -Springer who is not sorry
"I GOT THE WRONG END! WATCH OUT!" -Twin Twist, soon-to-be whining again
BAM-BAM-BAM! PUNCH! SLAM! PUNCH-A-PUNCH-A-SOCK! SLAM! "FRAGGER! STOP FIGHTING!" -Drift, getting peeved in a muy un-Zen like manner
"FRAG YOU, AUTOBOT! DIE!" -Bludgeon, being Bludgeon
BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! "THAT FRAGGER IS DOWN!" -Sandstorm, counting coup
The sound of peds running with the occasional BLAM! or "WHAT THE FRAG!?" and SOCKA-SOCKA-SOCK! *PUNCH!* was heard as the battled began to fall back from the battlers. The fighting went on and on it seemed, forever cursing, forever fighting and shooting. Then it stopped. Everyone including the fascinated and suitably horrified civilian portion of the humans waited expectantly.
"OPEN THE SLAGGING DOOR, CARNIVAC! YOU WANTED ME! I'M HERE, SLAGGER! COME OUT AND MAKE THIS EASY OR WE'LL PULL OUT AND VAPORIZE YOUR SHIP!" -Springer
Silence. Then the sound of a flying body.
"FRAG! SHOOT HIM! CATILLA, YOU FRAGGER!" -Sideswipe, twirling with a cat on his neck
The sound of many guns making short work of one Decepticon felinoid filled the room, then died away.
"LOOK WHAT THAT FRAGGER DID TO MY FINISH! I'M COMING THROUGH THIS DOOR, CARNIVAC, AND CUT YOU, 'BITCH'! OPEN UP!" -Sideswipe flashing his swords in fury
"LOOK OUT!" someone who looked
A melee of sounds cavelled over the sound system, the gathered output of close quarters fighting between incomprehensible forces. The civilian humans glanced at the bots in the room. They were sitting calmly listening. The soldiers in their group were listening hard with cold expressions. They, themselves could plotz. Apparently more of the mayhem team had joined in a rearguard movement and as the civilian humans listened, they nearly had a movement of their own.
Seymour Simmons stood at the edge of the console watching the scene. It was the culmination of a life time of dreams to be where he was watching what he was watching. He felt honored and stoked. Charlotte Mearing was harder to read. She looked like she was taking an order for hamburgers at the Spacely Space Center Drive-In. What she felt she kept to herself.
In the melee, there was screaming, shouting, slamming, punching, blamming, stomping and swearing. It sort of went like this...
"FRAGGER! GET OFF MY FACE!" -good guy
"FRAG YOU! DIE, FRAGGER!" -bad guy
"BLUDGEON'S DOWN! SHOOT HIM AGAIN! SHOOT HIM!" BLAM-BLAM-BLAM! "ENOUGH! HE'S LEAKING 'SHIT'! WATCH OUT!" -nearly everyone in the tight space
"SNARLER WENT THAT AWAY! YOU TWO TAKE HIM DOWN!" -Springer, multi-tasking as he turns around to the door... "CARNIVAC, EITHER OPEN THAT 'FUCKING' DOOR OR I WILL FRAG YOUR BIG FAT 'ASS'!"
"RUCKUS WENT DOWN THERE! I GOT HIM!" Enormous racket and the sound of pounding peds fading away.
"COME IN AND GET US, SPRINGER!" -Carnivac cackling like a psycho, a conclusion upon which Jarro and Rung would probably both concur
"OPEN THE FRAGGING DOOR AND I WILL! WHO IS IN THERE WITH YOU!? HOW IS IT THAT THEY'RE STILL ALIVE!?" -Springer, reeling out the bait
"WHO SAYS THEY ARE!?" -Carnivac, taking it
"WHAT THE FRAG!? YOU LAY A SERVO ON ME AND I'LL RIP YOUR 'BALLS' OFF!" -Battletrap and Flywheels at the same time, two duocons doing a duet
RUCKUS BEGINS BEHIND DOORS AS FRAGGED AUTOBOTS DRIP ENERGON AND LISTEN.
LIKE THAT.
Blams farther away fill the air, then its quieter. The sounds of fighting behind a big steel door take precedence.
"Those idiots are fighting each other." -Sideswipe, stunned
"Carnivac kills his own sometimes. You have to prime him just so and he'll do the job for you." -Springer, amused
"Dumb fraggers." -Drift, disgusted yet somehow good with it
BAM-BAM-BAM, BAM-BAM-BAM, BAM!
Silence.
A rapping sound.
"CARNIVAC! OPEN THE FRAGGING DOOR, YOU 'DUMB ASS'!" -Springer
There was no sound. Then running peds from two different directions gathered at the door. "What's the report?" Springer was heard to ask.
Someone said, "Snarler is no more."
Someone else said, "Ruckus will need a few new plugs for the rivets I gave him. I put him into stasis."
"Good." -Springer
"What's going on here?" someone asked.
"Carnivac is dancin'." -Sandstorm with a big grin
"Frag. That 'heiffer'?" -someone apparently with a working knowledge of cows
"Don't tell him. It'll hurt his feelings, then he'll kill you." -Drift with a smirk
"He can try, the 'fucker'. BRING THE HURT, FRAGGER! I DARE YA!" -Sandstorm, pushing his luck
The battle continued inside.
"Better tone it down, Sandy. Gypsy isn't here to paste ya back together." -someone with an audible grin
"That is one fine stand up little femme. Did you know I got invited for Christmas Surprise Dinner at their apartment?"
Awws and 'good for you's' made the rounds.
"You need to bring something." -someone
"What?" -Sandstorm
"I don't know. Look it up on the Community Bulletin Board." -same someone
-0-On the ship
None of the Autobots appeared phased at the events or the odd calm conversation floating like a duck on top of the mire of combat and cursing. However, the humans were. The soldiers listened with worshipful expressions. Seymour Simmons looked ready to orgasm. Even Charlotte Mearing showed an intense deeply impressed impression* on her face at last.
(Note … *Uh, that isn't a word is it? It fits somehow anyway though. -Fisitron who is taking down this whole portion for his abridged History of the Wreckers, Fifth Edition. -Ed.)
"I will." -Sandstorm, who must now bring something
"CARNIVAC OR WHOEVER IS STILL STANDING … OPEN UP!" -Springer
"FRAG YOU, AUTOBOT! I'M SLAGGING BUSY!" CRASH! BOOM! KABLAM! SCREAMING! FIGHTING! FIGHTING! MAYHEM! -Carnivac, hoisting his own petard
"I don't think he's interested in dancing with ya, Springer." -Sandstorm offering helpful advice
"I think you're losing your charisma, boss." -someone snickering out of swinging range
A moment of intense slag and mockery fill the air. Then silence.
"I think you have it." -Drift
"What?" -Springer
"Charisma." -Drift
"You have to. You're bonded." Twin Twist, smirking
"I don't HAVE to think that. I just do." -Drift clarifying with a gimlet optic
"You do. Have to that is. You gave up free thinking when you bonded. Didn't you read the fine print?" -Springer who was enjoying the show inside and outside with more gusto than was decent
"Frag. I didn't. Was I sober?" -Drift with a grin
"You're asking ME!?" -Springer, equally smirking
General laughter, mockery and slag makes the rounds. Then silence but for the fighting behind the door.
"How long do you think they're going to beat the 'crap' out of each other?" -someone, who really didn't care but just asked to break the silence
"I don't know. Forever?" -someone asked to great laughter
:Kup to Springer:
The call was filtered through the line everyone was listening to so it was translated into the bridge as well as Springer.
"What?" -Springer, what whatting
"Where the frag are ya, youngling? I'm over here mopping up a slagging." Kup, perturbed
"We're on the transport. The one with the Mayhem team." -Springer
"Frag. You want us to come over? I got an old guy with me I want you to meet." -Kup
"WHO YOU CALLING OLD, KUP!?" -gnarly old voice exploding over the line
"Ignore that. We're on our way." -Kup, chastened. Maybe.
"There's bodies and all manner of 'crap' along the way forward. Watch out. We put Venom down. He's leaking. So is Catilla. Probably Snarler. You get the idea." -Springer, being helpful through the body count
"Got it. Kup out." -Kup, out
"Who do you think he's bringing?" -Sandstorm, who was interested in someone other than himself for a change
"Says he's an old geezer. Could be Unicron." -someone, to general laughter and hooting
"We'll know in a minute. Here comes his ship." -someone looking out a porthole
Minutes pass, mayhem continues, then Kup's voice filters over the intercom.
"What the frag is going on here?" -Kup arriving with guest stars in the sickest sitcom ever
"They won't surrender and Carnivac is reading 'em from the book." -Springer, grinning as he explains the 'biblical' currently going on on someone's ass
"Leviticus no doubt." -Kup, enjoying the joke
"Who's the old coot?" -someone says and lives to regret it
"WHO THE FRAG ARE YOU CALLIN' OLD, YOUNGLING! I WAS FIGHTING DECEPTICONS BACK BEFORE YOUR OLD GREAT GRANDATAR WAS A GLEAM IN THE ENERGON DELIVERY MECH'S OPTICALS! THERE ISN'T A GREAT OFFICER IN THIS MECH'S ARMY THAT I DIDN'T TRAIN UP AND YOU BETTER NOT FORGET IT! GET OUT OF THE WAY AND LET ME SHOW YOU HOW TO GET THAT DOOR OPEN AND THE SLAGGERS PUT DOWN! TELL THEM, KUP!"
-0-On the Phobos
Everyone listened. Then everyone smiled.
Everyone.
Ironhide glanced at Alor who glanced at Blackjack who glanced at Prime. Prime grinned in spite of himself.
"Optimus … who is that?" Will Lennox asked.
Everyone turned to him with a grin. Ironhide looked down at the humans on the console. "That is one of the eight wonders of the universe. That, Will Lennox, is Old Hercy."
-0-TBC November 15, 2013
NOTE: Its pronounced Old Herky. :D