Trial and Error
By: Akinriah Tram
Chapter Two: I'll let you see my wilder side if I can see your bones
"My name is Cagalli Zala and I am pleased to meet you."
Her mouth slightly dropped as she felt the axis of her world flipped around. This unexpected declaration sounded all too wrong; a sick joke that went out of hand. She couldn't even put on her mask of indifference or laugh at the absurdity of it.
Her heart was now pounding against her ribcage and all the adrenaline rushed to her feet.
"I-" She began but couldn't finish her sentence. She couldn't continue to look at the little girl's mischievous smile or the look of betrayal flickering in Athrun's eyes. She couldn't take it, so she did what she should've done an hour ago: she ran.
As Cagalli darted out the door, she chided herself for being such a coward. She could have put on a well-practiced smile and exchanged a few detached pleasantries. She could have asked a few impersonal questions about the current events. She could have asked about the development of the new gundam models. She could have done a lot of things, but instead, she chose to run.
Her body shook and she sighed, thinking how she should've downed the cup of coffee Lacus had brought back. She really needed it. It would have taken away her anxiety, even if it was the seventh cup that day. She was so miserable, to the point where drinking the night away with Kronenbourg 1664 Blanc wouldn't be enough. The aftermath of their run in wouldn't even result in her locking herself in her office. No, she would probably lock herself in her house and do nothing. It would take her weeks before she reverted back to the detached workaholic she was.
This was why she went through pains to avoid him. Just one glance and her emotional world that she desperately tried so hard to hold up with apathy glue came crumbling down in mere seconds. Around others, she was able to put on a mask of indifference and pretend everything was right. With him, everything fell apart faster than she turn her back and run.
"Cagalli!"
She didn't dare stop and turn back. If anything, she sped up faster.
"Cagalli!"
A hand reached out and grabbed her arm, twirling her around. If he hadn't been holding her steadily, she would've fallen.
"Cagalli."
Emerald eyes bored down into ephemeral amber eyes with anger. For a moment, time froze as the whirlwind of the past memories came crashing down on her.
"Let go." She said stiffly as she tried pulling away, but his grip on her hardened. "Let go, Athrun."
"Why did you come back?"
She averted her eyes when she saw the look of betrayal in his eyes again. She didn't know how to respond. It was much too awkward to bring up her wedding with Yuna. She should've mailed the damn invitations.
"Why did you finally come back only to run again?" His voice was calm and collected, but the tone of his sentence was coated in trepidation.
Cagalli clenched her hands into fists. She refused to fall apart in front of him. She didn't want him to see the pain that she was going through, but her body refused her wishes. It trembled to the point where she had no control over it.
Someone, help me.
"You left me for waiting for two years before I gave up. And you never crossed my sight for thirteen years. Why now? Why did you decide to appear now? What am I supposed to do now?" Gone was the level-headed boy who was once admired for being calm and collected in all situations. Gone was the man who was quiet and reserved, following orders while silently questioning, but never voicing them out.
"You did the right thing. You're a married man now. You're even a father. Let things remain the same." She made no effort to conceal the bitterness in her voice.
"But—"
"Nothing's going to change. The purpose of your existence has shifted to your family. There's no going back, even for me." She paused before looking into his eyes, "I'm marrying Yuna."
His gripped loosened as his eyes filled with shock. She could feel his hurt and see him trying not to fall apart before her.
They were only in their thirties, yet why did it feel like their lives were over?
She fought back the tears that were overcoming her as she took off the necklace around her neck. His eyes widened at the sight of the silver chain holding the familiar silver ring that he had slipped onto her finger fifteen years ago.
Grabbing his hand, Cagalli was scared her fingers would refuse to give away the ring. When things came to him, her body seemed to have a mind of its own. She had tried to throw the ring away once, but she never succeeded. In the end, she wore it as a pendant on a necklace, which was always hidden inside her shirt. However it proved to be easier than she anticipated.
The necklace dropped onto the palm of his hands, as if it was happy to meet its original owner again.
"It's really goodbye this time, Athrun." Cagalli said evenly before turning around and walking away.
She never saw how his hands clenched tightly around the necklace. She never saw him shaking as her words sunk in. She never saw Athrun's broken expression. Surprisingly, her voice didn't crack as she uttered her goodbye.
Her world didn't tumble down like she anticipated.
-;-
The coffee shop was quiet and cozy as Cagalli sat on the couch next to the fireplace. She had found the shop a couple of blocks down the road and to say she was happy was an understatement. The extra large Americano definitely helped in calming her down from the previous traumatic events. She inhaled the aroma of her coffee in satisfaction.
"What are you doing, Cagalli?"
Of course only Kira was able to find her in a random coffee shop and act like their verbal fight didn't occur.
"There's only one in this area and I know you have a dependence for caffeine in your system."
She opened her eyes and winced at the dim lights of the coffee shop. "How did you-"
"You muttered it out loud." Kira's voice was dry and full of displeasure, clearly unimpressed at her escapade and still bitter from their former dispute.
She took a swig of her Americano.
"Were you crying?"
"No, it was the rain." she replied.
Cagalli couldn't find it in her heart to cry anymore. During the first few years alone in Orb, she had cried in the darkest hours of the night in her cold bed, wishing for time to just stop, for her father to come back, and for her to marry Athrun. She wished for herself to feel happy again. Slowly, the craving waned and she was able to chuck the pieces of her misery into a corner of her heart and ignore them. There was no more crying, only acceptance and bitterness.
"Do you love Yuna?"
She winced at his direct question. It was just like Kira to directly question her feelings and reasoning without a care at how unpleasant it made her feel. Kira had a knack for doing that. After all, he did slap her across the face even before they became close friends. She snorted at the thought.
"I love Yuna." She answered him, ignoring the strangeness of it all. She knew she did love Yuna, but it was different.
Kira's eyes narrowed as his lips thinned out and he stared at her. His silence amplified his imposing aura, which Cagalli never knew he possessed. This must be the changes of spending fifteen years apart. This difference reminded her of their current age and where they stood in the world. Kira was now an military official of ZAFT, influential and valiant. He was no longer the sixteen year old boy who cried over the death of the civilians.
They were no longer the same people. There was no going back to the past.
Kira heaved a sigh, "Do you really, Cagalli?" Surprisingly, his voice was calm and gentle. "If you do love him, I won't object, but he might be manipulating you again."
"He gave me months, Kira. I had a lot of time to think about it."
She grabbed her drink and took another sip. The coffee was cold now. Cagalli felt that she had been here longer than she should've. It was time to leave. She couldn't deal with Kira's questions anymore. She stood up, but Kira, snaked out his arm and stopped her from escaping.
"Don't run away." His voice was commanding, commendable of being a ZAFT official.
"I'm not." She felt her body trembled in defiance. "I'm just getting a refill of my Americano."
Kira let go of her arms.
"I'm sorry about blowing up."
"You're forgiven." She said simply. It was how their relationship worked after all.
"Does he love you?"
"He does."
"And you believe him." There was an underlying scorn in his voice, which was followed by a sigh.
"Yes, I do."
"What about Athrun?"
The question caught her off-guard. It was a simple question, but at the same time, the weight of its meaning managed to pull her down hundreds of meters down the ocean. Her lungs suddenly demanded air and she had to chugged the rest of her cold coffee down to calm herself.
"Don't tell me you no longer have feelings for Athrun," She could hear the grinding of her brother's teeth.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, "I still do."
Even though Cagalli was a runner, she was not a liar. For the past fifteen years, she had been hiding and running away from them. She couldn't bear to see him. Every day, she hoped that her love for him would fade.
"But we've already lost too many years of life, Kira. Athrun has a family now. There's Meyrin and-" she paused, "and that girl." Saying the name of Athrun's child was unbearable and Cagalli suddenly found a new aversion towards her own name.
"But—"
"There are no buts, Kira. I'm going through with the wedding."
"You can't marry someone you don't love! After all, marriage is sacred."
"And as I told you, I love Yuna."
When Kira didn't say anything, she walked away, chucked her empty cup into the trash bin, and slipped out the door.
A/N: I can't believe I still recognize some of your names from years ago. As much as you guys all hate Yuna, he will play a central role in this story. With that being said, I can't kill him off. Hopefully my take on Yuna will alter your perception of him. Chapter three is undergoing revision again, so it'll probably take another month before it comes out. The good news is that I've written the first draft of the ending! Please review! I can't wait to hear from you!