Missing in Action

Things hadn't gotten any easier as trouble at work ratcheted up and Raylan was still desperately missing Winona. He knew he had slipped from grace in the eyes of his son, but he just couldn't rein in his emotions and he felt it best to be away as much as possible. He just wasn't dealing well with any of the issues that had befallen him and he knew he was taking it out on his son, so he saw his late night foray's to the bar the best for both of them. He just needed some time to figure it all out then he could deal with life again. He had hoped his late night talk with Nate would jolt him out of his funk, but he found that it hadn't; he was still being a lousy father. Perhaps he feared if he stayed close to home he would suddenly turn into his worst fear; his father. So in his own rationalization he felt it best to just step back as it would do less harm.

While Raylan was busy dealing, Nate had become beyond frustrated with his father. It seemed that he couldn't do anything right by him and though he was disappointed when his father left him every evening he was also relieved. Raylan seemed to be making avoidance a new sport, so when Nate got home from a shortened school day, he was surprised to see a voice mail from his father. He pushed the appropriate buttons and his eyes grew wider as the message played out.

Despite orders to stay with him, Tim surprised Raylan by letting him go without a fight despite the awkward elevator ride. Part of him had a feeling it was only because of Tim's relationship with Nate, but he would take what he could get. These accusations of were creating more than a monster headache. He power walked to the parking lot and his face fell as the cops were already knee deep in his trunk. This whole drama was the last thing he needed. Gary dead with him taking the blame and now the FBI was sure he was dirty. He had continued to be an ass to his son and wasn't the least bit surprised when Nate hadn't showed up to help him. Besides the police were already a step ahead and were elbow deep in searching the Lincoln.

"Sorry I didn't get here in time," Nate panted coming up behind him.

"It was a shot in the dark anyway," Raylan said, unable to hold back the smile, caused by the fact that Nate had come. "How did you get here?"

"I was going to ride my bike, but it had a flat so I had to wait on the bus. It took forever, there's a thousand stops between our house and here."

"I appreciate the effort nonetheless." He said beginning to walk towards the car bringing his coffee up to his lips.

"Is Gary really dead? And who's trying to frame you?" Nate asked walking beside his father.

"Yes he is and I don't know for sure, just suspicions which I will keep to myself. I've already told you too much," he said as his phone rang. Nate strained as he watched Lexington's finest paw through the car's trunk. "Winona found the gun at the house."

"Who's house?"

"Hers and Gary's. She's going to meet us. Did you bring the extra key?"

"Yeah right here," Nate said pulling the spare key to the Lincoln out of his pocket.

They waited a few minutes and once it was all clear the two ran to the car and took off. "So is this why you've been so cranky lately?"

"What? I've been cranky?"

"Yeah, drunk and cranky."

"I beg your pardon, I have not been drunk," Raylan said looking across the car at his son.

"Well you've been leaving work late and coming home really late and I know you've gone to that bar down the street."

"And how do you know that?"

"I took a walk one night and saw the car there," Nate said hesitantly. Raylan looked over in disbelief. "You used to never want me to be alone now you're never around, it doesn't make any sense."

"Well you do have an argument there and I apologize, but going back to your late night walk."

"Look, I know you miss Winona and I'm sorry she left, I really am, but I still need you."

"You're right, it's just that I've needed to keep my mind off things and…" Raylan drifted off thinking it wasn't the best idea to tell his eleven year old son that he got his drinks for free since he was the best bouncer with a badge around. "Well sometimes I need adult company."

"You get that at work, what you need is to drink to forget."

"Whoa kiddo, slow down there with your psychology. Let's go back to your midnight walk. You know you aren't allowed to be out at that time of night."

"You either."

"I'm a grown man and you should be pleased I've loosened your leash a bit. It was but a few months ago that I recall a tantrum being thrown because I made you go to camp."

"Yeah you saddled me with camp and now you abandon me, it makes no sense."

"Not much in life does son."

"Am I in trouble?"

"Not this time, but no more late night strolls. Understand?"

"Yeah. Here she comes," Nate said seeing Winona pulling in.

"Wait here," Raylan said.

Nate watched his father get out and walk over to Winona's car. He quietly got out of the car and slunk up behind his dad. "What are you going to do with it? Throw it off a bridge?" She was asking.

"I'm not sure yet," Raylan replied sensing his son behind him.

She was still wearing the look from earlier when she had discovered that it had been Gary who put the hit out on them. She was so angry, she wasn't exactly sure who to direct her fury towards and with Gary dead, Raylan was an easy target. She looked over at Nate, his soft brown eyes uncertain, his body hesitant. She felt badly that the boy had to go through so much; in a sense he had the misfortune of being the Guinea Pig that she had the fortune of learning from. He was everything she didn't want for her child.

"Hello Nate, it's good to see you."

"Hey," Nate said barely above a whisper.

"Don't try and find me this time," she said directing her attention back to Raylan before driving off.

Raylan looked as if he had been slapped. "I'm sorry Dad," Nate said putting his hand on his father's arm.

After the meeting with Winona going south Raylan went from bad to worse. When he was home he was distracted and quiet, Nate unable to get any reaction out of him whatsoever, which he discovered was even worse than when Raylan was cranky. But one night he broke out of his silent shell.

Earlier that day Nate had gotten into a bit of trouble at school being sent to the office for insubordination. It wouldn't have merited much attention but since he had already been suspended for fighting and he had had two detentions for being late, the vice principal decided this latest dissent needed to be brought to the attention of a parent.

"Please don't call my dad Mr. Teller. I'm sorry for what I said, I'll accept detention, just don't call him." Nate begged.

"Are there problems at home Nate?" he asked, voicing concern.

"No sir, it's just he's been super busy at work and this is the last thing he needs."

"Well then you should have thought of that before you opened your mouth and landed here."

What Nate couldn't say was that the frustration that caused him to act out had stemmed from his father. Mr. Teller dialed the number listed in the file and waited for an answer, while Nate prayed it went to voice mail. As the seconds passed Nate realized his wish had come true. Mr. Teller was forced to leave a message, and Nate left his office feeling as if he had dodged a bullet. With his father's mood lately chances were he wouldn't even check his messages.

Raylan had been tracking down leads, talking to those who might be able to give him the straight story on who was spreading rumors that he was dirty. Despite the fact that he was supposedly on Boyd's payroll he had a hard time believing that his old friend had been the source of these rumors. Raylan had planned on heading straight to the bar to unwind but needed a phone number from a file he had at home. He parked in the driveway and could see the light from the TV flickering through the mini blinds. He pulled his key out, but before he placed it in the lock he tried the knob and found it turned easily in his hand. He threw the door forward and angrily stomped into the house.

Nate jumped as the door flew open. "Dad, your home," he said realizing his grievous error.

"Yes I am, what is rule number one when you are home alone?" He asked, his eyes reflecting how irritated he was.

"Lock the door," Nate admitted sheepishly.

"So what was wrong with this picture?"

"I left the door unlocked."

"Dammit Nate, you are old enough to know better and be more responsible," Raylan fumed.

"I'm sorry, I just forgot."

"You forgot, bad things can happen when important things are forgotten."

"Well maybe if you were home more bad things wouldn't be an issue," Nate spat back.

"My job isn't nine to five and you know that."

"It's not your job I'm speaking of," Nate said his eyes matching his fathers in intensity.

"Well I'm here now and I think the best place for you is your bedroom," Raylan ordered.

"It's better than being here with you," Nate argued stomping down the hall to his room.

After his son had departed Raylan sat down on the couch hand held his head in his hands wondering how it had all spiraled out of control. He just couldn't balance all the disasters that he had been forced to juggle. A big part of him wanted to go apologize to his son, but instead he got up and left, heading down the street to find his favorite release.

Nate had been texting back and forth with Taylor, a girl in his class who was having a slumber party to celebrate her thirteenth birthday. She lived two blocks away and was practically begging him to ratchet up the excitement value by crashing the gathering. He had helped her one day after Dylan had knocked her books out of her hands. Nate had been the only one to stop and help her pick up the scattered tools of learning. Since then she had looked at him differently; earlier in the week she joined him at his lunch table. He wasn't sure what to make of any it and Raylan wasn't quite in the mood for advice so he just sort of remained quiet about it all. But now since his father had left once again, he decided that he would just take her up on her invitation. He got up and put his coat on and trudged the two blocks north.

He saw the bi-level home in the middle of the block, the lower rooms lit up. Taylor had told him that the family room would be party central and to either call her or knock on the window when he got there. He pulled his phone out and saw that it was eleven-thirty. The upper windows appeared dark, but he knew he should tread lightly. He walked up to the window and laid down on his stomach which was far from a comfortable position for him. He dialed the phone as he tapped on the window, wondering which would gain him entrance first.

The immediate shrieks from within indicated that he had been spotted. Taylor looked up and walked over and used the couch to give her the height needed to unlock the window. Nate looked down at the descent in front of him and blew out a mouthful of air. He wiggled his body through the opening and fell to the couch, his discomfort reminding him he was not a healthy boy.

"You okay?" Taylor asked.

"Not the best thing for my ailing body."

"Oh sorry, I forgot about that." She apologized. She had asked him while sharing the lunch table why he brown bagged it. Nate reluctantly shared his tale of misery with her, but found her very sympathetic to his plight.

Nate brushed himself off and unzipped his coat as he looked around. "Damn, do you think you left any junk food for the rest of the city?" Marshmallows, chips, cupcakes, cookies as well as soda bottles littered the room.

"It's a party," Lauren exclaimed from her spot next the stereo.

"Where are your parents?" Nate asked.

"Upstairs, I'm sure they have ear plugs in and the noise machine on. I didn't think you were coming."

"Well I had to wait for an opportunity, it's not like I can just waltz out ya know?" Nate answered, even though circumstances had said he could.

"I heard you ended up in Teller's office, figured you were grounded," Madison chimed in.

Nate just shrugged wondering the same thing. "So what do you guys do at these things?" Nate asked looking around.

Taylor merely smiled and began the festivities. Nate found himself in a place few males had ever been and sudden clarity came over him. He realized that he had become the object of Taylor's affection. How could have not understood the writing on the wall. For a smart kid he suddenly felt so dumb.

He enjoyed a rousing game of Twister, Jenga, musical chairs and an impromptu game of dodge ball using throw pillows. There was talk of playing spin the bottle which Nate was more than interested in, but discovered it wouldn't really work since he was the only guy. The girls all knew Taylor had her eye on him and they weren't about to impede on her efforts at snagging the boy so it was suggested that they play the ever favorite slumber party game; truth or dare.

Truths and dares were traded amongst a few when the game finally found Taylor. "Truth or dare?" Missy asked her.

"Truth," she replied hesitantly.

"You want to jump Nate's bones?"

Taylor just sat with her mouth open. "Good grief Missy," she said beginning to laugh.

"Rephrase the question," Amy suggested.

"You want to be his girlfriend," Missy stated.

Taylor's cheeks flushed red. She hadn't looked at Nate since the questioning began and was silently cursing Missy. She should have known this was going to happen. She cleared her throat as she was interrupted by Amy, "remember you have to tell the truth."

"I will, just give me a second. If I had the chance, I think it would be fun to be Nate's girlfriend. There I said it," she yelled to all her friends who were oohing and aahing. She hated to look at Nate to see what he thought of this whole line of questioning.

"Okay Nate, it's your turn," Madison said. "I'll ask since Taylor is all out of sorts. Nate, truth or dare?"

Nate was still trying to come to grips with the fact that Taylor wanted to be his girlfriend. "Um, dare," he finally choked out.

Several evil smiles emerged. "Okay then, you have to kiss Taylor." Amy suggested.

"In front of us," Missy added.

"I can do that," Nate said confidently, ready to take up the challenge. Unbeknownst to anybody in the room, he had yet to turn twelve and hadn't yet kissed a girl. But he had to admit he was looking at them very differently. He looked over at Taylor who looked like she either wanted to run away or throw-up. He made his move crawling over to where she sat on the floor. He got up on his knees and pulled her up so they were looking at each other. He leaned in and gently their lips touched. They would have held it for longer but all the squealing the erupted from around them ruined the moment. Soon pillows were flying leading to an evening ending pillow fight that soon escalated to a war. That war unfortunately was terminated when Taylor's father heard the din over his ear plugs and crashing waves from his noise machine. He saw that it was after one in the morning and was going to put a stop to the noise; what he didn't expect was to find a child of the male persuasion laughing it up with his daughter and her friends.

"At risk of sounding like a skit from Sesame Street, there is something here that doesn't belong," Mr. Baldwin said. "Who are you young man?"

Nate dropped the pillow that he was holding and cleared his throat. "I'm Nate."

"Nate what?"

"Nate Givens."

"And you are here why?"

"Because I invited him Dad." Taylor said inserting herself between Nate and her father.

Wayne Baldwin gave his daughter a harsh glare. "And why did you do that? Never mind don't answer that. How did you get here Nate?"

"I walked; I live just a couple blocks away."

"And your parents have no problem with you being out at 1:30 in the morning?"

"I can't really answer that," Nate said.

"Do they know you are here?"

"No sir," Nate admitted.

"Well then why don't we give them a call then."

"Dad you're such a jerk!" Taylor shrieked.

"Do you want me to call everybody's parents and have the come get their daughters? I don't think they would be too pleased to know that you all have been down here unsupervised with a boy."

"I can give you my dad's number," Nate interjected hoping that would take his focus off the girls.

Wayne returned his glare to Nate. He walked across the room and picked up the cordless phone and returned stopping in front of Nate. "I'll dial it for you," Nate offered taking the phone. After punching the appropriate numbers he handed the phone back to the unhappy man.

Raylan had just escorted a grumpy drunk to the parking lot when is phone rang. He didn't recognize the number but figured it had to be worth answering considering the late hour. He pushed the applicable prompt and answered, "Givens."

Wayne had been concerned that he would be speaking to a sleepy, mumbling man but it appeared that Mr. Givens was every bit as wide awake as he was. "Mr. Givens do you have a son named Nate?"

"Yes, is he okay?" Raylan quickly asked his voice laced with concern.

"Oh yes, he's just fine," Wayne answered and went on to explain what was going on. The two men fired sporadic chatter back and forth until Wayne said goodbye and hung up. "He's on his way to get you. He should be here in a few minutes. Nate you come with me to the living room to wait while you girls," he said looking at the audience grouped around him, "settle down and go to sleep."

"I hate you," Taylor seethed.

"Good to know darling, remember you said that the next time you want something."

"Sorry Taylor, I ruined your birthday," Nate said.

"No you made my birthday, my dad ruined it," she said in a huff throwing herself down on the couch, landing with a dramatic flair.

Nate decided to wait in the entryway, peering out the narrow vertical windows next to the front door. He had no idea what shape his father might be in and he didn't want to be embarrassed if Raylan wasn't sober. Finally a set of headlights flooded the street in front of him. "He's here," Nate announced opening the front door hoping he could just slip out alone.

The girls had all silently tiptoed up the back staircase and had piled in front of the window of Taylor's bedroom which faced the street. They saw the dark car pull up and a tall, imposing man with a cowboy hat make his way towards the house. He had strong and steady pace causing the girls to collectively gasp.

"He's a cowboy," Missy said.

"Wonder what he'll do to Nate?" Madison asked.

"I bet he gets grounded," Missy responded.

"Nuh uh, I bet he gets a whippin'," Amy announced. "He looks like a daddy that would do that," she said assuredly.

"How can you tell?" asked Madison, "all I see is a hat."

Taylor stayed silent, feeling responsible for Nate's predicament. She watched the boy emerge from the house with her father trailing behind him.

Nate headed down the sidewalk dismayed that Mr. Baldwin had followed him out of the house. Raylan had climbed from the car and made his way towards his son. Nate was relieved that his gait was steady though less than thrilled that he was still looking very much like a marshal with his gun and badge clipped to his belt.

"Mr. Givens I presume?" Wayne Baldwin asked sticking his hand out as Raylan neared.

"Yes, thank you for calling me. I'm sorry that you had to," he said looking down at Nate.

"I'm glad I didn't wake you out of a dead sleep. What does the badge signify?"

"Hmm? Oh I'm a Deputy US Marshal."

"Are you still working at this late hour?"

"Fact finding comes at all hours of the day and night," Raylan said smiling as he adjusted his hat. "Nate apologize to Mr. Baldwin for crashing his daughters party."

"I'm sorry for being here without your knowledge."

"Well you were invited, just not by me. I just didn't want you or your wife to worry; I can't imagine what it would be like to realize your child wasn't at home at this time of night."

"Terrifying I'm sure." Raylan said disregarding the comment about his nonexistent wife. "I would have been in that very place shortly as I was about to head home. I wouldn't have handled the discovery well. I appreciate you getting in touch with me. I am sorry about all this and Nate and I will be having a long talk about it."

"Not a problem Marshal."

The girls continued to peer down from above. "He's got a star on him, does that mean he's a deputy of some kind," Lauren asked.

"Nate's gonna get a beatin' fer sure," Amy stated.

Taylor furrowed her brows in a mixture of frustration and sympathy for her part in Nate's situation. Now he would never want to be with her.

The Givens walked down the sidewalk towards the car. Nate a few steps ahead of his father climbing in the car quietly. Nothing was said as Raylan started the Lincoln and pulled away into the darkness. The two block drive took no time and it was only a few moments before they were at home.

Nate hung up his jacket and continued his silence. Raylan audibly sighed behind him causing the boy to turn around.

"What? You expect an apology; want me to throw myself on the mercy of the marshal? Not gonna happen." Nate stated.

"Well," Raylan said looking a bit surprised at his son's outburst. "Actually I'm not sure what I'm looking for."

"I wasn't going to go, because it wasn't worth sneaking out, but you made it so that all I had to do was walk out, I could have announced it if I wanted to. In fact you've made my life very easy because now, I don't answer to anyone."

"Is that how you see it?"

"No that's how it is. If I see you more than ten minutes a day; it's cause for celebration. Now I know Winona left you, and that she was pregnant with your child, and I'm sure it hurts like hell, but you know what? You have another child, who waited his turn to be a part of your life and you have totally shut me out. I'm sorry for your problems and I know there are quite a few, but instead of treating me like just another thing to deal with, treat me like your son and someone who might be able to help you. If you keep drinking your night away then trust me when I say you will be miserable and alone." Nate turned around walked to his bedroom and slammed the door.

Raylan followed him, but stopped when he got to the door. He rested his head on the doorframe and stood there quietly absorbing his sons words. Nate had a lot of things right and it was hard for Raylan to accept that. He finally knocked and opened the door. Nate was laying on his bed, fully clothed, tear tracks on the side of his face.

"You're right, I screwed up and drove Winona away and now I'm screwing up and driving you away. I'm sorry Nate. It's just that I feel like I'm toxic to everything around me and I didn't want you to get caught in that."

"Bullshit Dad," Nate replied. "Armed gunmen have invaded our home and you didn't go off and drink all hours of the night. I don't think it gets more toxic that that. Please don't play the 'I'm protecting you from me' card. It's kinda cliché and I'm not buying it. Did you ever think that perhaps I could provide a distraction? You did call when you needed help with the gun, but then you just as easily dismissed me and that totally sucks."

"You're right son it does suck, this whole thing sucks. Come with me," Raylan said reaching out his hand to Nate who was still perched on his bed.

"No thanks."

Raylan sighed as he pulled his hand back. "Don't make me ask again Nate."

"Why should I do what you say when you won't even acknowledge me?"

"Well I'm acknowledging you now," Raylan said reaching out and grabbing his son and tugging him his direction. He pulled Nate down the hall and out the front door.

"What are we doing?" Nate asked pulling his arm away once they had gotten outside.

"Do you remember when you were in Florida and I was still at Glynco and I would tell you to go outside and look at the stars and moon when we were on the phone?"

"Yeah."

"Did you actually go outside?"

Nate paused, "yeah I did go outside. You always said we didn't seem so far away from each other if we were looking at the same stars."

"That's right, and I was out there looking at those same stars as well. Some days it would be so hard to wait until it was time to call you so we could look at the constellations together."

"And yet you so easily chose the bourbon over the boy," Nate responded.

"Yes, yes I have, and I'm sorry for that. When I found out your mother was pregnant with you at first I was excited, thrilled, but then as time progressed I got scared. Do you know why?"

"No, why?" Nate asked, taking the bait.

"Because fatherhood is a privilege that I wasn't sure I deserved. I had no idea how I would react, if I would be any good at it. Let's face it; I didn't have much of a mentor in that department. My biggest fear was that I would turn out like Arlo."

"But you didn't; even now in your current condition, you're still better than him."

"I'm glad you feel that way, despite my recent behavior. But some of what I said is true; my mood has been piss poor and I figure lashing out at strangers is better than laying it on you. Bouncing drunks out on their ass can be very therapeutic."

"Well therapy is over. I'm not saying you can't go out and play once in a while but I need you too. Maybe between the two you can figure out what you need to do to fix your piss poor attitude."

"Right now I need to figure out what to do with you and your piss poor attitude." Raylan replied.

"About what?"

"I had a lovely voicemail from Mr. Teller. He said you had a bout of insubordination today; which you topped off with your little escapade tonight."

"Well then, I figure we're even, actually I figure you still owe me."

"Well I may have acted like an ass, but you are a child, a child who is getting a little uppity and who was out past his personal curfew, and the city of Lexington's curfew and that has to be dealt with."

"I disagree."

"Doesn't matter, being a father has a few perks and being able to say, ' because I'm the dad and I said so' is one of them. I say you owe me a week." Nate's eyes narrowed as he balked at Raylan's decision. "Well we could revisit the side of the road." Raylan continued.

Confusion took hold on Nate's face as he struggled to understand what his father was talking about. He looked over at Raylan who cocked an eyebrow and suddenly it came back to him. The day back in Harlan County right after Coover had been killed. Nate had been full of attitude and wouldn't yield until Raylan pulled the car off to the side of a very quiet road and did his best Arlo impression. The ride home had been somewhat uncomfortable for the boy but the action had cleared the air.

"I hated that," Nate said quietly.

"I know you did, that's why I did it. I figured I could hold it over your head until you were eighteen. I'll tell you what – how about we're both grounded for the week. Me being an ass saved yours."

"Sounds good to me," Nate agreed staring up into the night sky. "But until I'm eighteen? Come on Dad."

"Remember where you are," Raylan reminded.

"Yeah yeah, I have a feeling you won't ever let me forget." Nate said gazing back up at the night sky.

The moon, just short of being full, looked slightly distorted. The shape was somewhat lopsided and unbalanced. Raylan stared up at it feeling similar to the sphere and wondering if he would ever truly fill out as father. The moon could not help but follow its path, but Raylan was alone in his efforts that were subject to many mistakes and errors in judgment. His path wasn't quite as clear or illuminated. He blinked several times and looked down at his son who was also gazing at the imperfect image shining down on them.

"Dad," Nate said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," Nate said walking over and wrapping his arms around Raylan's waist.

Surprised, Raylan reciprocated, holding his son close. He looked down and asked, "for what?"

"For not being Arlo, for being better than that, for breaking the cycle and for being my dad."

Raylan swallowed hard as a tidal wave of emotions bubbled up into his chest and throat. He enjoyed the moment and finally the embrace broke. "So how was it, being the lone male in the midst of that sea estrogen?" Raylan said changing the subject.

"It was awesome Dad," Nate said smiling.