Chapter 2 - Memories
"That's it. You're going to live with your mother." Charlie's words constantly paraded in the back of Bella's mind. Always there. Floating on the outer edges of her subconscious like dandelion seeds on a spring breeze.
Leaving Forks was not an option. This was where he had once lived. Perhaps if she stayed- proved her loyalty- he would one day return. Bella's thoughts were riddled with desperation when common sense should have told her otherwise.
Charlie. Just one more piece of her messed up life. An innocent bystander hit head on by her pain. In her heart she knew he deserved more. An effort at the very least.
That was how she came to this point. Sitting in Jacob Black's garage drinking warm soda and trying not to cry. Life had somehow become easier with him around.
It didn't matter that she had talked him into building two-wheeled death machines in order to hear Edward's voice again. It didn't matter that she had used him like cheap scotch tape to bind the pieces of her broken heart back together. Nor that she needed his hugs to hold her together on days when everything threatened to come apart. Jacob's arms were better than hers for that. His were warm.
The first time he wrapped them around her, Bella had felt the delicious tingle of heat surround her and seep into her skin for the first time in months. Now she was like a junkie, in need of a daily fix. Jacob reminded her, whether she wanted it or not, that she was still alive.
This had become her reality. Surviving. Forget the vampires that wanted her dead. At least they proved she wasn't crazy. Nevermind that her best friend was a mutant teenager running around on four paws all day to protect her sorry ass. The life she had wanted was gone. All traces ripped away from her overnight. This new life was a mere shadow of what had once been, yet it was there. Sometimes she could even feel happy. Catching herself laughing without noticing it.
"Hey Bells, hand me that wrench, would you?" Jacob's tired voice broke through the silence like a knife cutting her deep. For the first time she clearly saw the bruise-like shadows that had formed under his eyes. Worry creased her brow. He deserved better than this. Better than her. At least there was hope that one day he would get just that. An imprint. Someone who would love him unconditionally, even if that girl would never know him the way she did.
"Bells? The wrench?"
Bella reached for the tool, kneeling next to him on the hard-packed dirt floor with an apologetic grin on her face. "Yeah ,sorry Jake. I was daydreaming."
"Hey, at least you got it right," he laughed, poking a greasy finger in her ribs. "I half expected to get a screwdriver or a pair of pliers."
"Come on Jake. Give me a little credit," she said, rolling her eyes. "I can't hang around you for months on end and not learn something."
Jacob turned his head so she would not see the bright smile fading away. His whisper was a little too loud though. "Lots of things you still haven't learned."
Bella knew what he was referring to. Jacob Black loved her with all of his heart. After all this time he was still waiting for her to figure it out. Waiting for a healing that may never come. Yet it was the weariness of his voice that startled her out of selfishness. Bella looked at him hard. Jacob's eyes were puffy and he looked paler than usual.
"Jake, you're tired. When was the last time you slept?" she asked.
Keeping his eyes on his work, Jacob shrugged his shoulders, unwilling to admit defeat. "Doesn't matter Bells. I'm on patrol again tonight. I'll catch a nap after I take you home. We're almost done here anyways. I'm more hungry than tired anyhow."
Chasing Victoria was taking a toll on the pack. Bella felt guilty that she wasn't doing more, that there was no way she could help. It was just one more thing Edward had taken from her when he left. "You're always hungry. Tell you what. You take me home and while you nap on the couch I'll fix you some dinner. Deal?"
Jacob turned his head slightly to catch her eyes and wink. "Deal."
They rode in silence back to Forks, Bella curled sleepily into Jacob's side, lulled into contentment by his warmth.
He had all but collapsed after they got through the door, eyes closing as soon as he laid down on the couch. Guilt ate away at her soul like battery acid. Jacob was sixteen, spending what should have been a spring break filled with parties and fun, hunting rogue vampires instead. All because of her. It seemed unfair.
Bella busied herself in the kitchen, taking her time peeling potatoes and slicing vegetables in a bid to let Jacob sleep just a little longer. A chicken roasted in the oven and from the top of the stove the herbed scent of stuffing filled the air. Maybe it was a little over the top for a Wednesday night dinner. Something most normal people reserved for Sunday afternoons followed by hours spent on the couch watching whatever sporting event was on TV. But, nothing about the life they were leading was normal. Far from it.
Bella wanted to do this for Jacob. Charlie too for that matter. He had no idea that the investigation he was leading had nothing to do with some psychopathic murderer on the loose or that it was vampires and werewolves that roamed the woods at night.
With nothing to occupy her while dinner bubbled and warmed in the kitchen, Bella checked on Jacob, tiptoeing quietly into the darkened room just to hear his soft, even breathing. In sleep he looked so much more like the boy she once knew. Before all this monsters and magic crap had ruined their lives. So much about him had changed.
Most guys would have given their eyeteeth to have shot up overnight and have girls falling all over their muscular bodies the way Jacob did. They'd wish to look older than their years, negating the need for fake ID's to use at the local liquor store. But Jacob didn't want any of it. Maybe it was because his youth had already been forced away by caring for his handicapped father and paying bills. He wanted to cling to the few things that made him a teenager, that counted as normal in life.
Bella knelt next to him on the floor, resting her chin on the edge of the couch cushion, watching him sleep. How long she sat that way she didn't know. It didn't matter, really. Jacob brought her peace. When he was gone, the darkness would return.
Very lightly she traced her fingers over the line of his jaw, pausing briefly near his lips. She wondered what it would be like to kiss them. To feel soft warmth instead of cold stone. As she did so often these days, Bella cursed herself for not being able to give Jacob what he wanted and yet still too selfish to push him away.
"It's creepy to watch someone sleep, Bells. Normal people don't do that you know."
Bella jumped backwards, his words startling and reminding her of another time. A time when Edward used to watch over her in slumber.
Jacob sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Bells, you okay? I didn't mean to scare you. I figured you knew I was awake."
"No, it's fine," she covered, thinking she sounded perfectly normal. "I was gonna wake you up but I didn't have the heart to. Supper's ready."
He said nothing, but his eyes told her that he knew it was a lie. Jacob could read her like a book. He always had.
"Looks good, Bells. Really good," he said, staring at the mountain of food she placed before him. "Don't tell Emily, but you know you're a better cook than her. Your food always reminds me of my mom."
Bella set the gravy boat down on the table, then leaned over and kissed the short, silky strands of black hair that covered his head. "Thanks, Jake."
They ate quietly at first, neither saying much at all unless one counted the groans of delight. Bella picked at her meager serving while Jacob tore into his food with gusto, helping himself to seconds and then thirds. It wasn't until she put out the strawberry topped cheesecake she'd hurriedly whipped up from a box, that Jacob leaned back moaning and patting his stomach.
"Did the bottomless pit actually run out of room?" she laughed, poking at his food baby while he dodged her, shaking his head and smiling.
"No way. Just taking a five minute breather."
Bella stood up, clearing off the empty plates. "Then I'll get out the ice cream too. Vanilla ok?"
"Sure, sure," he agreed.
Jacob was unusually quiet while they ate dessert. Two pieces later he finally spoke. "Hey Bells, do you remember anything from when we were little kids?"
She shrugged, licking the strawberry filling off the tines of her fork. "A little. Not much though. I do remember a certain obnoxious boy following me around and shoving worms in my face."
"Yeah, I guess I did do that," he laughed. "Couldn't help it. I wanted your attention. Still do."
Again, guilt bubbled up. Jacob wore his heart on his sleeve. Bella reached for his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Well, you've got it, Jake," she assured him. "Really, you do. You make me happy."
"You were my best friend back then Bells."
"Just like now?" she asked.
Jacob smiled brightly, delving back into his cheesecake. "Nah. Now is better."
It bothered her though. As if he wanted her to recall something important. "What is it you wanted me to remember, Jake?"
"I dunno," he shrugged. "Anything I suppose. When you came back here, it was like you didn't know me. I remembered you though. You were always tearing around on the beach and in the woods, completely fearless and I was always running after you. Guess that hasn't changed much at all."
Bella closed her eyes, a flash of memories dancing in her mind. "There was this time I was walking on that skinny little path down to the beach from your house. It was getting late and I wanted to see the tide pools. I remember tripping over a log and twisting my ankle really bad. It hurt like hell but I really wanted to see the pools. You were right behind me. You helped me stand up and let me lean on you all the way down there. We sat on the edge of those pools looking at the starfish and coral until the sun went down and our dads came looking for us."
Bella opened her eyes, to see an astonished look on Jacob's face. It was what he needed. Reassurance that he mattered to her, not just now, but that he always had. "Jake, I may not remember much, but I do remember you. I never really forgot. Being here now, walking in the places we used to play, the memories are starting to come back."
She watched his face light up with joy. Like she'd somehow given him a gift. Bella resolved to try and make Jake happy more often. He was giving up so much for her. She'd try to live her life for him instead of wasting away.
Jacob's ears pricked up, the altered wolf senses hearing things humans could not. "Charlie's home. That's my cue to leave. I have to get back to patrols."
Charlie's footfalls could be heard on the porch when Jacob paused at the back door to hug her goodbye. "I'll be outside tonight, Bells. You'll be safe. I swear it."
"I'm always safe with you," she whispered, wishing he didn't have to go.
Jacob's hand was on the doorknob when he spoke again, as if it were something he had to say, that he needed her to hear. "You know this isn't your fault, right? None of this. You didn't cause this Bella. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people. It's not fair that you got put into this situation by things or people who should have known better."
She knew that he wanted desperately for her to understand that. In his own way, he was forgiving her, absolving sin that had unwittingly been cast on her small shoulders.
"I know Jake. I just wish I could believe that."
He reached out to her, cupping her cheek with his hand. "You will, Bella. One day you will."
Then just like that, he was gone. A flash of warm, rusty fur disappearing into the vast Olympic forest.
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