I dont own durarara!

quote from cosmic love, florence and the machine

Amaya is my own character and not from the series

Warning: Contains violence, cursing and dark thoughts

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Izayas POV

I was falling down the rabbit hole, trying to grab something, hold on to anything, but it was nothing but darkness and the sensation of falling gripping my stomach tight. So this was hell? Falling into a bottomless pit for eternity, well it could be worse.

'Iza-chan?!" "Iza-chan?!" No,no,no! How- Amaya? Her voice broke the darkness, it was so loud, it felt like my ears would explode.

Amaya, no she can't be here, please oh god no! I was falling faster, as if the darkness tried to force me down. The wind caught in my hair, still I couldn't hear it.

"Iza-chan?!" Her voice louder, i wanted to yell, answer her call, but I couldn't.

Just like I couldn't save her. Why was she here? She was supposed to be at peace, she was supposed to have left hell behind her. No, this couldn't be happening... I wouldn't let it! Was this my punishment? Causing her more suffer? I wanted to scream but I couldn't find my voice.

"Izaya!"

I hit something, hard. The ground crumbling beneath me, what looked like shards of glass raining down from the impact, glittering threatening. My breath leaving me, spitting blood. Still I couldn't feel it . I couldn't feel pain, only a numb coldness spreading thru my entire body.

Breathe, breathe! You have to breathe! All my senses screamed at me, breathe you idiot! I arched my back, gasping for air. The first breath was almost painful, and I sucked it in greedy. Darkness all around me, the only light coming from a small star upon an emptied night sky, like all colours had drained, giving up long ago. It was cold so very cold. The ground... Ice? Wasn't hell supposed to be, I don't know, fire and flames? The cold air scratch down my troth, coming up in clouds of smoke. The small star shining down upon me, it's fragile light only making it possible to see a few feet away, where the light petered out into darkness, leaving a black void behind. It was a small frozen pond, or maybe it continued forever I wouldn't know. The ice underneath me sparkled dangerously, threatening to break.

You have to move! Get up before you freeze to death! Get up, now! The cold burned my palms when i forced myself to stand up, a mark left of my body where it had collided with the ground.

"Iza-chan." I turned around.

"Amaya?" Amaya, why...Was she real? All colours drained, her usual black kimono white, and her hair silver in the star light, she was beautiful, as always.

"I've been waiting."

"You're not supposed to be here, you-"

"I'm right where you left me Iza-chan."

"No- I never wanted this for you, I just wanted you to be happy, it's all I ever wanted, why? Why are you here?! What is this place?"

"Oh this?" She said, spinning around arms wide."This is your mind."

The only thing I could see was ice and darkness."My-my mind?"

"Yes Iza-chan, your mind."

"It's nothing... It's nothing in here, I was dead I was... Why?."

"Ah-ah-ah..." She bend forward, waving her finger back and forth the same way you tell a child right from wrong."I'm here, and so are they."

Sakurai Erai appeared from the darkness, while Shizuo walked into the small circle of light, standing on the other side, they looked like they did the last time i saw them, they didn't look at me, still like statues, eyes empty and sending shivers down my back.

"We are your creators, we are the things you will never forget, your worst and best memory's. We are what you can't let go." Amaya said smiling, her usual pale skin was warm and a small blush spread on her cheeks, while her eyelashes was covered in frost .

"No, it can't be... I don't think so."

"Oh?" She almost looked hurt, and I fought the instinct on just run forward, embracing her in my arms, but a sudden anger and fear had taken it's hold deep down my stomach."Why do you say that Iza-chan?"

"Because he's not here, and you." I said pointing towards Erai, ignoring how much my hand was shaking or how panicked I sound."you have nothing, nothing! I'm free from you. You have nothing with me to do! I owe you nothing anymore!" Erai didn't move, his eyes frozen. What was going on?

"Silly silly Iza-chan! You can't get free from us, we are chained here, in this desert of ice."

"No, if this was my mind, he would be here."

Her usual soft smile widened. "He's not here, because his out there." Amaya said pointing towards the small star.

"He's not in your mind Iza-chan, his you."

"I don't- How can you- how can you compare me to him? Amaya, not you, not you of all people, not after what he did to you! I-I, I don't... This must be hell, this must truly be hell, please... Don't... I tried, I tried so hard for so long, but I just couldn't I-"

"Your whole life you hoped you wouldn't become him so much that you did Iza-chan."

"No- I won't-"

"Oh, don't cry Iza-chan! It's not your fault, I know you tried really really hard! When you hid everything up behind that smile of yours, when you thought knowing everything would leave nothing left behind. Trying to get friends, being human, but you soon realised that you where the monster he turned you into, the monster you never hoped to be.. And it all started with. Eeny..." Amaya sang while she danced around." Meeny." Her finger landed on her self."Miny." On Erai"Moe." Shizuo."His the one that made you feel like a monster for real, he was the first one to call you that after all."

"No, I knew long before trust me, sense the day I let you die." My voice broke.

"Oh! Iza-chan, poor poor Iza-chan! So much self loading and pity, do you enjoy it?"

"No... Please stop." This was hell, this was truly hell.

"Stop what Iza-chan? Did you really think playing the bad guy, would make you stop feeling pain? That hurting others would keep them from hurting you? Would make you understand?" Her sweet voice felt like needles." Oh, you misunderstood poor child!" She clapped her hands together and shook her head sadly." Because it's still what you are isn't it? Deep down you're just still that misunderstood, half dead child I found on the roof."

"You're not real, you can't be real."

"Oh I am Iza-chan, We are your worst fears, while Shizuo..." She said winking." Well, he's the guest of honour. he saved you."

"S-saved me?"

"Yes silly! Did you think this was death? Trust me, I have a first hand experience. But you're not in Kansas anymore Dorothy, and this? This is the land of oz." The smile she gave me made me want to run into the darkness and never be found.

"How do I get back?"

"You found your magic shoes, and tap tap tap them together." No, this wasn't Amaya, she was nothing like her, this was something cruel. My mind. 'Take away everyone around you, take away the objects you need in everyday life and what are you? Nothing.' Eating up my own words, how splendid. So this was what I was left with? In my centre I stood surrounded by my worst fears. I didn't know if I wanted to cry or laugh, I decided to go with the later.

"What's so funny Iza-chan?"

"I'm the aftermath of my own experiment, so this is what I am in the end of the tunnel, ey?"

"I can hardly find it amusing Iza-chan."

"N-no, you can, you do... So hell have been..." I pointed toward my head."up here this whole time? Poff." I gestured a gun with my hand, firing it, my smile growing. Just like me to construct something like this, ha... "Well, well well, isn't that something."

"Always the drama."

"Twice the fun." But still it didn't make sense, 4 people, I spun around. 4 people... Amaya, Erai, Shizuo... Everyone that had made my worst fears of my self come true, delivering them to me wrapped in a red bow. I ignored how my eyes willingly darted away from Erai, fear? Well I would have to take one demon at a time... And I was missing the devil. He's not here! Even if I had let myself turn into him... No, I was nothing like him. This wasn't Amaya, this was what my mind had turned her into, my conscious, my judge... What i fear. So why wasn't he here? Everyone had assembled for my closing party after all... My consciousness, guilt and my fear, everything i had locked up except him... Why? This was inside my mind after all... The only reason I wouldn't have brought him here was if i would somehow think.. No! No no no, it isn't possible- it can't be, no!

"Be-before you said, that he wasn't here because he was out there, is... Is he still alive?"

"Hmmm... Let me think... Oh, yes."

I could feel the bullet embedded within me and i fell to the ground, damn it, damn it all. My hands clutching at my wound. It felt just like when i had been shot.

"I- I thought I killed him- that night, I-I shot him i, ah!"

"Looks like they want you back."

My body was burning, the pain spreading from my spine like poison.

"H-how... C-can't, he... Be dead... I-"

"The man that strapped your wings and watched you fly, just to see you crash and burn?"

"He... Was... Supposed to be dead."

"They always are darling."

No, this was unreal, this was a dream. He was dead, The night he- Amaya... I killed him.

"Where?... Where, I-is he?

"In ikebukuro of course! Where he's always been! Right around the corner. But you knew that, didn't you?"

The star shined brighter, illuminating everything in its light while a scream tore thru me.

"Bye, bye now Iza-chan!" She waved towards me." I guess I'll see you soon!"

The ice cracked, just when the pain got worse. The star spread and swallowed me whole, while I falled thru the ice, it's shards following me, projecting images,memories? Me as a child, him, Amaya, endless star covered nights, red... A gun shot... Shizuo?

Light flickered in front of my eyes."Izaya? Oi, Izaya are you okay?"

The pain was overwhelming, and I bit down a scream, it still felt like I was falling and i tried finding something to hold on to.

"Hey, breathe, it's okay, I was away but I'm here now, I'm sorry, okay?"

Shizuo? I felt something finding my hand and I gripped it tight.

"I-I..."

"Shinra! Shinra! His awake! Come here fast! Shit!"

"I need-"

"Try not to speak Izaya, okay?" Footsteps rammed on the floor.

"Is he awake?! Fast move aside, i need to-"

The thing keeping me from falling almost slipped away."no!"

The pain almost breaking me." I can't, I-I... I need to-"

"You need what Izaya?" Shizuo asked, while the thing holding my hand got tighter, it almost felt like it would snap it in two.

"I need... To find...the-the wizard of oz."

"His hallucinating step aside!"

I couldn't help the scream, while I heard a snap from my hand, the thing... breaking it." Let his hand go Shizuo."

"N-no." I won't fall."I need to find him."

"Find who Izaya?!"

" Amaya's killer."

Hi and thank you for reading untill the end of this chapter! Feel free to ask any question you like! And i always get just as happy when you guys leave a review!
Im going to a convention soon, so the update might be a bit slow next week, but i think i will manage it in time!
So stay close for more! ( i want some izaya x shizuo action) :3