Hi Everyone! It's a pretty rainy, yucky Monday in my neck of the woods. I always have loved seeing updates on Monday's so I thought I'd change the posting schedule to Monday & Thursday. Enjoy!

Chapter 3 - Madness

"Hi Billy." Bella's timid voice broke the early morning silence of the small red house.

"Morning, sweetheart." Billy Black's bright smile greeted her over his coffee cup as he motioned for her to join him for some breakfast. "Jake's on patrol today. He left pretty early."

Bella looked at him with some confusion. "I thought he had patrol last night."

Billy sighed heavily, knowing his son had been keeping some things from her. "Bella, the boys are pulling double duty and Jake barely comes home as it is." He held up a hand, stopping her from saying anything. "He wants to make sure you're safe. Truth is, I don't think he trusts the others to do the job. It's the alpha in him, I suppose."

She sat down at the faded kitchen table, looking into Billy's black eyes as if challenging the old chief to do something about it. "Yeah, well, he needs to sleep from time to time too. Maybe I'll see about staying here tonight if you don't mind. I'm sure if I were a few feet away he'd take a night off and rest."

He patted her hand gratefully. "That'd be nice Bella. Honestly, I'd be glad for the company. Jakes been gone so much lately and Charlie's so busy at work. Old men get lonely easily."

Bella rolled her eyes at him. "You're not old, Billy."

"And you're not as broken as you seem to think." Billy eyed her seriously and Bella knew this was one conversation she couldn't fake her way out of.

She tried to snatch her hand away, but he held fast to her. "Billy, please don't," she begged, unwilling to have this discussion.

Instead he looked at her sternly, determined that she would listen to him. Someone had to get through to her and he felt that he had to try. "No Bella. You need to hear this. I've loved you like a daughter all your life, even if you can't remember it. I watched Charlie's heart break in two every single summer when you'd have to go back to Arizona. There was so much light in your eyes, even as a little girl. I know that Renee is your mom and you love her, but you've had to shoulder too many of the responsibilities that she should have. Your mother was my friend, but your life has always been far more important to me than hers. When you decided to come here, it took guts. You started over in a new town, a new school. You made those sacrifices for your mom."

Bella squirmed and scuffed the rubber toe of her shoe against the worn linoleum. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. Renee Swan was a flighty woman. As often as Bella defended her, the truth was that she was selfish.

"Sweetheart, when you met Edward Cullen you let him become your whole world."

Bella jerked her chin, suddenly angry. Who was he to pass judgment on her? What made him the expert on her life, her feelings?

Billy waved his hand in the air gesturing. "Now don't get your dander up young lady. I think at the time you felt alone in a small town and he was a big mystery to solve. It's easy to understand how someone would get caught up in the romance of living forever. The fact is, he's a predator Bella. Plain and simple. It's in his nature. Vampires attract humans whether they want to or not."

A memory flashed through her mind. The quiet stillness of the woods. A velvet voice, its delightful melody tinged with warning. Everything about me invites you in. My voice, my face, even my smell. As if I would need any of that. As if you could outrun me. As if you could fight me off. I'm designed to kill.

Part of her wanted to scream. To cry and fight. To shout to the world it wasn't true. Edward loved her. She loved him. There was nothing mystical about it. Instead her lips betrayed her with a whisper.

"I was his singer." She glanced upward, afraid to meet Billy Black's eyes. "My blood called to him. He said it was stronger than the others. The way I smelled."

Billy nodded in comprehension. "I see. Bella, was there ever a time when you wanted to do something but Edward persuaded you otherwise?" he asked, as if he were trying to make her remember something. "Did any of them ever get you to do a thing you wouldn't ordinarily do and yet you found yourself doing it anyway?"

Bella thought back to Alice, steamrolling her into shopping and playing dress-up. The way they all watched her eat like she was some kind of circus sideshow. All of the times Edward refused to let her drive her truck. Was Billy right? The girl she used to be would have put her foot down. Yet with the Cullen family she wanted to fit in so badly. To have what they did.

To belong.

Fear and realization swept over her, sending chills up her spine. Bella looked at Billy with wide-eyed horror. "Do you think they..."

Billy just shook his head. "I'm not sure. At least you're thinking about it kiddo. I know you can't tell Charlie about all this stuff. Even Jake has his own interests. You can come talk to me anytime. Sometimes it helps to get it all off your chest. Just don't forget, Bella. You're tougher than you think."

Bella gave him a hug, muttering a quick "Thanks" before telling him she was heading to the beach. She needed some space to stretch her legs and think. Part of her knew that what Billy said was true. Before Edward she'd been a different girl. After he came along, she had forgotten who she was inside. Everything revolved around him. Even now, broken and weak, he controlled her from afar. All of the recklessness just to hear his voice. The months of sadness and despair. It had to end and she knew it.

An hour later Bella Swan found herself standing on the cliffs staring down into the icy, swirling blue waters of the Pacific.

One jump.

Just one. One last time to hear his voice. Then she'd try to be better. To be the friend Jacob deserved, the daughter Charlie loved.

Her foot teetered at the ledge, toying with danger.

Bella, please. Don't do this.

"You wanted me to be human," she whispered. "Watch me."

Bella, please don't do this.

Edward's rich voice begged and pleaded with her, but she was determined. "You won't stay with me any other way."

Then she leapt into the unknown. The freezing water hit her body and stabbed like a thousand knives. The pain was unbearable, but heated emotion inside of her rose to the surface. Pride, defiance, euphoria. This time, she was in control.

Bella never counted on the undertow.

Waves crashed over her head, pulling her down and choking out her last breath before she was ready. Then the blackness of death surrounded her.

"Bella! Damnit Bella! Breathe! Someone get help, now!" She could hear the panicked voice calling, pleading with her to come back. Only this time, it wasn't Edward.

Spluttering and crying from the hard pounding on her back, Bella's eyes opened to find the face of her savior. Jacob's worried eyes penetrated her more deeply than the frozen water.

"Thank God," he gasped. "Oh thank God, you're alright."

Everything hurt. All of her muscles had contracted, the joints of her body so stiff that laying in the sand Bella knew she couldn't move even if she tried. "Cold. So. Cold," she shivered, absolutely certain her lips must be blue.

"Let's get you out of here." Jacob scooped her up as if she weighed no more than a mere feather, legs running as fast as they could toward home. Warmth slowly seeped through her frozen limbs. Painful needles pricked and chipped away at flesh and bone. Bella's teeth chattered involuntarily, her throat raw and clogged with tears.

Jacob burst through the door of the little red house, racing into his room and dumping her on the bed. Quickly he tucked the long unused comforter around her thin body, warming it with his own before diving into his closet to search for the smallest pieces of clothing he owned.

"Bells, honey, you need to get out of those wet clothes. Do you think you can do it, or do you want my help?"

"Help.. please." Every single one of her muscles ached. Jacob's fingers left trails of heat over the goose-fleshed skin. He situated himself behind her on the bed, gently peeling off the layers of clothing. His fingers paused briefly over the clasp of her bra and she registered the sharp intake of his breath before freeing her from the garment. Swiftly, he pulled the old sweatshirt down over her head, covering her cold flesh.

It was soft, warm and smelled of Jacob. His hands wandered down to her overly thin waist, practically spanning it with their size.

He hesitated, unsure of what to do next. "Bells, do you think you can... Do you want me to?"

"My fingers are so stiff. I trust you, Jake."

"Ok."

Even though she couldn't see him, Bella knew his eyes were squeezed shut in concentration. Undressing her was awkward given the status of their relationship. After he had lifted her and pushed the jeans down past her hips, she managed to wiggle out of them, saving him further embarrassment.

He quickly covered her naked half with the comforter, opting to hold her closely instead of helping her get into the sweatpants that he was sure would be six sizes too big. Ever so slowly she began to relax against him, cocooned in the blanket and surrounded by his strength.

"What were you thinking, Bella? You could have died out there today." Jacob's voice shook with fear. Death had knocked on their door today.

"I just... he wanted me to be human. I hear him Jake. I hear him all the time. Every time I do something stupid. I feel like I'm insane. He won't let me go and it hurts so much. I'm so sorry Jake. I'm so sorry."

Bella buried her face in his shoulder, her small chest wracked with violent sobs. Jacob rested his chin on top of her head, trying to understand.

"The bikes?" he asked. "Is that why..."

She didn't miss the hint of devastation in his voice, just as he didn't miss the guilt, the remorse in hers. "Yes... and no. I didn't realize then. I just wanted something to do. I didn't know if you'd want me around and I figured that if I brought those..."

"Bells, I always want you around. I won't lie. I'm fucking pissed."

She dared not look at him. It would hurt too much to see the anger in his eyes. Their friendship was over. She was sure of it. "It's ok if you hate me now. I'll leave you alone."

"No, I'm fucking pissed off that damn leech did this to you! This shit isn't your fault. It's his."

He was practically shouting and she could feel him shake next to her. Bella felt like a petulant child. She wanted him to understand. She had to explain. "I swear Jake, I'm trying. I really am. It just always hurts so damn much. Sometimes it feels like my chest is gonna explode."

Jacob pushed her from his chest, lifting her chin and forcing her to look at him. The sternness in his eyes leaving little doubt of what he expected from her from now on. "Just talk to me from now on. No more dangerous stunts. I swear to God, I'll tie you to the fucking bed if I have to. This ends now."

"Ok." Bella was ready to stop. To let go. If only it were that easy.

They laid together quietly for a while, the ticking of the kitchen clock echoing loudly through the house. There was so much frustration, so much hurt between them. Yet, there was still friendship and love.

The incessant ring of the telephone shattered the self-imposed silence. Though they tried to ignore it, whoever the caller was didn't give up.

"Bells, I'm gonna see who that is and make you some hot tea. Do you think you can get some pants on? I'm sixteen and there's only so much I can take."

"Sure." Bella smiled weakly, trying to show him everything was fine even if it was far from it. He kissed her lightly on the forehead then padded into the kitchen.

Bella laid there, listening to Jacob's deep murmurs over the telephone, wondering why he even still bothered with her. He had never made any secret of his love for her. Often she wondered when he'd figure it out. She wasn't worth his love. She was ruined.

Edward had ruined her.

Drifting in and out of consciousness, half asleep in that place between dreaming and awake, the same old nightmares threatened to break the surface when Jacob appeared in the doorway with a steaming cup in hand, looking old beyond his years.

"Hey," she croaked, giving him a half-hearted smile.

Jacob crossed the room, seating himself beside her. "So, that was Emily. Harry Clearwater had a heart attack. They don't think he's gonna make it."

Bella sat up, worried and sad. "I should call Charlie."

He handed her the teacup, urging her to drink. "He's already there, honey. I'm gonna take you home and stay with you until they get back. My dad's with him."

She sipped the hot tea, wincing slightly as it poured down her sore throat. "What else? What aren't you telling me?"

Jacob sighed heavily burying his face in his hands. "Seth, he had started the change. Leah started shaking. They're both pack now. It was her phasing that triggered the heart attack."

Bella's heart sank like a stone. Once more the guilt bubbled up inside of her. It was her fault, all of it. Then quite suddenly, Jacob's strong hand squeezed her knee in reassurance.

"I know what you're thinking, honey. There's nothing you could have done. It's not your fault. Just them being here made it happen to all of us."

It was then that anger began to sear through her veins like fire. Anger at Edward, at all of the Cullens for coming to Forks. They'd screwed up so many lives without thought to who it might affect.

"Jake, why did you pull me out of the water? How did you even know how to find me?"

He looked at her, searching her face for something. What, she didn't know. "We were chasing the redhead," he explained. "She'd run for the shore. I don't normally go too far from wherever you are. Guess I just don't trust the other guys to take care of you the way I would. Half of them have their imprints. I dunno," he shrugged. "Just makes more sense."

"Anyway, today she dove into the water. I got a chunk out of her, but wasn't fast enough. Then I saw you jump and dove in after you." Bella listened quietly as his voice began to tremble and his hands began to shake. "I... I was so scared Bells. I didn't think... I wasn't sure if I... Then you weren't breathing..."

It was then that Jacob Black finally broke down. The weight of the world crushing his shoulders. Bella knew what she had done was unforgivable. Unforgivable and selfish. The pack was trying to keep her alive. Jacob was going without sleep so that she could live and today she had thrown that gift away like it was garbage.

Bella put the teacup down on the nightstand and threw her arms around his neck, trying to give him what he had shared with her all these months. Comfort.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, pressing her cool cheek against his warmer one, holding him tightly to her as if she could shelter him from all the hurt, bandage all the pain she'd inflicted by blanketing him with her love.

He patted her arm softly, as if he just wasn't ready. "We should really get going, Bells."

Bella curled into Jacob's warmth on the drive home. It would be so easy to love him if only she could still love anyone. He deserved to be happy. To have more than a girlfriend who was only half alive. She knew it was foolish to throw away the only happiness in her life. Yet she knew one day he'd probably imprint and then she'd be alone again. Just as broken as the day Sam had found her in the woods. The hole in her chest threatened to burst open again.

Jacob pulled to a stop in front of the darkened house, killing the ignition of the noisy old truck and plunging them into the silence of the sleepy streets of Forks. Bella wondered if she could do it. If she could commit as much of herself as she could and hope that it would be enough.

Suddenly he threw his other arm around her, crushing her with his warmth and love. "Sorry. I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing - and that's something nobody wants to hear."

She knew then that if she turned her face just to the side, if she gave him the least bit of encouragement, pressed her lips to his skin that the inevitable would happen. It would make him so happy. Then before she could, Jacob released her and opened the truck door, holding out his hand with a smile to help her inside.

"So, how about I pick out some cheesy movie while you go take a hot shower, Bells?"

"Yea, that sounds good," she agreed, grateful for a return to normalcy. "Call in a pizza order too. There's money for it in the drawer."

"Sure thing. Can you make it up the stairs or do you want me to carry you?"

"Honestly, I feel a lot better. I'll be fine," she assured him. He looked at her dubiously, but let her go.

Bella walked unsteadily on her feet, taking the stairs one at a time with marked precision. Jacob didn't need her to fall. He didn't need her to hurt herself. He didn't need to mistake clumsiness for insanity.

The water rushing over her body felt good. Bella stayed under the spray for a long time, washing the salty pacific from her tangled hair, waiting for the heat to finally creep back into her bones. Finally warmed, she turned off the water and wrapped herself in a fluffy towel. Steam billowed all around her in the cramped bathroom. Condensation covered the mirror, obscuring her image.

Bella wiped it down with a rag, then stared back at the reflection of herself. For the first time in months she finally saw what others did when they looked at her. Bruise-like shadows had formed beneath her eyes like darkened crescent moons, marking nights filled with terror and insomnia. The once thick curls of her hair hung limp, lifeless without their old shine. Another telltale mark of a poor diet, just like the pointed tips of her collar bone sticking out absurdly like two little fists.

The creaminess of her skin had become sallow, yet it was the haunted look in her eyes that bothered Bella the most. Gone were the days when she had smiled at herself in the mirror, thinking of all that life had to offer. The sparkle was replaced by a quiet desperation of sorts. Waiting on a man who would never return. One who had tossed her aside like yesterday's news.

"I hate you. I hate what you did to me," she whispered. Bella glanced down at the scar that marred her wrist, then traced her fingertips over the cold, marbled flesh. It was all she had left. Nothing but a reminder of what her life had become. A living, breathing nightmare.

Suddenly, she was angry. Irate and irrational. It bubbled up inside like a rushing river breaking over the banks. Bella laughed uncontrollably, her face twisted and contorted with a thousand different emotions. "You threw me away like I meant nothing. I don't even know who you are! You make me sick. Selfish. Fucking selfish!"

She was unaware of her voice rising, alarming the boy downstairs who had waited so patiently for her all these months like a lost dog.

Then her voice dropped an octave lower, the evil lunacy of it making Jacob's blood run cold with fear. He raced up the stairs shouting her name and began to pound on the locked door. "Bells, let me in. What's going on? I'm fucking scared. Let me in!"

Bella balled her hand up in a tight fist, ignoring Jacob's plea. In one fluid motion she smashed it into the mirror, shattering the glass with a single blow. Breaking the pathetic reflection of weakness into a thousand pointed shards.

The sting of pain felt good. It made her feel alive. Like an electric shock, it jolted her senses into high alert. Adrenaline coursed through her veins and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears.

Bella vibrated like a live wire.

Liquid red oozed from her knuckles, bits of glass stuck into her skin like grotesque glitter. Glancing back at a hundred reflections of herself in the spider-webbed mirror, she noticed one loose fragment. Sharp and deadly.

Bella pried the shard of mirror from the corner, careful not to break it. It was her only hope. Salvation by flagellation.

If the eye offends thee, pluck it out.

Jacob pounded harder on the door, ready to burst in at any second. Bella brought sharp edge down quickly, breaking through hardened flesh, sawing away the cold which tortured her soul.

With real fear in her eyes, Bella Swan watched the horrid strands of silver free themselves from beneath the prison of her skin. Reaching outward like evil fingers of death and wrapping themselves around the crimson blood which flowed freely from her wrist.

The bathroom door splintered under Jacob's weight, breaking from the hinges.

His eyes lit first on the mirror and then on the blood dripping to the floor. She saw the wolf in him recoil in horror, nostrils flaring from and filling with the undiluted scent of venom.

"FUCK! What the hell!" Jacob raced into her bedroom, snatching the cellphone that lay on her dresser. Bella could hear him shouting, but madness had taken her.

She wavered between laughing hysterically and sobbing uncontrollably. The smell of rust mixed with the sickly sweet scent of vampire had sent her into the combined state of euphoria and stomach churning disgust. The world was spinning like crazy, blackness threatening the far reaches of her mind.

"Just fucking get here quick!" Jacob's frantic voice echoed through the silent house. His large frame stood in the doorway, casting a shadow over Bella's prone, naked form.

"Bells, honey, I can't come any closer. The wolf... Billy and Old Quil are on their way here. I can't take you to a hospital. That thing... it has to be burned."

Vaguely Bella wondered if they would cut off her arm. She could almost see herself standing in the backyard, blood leaking from her stump and purple smoke rising from the flames while the pack stood around gawking.

Somewhere in the house a door opened, shouting and the thunder of footsteps echoing through the quiet stillness. Bella's eyes fluttered, slipping in and out of a state of unconsciousness. She barely registered it when a pair of arms slipped around her body, aware that it wasn't one of the pack. Possibly Old Quil. These days she weighed next to nothing, not a hard feat for an old man.

Lights from above burned the back of her eyelids, her back resting on something hard and cold. So cold. The voices surrounding her were murky, as if she were listening under ten feet of water. Part of her wondered if she was already dead, her soul stuck in some sort of purgatory where she could hear the living but not walk amongst them.

"Bella! Bella! Can you hear me? I need you to open your eyes." Billy's voice was frantic, pleading and desperate. "Son, how much blood did she lose?"

"I don't know Dad. I can't get too close. The wolf... he's ready to come out."

"Then get outside, Jacob." It wasn't Billy commanding him. It was the Chief of the tribe.

"No, I'm not leaving her!" he shouted. "Bella open your eyes!"

Ever so slowly, she cracked open her heavy lids, wincing when her eyes landed on the lightbulb above her. "Jake. Cold. I'm so cold."

Billy's wrinkled old face came into her line of vision. "Bella, listen to me. Jake can't get too close to you right now. The venom is clinging to you. Does it hurt anywhere? Do you feel any different?"

She knew what he was asking. The worried tone of his voice told her what words did not. They all wanted to know if she was becoming a vampire. The burn wasn't there. The venom wasn't spreading inwardly, only out. Spilling out with her blood. Bella raised her arm to see what had become of her moment of insanity.

Thick crimson dripped down her arm, staining her white skin. The venom had snaked around her wrist, looking like a grotesque silver bracelet.

"I'm not... it's not. I'm ok, Billy. It doesn't burn. Not like when he bit me."

Jacob's growl reverberated through the house, echoed by another wolf. Sam, maybe? Embry? She wasn't sure, who.

"Out! Now! Both of you!" ordered Billy.

Bella's eyes had closed again, though she forced herself to stay awake, concentrating hard on the voices which surrounded her.

"Bella, we're going to take it away. Try to relax. It's going to be fine."

It felt like thorns when the venom was plucked away from her skin. As if it were clinging to her like super glue. It wanted in. To possess and take over her human body. Each thread was excised with caution and precision. One false move and she was dead.

While Billy removed the threat from her body, Old Quil chanted prayers for her soul in a language she wasn't able to understand.

"It's done. Boys, get in here and start a fire. Hurry!"

Bella felt Billy's hand on her forehead, soothing away the demons that had haunted her. "It's gonna be ok, sweetheart. Everything will be ok from now on."

She could feel the familiar sting of a needle tugging her skin back together. Bella wondered vaguely who was stitching her back up, but lacked the strength to ask. The last thing she could recall before falling into blackness was a pair of warm arms surrounding her and a low voice murmuring her name.

Thoughts? I'd love to hear them!