Title: Plan B
Chapter 9 – Slowly Spiraling Downward?
The next morning Severide walks into Firehouse 51 with a tight stomach and pounding head. After their dinner the night before he had broken down and while he hated unloading on Casey, after talking to him he did feel better. And after that he had collapsed in bed and spent the rest of the night berating himself for getting mad at Shay for something she didn't do on purpose – miss her daughter's preschool interview because she died!
A few minutes after settling into in his chair in his small office, Severide pauses in finishing his current file and looks at a picture of Aurora in the park looking up at the camera with a large smile and Shay at her side making just as big a goofy grin.
"Kelly?"
Severide's head snaps around to look at a rather familiar face. "Cindy…Hi, come in," Severide's voice stammers as he invites Cindy Hermann into his office. "Is…everything okay? Is Hermann okay?" He asks in haste as she offers him a kind smile.
"Yes. Actually, me being here was Christopher's idea and I hope you don't mind."
"No, please sit down," Severide urges as he gestures to the lone chair in his small office. "So…how can I help you?"
"Actually…I'm here to help you."
"Me?" Severide asks in surprise. "Ok-ay…what's going on?"
Casey watches Cindy Hermann enter Severide's office and heads over to Hermann who was getting himself something for breakfast. "What's going on?"
"Thought Severide could use a little help with the preschool stuff so I mentioned it to Cindy and she mentioned a few ideas to me and I told her to talk to him. I know he's in over his head with this preschool stuff. I just hope he gets that we just want to help and not interfere or anything."
"I hope so too," Casey replies softly as he looks down the hallway to Severide's closed door and frowns before he looks back his fellow truck member, squeezes his shoulder and pulls away. He doesn't want to bug Severide too much about the meeting with Cindy Hermann, so instead he forces himself to keep busy until the first call comes through for them.
The call is somewhat routine but it serves the purpose to distract their hearts and minds from the morbid melancholy that had accompanied them to Firehouse 51 that morning.
"So was Cindy Hermann extending a babysitting offer?" Casey innocently inquires, wanting to give Severide the opportunity to explain rather than him just openly prying.
"Actually she said she wanted to give me a few pointers for preschool."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I wanted to be angry at first but um…but it was good. She said I should take Aurora to a few of the preschool outings to get her used to being around other kids and meeting new friends and she volunteered to bring Kenny James and come along," Severide refers to the youngest of the Hermann clan that he and Shay had been made godparents of.
"That's great," Casey replies as Severide's brow furrows. "Isn't it?"
"Yeah…great," Severide answers with a tight lipped smile and nod.
"But…"
"But nothing. It's great. They can see I'm failing and…"
"You know that's not it," Casey interjects in haste.
"I can admit that…" Severide's voice pauses as he looks away with a heavy sigh. "It'll be okay. I got a handle on it now."
Casey leans back against the wall and folds his arms over his chest and looks at his friend in concern. "I know you don't want to hear this but I think you need to talk to someone."
"We talked last night, that's enough," Severide retorts with a souring tone.
"I do not want an argument but I'm worried. Others say it but I don't want to just assume you know that, so I'm saying it now. I'm worried. I don't worry that you'll take it out on Aurora. I do sometimes worry that you'll have one to many one night and do something to me. But I can take it. You know I'd never fault you but…"
"Matt…"
"But I worry that you're the one who will suffer the most. That you'll just slowly self-destruct in silence until you reach your breaking point and if you…"
"I'm fine," Severide interjects with a small hiss. "I get everyone's worried but I know Shay's dead okay? I get it! I know that! I know that better than anyone!" His voice raises in pitch; instantly falling as Boden's figure appears at the end of the hallway and pauses. "Look I just…I appreciate your concern okay? I don't need to talk about Shay to know she's gone. I know. I'm reminded of it every day when I see my little girl who happens to look just like her mother! But like you said I won't hurt Aurora and that's all that really matters."
"You're wrong," Casey adds in haste as Severide's eyes slightly narrow. "Lots of us are worried about you also."
Severide's retort dies in his throat as he pulls away with a small huff. Casey watches him disappear into the small gym to work off some steam with the punching bag and decides to let his friend have his alone time and get his anxiety out of his system.
Casey heads back into his office and looks at his calendar with the new dates marked into it – the park dates that Severide had told him about yesterday and of course in a few month's Aurora's actual first day of school. After that he pulls his phone and calls someone he knows will be ready to help Severide at a moment's notice.
XXXXXXXX
"Aurora, we're going to talk a little bit about school okay?"
"What's that gramma?"
Pauline looks at her granddaughter with a warm smile and then kisses the top of her head, praising her for saying the word GRAmma correctly.
"Remember the place that you and daddy went to yesterday? That's preschool. Did you like it?"
"I don't know," Aurora shrugs as she goes back to her task of coloring.
"It's a place that you'll go to everyday for a few hours. And you'll learn some new things and meet some new friends."
"Why?"
"Because sweet girl, it's all a part of growing up," Pauline explains in a soft tone as her voice slightly cracks. "Do you want to meet some new friends?"
"No," Aurora shrugs but doesn't pay too much attention to it. But Pauline isn't alarmed too much. She knows from her own daughter and family relatives that starting slowly to get your child used to the idea of going to school on their own was better than waiting until the day before or worse – the day of, to just send them away and hope for the best. It's true that Aurora would now be starting to experience some small measure of independence but she and all others in her little life want to make sure she's sent to school on that first day as ready for that new experience as possible.
"So now let's draw a few pictures of what you saw yesterday okay?"
"Okay gramma."
Pauline can only smile as she pulls out some blank papers and crayons. "What was the playground like?"
XXXXXXXX
Casey and Severide finish up a very late call and finally head for home; happy to have the next few days to just relax and get a few more things done around the apartment. But even on the ride home, Casey feels the tension that Severide's silently agitated frame is exuding but says nothing. If he brings up the subject of him going to seek some professional help, Casey knows an argument will ensue. He'd said his piece earlier and now he can only wait for another opportunity to broach the subject once more and then wait for the fallout.
"We talked about school today and she drew some pictures of what she saw," Pauline tells Severide in a quiet tone as they head into the living room where Aurora is asleep on the couch.
"How was that?"
"She was very indifferent about it at first but I think it'll be good for us all to talk to her about it on a daily basis or as regular as possible and get her used to the idea little by little. And some outings to meet new children would be good also. Much like her mother, she's very friendly and will like making new friends. Leslie…she was like that," Pauline's voice cracks as she puts on a brave smile for the two men before her.
"Okay," Severide agrees with a tight lipped smile as he gathers his sleepy daughter in his grasp and heads for the door, Casey saying goodnight to Pauline as he follows after Severide with Aurora's bag in his hand.
On the drive home, the two of them talk about taking Aurora to the park on a more regular basis and getting her used to the idea of meeting kids her age so that she doesn't get too freaked out when she's left with strange kids on the first day of preschool.
But that night is a bit more agitated for Aurora as her little mind offers nightmares and she once again wakes up crying. This time she pushes herself from her bed and goes in search of her father.
"Dadda," she moans sadly as she stands in the darkened entranceway to Severide's bedroom. He had purposely trained himself to sleep with a nightlight so that if necessary his daughter would be able to find him if she needed comfort. That was tonight.
"Baby….girl," Severide whispers sleepily as he pulls himself from his sleepy stupor and flips on his small bedside light. "Hey…what's wrong?"
"Can't sleep," she laments as he picks her up and puts her into the warm bed with him, propping himself up on his elbow and looking down with a soft frown.
"Did you have a nightmare?"
"Yes."
"What did you see?"
"Mommy was hurt."
In that moment his stomach tightens as Aurora looks up with large, blue watery eyes. "I miss mommy," she whispers as she turns and tucks herself into her father's chest and softly cries.
"Oh baby girl, I do too," he whispers as his large hand rests on her little trembling back and pulls her close. "I do too," he adds as he holds her close, letting her cry herself to sleep before he turns off the light and tries to do the same. However, every time he hears her admit that to him, his heart rips in two and no matter him hearing Shay's voice telling him it's going to be okay – he's going to be okay, they're going to be okay, his mind spirals downward.
Mommy was hurt…his mind can't let go of those words, despite trying to force himself to think on something happy and upbeat – he can't. The sorrow floods his mind but he tries as best he can to stifle it to keep from waking his daughter. You need to talk to someone…get some professional help…Casey's words come into his mind after Shay's voice, forcing his jaw to literally grit and his frame tense. He tries to shift onto his back, but a little whimper from Aurora keeps him captive in place.
For the rest of the night, sleep is useless as his mind tosses and turns between Shay's voice and Casey's; his daughter looking up at him with a sad expression before she turns her back.
XXXXXXXX
The next morning Casey awakens to the sound of silence. He had heard Aurora crying the night before and was happy that she went and sought solace in the arms of her father; something he knows will keep Severide grounded. However, he also fears that his friend is an emotional time bomb…slowly counting down until he literally explodes. He doesn't need to bottle in how he feels…that's what he needs to talk about; not the fact Shay's gone – how he feels about it!
Not wanting to awaken either of them, especially on a day off, Casey's arms fold under his head as he sets his mind to think upon the coming week and the one month anniversary of Shay's death; two weeks where Severide was on his own and now nearing the end of his second week in Casey's home. How could he find a proper balance between keeping Severide busy but not being a stifling jailer?
How about a bar night? Just the two of us…maybe take ask Christie if she can watch Aurora for a few hours so we can just go and relax a bit. Yeah that would work…maybe.
But first they'd have to face today and with the tension continuing to build he wonders just what Severide's frame of mind will be even if he did suggest a fun night out? Would he just mope? Try to drown his sorrows? Would I be to blame if he got really drunk and sick the next day? Second thought…
With his mind still in turmoil, Casey pushes himself out of bed and quietly makes his way toward the bathroom, passing by Severide's bedroom and glancing in to see his friend and his goddaughter still nestled together under the covers. I hope they sleep as long as possible.
That wish of Casey's would not be fulfilled.
Severide hears the shower in the bathroom down the hallway starting up and gently rouses himself awake. With his head slightly pounding he forgets that he`s not alone in bed until he hears a soft whimper and looks down to see Aurora still cuddled in his grasp.
"No daddy," she moans softly as her sleepy blue eyes open and she looks up at him.
"Time to get up sleepy head," he smiles down at her, feeling at total ease when she's in his immediate presence. "Want to go to the park today?"
"No," she whimpers as she rolls onto her other side and snuggles further into his chest.
"Come on now," he smiles as he pokes her side, making her squeal and then look up with a mock-mad face. "Yeah nice mad face goober," he teases as he pulls her onto his chest and holds her close for a few moments. It would also be good to take her to the playground at the preschool to get her used to going to that place from now on, less stress later on. Cindy Hermann's words make sense and he knows that as hard as it'll be for him to go there without Shay, he has to do it for his daughter.
"Thought I'd take Aurora to the playground by the preschool and get her to used to you know…just being there. Meeting new kids…trying something new," Severide mentions to Casey as he enters the kitchen about half hour later, dressed and ready to go for the day.
"Sounds good," Casey nods as he looks up and hands Severide a mug of hot coffee.
"What?" Severide presses when Casey gives him a tight lipped smile and then looks down in haste.
"I just worry because it sounds good and I know you'll go there with the best of intentions but hold it all in for Aurora's sake."
"I can't…I can't lose my temper or my emotions in front of her. How can I tell her that I get mad at her mother at times for leaving us when I have no right to get mad in the first place?" Severide retorts and then lowers his voice.
Casey's lips slightly purse as his brain races for the right thing to offer as a comeback. "I want to help but you know what my suggestion is."
"This whole preschool thing took me by surprise okay? But…but I'm okay now. A few painful milestones and…and I just gotta keep busy," Severide tries to mostly reassure himself with a shaky tone. "I'll be okay."
"Okay," Casey whispers as they both watch Aurora enter the kitchen with a bright smile on her face. "Hey sweetie, want to help set the table for breakfast?"
"Okay."
Casey hands her her plastic bowl and cup before offering her a few more items; Severide also following suit. The three of them sit down and casually talk about the day ahead of them, going to the park and coming back and just relaxing. Casey suggested that on the weekend they have Benny and the Hermann clan over for a casual meal, just to hang and give Aurora the opportunity to have a bit more exposure to more kids; especially Kenny James, Severide's godson and the littlest Hermann who was Aurora's age.
"I remember the day of the birth," Severide recalls with a small smirk.
'Seriously Kelly now it's a race between me and Cindy Hermann to see who pops first? She's had four others! She's like…like the Wayne gretzky of giving birth.'
"You mean her lame hockey reference?" Casey retorts with a snicker.
'I can't let her beat me.'
'It's not a race, Shay.'
'I better win!'
"And then she was all worried when I suggested making you the godfather and not Hermann when a day later Hermann wheels in his wife and they make us the godparents first," Severide smiles as he takes another sip of his coffee.
"Yeah poor Hermann was a bit taken aback when she said it was me and not him," Casey chuckles.
"Who are the hermits?" Aurora asks as both men look down to see her no longer interested in her coloring but turning her attention to them.
"Hermann's," Severide replies with a smile as Casey chuckles. "You'll see them hopefully on the weekend. You remember Kenny…or you should…" Severide's voice stammers as he looks at her with a shrug.
"Which preschool is Kenny going to?" Casey inquires.
"Not sure. I didn't want to ask but I think it's one closer to where her sister lives so they can all go together. You know grow the already huge Hermann clan," Severide tosses back with a smile. "Maybe this is better. So when I'm called into the principal's office, Hermann won't be spreading it around 51 a few hours later what happened."
The two of them talk a bit more before it's time to put the dishes away and then clean up; Aurora earning four quarters for putting her little dishes in the right spot in the dishwasher. Severide had shown her where to put the coins so after she had received them, she ran straight to her room and deposited them into the large ceramic pink teddy bear piggy bank.
On the way to the park, Casey mentions that he wants to go to a department store during their days off and get a car seat for his truck; having the dimensions with him on a slip of paper. But as they near the preschool parking lot, Severide's stomach tightens once more and he has to remind himself this is for his daughter and his anxiety would have to take a back seat.
"Ready?" Casey asks softly as Severide stops his car but doesn't make a move to leave.
"Yeah," he nods as he looks at his friend with a tightly drawn smile and then in the backseat to his daughter who looks back with an adoring glance. "Okay, let's go play on the swings."
"YAYYYYY!" Aurora shouts with glee as they both get out; Severide helping his daughter from the backseat and the three of them casually walking toward the kids play area. Severide, who had already met the outdoor attendant, tells them they're just dropping by and is told that members of the preschool are always welcome.
"Yeah I think it'll be good to come with Cindy every once and a while," Casey mentions as two women look over at them in wonder. "Or you know…another woman."
"My two dads not suiting you?" Severide tosses back with a snicker as he puts Aurora onto the swings and starts to push her.
"Or…"
"Matt…" Severide warns.
"I only want what's best for you and…there might come a time when Aurora will…" Casey's voice dies out as his words catch.
"Want a mom? I know man…I can't bring myself to say it either," Severide agrees with a heavy sigh. "I sent Erin a text the other day. Just um…you know to say hi and stuff. Feel like a bit of a jerk after ignoring her this long."
"Doubt she sees it that way."
"Same thing she said," Severide smiles before he pauses once more, his eyes catching someone to his right. "She…" he starts and then stops as the blond haired woman stops and looks at them before looking away. "Shay?" Severide asks in a soft whisper.
"What?"
"Shay," Severide's lips utter before he suddenly pulls away and hurries toward the edge of the fenced in play area. You saw her die…this isn't her! His mind tries to warn as he catches up with the strange woman. "Shay!" He states as he gently grabs her arm.
"Hey! What?" The startled woman asks in shock as she pulls away and turns to Severide with a look of expectation.
See…not her! "Oh I uh…yeah sorry," Severide's voice stammers. "Thought you were... Sorry."
"It's okay. You just startled me. I'm Kellie."
"I'm…Kelly," he repeats somewhat mechanically before his head snaps him back to reality. "I'm…also Kelly. Sorry you just remind me of someone."
"Great name. I have to go."
"Yeah…sure."
Severide watches her heading toward a waiting car and can only berate himself as he turns and heads back to Casey and his wondering daughter.
"Who was that daddy?"
"A um…thought it was someone else. So wanna go on the slide?" He quickly changes the subject.
"Yes!" Aurora shouts, not too interested in hearing the explanation behind the weak response.
Casey knows but says nothing; the woman looked like Shay. It made even him do a double take but he honestly didn't expect Severide to react so quickly and the way he did. But something else starts to tick way in his brain as he joins his friend at the slide. As he watched the woman also named 'Kelly' heading for the parked car, his eyes has rested upon a sedan with a lone occupant in it. The car lingers for a bit and then slowly pulls away. Probably waiting for someone, Casey's mind reasons as Severide taps him on the shoulder.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. You? How are you with all this?"
Severide looks over to see Aurora talking to another little girl about her Barbie hat. "I worry about her. Pauline said she's noticing now other little girls with their mom's and…asking for hers. That first day…damn it's gonna be hard."
"But at least you can prepare yourself now for it right?" Casey tries to reason.
"Yeah…sure," Severide turns back with a tight lipped smile.
"Kelly…" Casey huffs under his breath as Severide pulls away and heads for his daughter who was about to put something from the playground into her mouth. He needs to come to terms with this before something happens…something really bad.
Aurora starts to fuss when Severide takes away the used toy, trying to explain to her that it was dirty and it wasn't something to eat. But Casey can hear in his friend's voice the contrite tone and knows after seeing the woman who reminded him of Shay and now being around the other families was slowly chipping away at his protective outer shell.
"Okay I think we need a night out."
"What?"
"Just the two of us when we don't have a shift the next day."
"Seriously?" Severide asks with a small smile.
"Yeah," Casey replies with a playful nod. "We'll drop Aurora off at Christie's and you and I need to just go and have a beer…and some food. Watch the game. Just hang for a few hours. It's all on me."
"Matt…"
"No I think you need this…hell I think I need this," Casey huffs as he rubs his face and then looks over at Aurora playing on the monkey bars. "Just a night out to unwind and relax a little. Like we used to."
"Wake up hammered in someone else's home?" Severide retorts with a snicker as Casey's face gently warms.
"We're more mature now," Casey reminds him pointedly as Severide watches his daughter trying to talk to another little girl.
"Yeah," Severide whispers as Aurora comes running back to them with something in her grasp.
"Look daddy."
Severide looks at the little dandelion head in her grasp and smiles. "Yellow flowers."
"Mommy loves yellow fowers."
"FLOwers," Severide corrects as he offers her a weak smile. "Yes she…did. Do you wanna go and see Auntie Christie and cousin Violet for supper?"
"Okay," Aurora shrugs before she turns and hurries back toward the other little girl, the two of them fascinated by a small patch of grass that two dandelions had attached themselves to; one now flowerless.
"Sometimes I want to tell her to just stop…stop talking about her to make the pain go away, but then I remind myself I'd be even sadder if she forgot her altogether you know? Trying to find the balance is hard," Severide admits in a soft whisper. "I hope she never forgets her."
"I know," Casey nods in agreement. "None of us will ever forget Shay. And Aurora spent every single day of her life so far…well…that she can remember with her mother. She won't forget Shay and you can be sure there will be a lot of us around to remind her of that."
Severide nods as Aurora comes running back, this time with a handful of grass. "Okay so let's stop digging up the plants before we're kicked out of this place," Severide mentions lightly as he tries to clean Aurora's hands as best he can.
"We have hand sanitizer in the car," Casey reminds him as the three of them slowly start to walk toward the playground exit, talking about their last minute plans for the night. "Christie says go have fun."
"I think we need this," Severide remarks as they reach the car and he quickly cleans his daughters hands before she can put them near her face or in her mouth. On the ride to Casey's sisters place, they talk a bit more about having a small casual dinner on the weekend and having a few friends and some family there.
"Don't think they'll think it too morbid or something that it's on the…you know the anniversary of the um…the death."
"Not at all."
They finally arrive at Christie's place and head inside with Aurora in her father's grasp.
"Hey sweetie. Violet is making Princess cupcakes. Want to join her?"
"YES!"
Severide puts his daughter down and all watch as the very happy four year old breaks free and bounds toward the very aromatic kitchen.
"I know this was short notice, so thank you."
"Jim's working late so we don't mind. You two behave now."
"We're taking the car home and taking a cab just in case," Casey tells his sister in truth.
"Good plan. Well stay safe," Christie tells her brother as she gives him a hug; Severide in the kitchen talking to his daughter. "How is he?"
"One minute breaking down and the next fine. I know that's normal…for everyone it's so different but I worry. Maybe it's me and I am worried for nothing."
"You worry because you care about Kelly and Aurora and you only want the best for them both."
"And me being overly paranoid isn't helping though, right?"
"Just make sure tonight isn't about you trying to show yourself and him that you're not the overly paranoid friend. Keep him out of trouble but have fun."
"I will," Casey replies, almost too fast.
The two of them finally take their leave, first of all heading home to change and then hop into a cab and head for a bar that isn't Molly's.
"Busy place!" Severide finds himself nearly shouting as they head for two stools at the bar. Normally, if they just wanted a quieter place to just eat and watch the game, they'd pick a booth; but tonight they wanted to just let it go, feel alive and enjoy a few hours of real freedom.
"Here's to…51!" Casey holds up his shot glass, Severide raising his with a wide grin. The thick glass rims tinkle and then the double shots of whiskey are consumed.
"Think those two…are checkin' us out!" Severide nods behind Casey; Casey turning to see two very attractive women smiling at them.
"So they are!" Casey looks back with a wide grin of his own. But in that moment, Severide's expression changes once more and Casey's quick to follow his friend's eyes – both of them resting on the woman they had seen earlier.
"Matt…damn it's the woman who looks like Shay. What was her name…Kellie? Yeah Kellie! Like mine"
"I see, but…Kelly!" Casey's hand reaches out and tries to pull his friend back.
"I can just go and say hi," Severide retorts with a small hiss before his inebriated smile quickly returns and he pushes past Casey. "Kellie! Hey…remember. We met earlier in the park today."
The blond woman he had briefly met earlier and who had pulled away from her boyfriend turns to Severide with a friendly smile; a boyfriend that Severide had failed to notice her coming in with or might have thought twice about his present course of action.
"Other Kelly…right…hi," she greets as Severide leans in a bit closer.
"So…you want a beer?"
"If she does I'll get it!" A gruff voice pipes up from behind as Casey hurries to intervene.
"Oh…you're with him? Hey man relax, I was just saying hi," Severide pats the large, angry looking man on the shoulder.
"He's drunk and don't mind him," Casey tries to defend his friend.
"Doesn't she remind you of Shay?" Severide asks a bit loudly as the boyfriend looks at Casey.
"Rough day," Casey tries to interject.
"So…wanna join us? Talk about the school and stuff?"
"Man, are you hearing impaired?" The boyfriend asks as he pokes Severide in the chest.
"I am making friendly conversation," Severide answers with a smile. "You can come too."
"We're leaving," Casey states in haste as Severide's brow furrows.
"So now it's a crime to talk to another person about their kids?" Severide glares at the boyfriend before his happy grin returns. "She reminds me of my daughter's mother."
"Fine. We're leaving now," the boyfriend states as he gestures for his girlfriend, Kelly, to leave and turn himself.
"Look buddy…" Severide starts. But in the commotion his hand accidentally lands on the large man's arm just as he stumbles, giving off the appearance that he wanted something more than to offer a somewhat drunken apology.
That doesn't happen.
Instead, the hot headed boyfriend, already having a short fuse, turns with a balled fist, ready to strike. Severide's slip allows him to side-step the hit, leaving only one person on the receiving end of the hit.
Casey.
Severide watches Casey being hit right on the jaw, accidentally and turns to the boyfriend with an angry glare, ready to strike.
It was going to be a long night.
A/N: Okay so I wanted to work in the drunken bar scene but give it my own little AU twist (sorry no Lady friends lol) and might with a few other eppy ideas and hope it works in harmony with the bittersweet theme of the story. So how will the night end for our boys? Might they be spending the night somewhere other than home? (and if so who will come to pick them up? lol) Yup the danger is still lurking – did you all catch that little hint again? and both men are struggling in their respective roles in trying to cope as the one month anniversary looms ever closer. How will Severide handle that? And what will be the catalyst that will actually force him to admit how he feels about Shay's death. Would love to know your thoughts so please do review before you go and thanks so much!