A/N: Like I promised, this chapter is up! AnimeSiren was busy all September with her Masters' thesis so she couldn't get back to me until now. I posted it up as soon as I received and tweaked it. Thank you for being so patient, reviewing, and adding this story to your alerts and favorites! It really fuels me to write.
Dinah: You made me laughed with your analogy of "a month of waiting anticipation is like waiting for your pay cheque to come in." At least it's not postdated, right? I hope I will live up the your expectations on Yuna. I quite adore him as a character in this story. Thanks for the awesome long review!
Trial and Error
By: Akinriah Tram
Chapter Three: Skin keeps your heart in, when you're one still believing
Athrun didn't know how long he stood there, watching the vacant spot where she once stood. Once again, he failed to tell her he needed her. The outcome was inevitable. She was always so close to him, yet not close enough for him to pull her back. Like her name, she was full of life and light. It allowed others to depend on her, but in consequence, she burned out and disappeared from his grasp.
He gripped the silver necklace and stared down at the ring. Fifteen years and the ring still held the same glimmer as if not a day had passed since he quietly slipped it on her finger. He thought she had thrown it away, never expected her to wear it around her neck, but now that she returned it to him, it signified the end. She was going to let go of their past.
"The purpose of your existence has shifted to your family. There's no going back now."
Athrun punched the bark of the tree in resentment.
Even though they had been apart for fifteen years, he still wanted her to love him the way she did when they were seventeen. It was ironic how the war days were the ones that held his happiness. Now, their eyes only held regrets.
Athrun wondered when everything had gone wrong. Was it Fate mocking them or was it their own fault for letting go of so many chances? He wondered if things would've changed if he had fought for their relationship.
Fifteen years had fled by them, but while it disappeared quickly, each and every day felt like an eternity. For those many years, Athrun had distracted himself from thoughts of her with his new family. Both Meyrin's and his life revolved around their daughter, whom Meyrin had named.
"Why did you name her Cagalli?" There was time which he resented the name. It only served to rub salt on the wound that had never fully healed.
"It's easier to live when you accept the truth." His wife had replied with a smile. In retrospect, that smile was probably a painful one - to acknowledge that she would never be loved the way she wanted. He wasn't sure whether she did it for him or for herself.
Perhaps Meyrin had been right. The name of his daughter had served as a reminder that he would always love Cagalli and when he was able to cope with that fact, living became much easier. However, it still hurt, knowing that Cagalli took all the precautions to steer clear of him, never stepping a foot onto PLANT unless it couldn't be avoided due to international affairs. And even then, she left like the wind, never staying longer than necessary during their meetings.
He was never able to catch sight of her even when he went out his way to find her. Now that he talked to her for the first time in fifteen years, he realized that time did really change a person. She had lost a lot of weight, which was probably due to the caffeine she substituted for food. Every time Kira came back from Orb, Athrun would hear his friend complained about the excessive amount of caffeine Cagalli consumed.
It worried him to not see her and hear these detrimental habits she developed over the years. He had hoped that she no longer drank into the night, which was her favorite hobby. And though he wasn't sure if she did, he knew that she didn't sleep. The pale hue of her skin only highlighted how tired she looked. But nevertheless, even if she looked tired and frail, there was still stubbornness and determination behind those fiery amber eyes. It was one of her many physical traits that he admired.
"Father."
Athrun pulled himself out of his thoughts and turned to the familiar voice. He never expected to see his thirteen-year-old daughter. Even though she was named after his love, their relationship was distant and cold. Athrun wondered when it had happened, when his daughter shut the door between their worlds. No, he knew: it was after Meyrin's death. The cheerful and giddy daughter that he once held in his arms was no longer present.
"She's the girl that Mother named me after, isn't she?" Cag asked with a frown on her face. It was strange how the presence of a mere woman could get his daughter to talk to him of her own free will. Usually, he was the one who initiate their conversations and her replies were always concise and detached.
"Are you disappointed?"
"Of course. Being named after your first and only love, I thought she would be prettier," She sniffed with her face pointed upward, but then she made her way to the playground with her umbrella. Sitting down on the wet platform, she continued, "Truthfully, I was hoping she'd have some enviable quality. That way, I could justify the reason to why you never loved Mommy the way you loved her."
Cag was right. An ordinary person who didn't know Cagalli would never understand the charm that she radiated. While his daughter was the epitome of beauty and sophistication, with soft cotton candy curly hair framing her diamond face and long eyelashes that curled above her sky blue eyes, Cagalli was headstrong and full of fire, ready to argue for what she stood for. His daughter lived the life of a young lady: wearing dresses, reading quietly in the family library, and play the piano, while the princess of Orb was ungraceful. She'd rather chase chaos and action than sit hours, diligently learning a new talent or honing her domestic skills. However, that was what made her lovable, for she was able to bring her personality wherever she went. She displayed her flaws, which empowered her rather than impeded her. People truly respected and trusted her.
"I do love your mother though."
"You need to stop lying to yourself. The one you love is her." A fragment of his conversation with Meyrin flew into his head. She had repeated it on multiple occasions, especially whenever he told her that he loved her.
"You love her differently. You love her the way you love Aunt Lacus."
He walked over to his daughter and kneeled down to her level. His heart sank when he saw her face encompassed in sadness and resentment. "Are you mad, Cag?"
His daughter shook her head, but a crystal tear drop had managed to escape her eye and down her cheek. Perhaps this was what Cagalli meant when she said that his existence was now dedicated solely to his family. Cag would never come to accept another person as her mother, even if she knew the truth of her parents' tragic love. The fact that she was crying reinforced it all.
"I'm not mad." She said hoarsely, as if trying to convince herself. "I can't be mad. Mommy already explained it to me."
"Cagalli came here to deliver a wedding invitation." He bent down and wiped the tears that were running down her face, ignoring the ache of his heart. The raindrops that fell on him only reinforced his feeling of drowning in darkness."Nothing is going to change. You are the most important person in my life."
Her eyes widened as her mouth parted in surprise, "The most important? You actually love me?"
A deep chill went through his bones and he froze at the eeriness of her questions.
"Of course I love you the most," He frowned in confusion, "You are my daughter."
She looked into his eyes, as if searching for the truth in his words. And then his daughter broke into hysterics. Cagalli Zala had never been the type to let her emotions show openly, let alone cry.
"Cagalli, what's wrong?"
The younger girl continued to sob as she shook her head.
Athrun wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest.
"Do you remember when you were nine, Cag? Do you remember the promise you made to me?" Seeing that his daughter wasn't going to reply to him any time, he continued, "You promised me that you'd tell me everything."
She never replied, so Athrun just hugged her. He didn't know what to say. It felt like somewhere along the way, his innocent daughter had been pulled into his tragic life, carrying a burden that he and his wife had failed to see. He had failed as a father.
Slowly, the hysteric sobs subsided into whimpers and Cagalli was able to speak again.
"I was scared that you'd abandon me after Mommy died," She said softly as she pulled back and looked into his eyes. "After all, I was the only obstacle that prevented you from going to Orb. I was so scared that you'd one day leave me with Aunt Lacus and never come back. I even prepared by distancing myself from you."
"What are you saying, Cagalli?" His voice was low and grave. Over the past thirteen years, he had never used her full name. It had always been Cag, but the current truth and the seriousness of the revelation was too much for him to handle. "Why did you think that I would abandon you?"
Her lips quivered as she tried unsuccessfully to fight back another round of tears. "It would only make sense, wouldn't it? After all, I was already thrown away once so it's only predictable if it happens again."
His eyes narrowed dangerously as his frown deepened at the absurdity of her ludicrous statement.
"What did your mother tell you?"
His daughter said a lot of things, but because she was crying, he couldn't hear all of them. However, only one thing mattered, "She said I was adopted."
Athrun's face hardened. The adoption was something Meyrin and he were supposed to discuss with Cag when she was twelve. However, it completely slipped his mind after Meyrin's death. With the funeral to be arranged, the work that piled up in the office, and the heartache that numbed his body, Athrun had forgotten about it. He definitely made it to the list of Neglectful Fathers.
The shame that he felt from before heightened.
"I'm sorry, Cag. I'm sorry I neglected you all these years." He hugged her tighter and gently brushed her hair with his fingers. It had calmed her down when she was a child and he hoped it still did the same.
She visibly relaxed in his arms.
"I want you to know that I love you. You will forever be my daughter even if we aren't related by blood. No one will come between us."
"But," She pulled back at his answer, "what about Cagalli? She's the love of your life."
Athrun closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself to sever the tie that linked his and Cagalli's destiny. It was something he hoped to never happen, but when there was another person at stake - a child's happiness- it was only inevitable.
A forlorn smile appeared on his face as he took her hands stared up at the dark charcoal sky; it was no longer raining.
"And you're my daughter."
Once again, Cagalli was right: his existence revolved around his family now.
A/N: This story is finalized with five chapters and an epilogue! Next chapter will be up in a month! Hopefully, I'd have my epilogue done by then. I'd love to hear thoughts and reactions since they always help me figure out characterizations and fix plot holes. Can't wait to hear from you all!