Fragments of Memories

Castiel sighed as he closed the door to his new home. He'd just moved his boxes of stuff to the main floor, had unpacked enough to make the place look like a tornado had passed by, and now he was leaving because he was starving and there was nothing inside. He was a little glad for the location, there was only one other house nearby and it was quiet, peaceful, but most importantly private.

However when he was this hungry and he knew he needed to carry a ton of groceries back, the walk to town might just be the biggest pain in the ass. Regardless, Castiel started down the drive way, if he wanted to eat he couldn't sit around waiting.

As he reached the road he saw a dark car roaring closer, it was headed his way and he figured it'd pass but it didn't. Instead it stopped just ahead of him and a young man called out to him, "You're the new neighbor, right? My brother said it'd be nice to bring you a fruit basket, name's Dean Winchester."

The Ugly Duckling World: Part 4

When the front door opened, Castiel, Jet, and both Dean's flinched, all eyes turning toward the new flood of people incoming. Dean, the husband, grinned widely and went to his brother for a hug. He knew which one was his, though Gabriel hanging off him didn't hurt the chances of not screwing up. "Sammy, how you doing?"

"I'm good, Dean." Sam smiled and squeezed back, resting his head for a few moments.

The other pair of brothers did the same though they had seen one another much more recently so it was a quick pat on the back and shoulder. Dean had pulled away and hadn't wanted to look to Castiel yet so he clasped hands with his Jet and they pulled each other into a quick 'manly' hug that ended with a somewhat painful hit the back. "How was the trip?"

"Long," Sam sighed and stretched his arms above his head, "And a bit cramped."

Dean smirked, "You've got too much limb going on, that's way."

"I'm not that much taller than you." Sam jibed back.

"Hello Dean." Castiel spoke next, interrupting the brotherly exchange and finally catching Dean's eye. On the trip in Cas had gotten quieter after the outburst but that didn't stop his memories or thoughts. They'd continued to boil in his head and with a long, silent drive there was a lot of time to think over all of it. Nothing mind numbing to distract him, just an open road and all the reminders in the world that he'd lost his family.

Dean planned to look for a quick second, finding it hard to get himself to gather the courage. But he stopped and stared at the redness of Castiel's eyes and the stressed, pained expression that he wasn't hiding as well as he normally would. "Cas?" The concern out weighed the rest of it, pushed down his fears of speaking up and stamped them out. "Hey, what happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you." Castiel inhaled sharply and moved to look around the house, passing by his other self who just couldn't let him go without getting a look at him.

"Sweetheart, you're not fine." He said soothingly as he pulled the other Castiel closer, "Let's go upstairs." It was softly spoken, their eyes meeting briefly before the priest had to turn his head away.

"Alright."

And just like that the Castiel's escaped the room. No one attempted to stop them though they'd noticed. Well, most of them. The two Jet's stared at one another with a strange expression as they tried to decide whether or not they liked this very much.

"Okay," Cas closed the door to his and Dean's bedroom, letting his priest-self sit on the bed to relax a little bit. He went and sat down next to the other, reaching over and holding hands carefully. "What's going on?"

Castiel shook his head and took in a shaky breath, "I said I'm fine."

"You don't think I can tell when my face is on the verge of tears? I saw your lips quiver, I can see how wet your eyes are, and I can see you've already cried which means the rest of the tears aren't far off." He rubbed their hands together quietly, letting his words sink in and the quiet calm fill the room. "You looked a little stronger when you walked in, but that didn't last. Is it because of him?"

The priest scoffed bitterly and shook his head, "Not at all-"

"You're lying to me."

Castiel bit his lip, trying to keep his face straight but it tensed and pulled until a sob struggled out of him. "Yes, okay?" He looked at the softhearted counterpart through fresh tears, "He-he hugs and greets them and I'm still just…" He dropped his head into his hands to wipe the shame from his face though it still poured down; he'd broken part of the dam. "You don't know what it's like! To lose him forever, thinking you'll be alone until you're put with a second priest as a partner and it's… It's him."

Rubbing small circles in the other's back, Cas listened and did his best to understand. He remembered what Dean had said and how he'd understood it then; that there were many other versions of Castiel and Dean and each one had a certain partner meant for them. This Castiel had lost his Dean, sure he'd met another one but it wouldn't be exactly the same. It's like meeting a new person with the same face. "Honestly, sweetie, I don't know how you do it." He whispered softly, continuing the soothing circles mindlessly. "But you are, you are doing it. And you're doing so well. I don't think I need to tell you what Dean is like, you already know, possibly more than I do with most things. But you need to be reminded I think," he tilted the other Castiel's head up so they were looking at one another, "Don't be hurt by his awkwardness, he's not good at showing it but Dean cares about you. He just never knows how to say it at first."

The priest sniffled and wiped his face dry with a soft laugh, "I think I know what you mean… But he's not mine to understand."

"But he is yours. Don't you get it? Your first lover was a Dean, yes, but this Dean has never had or met a Castiel before. You are his Castiel." Cas insisted, moving to kneel on the floor in front of the other and holding his hands firmly. "There are so many different versions of us around, right? You've met two Dean's with no Castiel's, how do you know which one was meant to be yours? I only see one Dean wearing a matching outfit and travelling with you. This is who you are meant to be, this Dean is who you are meant for!"

Castiel watched the excitement dance across his counterpart's face, felt the energy between them and even let himself believe it, if only for a moment. "I'd… I'd have to think about that."

"Take your time, you'll find out I'm right." Cas winked at him and rose from the floor. "How about you take a shower and relax? I'll get some clothes for you."

"Thank you," Castiel sighed lightly and closed his eyes for a few seconds before looking up again, "I appreciate all you're doing for me, you really have no reason to care whether or not I'm happy."

"It's no problem at all." Cas grinned and helped the other up and out to the luxurious bathroom.

"They're taking a while." Jet muttered, no one really cared which Jet had spoken either because they seemed too similar to really try and tell them apart. Everyone had settled in the living room

"Yeah," Dean muttered, feeling like a total and complete shit head for everything. He couldn't figure out why he hadn't bothered to say hello, it wasn't like Castiel knew what was going on in his head. As far as Cas' vantage point went, Dean was normal for a while and now suddenly he's distant and cold and neglectful of his own partner. It wasn't okay, Dean knew that. He knew that being awkward around Castiel wasn't a good idea, especially if Cas was already sore about having to spend time with Dean in the first place. He couldn't imagine having to live with an alternate reality version of someone he loved more than anything, just to watch their habits be the same and know that they'll never love him again. Having to live with that feeling every day and then suddenly watch them drift away and treat him like an outcast? Dean knew he must have dim-wittedly torn Castiel's heart out.

"Hey Dean?" Sam spoke up and Dean had to double check his memory on what his little brother had been wearing to know which Sam was talking to him. It was his brother, not that it really mattered though.

"What's up Sammy?"

"Can I tell you something?" Sam motioned toward the door so they could get a little privacy. Dean would have been lying if he'd said Sam's tone didn't concern him, Sam only took on that voice when he had something serious to say and often it was because Dean was in trouble.

Regardless they stepped out and wandered a little ways away from the house for good measure. "Dean, on our trip in something happened…" Sam trailed off and nipped at his lower lip as he tried to decide what to say.

"Like what? Did you guys bump into a monster out there without me?" Dean tilted his head to get back into Sam's line of sight, the younger male getting the hint and looking directly into his brother's face for the next part.

"No, it was Cas. He... he had some kind of a break down. That other guy, Gabriel, he's the other Sam's boyfriend and Cas just wouldn't stop glaring at him."

Dean furrowed his brow, having to deal with the idea that his little brother in another world had a boyfriend on top of the thought of Castiel breaking down. "What do you mean exactly? What did Cas do?"

"Well after a bit of a fight that started from I don't even remember what, Cas basically disapproving of the other Sam being with Gabriel, he just snapped. He was saying how he knew a Gabriel, before the time he became a priest, when he was living a normal life. The Gabriel he knew had been in a relationship with a 'close friend', that friend apparently had gotten really sick and the Gabriel left him to die alone, essentially." Sam fumbled through the story trying to figure out a good way to tell it, ignoring the way Dean's face scrunched every now and then. "The way Cas was saying it, at one point he almost said the name of his friend but stopped himself, I swear he was going to say Sam. And when this Gabriel said he'd probably go out and try to find a cure if his boyfriend were dying, Cas only got worse. Like a trigger, he blew out, spilling a mass amount of emotion over the topic that was no longer hypothetical. I tried to remind him that this was a different couple than the one he was thinking of and he just…"

Dean shook his head, getting the idea of what Sam was trying to say. "Cas… Cas once said he had a husband that had tried to kill him, that his last name is Winchester and… the other day I was remembering a nightmare I'd had about strangling him. Cas told me that since it happened when we met it was our bond as partners and high priests, that I was seeing his past somehow. I can't really explain how I know this, Sam, but at the time I'd thought you were possibly the husband he was talking about, you know? He was always so nice to you and hated me, I figured that his husband was someone he'd be nice to…"

"But his husband tried to kill him, so…" Sam continued Dean's thought process, his eyes narrowing as they both looked away. "And on top of that, if the 'close friend' that died tragically was a Sam then of course he'd be nice to me… I mean think about it, how has he looked at me? It's not with lust it's just-"

"Love." Dean nodded, "Cas just plainly loves you. And why wouldn't he be cruel to someone he remembers trying to kill him? Sam, Cas' husband was a Dean. We were his family at one point."

"Not us," Sam reminded him which only made Dean's expression sink. "Cas' family is gone, Dean. I think he's having a hard time warming up to us because we look like them but aren't them. We aren't Castiel's family, we could never be what they were."

"We could never be what they were…" Dean frowned; remembering the other Castiel's words again, about how no other Dean in the world could love him the same way. "Goddamn it Sam… We-" He looked around as if to find some easier way to speak was as simple as staring at a tree, "We might not be his first family," he poked a finger against Sam's chest, feeling the anger and rage boil in his chest, "But that doesn't mean we aren't, understand? We are just as much his as he is ours. Cas is our family now."

With that Dean stormed inside. He needed to talk to Cas, to get this out of his head, to get the information out and to let Castiel know what was going on in their little group. That he wasn't alone, that his family wasn't gone forever, that what happened before didn't change the present. Sam smiled a little, rubbing his chest where Dean's finger had prodded him, glad he could light a little fire under his butt.

After a getting the bathroom set up for his counterpart, Cas trotted down the stairs to see to everyone else. He wasn't sure what was going on, not really, but it was a fun excuse to play housewife for a bit. That didn't mean he wanted to sit around the house waiting for Dean to come home every day, but it was just fun to play. As he slipped down the stairs one of the Dean's was trying to get up, they paused in the middle and looked at one another, quickly to check to see which Castiel and which Dean had just bumped into one another.

Cas smiled at the dark overcoat, knowing by the face alone that this wasn't he his Dean but it was nice to get a little bit of proof to tell himself he was right. It was a nice feeling to know you could tell your lover apart if you were that close to their body double. "Where are you going?"

"Where's Cas?"

"I'm right here."

"My Cas, where's my Castiel?" Dean insisted, his face strained with what looked like thoughts he'd been holding on to for too long already. It was a short little phrase but it still made Cas smile, he could tell which Dean was his and now this Dean was showing signs of being able to do the same. He was definitely evolving on that 'I'm not sure I like him-I really like him' train.

"You planning on talking to him now? I think he needs some time-"

"Where is he?" Dean interrupted, not letting Cas get any other information off.

"Bathroom, he's going to-" Cas stuttered out as Dean booked it past him, no longer listening as he finished his sentence, "-take a shower." He shrugged and continued down to the main floor, they could handle themselves without interference.

"Cas?" Dean went to the bathroom door and tried the handle, finding it locked. "Cas, I need to talk to you."

Castiel, after just stepping out of the last of his clothing, paused with his hand on the shower knob. "Can it wait, Dean?" He was tired, exhausted emotionally, mentally, and physically and he wasn't sure he could keep everything to himself with Dean at that moment.

"No, it's something I need to tell you." His voice was so tense, Castiel wanted to ask if something had happened but he didn't really want to talk to Dean right then. What with the lack of greeting and everything, he thought they were fighting or something.

So as much as he wanted to just give in and listen, the sting of being neglected still hurt enough to swell his pride. Cas instead turned the water on, "Not now."

Dean frowned and reached back into his coat for his weapon, forming it into a tool to help him pick the lock. There was something in his head that refused to let that be the answer, something that knew Castiel was hurting and wanted to put an end to it immediately. For some reason he hadn't considered the fact that he'd heard the sound of running water, that Castiel may in fact just be taking a shower and not trying to ignore him. Dean was too preoccupied with the best of intentions.

The door swung open and Dean stalked inside, closing it behind him. He looked up through the steam at a surprised expression, his partner stepping back a little to hide behind the curtain hung there.

"Dean! What are you doing?" Cas started to protest and grab for the shower curtain to cover himself better but Dean wouldn't have any of it. Before he knew it he was pushed back against the cold tiled wall, the chill shooting through his back and bringing a shiver to the rest of his body. Dean was holding him there, hands on Castiel's biceps and pressing him against the wall as the water poured over both of them. "Dean?" Cas managed a soft question in the name, his gaze tilting up to see what kind of insanity had brought Dean to him this time.

"Cas, listen to me." Dean seemed entirely unaware of the shower, the water soaking his head and clothes, dripping down Castiel's skin to where hands held him in place, he didn't seem to notice any of it. "I know who you were married to," Dean could see the pain well up in Castiel's face, how everything tried to harden itself against the possibilities of the conversation, especially Cas' heart. "Sam figured out your close friend was your brother-in-law and who he was." He swallowed nervously, starting to lose a bit of his edge, "Cas, I just need to tell you that we know, and-"

"You don't know a damn thing." Castiel snarled, his voice cracking and the hurt slipping through. His eyes were steeled against Dean, angry, sharp, and cold. He tried to push Dean back but the other man refused to budge. Cas looked surprised then and suddenly much more vulnerable, "Dean, leave."

"No, Cas. You think you're all alone and you miss them, you don't see us you see ghosts of people you knew." Dean struggled to hold Castiel in place as the other priest pushed back and tried to pull away. Long, pale arms flailed out and grasped at things to help him use as a brace more than the slick floor of a porcelain tub, hands balled into fists when he couldn't reach. "Cas-"

"Let me go!" Castiel shouted, "You don't know anything, you don't understand!" He started hitting and smacking at Dean as his partner pulled him from anything he could grab ahold of.

"No I don't! But that doesn't mean I don't care!" Dean held Castiel perfectly still, their noses touched and Cas opened his eyes to see how close their faces were. "Cas, as much as you want to distance yourself from it, we're your family now." His words were so softly spoken that Cas wasn't even sure he'd heard them, and yet they were in his mind moving along with everything his other self had said earlier.

"You are his Castiel."

Cas let himself stare into the green eyes in front of him, finally letting himself relax for a moment to just look. How he could recognize the gaze like it had happened to him once before, eyes widening as he slowly recognized what it was. He'd seen this look in his husband as they'd come to know each other; he would never forget the look of a man falling love because he'd also seen it in himself. "Dean…" Cas whispered as he tried to turn away but found he couldn't bring himself to do it.

"Please, let us be your family. Let… let me." The way he'd said it was so sincere and Castiel felt the pain thunder in his chest, tears rushing to his eyes and refusing to be wiped away so easily.

"Dean" this time it came out in a sob but Cas didn't try to pull away anymore. He pushed forward and wrapped his arms around the other's shoulders and held tight, burying his face in the crook of Dean's neck.

Dean sighed his relief and cradled Castiel against him, his hands grazing the bare skin of his partner's torso giving him the first impression that Castiel had been entirely naked during their exchange. He glanced over at the running water coming from the showerhead and realized what he'd done, busting in on the other man in a very vulnerable situation. Dean felt his cheeks burning the more he began to notice that Castiel's naked and wet body was pressed against him. 'He's crying and needs you, how about we think about it later?' He reminded himself and, surprisingly, the scolding tone of his thoughts was enough to get his mind away from the gutter.

"Thank you," Cas finally sighed, "I… I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything." Dean smiled and rested his head against Cas'.

Castiel in turn laughed softly and nuzzled Dean's cheek, "Then I'll leave it at thank you."

"Deal."