Title: Plan B
Chapter 5 – Trying to Adjust
"Mommy!" Aurora calls out as Severide opens the door to their loft apartment; having just returned from his weeklong somewhat restful sojourn at his father's cabin. Aside from the harrowing ordeal a few days earlier the rest of the stay had been bittersweet as he predicted with Aurora asking about her mother and him doing his damndest to try to explain that Shay was gone and never coming back. It was frustrating to say the least.
But as he stands in the empty entranceway of their quiet dwelling, his mind starts to really come to terms with the fact that moving in with Casey might be for the best. At least there would always be someone there and that's what Shay would have wanted, especially for their beloved daughter. It had to be about Aurora now. First and foremost.
He watches Aurora come running back out to him with a sad expression and knows this isn't going to go away overnight.
"Can't find mommy."
"Yeah I know baby girl. So how about we start to pack a few things up."
"Why?"
"Because…we're going to stay with Uncle Matt for a few weeks."
"Why?"
"Because…he asked and because I think it'd be good for both of us."
"Why?"
Severide stops. Shay had told him that he wasn't just to answer 'because' as that would make her more frustrated but to answer as best he could in short sentences.
'And what happens when the why's get too much?' He recalls asking.
'Just exercise some of that great patience all Severide men are known for.'
'You're kidding right?'
'Yeah I am,' Shay had stated flatly. 'You answer until she gets it. She's only three. It's only going to get harder from here on in.'
'Call me when she's in college.'
His mind offers a sad snicker as he remembers her picking up a small Nerf toy and tossing it at him, muttering something about him on bathroom duty for the next few hours as penance for his lame statement.
"Why daddy?" Aurora's little voice asks, snapping him back to reality.
However, the barrage of 'whys' also got to him and so there came a time when he could only stop or fear his agitated temper would get the best of him and his precious daughter would unfairly bear the brunt.
"Come with me."
So he carries her into his room and pulls out her pink Barbie suitcase. He takes all the clothes she had worn to the cabin and puts them into the laundry hamper and then pulls open the bottom drawer.
"Okay so how about you help out daddy but putting the items from the bottom drawer into your suitcase."
"Why?"
"Because," he simply replies as her soft little brow furrows. "Damn you look like your mother," he whispers in soft torment as she pulls away from him and instead of doing what is asked goes to play with her toys. "Aurora…I said for you to put those clothes into the suitcase."
"No!" She looks at him with a pout. "Want mommy!"
"Yeah…me too," he huffs as he turns and exits the room with a heavy sigh and a whispered curse. He enters the main living area and looks at all the items in front of him and feels his heart literally sink. Where could he start? He hadn't even dared to venture into Shay's bedroom to see about cleaning it out and part of him didn't even want to. But he also knows that she wouldn't want him turning it into some kind of morbid mausoleum and the sooner he started to pack some of her stuff away the way the sooner he figures his daughter will hopefully start to understand that her mother isn't coming back.
Severide dares to venture near the entrance to Shay's bedroom and then stops; his eyes instantly watering as he pictures her smiling face looking up at him with that patented twinkle. "Oh damn," he whispers as he quickly pulls away and leans against the wall as his heart start to race. "I can't do this…" he huffs as he tries to pull away. But morbid curiosity gets the best of him and he looks back into the room and then feels his breath catch once more. However, before despair can swallow him completely, he pulls his phone and first off sends a text to Dawson and then calls Shay's mother, Pauline. He asks both if they can come and help him take care of Shay's personal things as he was literally lost and didn't want to mistakenly throw anything away that might be valuable to anyone other than him. Plus she had her clothes and other things that he just didn't have a clue what to do with. And somewhere in the back of his mind he knows it'll help them all heal a bit more.
'How's it going? Need any help?-Matt'
Severide looks at the text from his friend and can't help but offer a genuine smile as he quickly sniffles and texts back his plan – at least for Shay's things. Then he tells Casey that he'll call his father and have him come over and help; Benny not needing any excuse to come and see his beloved granddaughter.
"I know it'll be tough but you gotta get it done right? Christie is helping me here and as soon as we're done she'll bring Violet over and help Aurora pack some stuff up. Just don't feel you have to do it all at once," Casey tells him over the phone.
"Okay thanks," Severide huffs as he hangs up. He slides down onto the side of the couch. He picks up another picture of the three of them and feels his eyes starting to water once more. But before he can sink too far into his emotional hell, a small tap on his knee makes him look down in haste.
"Look daddy," Aurora holds up a picture she drew.
"Let's see that sweetheart. Okay so…what do…oh man…" his voice dies out in a soft whisper as he cradles his precious daughter close.
"That's you and me and mommy and Uncle Matt."
Severide's cheek rests atop his daughter's head as he holds her close, his lips starting to hum as the corners of his eyes slowly seep tormented tears.
XXXXXXXX
"What is it?"
Casey looks up at his sister just as they moved the small dresser into place. "Kelly. I'm worried about him."
"This will be tough at first but we all know it's best for both of them," Christie states in truth as Casey leans against the wall and looks at her with a heavy frown. "What?"
"After Andy died our friendship strained and for a while there I wasn't even sure we'd continue as friends. Now…now I wonder if he'll come to resent being here."
"You know it will be strained at times right?"
"I do."
"So as long as you tell yourself that, you'll be prepared."
"Will I?" Casey retorts as he pulls away from the wall and heads for the closet. "I want to put a few…shelves…" Casey's voice dies out as he turns around to see Christie watching in concern. "I have to do this. But not just for them. For Shay too. I remember when she first told us all that she wanted to have a baby and um…and it seemed like I was the first to say something to her."
"Matt…"
"I wish she was here."
"Me too," Christie whispers as she gives her brother a warm hug and then looks at him with a smile. "Violet wants to paint Aurora's room."
"Really? She does?"
"Believe it or not, it was her idea. What do you think?"
"I think…it's great," Casey replies with a smile and nod.
"Okay when should we get this done?"
"Tomorrow? But…we need to keep Aurora occupied," Casey ponders audibly.
"How about Pauline? I'm sure if we tell her grandmother our plan that she'll happily take Aurora for the day. We'll get some quick dry, kid friendly paint."
"Okay. I'll tell Kelly later. Come on…let's finish up and get over there."
About an hour later, Casey knocks on the door, relieved to hear some happy chatter coming from inside the usually quiet as of late, loft apartment.
"Hey man…come on in," Severide greets his friend with a friendly smile. "Christie…Violet."
"Hi Kelly," Christie greets with a hug as Violet pushes past with a hello and goes in search of Aurora. "How's it going in here?"
"Dawson is here and so are Shay's parents. My dad's on the way and Mills is bringing some food by in a few hours."
"Sounds like the party's about to start," Casey states with a smile as Christie pulls away from them and goes in search of Dawson and Pauline. "How are you?"
"Uh…better now," Severide admits weakly as he closes the front door; the two of them lingering in the foyer a bit longer. "I am still so uncertain about all this…I mean look at this place. I almost don't know where to start."
"Go and pack up your bedroom and I'll start in here, if you want."
"Matt…"
"I get it. Remember how lost I was when I had to pack up the House? But you helped…the guys helped…Christie helped…we all just took it room by room. Took a few days but we got it all done. We'll do the same here. Everything is ready at my place so…just start with your bedroom okay?"
"Okay. Pauline is putting together a keepsake box for us from Shay's stuff. You know things I can keep for Aurora to show her later. And um…and for me too."
"Shay would want that," Casey tells him warmly as his hand rests on Severide's shoulder and gives it a friendly squeeze. "Come on, let's get started."
Severide gives Casey a nod and then heads toward his bedroom, Casey's mind now fearful for his friend's future wellbeing. He knows that right now Severide is putting on a very brave face for his friends and family because that's what he thinks he needs to do but in reality he should be taking whatever moments to himself he needs. Course I can't say anything because I was just as stubborn!
So with that anxiety ridden thought slowly digesting in his mind, Casey goes about packing up some of the living room stuff that would easily assimilate into his living room. However, knowing that Severide would be much like himself and just tell everyone he would take care of the rest, Casey calls Boden to call the guys and within an hour the whole loft apartment is buzzing with happy energy from House 51.
"Thought he came here to help pack up," Severide nudges Casey as they both watch Benny Severide playing with his giggling granddaughter. "You know from here he almost looks normal," Severide quips.
Casey's lips offer a soft chuckle as he pats his friend on the back and then goes back to directing which large furniture items to put into storage and which will be coming to his apartment.
"Don't look now but Aurora has even more company," Casey's turn to nudge his friend and both pause to look at Boden on the floor with Benny and Aurora.
By the end of the day the majority of the two story loft apartment is packed up and ready to go or already moved into Casey's apartment or a nearby storage facility. Severide hadn't planned to pack up almost everything but he still paid for a whole month's rent so if in a few weeks he and his daughter wanted to move back they could. Casey, however, was hoping they'd both want to stay with him long term. Only time would tell if that wish would be granted.
After all the majority of the work is done, all of them appreciatively enjoy Mills homemade lasagna and sit around the empty spaces, laughing, talking, eating and drinking and offering loving close family support to one of their own.
"Damn I didn't realize how late it was," Severide whispers as Casey comes back into the living room and settles down onto a soft pillow among the few scattered boxes. They both look down at Aurora sleeping on a soft blanket on the floor and then look up and trade smiles. "I'm glad she was kept busy today," Severide muses as he looks up at Casey with a frown. "Thanks for calling the guys. I uh…I just didn't want to burden them you know?"
"Helping family is never a burden. Besides…they know you'd be there for them," Casey reminds him in truth as his body sags a bit further against a box full of books and oddities. He looks around and then back at Severide who is looking down at his daughter with a loving glance.
"I never could have gotten through Shay's stuff on my own. I tried…I couldn't do it," he confesses with a hint of torment as he looks up at Casey in misery. "Even now…it all just seems surreal."
"Trust me I get it. Sometimes…sometimes I think I'm gonna see Hallie…or call her or just…one day be somewhere and she'll just walk into the store or at work…that never goes away I think. So don't try to force it."
"Saying I'm normal?"
"Well…doubt I'd go so far as to say that," Casey retorts with a small chuckle; prompting Severide to pick up a nearby toy of his daughter's and toss it at his friend's head. But a few moments later Severide goes quiet and Casey is quick to gently nudge his friend in wonder.
"Shay had this whole timeline thing. We just started to set some new rules for Aurora. Some chores, teaching her about her piggy bank and saving money when she does something and I just…" his voice trails off as he looks at Casey in remorse. "Now I have to do that all myself."
"Well the money thing is yours to dictate but for the rules and the chores you know I won't mind helping her with that at my…at our new place."
"You sure?"
"Family right. We'll all help you where we can."
"Okay."
"But let's worry about finishing up the move and getting you both settled and then get back to…your regular routine. Or…as regular as it can be. You know children need that structure."
"I know," Severide sighs as he looks back down at his sleeping daughter.
"Well…it's late and…" Casey starts after silence starts to build.
"Yeah…we have nothing to sleep on here," Severide slightly yawns as he looks around with a frown and then back at Casey. "Didn't expect to pack up this much stuff."
"We can get it all ba…" Casey starts only to have Severide quickly interject.
"No I think this will be for the better. I still have the month so…"
"You can always come back," Casey replies softly as he looks at Severide with an expression he hopes will mask his rising disappointment. "But you know the memories will always come with you right?"
"I know," Severide nods. "I'm just surprised. Before your call came I got out the small camcorder and um…I taped this whole place. Something for Aurora you know?"
"I think that's great," Casey offers in truth.
"Just something for each room…with this place still furnished. And for me too."
"For both of you. I think that's a great idea."
The two of them sit in silence for a few moments pondering Severide's latest confession and how it just seemed so – final. But in reality the place was still his if he wanted. If.
"Pauline's taking Aurora tomorrow. You sure Violet wants to paint her room?" Severide finally breaks the silence.
"Hey…" Casey softly snickers as he raises his hands in mock defense, "it wasn't my idea."
"Just tell her to stay away from my room."
"Now I don't know. I think I could see you in a pink room with purple polka dots," Casey retorts with another snicker and grin as Severide looks around for another object to throw.
"No daddy…not Dora."
Severide looks down to see Aurora looking up with a sleepy expression and smiles as he leans down and kisses her on the forehead. "Time for bed sweetie."
"'mmm kay," Aurora whispers sleepily as Severide gathers her up in his arms and then looks at Casey with pursed lips.
"We have to go home. I'll drive."
"Matt…"
"I didn't have as many beers, remember?"
"Okay, but for the record, I am fine," Severide insists as he slowly stands up with his daughter in his arms, wanting to get her ready to go home.
Casey merely nods but knows that his friend's words are just that – mere words. He can tell by the tight jaw and the mournful gazes as he looks around that he's not okay; this whole ordeal is slowly eating away at him from the inside. 'Don't be his parole officer – just be a very close, concerned friend. But if it looks like he'll do something stupid, then by all means call him on it, especially for sake of his daughter.' Boden's words resound in his head as he too slowly stands up and then prepares to head home to get some muchly needed rest. They'd come back the next day to take care of the last few personal items and then gives the keys back and try to start the next stage of the healing process. Nothing was going to be easy.
On the drive to his apartment, he and Severide talk in an undertone while Aurora sleeps in the back in her car seat. Severide mentions he needs to get a booster seat and Casey agrees that he too should get one for his truck so that in case he had to pick up Aurora they'd have that base covered before something happened.
"Goodnight sweetheart," Severide whispers as he kisses Aurora and then pulls her blanket up to her shoulders, flips on the little night light in the hallway and rejoins Casey in the packed living room. "I think she'll be okay here."
"Will you?" Casey asks pointedly.
"Want me to lie?" Severide counters. "Right now…it's like I don't know where I want to belong. Dawson's a mess, Shay's parents…her dad of course holds it in better but when her mom cries…damn I can't…I just lose it."
"You know that might happen for some time yet?"
"And on the anniversary date…hell, going in to work and seeing her chair…or locker or…anything that reminds me of her. I had thought again about leaving 51 but I know she wouldn't want that," Severide exhales heavily.
"No. She'd want you to stay with us…with family."
"Aurora is starting preschool this fall and…damn Matt she wanted to be here for her first day. I just can't…she's going to miss them all."
"Hey you know you won't be alone right? I know it won't be the same…it never will again. Not for any of these important milestones."
"And Aurora will see other kids with their moms and then…just me."
"Kelly…"
"I know…I know…I just…miss her."
"Yeah…me too."
On that note the two of them offer each other a goodnight and head for their separate bedrooms. But despite the physically exhausting day, Casey hears Severide's soft cries and feels his heart shatter into pieces. It was going to take time.
XXXXXXXX
"Daddy!"
"Ooof!" Severide's lips offer the next morning as Aurora jumps on his chest with a happy giggle. "Come here squirt," he growls as his hand grab her bare feet and start to tickle the soft soles making her squeal loudly. "Daddy's tired…" Severide groans as he tries to roll over onto his stomach.
"No daddy! Wake up! Wake up! Come play with me!"
"Go ask your…" mother? he starts and then stops; a feeling of shameful remorse starting to consume him as he slowly turns back to see Aurora looking at him in wonder. His large hand reaches out and tenderly pushes a dirty blond strand from her face, her little hands grabbing his and playing with his fingers.
"Come on daddy! Come on!"
"It's too early. Daddy's tired," Severide smiles as he pulls her down onto his chest and wraps his arms around her flailing body, making her squeal once more.
"NOOOO daddy! Nooooo!" She laughs as he pokes her side; the room instantly filling with infectious laughter.
Casey hears the laughter coming down the hallway and can't help but smile, knowing how good the bonding moments are for both Severide and his daughter. He had heard Severide's near slip to tell Aurora to go and see her mother but then recanted, changing the subject. Part of him is glad that Severide didn't put his name in there as he knows that while he does enjoy their company, he's not sure Severide will have him and his daughter stay here long term. Preparing for that right from the start would be easier on his nerves and emotional wellbeing also. But come the day they wanted to leave for good, he knows he'll be broken inside. So he tells himself to think on something else, get up and get the day started. And that's just what he does.
"So today you're going to spend with Grandma Pauline okay?"
"And you too daddy?"
"Nope, me and Uncle Casey have a few things to do."
"Why?"
Severide can only roll his eyes and figures before he starts into the whole 'why' fiasco it was time to get up and get moving. "So…what do you normally…" he stops as his daughter's eyes widen in wonder. "I don't even know the routine," he sighs as he tries to think back to when Shay gave her a bath or did anything like that. "Do you remember what mommy did for bath time?" He asks not really expecting an answer.
But much to his surprise, Aurora leaves the room and then hurries back with a doll in her grasp.
"Tub time daddy," she tells him with an innocent smile that literally melts his heart all over again; an emotional lump forming as he remembers Shay telling him about her special bath time with Aurora.
"Is that Aurora?" He manages weakly.
"No Aereal!" Aurora corrects her father as she holds up the Disney doll from Little Mermaid. "Aurora's from seeping beauty. That's me!"
"Oh right. Do you have a bath with Ariel?"
"Yes," Aurora answers as she clutches the bath-friendly doll to her chest and grins. "Where's mommy?"
"You'll have to settle for daddy from now on okay?"
But in that moment Aurora's bottom lip gently drops and her little blue eyes threaten to well, shattering his heart instantly.
"Oh baby girl, I wish she was here too," Severide whispers as he picks her up and places her on his lap. "Think it would be okay for daddy to give you a bath?"
"But you're a boy."
"Yes that I am," Severide smiles. "But I'm also your dad so I think that makes it okay."
"Okay. Do you get a toy?"
"Hmm well think I'll save the actual tub space for you and Ariel. Deal?"
"Okay."
"Okay," Severide repeats as he picks up his daughter and carries her to the bathroom, turning on the hot water and laughing as she starts to pull off her pajama's. "Hey slow down a bit, the tub isn't full yet," Severide states as he pokes his head out the door. "Casey!"
He looks back to see his daughter completely naked holding up her doll with a wide grin on her face and can only shake his head. "Okay wait for daddy," he instructs as he closes the door half way as Casey approaches.
'So I can't see my daughter naked Shay? What happens if you're away and I have to give her a bath?'
'You can, but its important to help build her self-respect from an early age and that includes privacy.'
'Okay I got it.'
'And remember until she's over six, no unattended bath time! I don't want to be that parent.'
'Trust me I get it.'
Even though he knows Casey doesn't have any ulterior motives toward his daughter if he was to see her naked, he allows her her small dignity by keeping her hidden from view. Or…so he tries.
"Okay I won't start breakf…" Casey starts just as Aurora's face appears between her father's leg and the door and she grins.
"I'm nekked Uncle Matt," she giggles before she ducks back in.
"Yeah wonder who she got that from?" Severide groans as he twists his head back to see Aurora dipping her dolly into the warm water and then pulling her back out.
"Oh you of course," Casey teases. "I'll wait on breakfast until you're done."
"Thanks."
Severide turns back to his daughter as he closes the door and can only chuckle as he watches her starting to jump around with her soaking wet dolly. His first impulse is to grab his phone to record the silly moment to share with Shay later but his hand stops…his stomach sinks…and his mind races to get him back to reality. "Okay silly goober, time to get wet."
He quickly puts her hair into a messy pony tail on top of her head and then picks her up and gently lowers her into the water. He makes sure the water isn't too high and knows he cannot take his eyes off her for a second or else risk being the parent who has to explain to the first responders why he was careless and his daughter drown in the bathtub with him only a few feet away!
His lips can't help but smile as he watches her splashing around in the warm water with her dolly, aimlessly chattering away and making his heart melt with every endearing smile she looks up and gives him.
"Look daddy! Aereal is simming," Aurora giggles as her already water logged dolly dives into the water and zooms back up, sending a trail of water dancing over the edge of the bathtub and splashing onto the floor.
"SWImming. Say it right," he gently instructs.
"SWWWWWImming," she repeats as he smiles and she goes back to playing. But he can only offer a small groan as he reaches for a small face cloth to wipe it all up before someone slips – namely him. But as he tosses the damp cloth into the sink he looks around the decidedly 'male' atmosphere and knows that he's going to have to make a few minor adjustments as Aurora was used to sharing a very 'female' bathroom with her mother. Ah damn I don't know how I'm going to handle all this.
"Alright time to clean you and get out. Are you smelly?"
"No!" Aurora growls back as she puts her balled up fists on her bare hips and glares at him. Severide can't help but laugh at his daughter's antics as he reaches for the soap, his mind marveling at just how much like Shay she is. He swallows back a sob as he mechanically goes about washing her soft skin, pausing only when her arm jerks and she pulls away from his touch; prompting him to look at her in surprise.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No…tickles," she admits sheepishly as he nods before continuing. But when she starts to hum the tune that she and Shay used to hum together while they played in the bubble bath, his eyes can't help but water. Once again he quickly swallows it back as he finishes his task of washing her delicate skin. Once she's done, he carefully lifts her out of the tub and wraps a thick, warm towel around her frame while he empty's the bathtub.
From his spot in the kitchen, Casey pauses in his task of making pancakes to listen to Kelly and Aurora laughing as they come out of the bathroom; his heart swelling as he hears the beloved little girl tell her father that she loves him. I hope this is the norm and it lasts…Casey's mind ponders as he goes back about his mixing.
However, as he watches Severide round the corner with his laughing daughter bouncing atop his shoulders, he couldn't know…none of them in that moment could know – that danger was lurking.
Waiting…
A/N: Okay wow! So I am blaming my muse and you all (haha that's a good thing) for making me want to extend this story! Originally it was supposed to be only 6 chapters with the bittersweet conclusion coming next. BUT you know me (and my dear muse Alice!) she loves to keep you all delightfully entertained. Course the addition of the cabin adventure was a last minute add on so that's why the original story outline has been slightly altered. SO please do review before you go and let me know if you want me to extend the story past chapter 6. If not the danger will be emotional and it will wrap up next. If so then the danger could be well...anything that will cause some tension for our new makeshift family.
Thank you all!
PS: Bonded by Fire will update in a few days.