Hey! THANK YOU SOOO MUCH FOR YOUR FOLLOWS AND SUPPORT! Hope everyone is ok, and hope you like this chapter… It may be a bit OOC… What do you think though?
As Tony took a deep breath, Pepper reached for his hand. Taking hers in his, looking defeated and slightly shrugging, he said "I'm sorry about the strawberries" Bringing a slight smile to Peppers face, and his own, she gently tapped his hand in 'you really think that has been worrying me' sort of way, making a soft tutting noise; Shaking her head slightly, and looking sadly at him when she realised just how she had treated the dying man.
Blinking, trying to stop emotion flooding, she said softly, yet trying and failing a little to be matter-of-fact and composed 'Tony what happened? Why did you do all that? I have a theory but… I try to understand but its just so… unreal. Why? What..?' She trailed off.
Pulling her closer, her head leaning on his shoulder he replied, hurt at Pepper's sorrow, in a saddened voice 'I tried to.. to tell you. I didn't want to hurt you. I'm sorry I tried to-' Silenced as she nodded her head, biting her lips together 'I know. I'm so sorry.' Breathing in unison for a few minutes, she pulled away, looking into his own eyes, through which he was hardly being able to suppress his misery. 'Palladium. The Arc reactor has a connective and amplifying core made from Palladium. The thing that was keeping me alive was also killing me.' At Peppers understanding and pale face he carried on: 'I… I began to feel nauseas ever so slightly. I checked my Arc reactor as usual, and found 'High tech crossword puzzle' as Fury put it.'
'He knew!?' Pepper piped in, a hurt look in her eyes, feeling even more guilty about not spotting it.
"Yep. And so did Nata'lie'" Her guilt made worse, she subconsciously swept her hair back and her hand across her chest, a psychological sign she was truly guilty.
"So, she decided to attack me with some syringe. It worked, but could only hold it off and help the pain, not cure me-'
'You've been in pain?!' Sighing at the amount he was giving away, but finding his resilience was unresponsive, he felt vulnerable, but was so far in he may as well finish. "Well, the palladium was slowly poisoning my blood… so, yeah, and it made me feel weaker, sick, sometimes sending waves of pain around" (hell, may as well tell her everything..) "and as soon as, near the beginning symptoms, I discovered it I quickly looked for a replacement element. None. Not possible. Jarvis scanned it, and advised I checked my blood toxicity. By the time I had adapted a new reactor to have changeable palladium pieces, it was at 27%. And those weird dark green looking drinks helped slow it and reduce pain… but still. So, I felt defeated. The continued use of the suits excelled the effects, and so, the palladium pieces were corroding and entering my blood stream. Occasionally sending shocks.'
'But why didn't you tell me!?' Pepper sobbed, turning her head away and blinking deeply a few times throughout Tony's speech, not baring to think about the pain and thoughts and helplessness. She had tears streaming slowly down her cheeks now. Tony too behaved similarly, hastily trying to hide his feelings but finding he couldn't.
'So…, I, I-… I pushed everyone away.'
This time Pepper pulled Tony into her embrace, his sobs muffled on her shoulder. Taking some deep breaths, holding tight as they shuddered. 'So, I gave Rhodes the suits, you the company, and let myself fa-, fade into the background…' He said shakily, swallowing thickly as though his wind pipe was tighter than ever. 'I didn't want anyone to miss me. I'm not worth it. You deserve better. I made your life hell and you deserve someone better, someone to protect you…'
'Tony. Y-o-u a-r-e MY Iron Man. You are all I have. I need you - you know? I like this life. I WANT this life.'
'And then, Fury found some files and I watched them and my dad was there and he gave me the answer - vibranium. I cut up half the lab-' (he said quickly) 'and successfully made a new arc reactor. It works at least. I'm sorry about my behaviour - I just saw no future and lived while I could… I was trying to stay normal, but make sure everyone thought I was a jerk. I didn't want to hurt you, or stress you more, or anything.
Shaking her head again slowly, as Tony drew away and looked in the opposite direction, it was a few moments before they spoke again. Pepper could tell Tony hadn't finished, that there was a little more, but at least she understood why Tony did what he did. She mentally slapped herself. How could I have been so oblivious to his pain… I know him so well, I saw the look in his eyes. His outrageous behaviour - I should have understood. Why I believed he hadn't changed one bit form post Afghanistan I don't know. And I threw him out of my office… he was trying to tell me and I just didn't understand or… oh! He was so helpless, he said he needed me, tried to take me to Venice for his last ever birthday and I just let him succeed in pushing me away… yet he still wanted me there… he was so conflicted, his mask and his regrets wanted to distance himself, to fade, but his love and pain… he so wanted me to notice but couldn't deal with the vulnerability… and his father? And Rhodey? And how exactly did he push me away?... I fell for it, didn't see deep enough into his eyes to notice the pain, vulnerability and depressed feelings. I just don't know… he was looking scruffier daily. He pushed Rhodes away and gave the military what they wanted, he gave me the company and did what he wanted. He made me an omelette and he… I don't know. He is so complex I just don't know. I try though. I shall try.