Fionna—is a 13-year-old adventurer and Cake's adoptive sister. While usually appearing as black dots, her eyes are seen as blue when enlarged. She wears a rabbit-themed hat (similar to Finn's bear-themed hat) with exposed locks of blonde hair. Unlike Finn, her neck is shown. Her outfit includes a teal blue shirt with elbow-length sleeves, a dark blue skirt, and knee-high socks with two thin horizontal stripes at the top. Fionna is heavier set than. She has a green backpack (similar to Finn's) and Mary Jane shoes. Her name was officially changed from "Fiona" to "Fionna," presumably to make it more similar to Finn's name. The pronunciation, however, has remained unchanged. Like Finn and his crush on Princess Bubblegum, it is revealed in many portraits posted that Fionna has a crush on Prince Gumball. Fionna has buck teeth like a rabbit. Fionna, like Finn, is Cake's adoptive sister.
Cake—Fionna's best friend/adoptive sister and Mo-Chro's girlfriend. She doesn't look much like Jake aside from their body proportions. She has white eyes in which the black pupils become circular if surprised, excited, shocked, or scared. She has a cat muzzle and a small nose (compared to Jake's), cat ears, white fur with many coffee colored spots, and a large bushy tail. Cake may know Morse code in order to speak to Lord Monochromicorn, similar to how Jake knows Korean in order to speak to Lady Rainicorn. Cake plays a hammered dulcimer, as opposed to a viola. Her tail "frizzes out" if it is agitated or worried. As a Lumpy Space 'cat', she is a light color of maroon with large spots of fuchsia to match her coffee-colored spots. Her tail is now lumpy and more beaver-tail-like.
Xochitl-Xochitl is an orc queen, who is considered a brute to her subjects. She always pinches them for her own pleasure and treats them like slaves, which leads them to become more subservient and filled with fear. She is tall, with slimy green skin, yellow eyes, and a skull-like nose. She is very bulked and muscular, similar to the other orcs. She wears a golden tiara with red, orange, and yellow leaves. She wears a purple dress with red leggings, and wears a lot of pearls, gold, and silver. Her carnivore teeth are both gold.
Gabby-Gabby is the Royal Orc Chief of Staff. Compared to the other orcs, she is small. She is short, with dark green skin. Her ears are pointed and she has a small nose. She wears a dress apparently made out of a burlap sack, and her arms and legs are covered in cloth.
THE QUIET QUEEN
Title Card
Fionna sits, unhappily, on her throne as Cake sits next to her, looking pleased.
(Cake's voice) "Let me tall ya'll about Fifi the Queen."
Fionna sat in her throne, looking grumpy and displeased. Her sword lay on her leg, unused.
"See how she looks messed up about somethin'? You're probably thinking, 'Isn't this the girl who sucker-punched the banshee at the bottom of Nolyrc Trench'? And wasn't she all, 'Yeah, I socked the amnesibeast of the Forgettful Forest?" Cake nodded and waved her hand 'wait.' "Yeah, I was there. But hold up, because after she took care of the Orc Queen, Xochitl, everything starting going South. Let me tell you about Fifi's reign of royalty."
A FEW WEEKS EARLIER...
"THE ORCS HAVE SUFFERED LONG ENOUGH, XOCHITL!" Fionna cried from behind the flipped-over wagon she was hiding behind. Usually, orcs were brutal creatures, mean and nasty, but these orcs were perfectly nice, just frightened from their awful queen. "WE'RE GONNA DE-QUEEN YOUR BEHIND!"
"Who do you think you're kidding?!" Xochitl yelled. "These Orcs love me, RIGHT?" She kicked the two orcs she was riding on with her heels. They let out small yelps of pain.
"We don't like you! We hate you!" One of the Orcs cried.
"Pffft, yeah right. You love me."
"You have some serious issues, girl!" Cake called, poking her head over the wagon edge.
"MY ISSUE IS YOUR FACE!" Xochitl raised the ruby scepter she held and waved it. A ball if blue flames shot at them. Cake grabbed her sister around the middle and leaped out of the way just before the wagon went in flames.
Cake took her paws and stretched them over to Xochitl, ready to grab her. However, just as she wrapped her arms around the Orc queen, Xochitl leaped into the air and ball after ball of blue flame at them. Fionna raised her ruby sword at one, sending it firing back at Xochitl. It hit her clean in the gut. As she was groaning in pain, Fionna punched her jaw.
Xochitl tumbled right onto the street. As Fionna and Cake ran after her, she ran to the edge of the town, ten feet away. "You're done, Xochitl!" Fionna called out. "Your reign of fear is over!"
"You may have beaten me this time," cried Xochitl, "But I-" She cried out as a rock his her square in the nose.
Fionna and Cake snickered.
"You'll regret this, Fionna and Cake!" With a turn of both arms, Xochitl was gone in a puff of smoke.
"And stay out, muffin top!" Fionna exclaimed.
They both heard cheerful cries. In a minute, the entire kingdom of the Orcs were piled onto the street, cheering and clapping crazily. Fionna and Cake were lifted up by their hands (kinda uncomfortably, since they had sharp nails) and were carried off.
In no time at all, the entire cluster of citizens burst through the front doors of the castle. Once inside, they set them down in front of the throne, still chanting "Fionna and Cake! Fionna and Cake! Fionna and Cake!"
A little, tiny Orc, skinny and frail in a burlap dress, ran up to them with a beaming smile. "Great job!" She fell down on her knees before the two girls. "You've freed us! My name's Gabby, Royal Orc Chief in Staff."
"I'm Fionna, and this is Cupcake. It's nice to meet you." She held out a hand to Gabby.
Gabby let out a frightened squeal and fell on her back. "No! PLEASE, NO!"
Fionna, baffled, drew her hand back. "Are you OK?"
"I apologize," Gabby said softly. "I have not known a friendly gesture in...some time...You see, Xochitl enjoyed being a brute to all of us."
Xochitl let out a snarling laugh, looking down at the bowing Orcs before her. She stood, beaming. "Iiiiiit's PINCHING TIME!" She ran down to the Orcs and began pinching at their skin, causing them to flinch and yelp like frightened animals. "Oh, hush. You know you love it."
...
The sun was setting over the land, sending an array of colors, red, rose, and purple, across the sky above. Xochitl sighed...and began pinching the Orcs...
...
The Orcs gathered around the gravestone sadly, tears streaming down their faces. The Orc's wife stood before the grave and began to speak. "We come here today to mourn the loss of our-" She was cut off by Xochitl suddenly pushing her down, jumping on top of her and pinching her all over. She turned to the Orcs once, with a sad expression. "I am so sorry for your loss." She went back to pinching the female Orc.
...
"We need a better queen." Gabby smiled up at Fionna. "Mayhaps you...?"
There was a murmur of agreement through he crowd.
"No thanks, guys." Fionna declined politely. "I'm an adventurer. I don't have time to rule a kingdom."
"Fifi," Cake nudged her sister. "Orc queens get to do a lot of great stuff. You should be the queen!"
Before Fionna could answer, an elderly little Orc spoke up. "If there's no queen to tell me not to start a riot," she said, "I could...start a riot..."
A teenage, rebellious Orc in the back let out a cheer. "YEAH! NO RULES!" She yelled. "START THAT RIOT!"
In the blink of an eye, everything went into chaos.
A pair of Orcs flipped over a table on top of a little one. Many were running around, clanging things together to make noise. A fire went of somewhere in the room. A sound like a roaring dragon erupted. People were laughing, screaming, cheering, and crying.
"Oh, PLEASE, Fionna!" cried Gabby. "We need a queen to rule us!"
Fionna took a deep breath. This was a lot to put on her. What did queens do? Would she ever be able to adventure again? How long would she be queen?
"STOP. THIS. RIOT!"
Everyone froze as if Fionna had pressed the pause button.
"I WILL BE YOUR QUEEN!" Fionna lowered her voice. "To save you all from yourselves."
"Yesssss..." Cake said to herself.
"WE HAVE A NEW QUEEN!" Gabby proclaimed excitedly.
There was a booming cheer. Fionna couldn't help but smile."
"You're tiara, my queen." Fionna felt something being put on her head. She raised a hand. The tiara was a simple circle made out of red, orange, and yellow leaves, like a flame.
"Hey!" Cake's voice cried out. "Fifi's gonna need a king!" She paused. "I'll do it."
There was another cheer.
"What a joyous day!" Gabby cheered.
"Let me show you to the grounds, your majesties," Gabby said as the two girls walked down the carpeted hallways of the palace.
"Show me what we got, Gabby!" Cake said, jumping up and down in a childish manner. "Show MEEEE!" She tugged on Fionna's arm. "Fifi, I'm so excited!"
"Yeah, I know."
"This is the Baby Orc Nursery," Gabby proclaimed. They were now standing in a nice, light room with green walls and a tile floor. Bed after tiny bed sat inside, with gurgling, crying, and giggling baby Orcs. "Baby Orcs abandoned by their families are brought here." She frowned. "Xochitl used to use them for pinching."
Fionna winced. Xochitl really was bad.
"The Royal Game Archive complete with control seats!" Gabby exclaimed. The entire room was a blur of flashing lights, a very big game console, and two places to stand.
Fionna and Cake oohed and aahed at their silver, full-body suits.
"The Royal Serpent Stables!" The stables were a gigantic cave with red rock and damp, hot air. Serpents, fire-breathing and snarling, slithered around. Fionna imagined being able to ride one of them...
"The Garden of Moving Fountains!" The garden was filled with circular fountains, sparkling in the sun. The fountains were filled with stone statues of Orcs, all moving, cheering and yelling and dancing.
Cake let out a squeal.
"And finally the royal bedroom."
The room had golden walls, a red floor, and one gigantic dresser. In the center was a bed with bright gold and red blankets and big, fluffy pillows. Cake looked unsure. "Could you make that two beds?"
"Yes, my king." Gabby turned around. "SILENT DANYELL!"
A stone statue, with no mouth and stone hair, moved to her right, and flipped a giant blue switch. A gigantic knife descended out of nowhere, slicing the bed clean in half. A clad moved down and picked up the bottom half, dropping it on an overhead shelf so that the two halves resembled a bunk bed.
"I call top!" Cake said instantly, and jumped onto the top half.
"And for you, my queen," Gabby held up a book (with odd strength) as thick as Fionna's arm length. "The Royal Rule Book."
Fionna gawked at the book. She was going to have to read that entire thing? "Oh, bumps..."
"Oh, do not fret, your highness." Gabby said quickly. "I shall read it to you."
Cake spoke up at once. "Gabby, have the servants wake me for brunch."
"Yes, your highness."
"And make arrangements for a body wax. Wanna look good tomorrow."
"I'll have the Royal Waxer schedule an appointment."
With that, Cake fell right to sleep. As she did, a rabbit ducked under her head for a pillow and a tiger covered her body.
"Let's hear those rules, Gabby." Fionna told her, laying back. "I'm here to serve and protect the Orc Kingdom."
"'Introduction, colon, the 623 rules were established in moon year fifteen in response to elder Gorflixi's requests for an organized response to bike thefts caused by the chaotic fallout from the Great Fungi War, period. An exploratory rules committee was hastily established by executive order..."
Gabby's voice began to grow fainter. Fionna tried to bring it back, but it was only a whisper now. She felt two large animals (cougars? panthers?) crawled around her, comforting her body.
She fell asleep to the rhythm of the animals' breathing.
"Awaken, your highnesses!"
Fionna woke up to Gabby's voice in the morning. Above her, Cake groaned and rolled over. "No way, Gab." She pulled the tiger up closer.
Fionna, however, sat up, letting the panthers slip away. "Your majesty," Gabby said, walking up to her, "We have much to do."
Fionna yawned. "Let's do it."
"This is where you may perform your daily processes, your highness." Gabby said as they approached a door so big it reached the twenty-foot ceiling above. She took hold of the door handle and opened it easily.
Fionna stared inside. "Whoa..."
The bathroom had blue walls and a tiled floor with a chandelier on the ceiling. Two pictures, a boat and a beach, were on either walls. A mirror on the far wall reached from the floor to the ceiling, with a square cut out for a sink. Two Orcs stood on either side.
"Blue," Fionna smiled, "Blue's my favorite color."
Gabby beamed. "Come, your highness. It's time for you to brush your teeth."
"OK." Fionna walked up to the sink and picked up the deep blue toothbrush-
The two Orcs cried out and moved towards her. "Don't, your highness! Let us brush your teeth!"
As they made a grab for the toothbrush, Fionna jumped back. "Ease up, girls. Fionna access only."
The Orcs let out yelps of terror. "She's a rule breaker!" "Like Xochitl!" They held out their arms, as if they expected a pair of cuffs to be slapped on. "Don't pinch us too hard..."
"Spare them, your highness!" Gabby ran in front of them and held out her tiny arms. "Pinch me, instead! SET MY ARMS ON FIRE!"
"Hold up now," Fionna told them. "What rules are you guys talking about?"
"The ROYAL Rules." Gabby said. "In the book of Royal Rules I read to you last night! Rule forty-seven, the queen shall not brush her own teeth. The rules must be upheld..."
Fionna sighed. "Oh...Well, put your arms away. I'm not like Xochitl."
"We may...brush your teeth, your majesty?" Gabby asked softly.
"No," Fionna said, "I'm here to help you, Gab. I don't need you to help me."
Gabby whimpered. "B-but the...rules..."
Fionna scoffed with a smile. "Whatever to the rules, right?"
There was a beat of silence.
"ANARCHY!"
Gabby delivered a punch to one of the Orcs. The other one stood frozen, screaming.
"OK! YOU GUYS CAN BRUSH MY TEETH!" Fionna exclaimed. She was torn. If she didn't let these gals do what they wanted, they'd go into chaos. If she did, they'd be...weird...
The Orcs cheered and took out their toothbrushes.
"Man, this brunch looks great." Fionna said as she looked at the table before her: chicken, corn, butter-beans, and mashed potatoes with gravy. Her mouth still hurt. The Orcs had used their fingers to open her mouth as wide as possible, and their fingernails had cut the inside and edges of her mouth. She would have to eat carefully.
She picked up her knife and fork and moved them towards the hot chicken-
"I will cut that, your highness." Gabby said next to her.
"Gabby, I order you to let me cut it." Fionna sighed, hoping these rules weren't going to get too out of hand.
"I'm sorry my queen," Gabby said with a nervous smile, "but the Royal Rules state that I must cut it."
Fionna groaned in frustration. "I'm cutting it, Gabby!" She brought the knife to the chicken-
"NO!" In the blink of an eye, Gabby grabbed the knife and fork and cut the chicken to pieces. Then, smiling, she sat back down.
Fionna glared. "Thanks..." She took her fork and pierced a piece of chicken, pulling it towards her mouth.
"A thousand pardons, your majesty," Gabby spoke up, "You're not going to chew that, are you?"
"...Yes...?"
"I'm sorry, your highness, the rules don't allow that."
Fionna sighed. The tooth-brushing, she could let go. Cutting the food, she could let that pass. But this was going to far. "Gabby, let me do this. No one would know."
"I would know."
Gabby reached over and picked up the piece of chicken and popped it into her mouth. After a few moments of chewing, she leaned over to Fionna plate and spat it all out. Fionna grimaced in disgust. "Cupcake, this is nuts."
"Maybe," Cake shrugged as an Orc spat out a mouthful of food onto her plate. "But rules are rules."
"Eat your food, your highness," beamed Gabby. "I chewed it thoroughly and heated it to Orc body temperature: 26 degrees."
"SIRE! THERE'S TROUBLE IN TOWN SQUARE!" An Orc cried as it burst into the room in a panic.
"Trouble!" Fionna exclaimed. "Now I can show y'all what a queen can do!"
Gabby sputtered. "Bu...bu...b..."
"Come on, Caaaaaaaaauuuuuuh..." Fionna stopped as she looked up. Cake was on a message table, with an Orc rubbing her shoulders and back.
"Just go without...meeeeuh..." Cake sighed happily.
Fionna gave her a bizarre look before shrugging. "Alright. I'll go solo." She made a move to get up, but felt something on her ankle. Looking down, she saw Gabby staring up at her with desperate eyes.
"You can't!" she exclaimed. "The Royal R-" Fionna let her Mary Jane fall off, running for it. "NOOOOOO!"
"Sorry, Gab!" Fionna leaped over the table, over Cake's message table, and finally, out the window. She landed on a rooftop and ran across. She stopped and looked down. A ninja-like Orc was standing over a frail one, who was laying down on the ground. "Help! She's taking my cane! I can't move!"
Fionna landed right in between them, sword in hand. They both gasped as Fionna delivered a punch to the Orc's face, sending her flying. Smiling, Fionna picked up the fallen cane and offered it to the elderly Orc. "Here you go."
He was whimpering. "The new queen...Just as cruel as the last!"
Fionna stared, baffled. "What-?"
She heard shuffling. A group of Orcs had gathered behind her, looking sad. "Please, your highness. Do not slay the old man. Take us instead."
"What the freak?" Fionna span around, accidentally waving her sword. "I wasn't gonna-"
They all cowered from her.
"Please, your majesty," the old Orc said, "Keep the cane."
Fionna sighed. Silent Danyell had been sent to fetch her, and she was now waiting. Fionna climbed onto her back sadly.
"I don't mean y'all any harm,
but y'all just keep showin' me your Orc arms
When I became queen, I didn't think that it would be so drear
But I'll accept my boring fate and shed this tear
'Cause I can't seem to cure you of your groundless fears."
Gabby sat in a feral position on the floor. It was dark, and in her hands, she clutched Fionna's Mary Jane. She was whimpering. "No more pinching...no more pinching..."
The door opened, and she shrieked.
"Gabby, don't be afraid," sighed Fionna, "I'll stick to the rules now."
Gabby stood, trembling, "Your highness, I'm sorry, haven't you heard? Xochitl is returning with an evil army! She's going to reclaim the throne!"
Fionna jumped. "Really?"
"Yes! It's awful!" cried Gabby.
Fionna paused. If Xochitl came back... "Yeah, awful..."
"Come look!" Gabby ran over to the nearby window, which had a window set up in front of it. Fionna hopped off Silent Danyell and looked through the telescope. "Do you see?"
She could see the very edge of the kingdom. She could also see little dots appearing on the horizon, but they were too small to make out. Clicking a little button, Fionna looked again. An army of eye giants were marching towards the kingdom. Clicking the button once more, Fionna could see a cackling Xochitl riding the one in front.
Gabby fainted and fell to the floor.
"Stay fainted, Gabby," Fionna said. "I'm about to go break some rules."
Fionna ran down the yellow-tiled hallway, panting softly and calling, "Cupcake! Cupcake! Where you at?"
Fionna stopped when she noticed Silent Danyell standing across the hall from one particularly small door. "Cupcake?"
"I'm in here!"
She opened the small door, and a waft of steam let out. Cake was sitting at the far wall (which was five feet away) on a bench, her eyes closed, a towel wrapped around her body. A little barrel of hot water sat in the middle, filled with hot coals, wafting out steam every second. "You gotta try this, Fifi. The Royal Sauna. Like you're wrapped in a big, hot cloud."
"Xochitl's back with an army of eye giants," Fionna exclaimed, "We gotta go bust them up!"
"But everyone's gonna go bonkers if they think you've left your queen station. You remember how it got all crazy." She patted the bench next to her. "Just hide in here with me until everything bowls over."
"Xochitl can't regain the throne, Cupcake!"
Cake sighed and opened her eyes to look at her sister. "Alrighty, then. How do we do this?"
Fionna turned around to look at Silent Danyell.
"What if they figure it out?" Cake asked her sister as the two of them darted away from the castle.
"I think we're good."
"If I'm honest, your highness, when I am scared, I feel most safe in your lap." Gabby sniffed.
Silent Danyell, with a Fionna-mask on and the tiara on her head, said absolutely nothing.
Fionna and Cake ran to the top of the hill. Down below, the army of eye giants and an army of Orcs stood face-to-face. Xochitl glared them down from the leading eye giant. "LINE UP FOR YOUR PINCHINGS!"
The Orcs whimpered and trembled.
Fionna and Cake began to run. While they did, Fionna turned to Cake. "The Orcs can't see me being unqueenly! I need a disguise!"
"Hop in my mouth!"
Fionna did so. It felt kinda gross, wet and...UGH...but only a moment later, Cake had morphed herself into a body suit of fur. The only visible part of her was her face.
"Who among you has the courage to face Xochitl?" Xochitl cried down to the Orcs.
No one said anything.
Fionna/Cake ran through the crowd, the Orcs getting out of her/their way quickly. When she/they reached the front of the crowd, she/they cried out, "I DO! YOUR REIGN OF TERROR WILL NOT CONTINUE!"
"One person has the courage to face me?" Xochitl smirked. "I salute you, foolish warrior."
Fionna/Cake jumped up on their/her feet. She/they balled her hand into a fist, and socked the eye giant in its one eye. A waterfall of tears poured out, and it fell to the ground. Xochitl jumped off just in time. Fionna/Cake kicked the eye of another, and the eyes of two more. Then, Fionna/Cake used her/their stretchy-powers to make tons of arms other than her/their normal two. They all hit the eye giants in their eyes. One by one, they all fell to the ground.
Xochitl let out a cry of anger. "HOW IN AAA?!"
"No one uses eye giants without glasses, girl," Fionna/Cake smirked.
Xochitl snarled. "I had a limited budget!" She vanished in a puff of smoke.
She reappeared a moment later in the air behind them. "TAKE THIS!" She flung a ball of blue flames at them. Fionna/Cake whipped our her/their ruby sword and deflected it, sending it into a nearby rock.
Right when Xochitl was about to attack again, she froze. "Wait. Do I know you?"
"NO!" Fionna/Cake said quickly.
Xochitl threw ball after ball of blue flames at them/her, over and over. Fionna/Cake hit one with her/their sword once again. Xochitl dodged it with a quick reflex. She disappeared in smoke, and then reappeared a moment later on the ground between two eye giants. She was cackling like a witch-when a ball of flame hit her square in the chest. She fell to the ground five feet away, her scepter falling from her hand.
Fionna/Cake stepped over and picked up the scepter. Fionna/Cake then popped it into her/their mouth and swallowed.
There was an exploding round of cheers from the Orcs. In a moment, they were all around the two girls/girl, lifting them/her up into the air, just like before.
Fionna dropped her voice to a whisper. "Hey, Cupcake, do you think they'd be cool with changing a few rules if I show them who I really am?"
Something big, scratchy, and wet wiped all over her face. Fionna sputtered in disgust, her face wet with saliva. Cake had licked her entire face. "That's not an answer."
"Ri row." Cake snickered, the sound muffled. Fionna couldn't help but smile.
They were taken straight to the castle, and Fionna felt a case of deja vu coming. They were dropped onto their/her feet. Gabby was on her knees before the throne. "Oh, great queen! With the help of a brave warrior, you have thwarted the eviL Xoxchitl!"
Silent Danyell, the Fionna-mask still on her face, said nothing. A maid standing next to her took Silent Danyell's arm in her hands and raised it.
There was an eruption of cheer. Fionna looked at the group of Orcs around her, then at Silent Danyell. She smirked. "Cupcake, let's get out of here."
"Row ray."
They walked through the front doors easily. Once they were out of earshot, Fionna said, "Looks like they got the queen they wanted, girl."
"Yap."
"And we're going home. High-five ourselves, Cupcake." Fionna/Cake raised one hand, then slapped it with the other.
"Hey, Cupcake?" Fionna asked as the sun began to set in the distance.
"Yeag?"
"Why do your insides smell like strawberries?"
"A with putt a curth un me."
"Huh. Cool."
THE END
"And so endeth the horrible time of Queen Fionna." Cake took a sip of tea. "As for the Orcs' new queen, she ruled a great number of years with prosperity and happiness. As for Fifi and I, we went home. As for the story, it ended."
Fionna appeared in the doorway, frowning. "Cupcake, who are you talking to?"
"No one...?"
(The final two lines were suggested by a Guest :)))