Title: Plan B
Chapter 13 – Facing the Past

Warning: You might need a kleenex…or two

The following morning, the ride to the therapist is spent in contemplative silence. Aurora was at Christie's as Benny had an arson case to work on; Casey was driving Severide to his appointment on their scheduled day off. When Severide had told Boden, Boden replied that it didn't matter that it was Friday night, he'd call an arrange someone for Kelly to talk to as soon as possible. It was scheduled Monday. Severide knew that Boden probably asked for the very first appointment; wanting to fast track in case his Squad Lieutenant might chicken out and bail at the last minute if left up to his own scheduling devices. This would ensure he'd show up.

"It's only an hour," Casey's voice finally breaks the silence, drawing Severide's miserable stare away from the window.

"I keep telling myself that but somehow I think it'll be the longest hour of my…" his voice dies out as he shakes his head.

"What?"

"I sound like a selfish jerk saying that. Damn," he curses under his breath. "The longest was waiting for Aurora to arrive or finding Shay or…"

"They can all be long. You don't have to put one over the other."

"See I should just talk to you."

"That'll be three hundred dollars please," Casey playfully retorts as Severide's jaw slackens.

"Wow it's that much?" Severide retorts as Casey shrugs.

"Aren't you glad work covers it?"

"Damn straight," Severide gently smirks as Casey's truck comes to a stop outside the somewhat daunting looking structure. Severide hesitates a little before he looks at Casey and nods.

"I'll be here when you get out. I'm just gonna wait and do some reading," Casey reminds him as Severide slowly gets out of the truck.

With his bandaged ribs and side, sudden or strenuous movements weren't advisable so slow and steady won out. His anxiety instantly surges as soon as the elevator doors close and he wonders for a few seconds how much backlash there would be if he were to cancel. But he doesn't. As soon as the doors open he finds himself heading toward the office with an elevated heart rate.

Severide enters the office and offers a small nod to the man on the other side of the room. No secretary? "Is uh…" he fumbles with the note on his phone. "I'm here to see…"

"Nick Gardner? You must be Kelly Severide."

"Yeah," Severide answers slowly as he looks at the man who looks about his age. He had pictured someone a few decades older, man or woman but someone…with more life experience. This guy probably got his degree and goes home to his wife and kids every night…what on earth does he know about pain. What a waste of time this'll be!

"I take it you were expecting someone with a bit more grey hair?" Nick gently chuckles as he offers his hand. "I get that a lot."

"Right," Severide mumbles as he shakes the therapists hand and then follows him into his modest office. "Annabelle has gone for coffee…did you want anything? I can text her to…"

"No I'm fine," Severide blurts out in haste. "I just want…"

"Right to talk and leave," Nick gestures for Severide to sit in the chair a few meters from him. "I don't like sitting behind the desk. Seems too formal. I'm not here to evaluate you Kelly. Just to…talk."

"Right about feelings and stuff."

"Yeah…stuff guys don't like to talk about," Nick retorts as Severide's lips slightly purse. "I know society…well they are getting better about promoting male therapy sessions. A lot still believe the lame stigma that men should always be strong and deal with things in a manly way and if you talked or shared your feelings or even cried openly or at a movie or even with your buddy you were queer or girly or whatever. A stupid notion to be sure and it's hindered them from getting help and harmed themselves and their families, whatever they are made up of today. I think we're going to break down a few stereotypes."

Severide's eyes move past Nick and rest on a few pictures on the wall and his desk. He sees Nick with his wife, at least he assumes it's his wife and their two children. "Kids huh."

"Terrance and Chloe. Two rascals if there ever was any. Do you have kids?"

"A daughter. Aurora. So do I just tell you what's bothering me and that's it right?" Severide asks with an impatient huff.

"Hardly seems helpful. How about you tell me a bit about yourself."

"Chief Boden called you right?"

"He did. And if you want me to give you the movie synopsis version of your professional career I can. But knowing that you're currently Squad Lieutenant at House 51 doesn't tell me about you. I want to know a bit about you."

"Such as?" Severide asks with a deepening frown.

"Favorite color, favorite movie, favorite girl scout cookie flavor," Nick tosses out flippantly; his casual tone making Severide settle more than he expected. "If we were to just jump right into your main issue, I'm sure you'd be emotionally shell-shocked and think me horrible."

"Favorite color is black. Favorite movie is Backdraft and who doesn't love the chocolate mint," Severide rattles off in haste.

"Did you know they are coming out with new flavors? At least that's what Chloe tells me," Nick smiles. "How old is Aurora?"

"Four and a half. She um…she's…she's great. She…she misses her mom," Severide manages weakly as he looks away just as his eyes well.

"I know that can't be easy."

"Yeah right you'd know!" Severide looks back with a small hiss before his expression droops. "That was uncalled for."

"I can tell by your rigid posture, set jaw and tightly closed fists that you have a lot of emotion pent up inside. I hope these sessions will help you see that you can let all of that go inside this office and walk out feeling a bit emotionally unburdened."

"Sessions?" Severide retorts weakly as Nick offers him a friendly smile.

"At the end of this session I hope I don't seem as scary as I did at the start. Okay so since you're not a man to beat around the bush as it were, let's talk about Aurora's mother. Were you two married? You haven't referred to her as your wife but I don't want to presume as I don't know the situation."

"No we weren't married we um…she was…" his voice dies out into a nervous smirk.

'I'm gay.'

"She was gay…she…she was…my best friend," his voice gently gasps as his eyes well and Nick's expression softens. "We met about ten years ago and she um…I thought she was hot right from the start but she put me straight and…" his voice again pauses to sniffle; Nick handing him a nearby Kleenex box. "And we agreed to be roommates and have been together…ever since until a month ago when um…she died."

"I'm very sorry for your loss and for Aurora losing her mother. Was it like living with her?"

"An adventure," Severide replies with a small smile, his eyes gently sparkling for a few hopeful seconds. "She loved...life…oh God she loved life," Severide's shoulders finally bow as a sob escapes his lips before he can swallow it back. "Sorry."

"Why be sorry?" Nick asks in concern. "You answered from your heart and although it hurts right now you wanted to tell me and I appreciate that. Do you have a picture?"

"A…picture? Yeah sure…" Severide replies as he fumbles with his phone and pulls out a picture of the three of them; him and Shay with Aurora sandwiched in the middle. "This um…taken a few months back."

"Beautiful woman and your daughter has her eyes and smile."

"She does."

"But she also has you. She's the best of both."

"But Shay's gone so…"

"But never forgotten I can assure you," Nick replies with warmth in his tone. "What did the three of you like doing best?"

Severide looks at Nick and shakes his head. "No…this is…" he stammers as he tries to get up; his legs a bit more adrenaline soaked than he expected and slightly shaking. "I just want to talk about…her death or whatever and that's it. Can't I do that?"

"It wouldn't be fair to you."

"Ah what do you know!" Severide growls as he pushes himself up and heads for the door in exasperation.

"More than you might know to look at me or a few pictures on the wall."

"Yeah such as? You're married right?" Severide glances down at the wedding band. "Kids…great life. I come in here and…yeah whatever."

"I too lost my wife while I was on the job," Nick states in haste; his words preventing Severide from actually turning the door handle and leaving.

"What?" Severide asks as he turns back in wonder. "But your…you…"

"I wear this band because I still haven't found the strength to take it off. Yes. I lost her to a little building accident that…well it made the news. You see, I'm not a Chicago native. I moved here thirteen years ago from…New York."

"New Yo…13 years…what? You mean…"

"Yes 9/11. She was in the south tower. Floor 89."

"Oh God… I'm so…so sorry."

"Thank you. I don't shout it from the rooftops but trust me when I say I know what you're going through. At least partly, I do."

"On the job so…what company were you…"

"Company Squad 1."

"What?" Severide asks in utter shock. "But…that company…"

"Lost the most men. It was my day off. Regular day. We had planned a trip to her parents in Maine. I kissed her goodbye, watched her leave and then started to help the kids. Chloe was in diapers then and Terrance was three. I uh…I had dropped them off at my mom's because I had to take the truck in when I was on the other side of the city, stuck in traffic listening to the news."

"Oh man…"

"I thought maybe the next tagline would tell me it was a movie being filmed. You know one of those big blockbuster Arnie flicks where they do things so impossible…it can't be real. My Chief called. It wasn't a joke. The North Tower had just been hit and it was all hands on deck. I called my mom on the way in and just…I called my wife and told her to leave work. She was in the south tower. But as you know it was only about twenty minutes later when the south tower was struck. That was the last time we spoke."

"I'm…so sorry."

"I kept telling myself that this isn't real…she's okay….cell phones are just jammed and I'll arrive there just in time to see her come rushing out. Never happened. I arrived just in time to watch the south tower fall. They um…they never found her body. She never made it. I stood there as debris rushed toward me, unwilling to move. A few of the off duty guys who had arrived the same time as me pulled me into a nearby bus shelter and we rode out the dust and stuff but um…but it didn't matter she was gone. Half our company was gone. Just like that."

Severide offers Nick a blank watery stare as a warm, salty tear slowly slides down his flushed cheeks. "What um…how'd you…"

"Cope?"

"Not very well. I turned inward and sulked and tried to push everyone away. But my mother and hers wouldn't let me just wallow in misery, mostly for our kids sake. They got me help and I realized that I needed to be there for them and my kids and my guys. We all did group and one on one therapy and when I was talking with one of the therapists he told me there's a need for guys who have been on the job, faced real loss to help others…just like you to cope with…loss…on the job or not. I loved New York. I grew up there and I'm sure you can tell from my well…what's left of my accent I'm originally from Brooklyn."

"You moved."

"Doctor confirmed the arthritis in my knees wasn't going to get better and I should start to look for other job opportunities. There was nothing close that had what I needed to support the kids and moving away from the coast wasn't my first choice, but I don't regret it. My parents moved with us so we have the kids have one set of grandparents with us and I think the other set will be coming in the next year or two. We've been here about six years and the kids love it and…its home now. Wasn't easy but was necessary. Every year on that date we're there, at ground zero, Freedom Plaza, holding hands, listening as her name is read out and crying together. I do it for them, for her and for me. For all of us. Some scars never heal. They still miss her…I do…every damn day. That'll never leave."

"Really."

"But I can help you put a few things in place to help you cope with your loss. Help you see you're not alone and that expressing your emotions to a close friend, family member or even your Chief is only going to help you. Keeping everything inside will only push you to…"

"Explode and do something stupid. Did Boden tell you the real reason I'm here?"

"He just said you're close to the edge, you have so much to live for and I had to see you today. Was he right?"

"He was," Severide admits humbly. "I'm sorry for your loss…for your wife and…your guys."

"Thank you. Now…do you really want to just walk out the door, thinking I have no idea what loss of a loved one is…losing the mother of your children? Or will you let me help you work through a few emotional gully's and get back onto the path of…"

"Being normal?"

"I wish I could honestly tell you that everything will be normal again. But I won't lie. It won't ever be. Even now, our wedding anniversary, a special date…something the kids do…even hearing a song reminds me of that day, of her. Time isn't our friend. But we can help each other find ways to deal with the tough times as they come in a way that won't hurt us or our kids in harmful ways and help us remember the happy times without feeling guilt or extreme remorse."

"I want um…I just want her back."

"So do I. Come on now," Nick entreats as he gently guides Severide back to his chair and both of them slowly sit down. "That's why I want to know a bit more about her and what happened and then I want to know how you deal with or don't deal with things and then we'll make a plan together. Someone helped me. I want to help you. Please let me help you."

"Okay."

Severide eases back into his chair and listens as Nick outlines a plan for the next few sessions. Today's was almost over and Nick told Severide that he wanted to talk a bit more about Severide's family dynamic with Shay, her role in Firehouse 51 and how Aurora was faring. The next session they'd delve right into the circumstances surrounding her death and his role on that fateful day, how he felt and how he coped the few days and weeks that followed. The session after that would deal with his meltdown in the building and what steps he could now take going forward that would help him face any oncoming tension with enough firm resolve to know he'd tackle it head on and still keep standing, with his daughter, friends and family at his side.

"Sounds…"

"Words are easy to say," Nick reminds Severide as the session comes to a close. "Putting it all into action after talking about it is something else. Remember unless you tell anyone…well anything you've told me, whatever you tell me stays right here. Even your Chief won't know."

"Thank you," Severide states with a tense but friendly smile. "I mean it."

XXXXXXXX

Casey looks at his watch and starts to frown. The session had gone on a bit longer than expected and he was starting to wonder if the session had taken too much of an emotional toll on his friend and if he should go and seek him out. However, he decides to wait a bit longer and that turns out to be the right decision as five minutes later, the doors open and Severide comes out of the main door and slowly heads toward the parking lot across the street.

Casey can tell by his friend's somewhat slumped shoulders that the session drained him; his usual confidant swagger missing this time. He reminds himself not to push for any details and if Severide wanted to open up, fine. If not, then at least he could take comfort in the fact that he had kept his word, talked to someone else and hopefully it helped pave the way for at least one more future session. But when he looks at his friends tear stained and flushed face his heart sinks.

"Hey…sorry, it uh…went a bit over."

"That's okay. How was it? I mean the session itself, not what you talked about?"

"Actually….it was okay," he gently shrugs as looks at Casey with a small frown.

Casey's heart slightly sinks lower as he notices Severide's red brimmed eyes freshly water. He'd never call him on it as he knows the session must have been emotionally draining. He looked tired. And rightfully so. But as much as he knows his friend is emotionally raw, he doesn't just want to take him home to wallow alone.

"Hungry?"

"No…well…"

"Bart's Deli? Soup and sandwich? Nothing too…heavy? I think it'll be a nice distraction."

"Sure," Severide agrees somewhat reluctantly. As Casey pulls away, the silence inside the truck's cabin starts to get thicker and he wonders if lunch will be a somber occasion. What do I say?...

"Sorry," Severide mentions quietly, drawing Casey's gaze in his direction for a brief pause.

"Why? I know that was tough. I can see it on your face but I promised myself I wasn't going to ask…it's not my place. You went there to get help for you. I know you're hurting and what you share with me I know makes you feel better but I don't have the insight the doctor does. You did the same for me with Hallie. What was he or she like?"

"He. He uh…young guy."

"Young?"

"Like us," Severide snickers as Casey's expression softens. "Actually a bit older, just over 40. Been through a lot but um…I wanted to hate him at first. Thought he was just another stuffed shirt with you know glasses and a clipboard. But…well it was the opposite and he…yeah it helped actually."

"Glad to hear it. And…" Casey's voice trails off.

"And what?"

"And is there another session booked?"

"Few more actually. At one point I was ready to walk out on the guy but after we talked it was better so I have one more booked for the end of the week and two next week so when I go back to work…I should be…"

"Better?" Casey interjects softly. I can't say normal…things will never be normal again. Hallie died and things still aren't normal.

"Yeah, better," Severide replies with a friendly smile. They reach the diner and at first Casey notices Severide's enthusiasm for something on the menu to be waning; his agitation gaining strength when he notices the menu loosen in his grasp.

"We'll have two specials," Casey tells the waitress. "And two coffee's," he adds as he looks at Severide and nods. "Everyone likes grilled cheese and spicy tomato soup."

"Thanks," Severide answers somewhat absently as he looks down at a packet of sugar at his fingertips and starts to idly play with it. "I actually think these next few weeks will um…will be good to spend time with Aurora."

"It's going to be great for you both," Casey adds supportively as their coffee's arrive. "She's been…I mean she's four so she doesn't talk much to me."

"She tells me she misses her mother," Severide replies with a heavy sigh as he looks up at Casey with a tormented frown. "I'm uh…almost afraid to ask more."

"What did Nick say?"

"Didn't ask him. Not there yet," Severide gently smirks as he takes a sip of his coffee. "Maybe I'll get the time when I'm off to build myself up to ask. What if she blames me?" He asks somewhat rhetorically.

"It wasn't your fault. You know that."

"I know," he agrees in a soft whisper; his lips pulled into a tight smile. Their lunch finally arrives and the conversation turns to the rest of the minor renovations they wanted to do around their place; Casey still hopeful when Severide doesn't mention wanting to leave. After lunch, they head over to Christie's to pick up Aurora and then head to the park by the preschool to play.

When they arrive Aurora sees the same little girl they had seen last time, her hand tugging on her father's to go and see what she was playing with.

"I think that Kellie woman probably moved away after that damn bar scene," Severide mentions as he and Casey hang back and let the two little girls play in the sand box; the other parents on the other side of the sandy square. But part way through their conversation, Casey notices that Severide pauses and looks around.

"What is it?" Casey asks in concern.

"I just…ah nothing," Severide turns back with a small headshake. "Nothing. I think it's just today," he adds in haste, his lips tightly drawn.

"The perfect remedy for that is…swinging!"

"Not my thing," Severide chuckles as he slaps Casey on the back; Casey merely rolling his eyes as they both head toward the empty swing set; racing to see who gets there first. But it's not long before Aurora looks up to see her father and Uncle having fun on the swings and runs toward them.

"I wanna swing too!"

"Alright come up squirt!" Severide smiles as he hoists her onto his lap and they swing to a modest height.

"Higher daddy! Higher!" Aurora squeals as she looks at Casey and laughs, her golden blond curls dancing in the cool afternoon air. They swing a bit longer before it's time to say goodbye to her new friend, called Belle and head for the car. Aurora was happy because her new friend was also named after a Disney princess; the four adults finding it mildly amusing.

On the way back the conversation is kept light and non-confrontational or heavily emotional. When they get home, Aurora refuses to let her father out of her sight and follows him around everywhere. But after pouring out his soul to a stranger and then hanging with Casey, he hasn't had a few minutes to himself so when he tries to close out his daughter for even half an hour it doesn't go over so well.

"Daddy! Open up daddy! Open!" She sobs as she bangs on his door.

Severide holds his tongue as he opens the door and lets his daughter rush in. Aurora runs and jumps on his bed and turns to face her father with a bright smile. But it's that Shay-like smile that always melts his heart and his rising frustrated anger surges.

"Come here," Severide gently pulls her onto his lap as he sits down on the bed. "Sweetheart, daddy's tired and just needs a bit of…" he pauses as she just stares back with wide eyes. How can I make her understand? I talked about her mother. Losing her mother. How she died… and I just…but he knows he can't just push her away. She was starting to feel her mother's loss and didn't want to lose her father also. So he does the next best thing, "want to watch a movie?"

"Yes!" She exclaims as her arms fling around his neck. He knew if he tried to suggest she go down for a nap after the fun outing at the park but she was still a bit rambunctious and that wasn't going to happen. So he can only hope the movie tires her out. It does. But…it tires him out also and it's not long into the Disney cartoon of Cinderella that Casey is turning down the volume and heading into the kitchen to see what groceries he'd get Severide to pick up tomorrow. He was back on shift and did wonder how Severide would fare on his own with his daughter but at the same time has to trust that today's session helped put his friend back on the right path.

That night the three of them talk about their trip to the park and how they were still on track for Aurora's first day of preschool in a few months. Aurora was happy to talk about Belle and see her again and this time didn't bristle as much as she did before. The counsellor's advice to get her used to going to the area and meeting new friends was working.

But despite the somewhat uplifted mood after dinner and their game of 'go-fish' Severide's mind that night refuses to dwell on anything but Shay.

'I can't wait to take Aurora to Disneyland. The first picture is her and Princess Aurora.'

Shay was so happy and exuberant about that trip and it could only rip out his heart that that dream for her would never come true.

'Always.'

"Oh damn…" Severide whispers as he rolls onto his side and tries to drown his sobs in his pillow. But his anguish isn't lost on his friend, who down the hallway can hear the soft cries. Thankfully the exciting events of the day had tired out Aurora and she was peacefully sleeping, oblivious to her father's misery. Casey wonders what he can do but in the end knows there's nothing he can do; this is something Severide needs to work through on his own at this moment. Fortunately the soft cries do settle and the night progresses with silence. Tormented silence.

XXXXXXXX

"You're up early," Casey comments early the next morning as Severide comes into the kitchen; Aurora still asleep.

"Didn't sleep much. Did I keep you awake?"

"No," Casey lies with a tight smile. "What's on the agenda for today?"

"Actually not sure. I know we have to get groceries and maybe I'd just get her to help me with a few things around here. Normal stuff I guess."

"I think she'd like that," Casey tells Severide with a friendly smile. They talk a bit more before Casey tells Severide he'd see him the next day but to call if he ever needs anything. "I mean it Kelly…anything. Even just to…talk."

"Okay."

Casey takes his leave, his stomach tight and his inner agitation slowly simmering. As soon as he gets to Firehouse 51, he updates Boden, telling him a bit more information about Severide and the fact he kept his appointment and he could see the small difference.

"I'm still worried about leaving him alone for that length of time."

"I talked to Benny and he said he'd check in on him also," Boden informs Casey, putting Casey's mind at ease. After that Casey tells the rest of the team what happened to Severide but that he's okay. He only said that he went by the building Shay died in and misjudged the foundation; leaving out the part that Severide went there to vent and it nearly cost him. That wasn't his business to tell.

But at the same time he can't help but worry about his friend. I hope they do some fun stuff today.

"Where are we going daddy?" Aurora asks as Severide takes his daughter's hand and gently directs her toward a very familiar building.

He didn't want to take his daughter to see her mother's badge as he knows it'll just rip him apart inside, but Nick told him directly that the longer he waits to do those important things the harder it would become.

'It's important for her to know that you're not afraid to talk about her mother. How much you loved her mother. How much you miss her mother. And taking her to her gravesite and to see her picture at the fire academy is an important part of the grieving and healing process for you both.'

"We're going to see mommy's badge."

"What's that?" Aurora looks up in confusion as they enter the long quiet hallway.

"It's a special honor for those that have fallen in the line of duty."

But Aurora doesn't quite understand and looks up in wonder. Severide doesn't reply but merely directs his daughter to the wall that held the picture of his fallen best friend. He tells himself, it'll be okay but as soon as they round the corner, he stops short and his breath instantly seizes.

"Oh no…" he whispers as he looks at Shay's picture on the wall.

"Mommy," Aurora points to Shay's picture and then looks up at Severide who can only look down with flooded eyes.

"I know baby girl," he states softly as a few tears escape his eyes. "I miss her so much," he admits as Aurora's little fingers brush away a few tears.

"Where's mommy?" Aurora asks as she looks back up at her mother's smiling face. "I want mommy," she says sadly as she looks back at Severide, her bottom lip starting to quiver.

"I want her too," he admits with a heavy sniffle. "It's okay to cry here," he tells her in truth as a few salty tears roll down her cheeks. "I have…many times."

"I miss mommy."

"Me too."

Severide holds his daughter close in the quiet hallway as the two of them cling to each other and just….cry. It was a heartbreaking scene to witness but it was necessary. Therapeutic. Lifesaving.

A/N: Okay so please note that I didn't use Nick's wife's first name so as not to offend anyone in real life who might have lost a loved one by that same name on 9/11. NYFD Squad 1 lost 1 captain, 3 lieutenants and 8 squad (12 members in total) members that fateful day #neverforget. DISCLAIMER: Nick Gardner is completely fictitious and any resemblance to anyone living or dead is pure coincidence and not intentional.

PS: So how was it? I'm hoping this update had the emotional punch I intended and wasn't too weakened by my aching heart. But this was an emotional hurdle that Severide needed to jump. Will things be better now? Please do review before you go and thanks so much!