Amaya is my own character.

I dont own durarara, Quotes taken from the original manga.

"You learned to run from what you feel, and that's why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control."
― Megan Chanse

Izayas POV

I wasn't the type of person that cried… For gods sake i wasn't any kind of person, I had made sure of that.

I could be evil, kind, childish and cruel, I had so many faces, so many masks that I had forgotten which one that was my own.

So many mirrors and reflections in the same room that in the end, I didn't know which one was real or not.

I know, I can be sensitive as well, I surprise even myself sometimes.

So thats why, when i found myself sleepless, crying like a god damn child, I didn't know what to do with my self.

This was a mask i hadn't picked on my own, and it left every mirror shattered, in to so many pieced that I couldn't glue them together.

I was a joke, really, I was more than a joke, I was the stupid punchline in the end of the joke, no wait, I was the stupid punchline in the end of the joke that people got wrong every time until they just gave up. Thats what i had become, a sad joke.

Still, I knew the reason why, i had weared it like an invisible cape my entire life but that didn't mean i wanted to feel it.

Thats the beauty in it, being invisible and all, i didn't need to look at it but now i didn't have any other choice, the colors had started to show.

The dream always started the same, the first time i met her… Until i saw her die.

Over and over and over again an endless cruel cycle, and i couldn't help to think that i deserve it, because I had tried to forget her.

Always the same thing.

"I protected you...I-You're wrong Iza-Iza-chan, it doesn't hurt... it doesn't hurt to die."

I shook my head violently, I could almost hear the loose screw somewhere in there, rolling around.

I was laying in my bed again, the only place where i could escape and now i didn't even have that any more. Nightmares, always nightmares.

I hugged my pillow tighter, I had to admit i felt silly.

My legs against my chest, while i hugged myself tightly, trying to get the pain to stop, like she always had. She always made the pain stop and go away… Her song.

Ever since Shizu-chan had haunted me down in the alley, poking at memories that shouldn't be touched I couldn't get her voice out of my head.

Terrified by the thought that Shizu-chan would see me with any thing else than my smile scared me.

So as the man that I was i had escaped, and escaped fast.

I hadn't moved from my bed more than absolutely needed.

Two ribs broken, bruises around my throat and all over my back. Scratches and a broken lip-among other things.

Normally I would have gone to Shinra but something as stupid as pride kept me away.

Why I didn't know, and I hated not knowing.

With a painful breath and something close to a sob, but couldn't be, Izaya Orihara didn't cry, i rolled around so that i was laying on my back. Looking up in the sealing.

How many times hadn't i been like this? How many times hadn't I been beat up and bloody? Dragged myself up on that roof because I knew she would be there. That she would sing until I falled asleep, my head in her lap.

Her voice so soft against me, her breath warm against my cold skin.

I never went home after a proper beating, I had never had any good contact with my family.

My sisters hated me, probably for not being there when they grew up… Sometimes i find my self asking, if things had been different, would i be able to tell them?

Tell them about Amaya, about her voice, about her smile, her kind eyes, dark hair… About that black kimono she always weared. Later on I would learn to know that it was all she had left from her mother, her story wasn't a happy one either… But would i be able to tell my sisters about it? About her story as well? About the day she died-no…

I would never be able to tell anyone about that- I… I would.. Would… never…

God I was weak.

My eyes stinged.

"You're one miserable thing Izaya."

I reached my hand up, over my face, it felt heavy, I couldn't help to wonder… What would Shizu-Chan do if he saw me now?

The thought brought a smile to my face…

Oh, Shizu-Chan…. you simple minded fool, I wonder… What he made of all this.

I hadn't been in Ikebukuro for two weeks, was he missing me? I bet he was.

I chuckled painfully.

Stupid protozoan.

my chuckles soon turned to painful moans.

"… Why do you hate me? Is this your vengeance? Do I deserve it?... Please, just stop, I know I have no right but please, please… stop… I know its my fault, everything's my fault… But please make the pain go away…."

Please…. Sing for me one last time...