Hello again. Things have been a bit erratic lately and since I'm going to go on holidays I won't update for a while, I mean I will try to write a bit every day but it will be a lot harder since I won't have the time I have now, sorry. As always I would like to thank all of those that have reviewed my story, I am very grateful to you all and I hope you continue reading and reviewing of course. I would like to apologize for spelling or grammatical mistakes and I hope it isn't anything serious.

Please enjoy the new chapter of Disease

Disclaimer: Hey Arnold does not belong to me in any way.

Disease

Chapter III: With or Without

He never imagined it could be like this, with the single touch of her soft, pink lips to his he felt like a weight had been lifted off his back, the ice melted leaving his blood warm and flowing naturally again, the fear and anger dispelled like they had been part of a bad dream and not his constant companions, for the first time in days he felt safe and at peace, the feel of her skin was like a long awaited return to home. Only the fire remained but no longer the inferno that had corrupted him for so long, this fire was all-consuming, slow and gentle, not maddening or angry it felt just natural to burn like this. He was still sick, he knew that, but it felt so good now, it was a feeling of liberation yet he was conscious that he was more dependent on her now than he had ever been before.

His lips moved over hers softly, memorizing the taste of her, he dared not ask for entry or think about if anyone had ever touched the soft skin that remained submissive under his desperate attack. His lungs began to burn for air but he resisted, he did not want to part with her, being with her like this was like a drug healing him but making him worse at the same time, he realized dimly that he was becoming addicted to her cure, to end this moment would be to plunge back into the void of anger and fear, to part now would be to never experience this again …

Not yet! Please not yet! I need more time! Helga, please give me more time to set everything right!

But his need for air spoke higher and reluctantly he slowly broke away from her. And just like that the spell was broken, icy water washed over him, he jumped back afraid of her, the influence she had over him terrified him, what he had just done terrified him… He looked at his hands, the hands that had shoved Helga into a wall, that held her still as he took her lips with force, it were the hands of a stranger. He looked at her, really looked at her for the first time since she had dragged him to this secluded place and what he saw made the feeling of panic grow even larger.

Helga, always so strong and sarcastic, so witty and fearless was crying, silent tears ran across her, now, unnaturally pale flesh, her blue eyes wide with shock and panic, and she was very still, so much so that if it wasn't for the rapid rise and lowering of her chest he would have doubted if she was alive. He had never seen Helga cry before, and he never wanted to see it again, he didn't know what to do, he was hopping she would yell or make fun of him but she was just standing there looking at him with those terrified eyes. Bile rose in his throat, he felt like he was going to throw up, shame and self-disgust were slamming into to him, those eyes, those beautiful big eyes that had always looked at him with defiance and amusement were afraid of him…

What have I done? What the hell is wrong with me? Oh Helga…

No! It wasn't supposed to be like this. He wanted to defeat Helga, to make her admit the truth about that day, to hear that would completely heal him he was sure, but this… he couldn't tear his eyes away from hers, he craved the return of the ice hopping that would make him immune to that gaze. He was chocking in his own panic but he couldn't move, paralyzed by her eyes. All he could do was to stare at her. He would do anything to make those tears stop, but he didn't know what, touching her was out of the question, he didn't trust himself enough for that but he had to say something… He didn't care if he lost again, after all the game wasn't over yet, he just wanted her to turn back to the Helga he knew.

"Helga… Oh Helga! I'm so sor…"

The impact was so sudden that he fell on his back onto the hard soil with a grunt, he looked up shocked, and Helga was standing before him like a vengeful Valkyrie, face livid with fury, Ol'Betsy and the Five Avengers taunt at her sides, ready to attack him again.

"How dare you? After all you said, after all we've been through, how dare you?"

He stood up, a mixture of emotions were welling up inside him, relief at her return to normal, anger that she hit him, shock because despite all of her threats Helga had never actually hit him before, and confusion at her words, Surely she didn't think that he the only one responsible for this mess. She was the one who started this!

"Helga listen…"

"NO! I've heard enough from you tonight! Now you're going to listen to me!"

He tried to fight back but her gaze made him hold his tongue, the way she was it was more than likely she would hit him again, no matter how angry he was there was no desire to provoke the anger of Ol'Betsy.

"It was your idea! To forget about the whole thing it was your idea, not mine! You wanted to believe that moment never happen as hard as me!"

"Helga…"

"No! Let me finish! You can't keep pulling me back to this! You can't …Why did you do this Arnold? "

He looked at her, her face still wet with tears caught the glow of moon and her hair was now messy, the anger and self-disgust burned inside him when he realized that he couldn't help but thinking on how beautiful she really was, even filled with anger and hurt. She was looking at him, her big piercing blue eyes and it awakened in him a fuzzy memory long forgotten… or it had been one of his feverish dreams, it was of a little girl alone in the rain with nobody to hold her hand or comfort her. His fever was coming back, he could already feel his body starting to burn, they really were alike he realized, she and that lonely girl, he wanted to comfort her, to take away her pain, his skin already desperate to hold her in his arms and stop her tears. He forced himself to stop looking at her before he did something crazy again.

"I… I don't know."

It was true, what had come over him to do those things was beyond his knowledge, all he had known had been the heat and the anger and the desperate urge to do something, anything to make this disease stop before there was nothing in him left. He didn't know what to answer her, to say he regretted it would be a lie, he didn't regret the touch and the kiss had been amazing, never before had he felt such an incredible feeling of belonging, but the situation had been so very wrong. He couldn't tell her that, it just wasn't right.

Helga I can't say it. The need I have for you can't be described.

"You don't know! You make us go through all this crap and you don't know?"

She was screaming at him, apparently she no longer cared if anyone dropped in their little heart to heart. Why? Why couldn't she see what was wrong with him? She caused this, he was sure of that, but if she didn't know how to help him, if she truly didn't care then he would be lost forever…

"No I don't! I don't know what came over me! I've been like this for a long time Helga and I don't know why! And tonight when I saw you with Brainy I just snapped!"

He was pretty sure she was going to hit him again and mentally prepared for the impact.

"Brainy? All of this is because I went to the party with Brainy? "

He didn't know what to say, he was afraid to speak. Something was happening; something that he didn't count on, the floor between them was cracking and creating a pit between them, one he could never cross if it became wider. So he stayed quiet as he slowly realized with horror that this wasn't FTi all over again, there was no way they could pretend this never happened, the truth was he didn't want to, the FTi incident had been a mistake and it had festered inside him till he had gone insane, and now here he was, he could still feel the coolness of her lips against his, the feel of her naked shoulders in his hands, the press of her body against his, fighting with her on a moonlit night burning alive in a unknown fire.

"Arnold… are you jealous of Brainy? Is that what this is? Do you like me?"

"No."

The answer had been cold, fast and to the point, in the middle of all these turmoil and confusion, faced with the fire and ice, ravaged by the anger and emptiness, beaten by her again and again till the need to win consumed him, there was but one point in which he was firm, his only safe heaven was the unshakable conviction that he was not in love with Helga. It was impossible for him to be in love with Helga… she was Helga! Mean, sarcastic, tomboy, crazy Helga it was just impossible! Helga was nothing like the girls he had dated before, she was the exact opposite of Lila who had been his longest crush ever, and Helga was bitter and had a cruel sadistic streak that made his blood boil and created an urge to fight with her. No, he wasn't in love with Helga; there was no way he could be…

"Let me see… You're not in love with me but you're angry if I date someone else, you don't want me but you don't me to want anyone else… You can't have it all Arnold."

"That's not it. I can't explain it Helga."

"Oh really?! Because it looks pretty clear from where I'm standing! You don't want to see me move on; you want me to be in love with you and chase after you and be miserable for the rest of my life for what? To boost your ego or something?"

Why couldn't he explain it to her? She was misunderstanding everything! He couldn't think straight with the fire in him, he needed to be clear of mind; he needed her to make him better like when he kissed her. He never wanted to hurt her or to create a wall between them and most of all he had never meant for things to go this far… He couldn't be in love with Helga but that didn't mean that he wanted to be parted from her…

"No Helga it's nothing like that. I never wanted for this to happen, it was a mistake."

"It always is."

He didn't know how to answer that, so he said nothing at all, just looked at her trying to convey all that he was feeling through his eyes, begging her to understand. She stepped back, shook her head and walked away, he did not stop her.

He sat down on the grass rested his head on his hands he felt like a child again sitting by his grandfathers side as he read the end of his father's journal, lost, confused and sad.

She was right, it had always been a mistake, and their entire messed up relationship was a mistake. How much better their lives would have been if they had never met each other, if they had never seen each other in that rainy morning when they were three years old. He looked at the night sky and thought that someone had to be mocking him up there, of all the cities in the world, of all the preschools and schools in Hillwood he had to end up in the same class with the only one person in this world that could drive him out of his mind. He tried to image his life without Helga, no one to argue, to stand up to, no one to drive him up the wall, he would be happy, dating some sweet girl, never knowing that there was a fire that could burn from the inside, never knowing that there was sickness that could corrupt someone so fully, he would be happy and normal. And yet his whole being found that existence revolting and empty, he realized with disgust that he rather spend his life like this than to have never met Helga.

If only it was someone else, someone other than her. If only it wasn't so intense or frightening. If only he could make her see what was going on. If only…

He had made such a mess of things, he should have gone after her, tried to explain it to her, to make her see, he should have at least tried. Now he was alone, he knew Helga, he didn't understand her, but he knew and she would avoid him like the plague, he wouldn't even have the opportunity to make things right, he had missed his chance, he was sure that by now she was in Brainy's arms making plans on how to avoid him for rest of her of life.

How did things go so wrong?

Why did it have to be Helga, of all people? She was poison, pure poison, to his soul, to his mind and to his body, when he was with her he didn't know himself, he didn't have any control, there were times when he believed that his rational brain turned off and his body moved on its own, like with the kiss tonight.

He got up suddenly and passed nervously, back and forth in the country club's pristine lawn, hands pressed against his forehead in desperation. He was crazy, she had always made him crazy but now there was the danger of it becoming permanent and of causing real damage. What he had done was unforgivable to use the FTi incident against her like had been an extremely low blow, he remember the thrill he felt watching her face pale and felt disgusting, then to lose control like that, what kind of person was he? What had he been thinking?

He hadn't been thinking, that's what! There was something about Helga that made him lose all control and worse of all something in him had wanted to lose control. He had wanted to fight with her, he had revealed in the kiss, he hadn't regret it, even now that part of him was screaming at him for letting go, for letting her go back to Brainy. When he kissed he felt almost healed, in a way she was his cure, but to be around her was poison, he would be putting himself at her mercy, he would be subjecting himself to that primeval part of him. He didn't want that, to be so dependent on someone else, on her, it was scary; she was with Brainy now he had no right to ask that from her. She was the cause, she was his cure and she was unreachable.

He sighed, maybe Helga had the best idea maybe it was better if they stayed away from each other. Maybe if they were finally separated he would be healed and free from her, it would take some time and a lot of pain, but after a while he would get used to the separation, eventually things would calm down and they would put these incidents behind them, perhaps the impossible would happen and he would forget about Helga, soon enough she would just be someone from his past. He was sure of it, it had to work since giving in to the fever had given him temporary relief but ultimately it had only made things worse.

His relationship with Helga had always been difficult now it had evidently reached its breaking point; he would be doing them both a favor by ending it now before they could cause more pain to each other. He had to stay away from Helga, from now on he would stay away from her at least until he was completely healed.

His heart gave a painful thump and he had to sit back down, it all felt so wrong so very wrong. Helga had always been there, during the happy times and the sad ones, fighting and laughing, clashing or helping each other, no matter what they had been together, she was one of the biggest constants of his life, bad or good there had never been a healthy medium, with Helga everything was passionate, the fire, the anger, the fights, the kiss… It was hard to think that never again would he feel that intensity, that passion, to never be called Football Head again and it hurt.

It hurts so much.

"Arnold."

He looked up shocked, Lila's soft voice pulling him out his musings, he had forgotten about her, about the party, about all his friends, only Helga could have that effect on him. He looked away from her graceful figure unable to stand her look of pity, she knew, she knew everything, by now there must be a big purple mark on his face so it wouldn't be hard to reach the conclusion that he and Helga had a fight, but the look on her face told him that she knew more, the look of absolute pity on her face made him feel ashamed, he had failed in whatever he set out to do and she knew that, she knew that he and Helga could never go back to way they had been before.

He felt her hand on his shoulder, it should have felt comforting, it should have taken his mind off the colossal mess up he made, but all it did was make him remember that just a few moments ago his hands had been on her shoulders, that his lips had been pressed against hers that she had been by his side and not Lila.

"Arnold, I think it's time to go home."

He looked around confused; it was like he didn't know where he was, indeed he looked to the parking lot in the distance there were several cars making their way to the exit.

How long have I been here? How long have I been here thinking of her?

"And Helga?"

He didn't mean to say it, he had been thinking it, he was always thinking of her but he didn't want to say it and most of all he didn't t want to know the answer that he already suspected Lila would give.

"She left about an hour ago… she left with Brainy."

It hurts! Why does it hurt so badly? Why Brainy?

Lila offered him her hand and he took it, he was sure that if she didn't lead him away that he would spend the rest of the night sitting on the lawn of the country club, she led to the front entrance where they asked the valet for the Packard at the door was Rhonda and her date saying goodbye to all the guests, when her eyes turned to him her face turned serious and she made a movement to come near them but a quick wave of the head from Lila stopped her. As soon as the Packard was delivered he practically shoved Lila inside and drove off desperate to escape the looks and the whispers but he couldn't escape Lila, she didn't even tried to hide her gaze as they entered Hillwood, he wanted her to stop it, he wasn't to be pitied after all he and Helga had been locked into battle since they met the fact that it was over now should be celebrated, no more arguments, no more feelings, no more Football Head.

He wanted to cry…

He stopped at Lila's door and silently urged her to get out and leave him alone, but she didn't she just sat there staring at him, he fought the urge to scream at her to get out, he wanted to be alone.

"I'm sorry."

Her soft voice rang in the car, it made the ice in him thicken and his soul become numb, he was never cold with Helga, with her there was only fire.

"Sorry for what?"

"For you and Helga, I'm so sorry."

Anger flowed through his body, he didn't want her pity, and after all what did she knew about him and Helga? Nothing that's what! He and Helga were in a league of their own and no one could truly understand. What did Lila knew about the fire inside him, what did perfect, happy Lila knew about losing control of everything.

"I don't know why you keep bringing up Helga, there is nothing between me and Helga and there is never going to be."

"I don't think that's possible."

He snapped, quickly turning to her he made no attempt to hide his anger, but Lila didn't even flinched just sat there staring at him.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I just don't it's possible to keep you and Helga apart."

How dare she?!

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Did she think of as some weakling that couldn't go a day without Helga's presence? He would show her, the resolve of avoiding Helga hardened in him, the anger at the disbelief of others taking his mind of the horrible pain and emptiness.

When she gave him a soft sad smile he felt an almost overwhelming urge to push her out of the car and drive away just to get away from it.

"Arnold, haven't you realized it yet?"

He just looked at her; did she really think she knew more about his relationship with Helga than him? He had been dealing with Helga for years before Lila even met them!

"Arnold you and Helga are so… I sorry I always ever so lost on how to explain this… intertwined (that's the only way I can explain it), you are so different and yet very similar that you compensate and complement each other absolutely perfectly. It is quite difficult to think of one without thinking of the other."

That hit too close to home for his tastes, the conversation taking a dangerous turn. He wanted to stay away from Helga not to be reminded on how much he needed her.

Then why is she with Brainy?! If we are so inseparable then why is she moving on when I can't!

"Lila, please…"

He couldn't have this talk, not with her and not now. The wounds were too recent, still open and bleeding, the pain was too recent for him to talk about it. He needed her to stop talking about this; he needed her to go away now. He couldn't deal with this right now, Helga was gone and that was that, there was nothing he could do, Helga had chosen Brainy not him... his hands tighten on the wheel at the thought. The pain was immense, the fire had been burning for a long time but it had never been painful but now it was a slow agony, it hurt everywhere and nowhere. The emotional turmoil was making him sick to his stomach and he felt a migraine starting to act up. He just wanted to see Helga and try to make things better but he couldn't because being together was what caused this whole mess, whatever he had meant to do when he had shattered their fragile peace he had obviously failed.

He felt Lila's small delicate hand on his shoulder; he looked up and forced himself to stand her gaze, he had already destroyed his relationship with Helga tonight he had no desire to ruin his relationship with such a good friend as Lila, so he smothered all the instincts that were telling him that the touch of her hand was disgusting that her look of pity as one of the most annoying things he had ever seen in his life.

"Arnold, everything is going to be all right. I know you and Helga are going to work things out."

No it's not going to be alright. It's never going to be alright again because Helga is gone and I messed up so badly.

He said nothing, all hope was gone from him, he watched Lila leave and entered her own house and he drove off. His body was going on automatic; he stopped when he needed to stop and went when he needed to go, he passed the dark dirty streets never even noticing them in his mind he was very far away. In his mind he was still in that lawn looking at her begging at her to see what is going on, to understand, to stay and then watching as she turned her back and walked away leaving him alone and hurt.

She left him and that hurt; she left him to go to Brainy and that hurt even more. He should have left things go the way they were going; sure he had been angry and he had been sick just by being around her but it had been better than this. Better than being in pain by knowing that he was separated from her, that moment when he kissed her had been so good, like for the first in years everything was right in his world, the fire had been calm, the sickness controlled and tamed, he had been incredibly happy, he was home, he was cured and then it all came crashing down on him.

His mind was not lost on the irony of the situation; eight years ago he had been in the opposite role of this dangerous game, it just went to prove on how sick he really was. He didn't know what to do, he didn't know half of what these feelings were but he knew they were all wrong. He shouldn't feel this way, especially towards Helga, why Helga? They knew each other for years and yet their relationship was never really on solid ground, he always knew where he stood with other people, he had family, friends, crushes, ex-girlfriends, teachers, rivals, people he knew and people he just plain didn't like, Helga didn't fit into any of those categories, there was no label he could put on Helga she was in a league of her own, no defined place in his life, sometimes friend, sometimes rival, so many times he couldn't stand her but it was impossible for him to imagine his life without her.

He parked the car at his front door and quietly walked the steps to his door; all lights were out and there was no noise, which was perfect. On a night like this the last thing he wanted was to face his Grandpa and Grandma with a bruise on his face, tomorrow he would deal with it, but tonight? He just didn't trust himself not to break down in front of his family, he was sure that if he was faced with his Grandpa's concern he would fall on his knees, cry like a child and confess to everything, his actions the feelings, he didn't that, he was too afraid his Grandpa would feel ashamed of him even for just one second. On top of everything else tonight that would be the final drop; the shame of the man who had raised him along with Helga's rejection would kill him.

He walked along the hallway of his home, too afraid to turn on any light in case somebody noticed despite the late hour, slowly he managed to enter his room, and turned off from the world he took off his tie and collapsed on the bed.

What was Helga to him?

All this mess and need for someone who didn't even have a defined place in his life was ridiculous! Who was Helga to him?

She was definitely not his friend, they had clashed way too often for that, and the emotions he felt when he was with her had nothing of friendly in them. Many people defined Helga as his enemy, his rival, and in many ways she was, she was the only person in this world that could make him so angry that he actually saw red, with Helga he wanted to defeat her, they had been in conflict so many times he could write a book about it, but still he couldn't see her as his enemy there had been many moments of tenderness between them, moments where he had felt connected to her and truly happy to have her with him, he just couldn't see Helga as his enemy.

His head hurt so badly, the events of this evening kept spinning around in his head; Lila's and Helga's words haunted him.

He was not in love with Helga, he could not be in love with Helga it was impossible. When he had a crush on a girl everything was rosy and perfect, she was perfect in his eyes, not with Helga, if anyone knew Helga's faults it was him, in a second he could name them: she was rude and insensitive, sarcastic and confrontational, insane and a bit sadistic, there were so many faults in her and he knew them all, he had fought with her over them, found them amusement in them at times. Nothing was rosy and perfect when Helga was involved, everything was intense and real and incredibly scary because of that.

So he knew he wasn't in love with Helga, he knew because she was Helga and he was Arnold and there was no way Arnold could love Helga, the mean bully of his childhood and now the bane of his existence. There was no way he would ever make such big of a mistake as to fall in love with Helga. It was insane, he and Helga drove each other crazy, how could he ever fall in love with her, it was impossible!

So that just brought on the question, what was Helga to him?

She seemed like she had no place in his life yet she was such a big part of it. She was his enemy and his friend, his torment and his salvation; she fit in all categories and none at the same time. She was his sickness and the only cure he knew. How to deal with that?

He was starting to fear that he was in too deep to ever pull out, the poison and the cure at the same time. How can she do these things to him?

How to fix this? He needed her and yet he wanted to stay the hell away from her before this madness consumed him if it hadn't already.

With or without Helga he was screwed.

So there we are, this chapter was a bit shorter but like I said I am having less time to write. Please review, it really helps to keep me motivated.