I dont own durarara, Amaya is my own character and not from the serie.

Warnings; Violence, dark thoughts, hints of child abuse.

"A statue stands in a shaded place
An angel girl with an upturned face
A name is written on a polished rock
A broken heart that the world forgot"
― Martina Mcbride

It had gone four days, four whole days since Izaya woke up the last time and during all that time it was only one thing I could do, worry. I wasn't the kind of person that cared for others, sure I had some people I respected, even less that I could actually call my friends, but I was fine with that. Less people was the same as less people to hurt, and hurting others was something I was great at. Having a raging temper and strength to go with it... Damn, it wasn't something that made you likeable. So when Shinra first had introduced me to Izaya, I saw my self. Izaya had powers of sort, he knew exactly how to push your buttons, he was an instrument dedicated to hurt others, and so was I, and I hated every part of him. I hated how he saw himself as better, how he could make you go from calm to burning with hot rage, how he played the part of the villain and enjoyed it. How he was the monster just like me. Until now. Damn it, damn it all!

I had no idea what Izayas part was in all this, I didn't even know what 'this' was, but it wasn't the monster. Not any more. Because a monster couldn't break, couldn't shatter, couldn't feel pain, regret or love. So what the hell was he? And what part did I play in this mess, because i sure as hell would play a role in it. Amaya had made sure of that a long time ago. Because somewhere deep within me, I couldn't help to hate her.

It was dark outside, not the big city kind of dark were lights flashed and colours radiated from signs while cars passed by in endless stress. No, this was how nature intended darkness to be, calm. The only light coming from the moon shining thru the open window. The room bathing in its soft glow, and I felt myself relax back into the armchair that Shinra had carried in on the second day, mumbling something like 'can't stand and stare at him like some damn weirdo.'

Izaya was happily, or not so happy... Dumb expression... Asleep in Shinra's bed. An IV and other things I didn't know the name for buzzed almost reassuring. Still they looked misplaced next to the raven. Izayas body was nothing more than a small hill in the kingsize bed, his dark hair showing up from underneath the covers. His face peaceful and reflecting the calming embrace of sleep. Hell, he didn't look like the Izaya I knew at all, or... I didn't know any of them... Him. He was a stranger I had hated for the most part of my life but it was strange. When I looked at Izaya... It didn't feel like I was looking at... Izaya. Confusing I know... The calm face, light expression, vague smile. It wasn't the taunting expression id crown costume to but somehow this face scared me, because I didn't know how to think about it, or feel about it for that matter. It was something I couldn't shake of, a foreign feeling digging into my chest, pulling it down. I sighed, as much as I knew, it couldn't be a good sign. That's when it started, like it did every now and then, the low painful pleading, it tore thru me, leaving my heart aching in ways I didn't know it could. I hurried to Izayas side, ignoring how laboured his breathing sounded when I searched for the morphine pump.

Izayas face was covered in beams of sweat, his hair tangled, even if it still looked soft, like light feathers. My eyes traced the small figure, had he always been so small... Snap out of it Shizuo! Snap out of it, damn it, what the hell is wrong with you?!

I found the morphine pump, setting a new higher dose and Izayas breeding soon eased out. Shit, what was wrong with me? But I couldn't help to relax, it would be okay, Izaya would be okay.

I sat down in the armchair again, I couldn't help to feel heavy, like a weight was put on my shoulders, maybe that's how it's like to care for someone? No, because you don't care about anyone, you just feel guilty because it could just as much be you putting him in that 'hospital' bed, you hate him just as much... Just not right now... Ugh, to be honest I was tired, and lack of sleep didn't help anything, i tried fighting back a yawn but lost the battle.

"Tired?"

"Hm? Yea." One more yawn.

"Lack of sleep, ey?"

"Yea... Tell me about it."

"Tell you about what shizu-chan?" ?! My eyes darted towards the bed. Red, ruby eyes, a small knowing spark and a wide grin.

"Izaya?" I asked in disbelief.

"That's my name last time I checked, 5 letters, rhymes with piraya.

I was to stunned to say anything, was this really the same person I had just heard and seen in deep sleep? He was pale, and a thin line between the eyebrows was the only thing whispering about the pain I was sure he felt.

"Doesn't it hurt?"

"Hm? Oh this?" Izaya asked, his smile growing "What can I say? Beauty is painful... To bad it's not contagious."

"Shut up Izaya! I meant the freaking bullet wound!" Izayas eyes widened for a second, fear? No couldn't be...

"Oh, no shizu-chan, it's lovely being shot, it's such a turn on, should do it more often." His voice was stiff, and I could hear the pain starting to leak into his words.

"Damn it! It's not funny Izaya!" He jumped a bit at my sudden outburst and I could see him bite down a scream when his stitches stretched.

"What? Are you telling me I'm not amusing shizu-chan? Am I boring you... That's not very nice..."

Damn that flea, I could feel my blood starting to boil. Breathe, take is easy, you can do this. Just start of easy. It's fine, don't get mad.

"Do you remember the last time you woke up? What you said?" I spoke gently.

"Nooo, sorry shizu-chan I must have forgotten immense pain."

Ignore it, ignore it...

"Amaya's killer."

"Oh, yes... Good old friend."

"Damn it Izaya! Can you just be real in 5 fucking minutes! 5 fucking minutes is all I ask!"

"I don't have a 'real' shizu-chan."

Before I knew it I was by Izayas side, holding his troth in a firm grip, this was really starting to become a trend, he hissed in pain, but other then that he kept his expression, and somehow it irritated me. How could he be so calm? He just got shot, he had just crumbled before my eyes, a second ago he was broken! How couldn't he bend over in pain right now and break down, curse, cry what ever! Just show something else than that smile.

"Don't." I said with a growl.

"Shizuo." Shinra said from the open door, his voice a warning. Izayas eyes fleeing towards him.

"Look at me!"

"Oh, shizu-chan, I thought you'd never ask I-ah!"

"Don't freaking joke about Amaya, because I won't be there next time picking up the shards, you hear me? So now spill!"

"I-I didn't..." I could feel Izaya try to swallow thru my grip around his troth."I didn't joke... Shizu-chan... Amaya's killer was my friend."

My eyes widened in shock."Say that again?"

"That again." I pulled him upwards but this time he didn't even flinch, always so damned strong... Why did he always have to be so in control?!

"Shizuo, put him down."

"No, not until he tells me!"

Izayas red eyes was calm, his teasing wry smile had never been so annoying.

"I didn't ask you to pick up the pieces, I never asked you to play the hero and forbid I ever wanted you of all people to save me."

I could feel my breath getting stuck on the way up when I remembered 'I don't need to be saved by you, Don't you get it? I want to die! Don't you see, are you really so st-?'... No, those had been words spoken in pain... Right? Izaya... Izaya would never think like that, he loved being alive, humans the world... I ignored the memory, locking that voice, that panicked twisted version deep down in my mind.

"I want to know Izaya, everything... Tell me everything."

"And why would I do that?"

"Because I promise I will help you."

Izayas mouth hanged agape, losing the grin, his eyes clouded by disbelief but he soon collected himself, the smirk glued to his face like a cheap sticker.

"And why would I want you, of all people, to help me?"

"I have Reiko, and you're not in any condition to beat someone up."

"I don't need Reiko."

"Shizuo put him down please?"

"Yes shizu-chan, put me down... Please?"

I ignored both of them.

"The full story flea, everything, tell me or you'll regret it, we can do it the easy or the hard way."

"What's the hard way?"

"I break every bone in your body until you tell me."

"It's not much to break left.. Hey wait why is my hand broken... did you break my hand!?"

I ignored the flash of guilt blooming up, it was harder to ignore than Shinra and that said a lot.

"Izaya!"

"Hey handsome calm down...What's the easy way?"

"I put you down, and you tell me."

"... What was the hard way again?"

I felt my muscles tense and Izaya gasped for air but this time Shinra stayed quiet."Hard way then?"

"Do-do... I even have a say in this?"

"No." Both Shinra and I coed.

"Wow, thanks Shinra... By the way...lower the morphine I can't think straight." Izayas eyes turned towards Shinra again, with almost a pleading look I couldn't take in fully.

"Let him down Shizuo, as his doctor I will have to force you out, and then we won't be any wiser when the day ends." I sighed but let my grip of him go, he fell towards the covers and when he landed it was like an electric shock pierced thru him and I felt more guilt form in my chest when his lip started to bleed from the bit down scream, but we both ignored it.

"Next time you do it carefully or I'll ask the goddess In the room next door to cut you down, understand me?"

"It-it's fine Shinra, I like it rough." Izaya smiled, I was just about to bite at him again when I saw how sick he really looked, he was pale, really pale. His skin covered in a thin layer of sweat, beside that he was beaten, the bruises had started to fade into sick yellow colours but the scars still shined an irritated red. Shinra had said that they wouldn't leave any significant scars since they were cut with a clean knife, and the person behind the act seemed to know what he was doing, my stomach twisted with disgust.

" Talk!"

Izaya sighed, he was rested towards a small pile of pillows and he had never looked worse. It was as if every inch of 'him' had evaporated into thin air. His shoulders hanged low and his smile was a tired one, he almost looked... Old, real.

"Start from the beginning."

"Hm, every story has a different beginning shizu-chan, where it took form, what put it in action and how it came to be, the world is a delicate place and if we should tell the story of the world we wouldn't be able to, because we do not know it fully."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?!"

"Figure it out."

I growled."Don't act smart on me, you can't talk your way out of this"

"Try starting from the beginning then, how it all started, with... Amaya." Shinra said carefully, I had filled in the doctor on what I knew in exchange for me being able to stay.

Izaya sighed and grimaced."Morphine..."

"You just got some so spill, can't drug yourself out of this either."

Izayas smile weakened further, god he looked tiny... Weak and for a second I didn't want him to tell, I wanted him to be happy, I even wanted the wry smile back, but still I didn't stop him. Izaya took a deep breath"As I'm sure you know I don't have any great contact with my family, my father never took any... Notice in me."

"Buhu you."

Izaya rolled his eyes before he continued."My father wasn't a nice man, he was great in business and clever, people respected him, my mother uncle, sisters..." Izaya said, his gaze clouded like he was caught in memories, as if he wasn't sure how to continue."I don't want this to be my pity party so I'll keep it short, but my father couldn't stand me, he had a short temper, a bit like you shizu-chan." Izaya said with a wink, and I felt my stomach drop."-And some days was worse than others he could leach out and... Well you know."

I felt my body go stiff... No couldn't be. I didn't know, I didn't want to know. I looked at shinra in the corner of my eye, he hadn't moved, his body tense. So this story was new to him well?

"-I guess, that's why I ran off, I used to spend most of my nights outside, scared of getting home and... Meeting him, I can't really blame myself, but my sisters never understood, they never saw... My fathers... Worse side, so they blamed me for leaving and in a way I can't blame them either. I guess that's why I started to take an interest in humans, why they acted the way they did, I never understood why my father acted the way he did, I guessed that if I found out his motivations he would stop, but I never did... I never understood, humans, why... I guess I never will, but they fascinated me... Because what can make a father act that way? I was a young boy stuck in a world I didn't know, by a father I first found normal, or what is normal really? People always say that hitting your own child isn't human, well I disagree" Izaya sighed." I guess, I wanted to know, what I had done wrong, I didn't understand, feelings, reactions... So... I sneaked out. I took my escape to Ikebukuro, I found the roof one day." Izaya smiled fondly his expression softening." I could see everything from up there, I used to pretend I was god, watching over its creation, made it easier to understand...I still remember when I found it, I had been running from a gang, i was small and fast and clever and always in trouble. Soon people started to know who I was, I was a child caught in a war I didn't understand, and I guess you could say people used that, just as much as I used them. They didn't care about me, I could easily listen to things that no one else could, sneak into places, I was invisible, and soon I didn't even go home anymore."

Izaya shook his head." Maybe I should have because even if Ikebukuro was more of a home... The beating didn't end. I got caught from time to time, and i think you can guess how that ended, but every time I found my way back to that roof. I soon got my name known throughout the underground community and that's how he found me... " Izaya paused, the smirk there, shielding him within seconds ."He figured out my special hiding place, where I used to sit and watch over my small part of the world... He asked me to work for him, I declined but he soon vowed me over, I wish I could go back and turn him down, I would sell my soul if that was possible, but I will have to live with that decision for the rest of my life... He was an informer, just like me... The best. He learned me how to fight with a switchblade, what end to hold on a butterfly knife, what parts that was safe and best places to hide... I soon got pretty skilled at running away, and this is going to sound sick, but he was more of a father to me than my own. He taught me more than fighting,he taught me how to survive in this world." Izaya gazed up, like he could see it all play out in his mind like one long movie, playd a long time ago." One day, when I was watching a couple of thugs beat up some guy..."

Izaya laughed unhumorously."- I tried to help, I know how that sounds, me helping... But I was young and stupid... The guy I was saving put his legs on his back and ran, leaving me as his replacement... that's how I learned to never to trust anyone, the hard way is usually the easy way, ey? Never the less I crawled towards that roof... And that's the night..." Izaya looked down on his hands, his voice had been steady, without hesitation during his hole story, but when he came to Amaya, his features changed and his voice grew deadly cold and broken. I almost wanted him to stop but I couldn't make my self, I couldn't find my voice. Shinra still hadn't moved during the hole time, but now he looked at me worried, almost pleading me to stop izaya, but I knew I couldn't, I knew Izaya wouldn't be able to repeat this ."She was so beautiful, at first I thought... She was an angel send to take me 'home' because she was so pure, so innocent." Izaya fibbed with the covers."She was what I had lost a long time ago, kindness and warmth, before I sold my souls to the devil and spend my time doing his deeds, she told me how I wasn't truly alive, that's there's a difference between existing and living and until this day i still don't know, who knows maybe I died on that roof and this is hell, wouldn't that be something?" We didn't answer him and he didn't wait for us to do so, I guess he knew we didn't have an answer for him, so instead we both stood there, dumbfounded, listening to a story we would never dared to have guess." She sang for me, you should have seen her... It was the saddest and happiest sound I have ever heard... It made me feel, she comforted me, gave me an embrace to return to, and from that day on I did, every time... I returned to her, she was safe she was comfort and I think it's safe to say that i loved her... We could spend hours talking about nothing and everything, It was the first and last time I ever loved anyone. Not just humans, for being misunderstood and complicated, but I truly loved her, for who she was, for what she brought, she was my only friend, my only... Real... She was real. She was broken but so was I and we fit together, two broken shards of the same mirror... Reflecting the same story... God I'm cheesy but I won't dishonour her name by describing her as anything else than a goddess... I started to spend my mornings and nights by her side... I needed her like a fish needs water, but he didn't like that. He didn't like that one bit ... One day we had a fight, things... Happened... Words was said... And he got angry, they always get angry..." Izaya closed his eyes as if he was trying to remember something he had tried his whole life to forget, and maybe he had "He asked one of his men, a tall woman with ugly purple hair and muscular arms to hold me still... He kept me there, held me in place, he told me what he was going to do with her, that she poisoned my mind, that no one could ever love someone like us. That people, things like us couldn't love anything, that she was a witch and how she should pay for feeding me lies...and-and." Silent tears had started to roll down Izayas cheeks, and I tried with all my might to sit still, to not run forward and stop those tears, but I wasn't the one that broke first.

"You don't need to Izaya, you-you can stop it's okay-"

"No, I need you to hear this, I need-" He coughed, and bend forward in pain." I have to... For her... She... He told me how he would chain her, how he would beat her and- and..." Izaya shivered." How it was my fault for letting my self believe that bitch, I had never seen him so angry before... I never knew... I'm sorry I... I- he... I was left behind, I..." Izaya was shaking now, his body in spasms, it looked like he would break in two." I got out, I'm not sure if they let me go or... I-can't remember... I- I ran to the roof, I didn't care if I was hurt or what happened to me... I, just didn't care... I would never care, I had never been so scared, I ran until I couldn't run anymore- it felt like my head would explode-and then I ran even faster, until I got to her." Izaya said hiccuping, his tears fell freely now, but he didn't care." It's strange how you can remember some things so clearly, like they are burned into your mind. I remember the pattern the blood made, every detail and every stain, I remember the cracks in the concrete, I remember the song, the sushi bar down stairs was playing, word by word, but I still can't remember if it was night or day, what way I took to get there, I... She was chained, and hurt so, so bad- and it- it was all my fault, everything... She was so badly hurt, blood... It- it's all my fault, I'm sorry... I- her legs tangled, how could they do that to something so beautiful, can you believe it?" Izaya asked, looking up at me with gloomy eyes while my heart broke in two, like I could answer every question he had, like I could say 'I do believe it, I know why.' But I didn't, I didn't know how the world could be so cruel" They chained her, like she was some damned animal... And it was all my fault, everything, I guess- that's why my dad hates me right? Because I'm so worthless... Because I let her die, it's all my fault- everything, for, b-bringing him into her life, if she never would have met me... It's my fault I-" He looked so lost, so broken, but i couldn't get myself to answer, I heard a small shiver from behind me and looked back just to wish I never had, Shinras expression was filled with sorrow while his shoulders hanged heavy." She told me, she said to me how I shouldn't cry, how it wasn't my fault-how." A violent sob came from Izaya." She said 'I protected you...I-You're wrong Iza-Iza-chan, it doesn't hurt... it doesn't hurt to die." Izaya started gasping for air, and I remembered the time in the alley, it seemed as such a long time ago, why he had completely lost it, it must have been the first time anyone called him that since..." She-she died my arms I couldn't save her, I was useless, I was... I'm- I... It was all my fault I... It was - a gun." My body stiffened, and I could hear Shinra lose his breath while his hole body tensed." I- i tried finding him, for weeks I tried, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep... and one night... I did... I- I shot him... He was supposed to be dead, but I knew he wasn't... I knew, I couldn't even... She was right I let myself turn into him i let myself turn into him, Oh god! I killed her didn't i? She was right! I'm nothing better i-"

"Stop." No more.

"I don't blame him for hating me, it shouldn't been her, I-"

"Please stop Izaya..."

"It's all my fault, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,

I'm sorry-"

I stood up. " Stop it Izaya, stop."

"My fault, my fault, my fault-"

I slapped him across the face with my open palm." Oi! It wasn't your fault, the world is a cruel place, you- it wasn't your fault damn it. You were only a kid, and your father- no one had the right to treat you that way, you here me?!"

Izayas eyes was wide in shock."I-"

"No, you listen damn it flea." I pulled a hand thru my hair frustrated." It wasn't your fault, you were young, and sure stupid at some times." Damn I was bad at this." you just had a shitty life and-"

"Wow, thank you-"

"Shut it." I said before regretting it... But his new comeback was a good sign."But you can't blame your self for it!"

"And why the fuck not?! It's my fault! All this time!" Izayas tears soon turned to angry ones, burning hot down his cheeks." It's my fucking fault! I-I'm worthless, damn it I-"

I slapped him again in lack of better words and this time he stayed quiet, looking at me like i was mental, shit... I wasn't good at this... The moonlight didn't feel calming anymore, the night was a scary place, but I still had one more thing I needed to know.

"Izaya-"

"Shizuo, please enough."

"No Shinra... Was he the one? The one who did this?"

"You mean shot me, broke my legs and my hand...?"

"I broke your hand! Stop about the damned hand!"

" I knew it! And yea suuuuure, just forget about the fact that you broke my hand!"

"Good!"

"Good! Splendid, wonderful, outstanding, great fantastic just freaking great!"

"Do you know any more words?!"

"Idiot, thick head, protozoan-"

"Shut up-"

"Moron-"

"Who did this Izaya!?"

"No one! Just a gang of thugs that's all, I was unlucky!"

Unlucky my ass "Who are you protecting?!"

"No one! I'm protecting no one, remember? I'm a monster, I don't care about others, remember you told me so!"

Guilt soon turned to anger." Who, Are, You, Protecting?!"

"You said, if I told you, you would help, so now help me! I need to find him, Amaya's killer, I need to put things right- I- and no he wasn't the one who shot me but I have to, I-"

"And do what?! Kill him!?"

"Burn his eyes out, i can be creative."

"And what do you hope to accomplish?!" Shit, this wasnt a road we should be walking on, this would be dangerous, this could break him.

"Revenge? Retribution?! He tortured her! He- he-" Izayas voice got stuck on the way up, was it something he still hadn't told me? " I just have to, okay? I have to! For her... Before-"

"Before what?!" I said, starting to walk towards his bed again, but Shinra was fast time time, his hand taking a firm grip around my arm, jerking me back.

"Please shizuo..." His voice was weak, pleading."Don't, not now, please... No more... "

"Wouldn't you have done it? If you was me... Wouldn't you have r-ripped him to pieces by now?"

I would."It won't change anything."

"Yes, it will, it will change everything."

I sighed, trying to calm my self."How? How do you even stop him?"

Izaya looked at me tired, but his mischievous smile had settled, and his red eyes sparkled evil, his tears whipped away."I won't, he will find me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm rather famous Shizuo, I'm sure he knows exactly where I am, who knows he might even be watching me right now?"I shivered, and Izayas face turned twisted and dark.

"Why would he even talk to you? You shot him!"

"Yes, and I did a shitty job, didn't i? Simple, I will ask him to work with me."

"You are going to do what?!"

"Izaya... I don't think that's a great idea..." Shinra murmured from behind me.

"Oh, trust me... It's going to be beautiful!" Izaya sang, ignoring the pain. Thats when it hit me... The new morphine dose I had set, it must have been way to high, shit!

"How do you know he's even going to talk to you?"

"Oh, I know he will, I know he's waited for this his entire life!"

"And how do you know that stupid you flea?!"

"Because I'm just like him." Izaya said, his tears blown away, replaced by a mad grin." And I'm going to make him an offer he can't turn down."

"And what might that be?"

"Always play for both sides shizu-chan!... It means that time will tell."

so so so so so so so so so sorry for the long chapter, but it felt wrong cutting it in two! So, instead, heres a bomb of words!

I wanted to awnser animexmangadorks question! Amaya is a japanese name that means night rain, i always do re-search when it comes to giving my characters names, and i take ages doing so! But im glad you like it and feel free asking any question that might pop-up into your mind!

Again, sorry for the long chapter! and please leave a review and let me know what you think! Or if i should change the ranking to M, Im just paranoid! But anyway! tnx you guys!