Hello again, sorry for the delay but here it is chapter four.
I thank my many reviewers for their comments and hope that they keep enjoying this story and keep commenting on it. I'm sorry for any grammatical or spelling errors this story might have.
Please enjoy
Disclaimer: I do not own Hey Arnold!
Chapter IV: Subtle Hints
Morning came, unwanted as it were, light shone through the skylight bathing the room in a peaceful glow, groaning he rose from the bed, his clothes were rumpled and felt uncomfortable since he had fallen sleep in his tuxedo.
And what a restless sleep it had been, he had tossed and turned in an attempt to escape his nightmares but it had been in vain, even in the deepest part of his subconscious the emptiness had reached him and had tortured him. In his dreams he had been surrounded with darkness, unable to escape the dark prison that he had created, but he wasn't alone Helga had been there, he could feel her presence just beyond the dark jail and had called to her, begged her to save him and when she didn't answer him he had tried to reach her but her presence was fading, she was leaving him, he looked for a way out, clawed at the walls, but he couldn't escape, he watched helplessly as Helga left him in a Hell of his own creation.
Staggering he shed off his expensive tuxedo on the floor, the state of clothes were the last of his concerns as his mind forced him to relieve the events of last night time and time again. The way he acted had been monstrous; he had destroyed in a single night the most complex relation of his life. Questions swirled in his head, making it throb and hurt, he was emotionally exhausted but still his spirit did not rest, he was trapped in the events of last night.
What have I done?
Oh god Helga…
Why did you left me?
Why couldn't you understand?
Why Brainy?
What are you?
He couldn't answer them, he didn't even know who he was anymore all he knew was that he has sick and most off all he was tired, he was so very tired… Tired of the anger and the pain, tired of the turmoil and confusion, tired of the dreams and most of all he was tired of the person he was becoming. The person who was rude to his friends, who was mean and bitter, who managed to hurt someone so special and as strong as Helga, he hated it. Those tears tormented him, they didn't belong on her deep blue eyes or on running down her soft skin, Helga had always seemed so invincible to him, taller, athletic, so confident and brave, he knew she was smart and creative and when, as he grew up and realized just how bad her home life was those qualities seemed even more admirable.
Even now he was filled with anger when he thought of her family, neglecting Helga, it still baffled him on how could someone simply ignore Helga, how could someone overlook that snicker or the mischievous twinkle in her eyes or her sharp wit, it was impossible! He had never been able to ignore her no matter how much he had tried there had been always something that had always pulled him back in, that they had managed to completely ignore such an amazing person, that they were the responsible for Helga's fear of showing her true self disgusted him. That she managed to still be so strong and confident in that environment, so creative in that narrow-minded house was amazing to him. It made her even more extraordinary in his eyes; her qualities gained a new meaning knowing they bloomed in adversity.
And he had done the impossible; he had hurt that strong beautiful girl, he had done what years of abuse with that family of morons hadn't been able to do, make that girl cry.
He may not be able to define exactly what Helga was to him, but he knew he never wanted to hurt her, in all his dreams to defeat her he had never had the desire to hurt her in any way.
Quietly he slithered into the bathroom, it was still early so no one was awake, with any luck he could get out of the house without being seen, he looked at his reflection in the bathroom mirror.
Ol'Betsy sure knows how to make a comeback.
One side of his face was purple, throbbing and a bit swollen, he looked exhausted too. His skin a pasty tone, bags under his eyes, he looked almost as miserable as he felt, and that was saying something.
With a sigh he laid his forehead against the cool glass vainly hopping it would ease the throbbing on his forehead. Surprisingly the purple swollen flesh on his face wasn't his biggest concern, maybe because compared to what he feeling on the inside the physical pain was nothing, despite being the most noticeable.
What do I do now?
Did he just go on with his life like nothing happened? Would it be like FTi all over again, just pretending it never happen, letting it fester inside of him until it came out all wrong like last night. But he knew it wouldn't be like that anymore, it could never be like that ever again, he was tired of pretending, and from the looks of it so was Helga. No, they could never go back to the way things were before, that had become a closed chapter of their history with his stupid actions last night. But now what?
Was it completely ruined? Their relationship had never been stable, but they have known each other since infancy and had tons of friends in common, they had fought together, laughed together, more than half of his life's adventures had her in it, was it all over just because he made a stupid mistake? Would it just be some awkward silence between them from here on? Would they never laugh together again? Would they never bicker over stupid things again? Would he never see her frown as she complained about his nagging, while he laughed on the inside because he knew she was only pretending to be annoyed? Would he never feel his blood boiling when she teased him? Would he never feel the fire in his body when she called him Football Head?
No! Please no!
I don't want to lose Helga!
That thought startled him. It was true, despite the arguments, despite the person he was becoming, despite all the drama and the messes he just didn't want to lose Helga, not to Brainy, not to his own stupidity, not to anything.
Helga might not have a defined place in his life but he never wanted her out of it. Helga was such a big part of his life, they had gone through so much together but it still wasn't enough! There were still going to be so many special moments in his life and even mundane ones that he wanted for her to be with him. Still so many questions left unanswered. He couldn't lose her now!
They still had to see if Gerald and Phoebe ever ended up together, how he could ever watch the unfolding of their best friend's romantic life without her by his side making kissy faces and embarrassing the heck out of them while he tried desperately not laugh! Who else was going to discuss literature with him and make those simple words on paper take on a whole new deeper meaning? Helga was the only one who could do that! Who would he fight with about what was better, rock or jazz? Who would throw spitballs at him when he fell asleep in history? Who would go to horror movies with him and laugh and point out the stupidity of the plot?
There is still so much…
They still the Baseball World Series to go through, they had a bet in which of their favorite teams was going to win, they had to watch them together so the winner could rub his victory on the other one's face! And next year they would graduate! Who would he quarrel about college if there was no Helga there to make fun of his choices while being supportive in her own way? He would never even be able to talk about her choice; about she wanted to do in her life. He would never again have that moment when he caught her off guard and he would see, for the faintest of moments, the hidden brilliance that was inside of her, that hidden creativity and kindness that had survived against all odds!
Who would be his baseball nemesis?
No one.
No one would be all those things; no one could ever be all those things because there was only Helga. No one could just replace her and take her place, she was unique, a vital part of life. If she left there would be nothing there but an empty place and a memory of what once was. Helga had been the first, he had never admitted it to anyone and he was pretty sure he would take this to the grave with him but before Lila, Cecile or even Ruth there had been that little girl alone in the rain with a pretty ribbon in her hair, the first time he had looked at a girl and found her to be pretty. It had always a secret shame that Helga, of all people in this world, had been his first love.
He wanted Helga in his life.
I need Helga in my life.
Truly she was like a drug, no matter how much hurt she caused him he would always come back for more.
He took a shower and dressed in a simple T-shirt and jeans, he would have left the house then but his stomach grumbled angrily reminding him that other than that little snack at the party he hadn't eaten a good solid meal in almost a day. Groaning he made his way into the kitchen, he knew he couldn't avoid his family until his face returned to normal but the longer he could avoid this talk the better, after feeding Abner he made himself a sandwich and was prepared to bolt out the door.
"Shortman? What are you doing up so early? What happened to your face!?"
Shit!
"Oh… Morning Grandpa. You mean this little thing? It's nothing."
His Grandpa's face was incredibly serious, so much so, that he had to turn his eyes away. Even with all this drama he still had some shed of male pride left, there was no way he was going to tell his grandfather that Helga had beaten him up.
"You look like you went to a boxing match instead of a party! Who did this?"
"It's nothing Grandpa! I just had a little argument and it went a little out of hand."
"That's not a little argument, what did you fight about? A girl?"
Sort of…
His Grandpa took a hold of his shoulder, forcing his gaze back into the old man's concerned face. The urge to just spill everything about the sickness was immense, maybe confessing would ease his burden in some way but still what would that solve? His Grandpa didn't know Helga, he didn't know her like Arnold did and Helga was unlike anybody he had ever met! She was like fire, temperamental, dangerous, unpredictable and all-consuming, his Grandpa was great but his advice could be resumed in three words: never eat raspberries, completely useless for this situation.
"Come on Shortman, let's take care of that purple mess, I believe we still have a steak in the freezer."
After several awkward half-assed excuses in an attempt to escape, Arnold found himself sulkily munching his sandwich while holding a piece of raw meat to his face while his Grandpa made himself a plate of pancakes. This isn't how things should work out; he didn't want to have this conversation with anyone, not even himself! He shouldn't be surprised; things haven't been going his way for quite some time…
Ever since that idiot Brainy decided to meddle in their affairs!
No! That wasn't exactly true, Brainy had been a catalysis for the events of last night there was no doubt about it, but the truth was that before he knew about Brainy and Helga (bile rose up on his throat) he had already been sick for years. He had been sick since the FTi incident, he had let it fester inside him, corrupt him and change him until he turned into the ticking time bomb that exploded last night. So it wasn't all Brainy's fault, it was his as well, he should never have let things go this far, as soon as he realized that Helga had made him sick he should have cut her out his life immediately, it would have been hard then but it was impossible now!
He never should have allowed himself to be so caught up with someone like Helga.
"So Shortman you're going to tell me what happen?"
"It's… it is complicated Grandpa."
"Of course it's complicated! Its women! But you have to remember what I taught you, if you do that you'll do fine."
"…Never eat raspberries?"
"No! Not that advice! The other one! Follow your instincts."
I want to kill Brainy.
"I don't think that's going to help, Grandpa."
Not to mention his instincts were part of this mess. If only he had controlled them, if only he had suppressed them, he would have never used the FTi incident against Helga, he would never have danced with her and most of all he would never ever have kissed her.
This disease was so serious that his body was going haywire just by being around Helga.
His senses, so numb when he was around other people would sharpen considerably around Helga, to the point of almost getting drunk by her presence. His eyes would devour her form, he would hear her voice above all others, her laugh would tease his hears and her perfume intoxicate him and his body… his body that felt so cold and numb would roar back to life, the sudden fire melting a lifetime's worth of ice and he would feel… gods he could feel so intensely, so passionately that it consumed him with need, the raw need to be by her side, to feel more, to touch…
It was wrong. It was wrong to feel that way about Helga. It had ruined everything last night, it couldn't be done, these feelings were driving him crazy. Why Helga?
Of all people in this world why Helga?
His instincts were wrong. This need for Helga was wrong. This urgency they were showing him, the panic of losing her was wrong. Everything they were telling him to do was wrong! He had to think, that's what he should do, to think of a way to fix this of what he could say for Helga to forgive him, of a way of getting to talk to Helga so that he would at least have a chance to get things back to the way they were, it hadn't been perfect but it was better than nothing.
He finished his sandwich and got up to go back to his room.
"Shortman, denying who you are and want you truly want doesn't bring you any joy. By over thinking everything and suppressing your instincts you're going to miss many chances for something good to happen to you."
He felt a pit at the bottom of his stomach, why did he get the feeling that his Grandpa knew exactly what was going on?
"I don't know what you're talking about Grandpa."
He heard a sigh and felt a hand on his shoulder; he faced his Grandpa's serious gaze and noticed the youthful twinkle in his eyes.
"Listen Shortman I've been where you are so I'll tell you this: you can run, and you can hide, and you can even fight it till your very last strength but sooner or later it's going to catch up to you. So if I were you I would stop fighting by now and learn to accept it."
Now he was really confused, what was his Grandpa talking about? Accepting what? His crazy instincts? That he was never getting Helga back? What?
He walked out of that kitchen feeling even more lost that when he walked in.
He was so tired of all this.
What did he do now?
First of all he had to get Helga to talk to him and that was going to be hell. Helga was anything if stubborn; if she didn't want to talk to him he would have to basically move heaven and earth to get even a chance to try to make things better. Calling would useless; she would hang up before he could say a word, knocking at her door would be pointless, not to mention a more than probable face to face with Big Bob, which would result in his suppressing the urge to glare when he would call Helga "Olga" like it was some big effort to remember his second child's name, like Helga was just a shadow of her older sister instead of the unique, amazing girl she was, and then after all that Helga would slam the door on his face before he even said a word, he was sure of it.
So what could he do?
He needed someone on the inside, someone to convince Helga to listen to him, maybe Phoebe would help him. She was his friend, she was dating his best friend and if there was one person in this world that could even make Helga consider forgiving him that person was Phoebe.
He looked at the Grandfather watch in the hallway, 9.45, and Phoebe was an early riser it was perfect. He ran to his room, eager for privacy, he grabbed his phone and prepared to dial Phoebe's number.
What am I going?!
He dropped the phone in shock, what was he becoming?
It hadn't even been twenty-four hours and he was prepared to use Helga's friends to get her to talk to him, what was he some sort of creepy stalker?
This was simply sick, he didn't want to become this. It was weird and creepy and it was even creepier when he couldn't stop looking at his phone the temptation of making the call stronger by the second.
He wanted to fix things with Helga so badly, the thought of always being this awkward silence between them drove him to desperation, but did he really want to sink even lower in the dark pit, he had already destroyed his fragile relationship with Helga did he really want to pull one of their friends into their business? No, he didn't, even if he knew that Helga probably told Phoebe everything but it was different to confide in a friend from actually making that friend a part of the problem.
He didn't want other people's interference with him and Helga.
The same dark monster that had waited inside the ice didn't want other people's presence in his and Helga's relationship; it was a feeling of such possessiveness that he was shocked that he could actually feel such a thing. It didn't want the stain of others in their bond; his link with Helga was one of a kind no one could make him react the way he did to Helga. Their bond was unique, irreplaceable; he felt such an intense desire to protect it and to preserve it, he was afraid that if anything changed it would be destroyed forever.
That's why he had to fix this, to put things back to where they belonged, but he didn't to depend on others to fix things with Helga. This was between him and her and that was that.
He grabbed his phone again but this time the number he dialed was Helga's.
He could feel his heart beating inside his ribcage and wondered for a second if it was planning on escaping…
One ring… Two rings…
Time seemed to stretch on forever the space between every ring getting longer and longer until it seemed an eternity had passed.
She's not going to pick up is she?
And sure enough after a painfully long eternity he heard the usual synthetic voice telling the number wasn't available, he dropped on the bed, resting his head against his hands.
It's not like he wasn't expecting this to happen, he had known that the probability of her actually talking to him were very low, but it still hurt. The pain was small like pinching you finger in a needle but it was consistent, and it was driving him crazy. He closed his eyes and tried to force the pain away, it wasn't the first time she ignored him two years ago she ignored him for days because they had a fight about their history project. But back then he she would just pout for a while and then soon enough she would be teasing him about his "dorkness" at the lunch table again.
But back then he had known where they stood; he knew that no matter how much the argued or how much he complained about her to Gerald next day they would pick up their trays and sit across each other at lunch even if it was just to glare at each other, no matter how angry they were at each other they would still want to spend time together. But right now Helga wasn't angry at him, she was hurt, guilt welled up inside him, he had never hurt Helga in his life, never in his life had he wanted to hurt Helga.
However he did hurt her, he had made her cry, such incredible self-disgust was building up inside him, he actually felt dirty it was like a lifetime under a shower wouldn't clean him of the horrible deed he had committed. Now he was in uncharted waters, he had dived deep into the dark place of his soul and now he was lost. He didn't know what to do, he was so ashamed of what he had done, if could just turn back time to last night he would have done things so differently.
Underneath all the indifference he was showing to the others the truth was that he was scared, he was so scared that it would have been funny if the situation wasn't so miserable. Scared of what he was becoming, of what he had done, of the meaning of that arm wrapped around Helga's waist and most of all he was scared of Helga.
It wasn't the kind of fear he had when he was young, the fear of getting physically hurt, but now that Helga had so much power over his very being he was scared of just how many ways she could destroy him from the inside now. Last night when she left him alone in that lawn it had hurt, it had been the same pain as when he was reminded that he didn't have a mom and dad, like something had been slowly ripped away from him leaving him empty and alone. How could this be? How could Helga's rejection hurt him so deeply?
He didn't want things to be like this. He didn't want Helga to have this kind of power over him; he didn't want anyone to have this kind of power over him. It wasn't normal! How could so many of his emotions be entangled to somebody else? It shouldn't be like this! He didn't understand this! This disease was giving Helga the power to control his senses he couldn't let that happen! Why was this happening? If he couldn't fix things with Helga will it always feel like this? Like part of him was missing? Like his senses were numb? Like he was alone in a sea of people?
If he didn't get Helga back would he be lost forever?
He had to find out a cure for his condition before he ruined everything. He had been acting in a way that was so despicable, cold to his friends, mean to Helga, hiding things from his family, he didn't want this, he wanted things to go back to the way they were before, before last night, before FTi ever happened. He wanted to go back to the days were their interactions were stable and predictable, at that time he didn't there was a fire that burned on the inside, where her mere glance didn't sent his body on haywire, where he knew what reactions he would have to her antics, a time when he had been healthy.
There had been no fire in those days; he had been normal back then, he looked to beautiful girls like Lila and saw them, his heart would speed up and there would be butterflies on his stomach instead of the numbness, there was no dark pit, no passionate feelings, Helga had been nothing but a bully that sometimes was his friend. She had been nothing but a torn on his side, before FTi he knew that if Helga left he would have missed her; he might have even tried to get her back but he would have not felt the fear and the loneliness he did now.
Back then Helga had not the power to hurt him like this.
…Only to drive you crazy with her antics.
He ignored that little voice in his head, he had to find a way a cure, to remove all the power he had given Helga. The first step would be to get their relationship back to the way it was and then he would try to exorcise this feelings from his body, he would ignore them and work on them, maybe even start dating again until his body and mind were finally clean of Helga's influence. And after some time he was sure that the fire would extinguish and Helga's place in his life would once again become defined and normal, finally everything would be as it was supposed to be.
He glanced at the phone in his hand.
But before he had to fix things with her or else he would never sleep peacefully ever again.
He dialed Phoebe's number and waited, so nervous that he was actually shaking.
Please… oh please… please…
"Good Morning."
Phoebe's soft voice was to him a beacon of hope; surely she could convince Helga to talk to him.
"Hey Phoebe its Arnold! Listen I was wondering… last night Helga and I… had a fight and now she's not talking to me…"
Every word struggled to get out of his throat, to even give someone the slightest hint of what happened last night was rushing all of his blood to his face and making it pulse with heat and shame.
"Helga doesn't want to talk to you."
The cold, merciless tone on Phoebe's usually soft and meek voice had the effect of a bucket of freezing ice cold water on his body, he jumped out of bed and gripped tightly almost as if he wanted to shatter it, panic was rising again, if Phoebe wouldn't help him…
Then what would he do?
"I know, I know I messed up and I'm really sorry so could you please just talk to her! Tell her I want to apologize, tell her…"
The deep disappointed sigh cut his tirade short, desperation was clawing at his chest and he held his breath waiting for Phoebe's next words.
"You just don't get it do you?"
And then she hung up.
He threw the phone away in anger, he felt like screaming, he wanted to break everything in his room, his hands flew into his hair and had half a mind to rip it off. He paced around the room like a caged beast, he felt like a beast in man's skin, he was losing control, anger and frustration had teamed up with fear to push him into insanity.
He was tired of cryptic words of strange feelings, why didn't things made sense for once?!
What do I do now?
What do I do?
Somebody please tell me what can I do!
He was so sick of this…
In hurried steps and with just a few words of goodbye he left his home and took the street that was the fastest way to Helga's house. He just didn't care anymore; he was prepared to bang against her front door and tormenting Big Bob until she agreed to talk to him.
He just wanted to fix this.
I just want her back!
He rushed through the streets, uncaring of his surroundings, the only thing he cared about now was when he was going to see that familiar house and when what he was going to say to that woman.
"What happened?!"
The angry scream broke him out of his musings and he turned around to face the angry form of Gerald, the other boy was rushing to him, anger present in every tense muscle of his imposing height yet in his eyes there was distinct note of worry.
He stopped while his best friend drew near, the monster inside him snarling at this interruption, anger against the barrier on his way to Helga and once again he controlled himself and felt disgust for feeling such a way towards his best friend.
Gerald was several inches taller than him, strong and athletic he had grown to resemble his brother Jamie-O, compared to him Arnold was miniscule but still they stood staring angrily at each other, when Gerald proceeded his voice was much lower but no less furious.
"What happened last night?"
He spoke slowly, like he was talking to a child and that just made him angrier.
"It is none of your business Gerald."
"None of my business?! Phoebe is furious! She won't even talk to me because she's afraid that I'll go and tell you!"
He was so tired of people sticking their nose in his and Helga's business, so tired of feeling like others knew more than him.
"Listen man I have been very patient about this whole you and Helga drama and I've tried to help out. But when your crazy messed up relationship starts to mess with my normal one that is where I put my foot down!"
How dare he?
"What do you know about me and Helga?"
His voice dripped with poison, he was so sick of this.
Gerald gave a frustrated gasp and his hands gripped his hair tightly he turned to look both ways in a crazed frantic way and finally seemed to explode.
"Oh for Heaven's sake! You're in love with Helga!"
WHAT?
His whole body became tense and taunt with shock, every nerve in his body stood on edge, everything had stopped he couldn't even feel his heartbeat his brain had gone into complete shutdown unable to wrap around Gerald's words.
It didn't made sense.
"What?"
His words had been soft and said with great effort, his body still struggling to process Gerald's ridiculous words. Gerald looked at him his face incredulous, for a moment he didn't know who was more shocked him or Gerald.
"Arnold… you seriously haven't realized it yet?"
"I… I don't know what you're talking about Gerald."
He took a step back, he didn't want to listen to this and he didn't have to listen to this, he wasn't in love with Helga throughout this emotional hellhole this was the one truth he had been holding on to. He wanted to run away, he was prepared to bolt, all he was achieving with this was to lose time, he had to get to Helga and apologize so that he could make things go back to the way they were before, but Gerald's hands gripped his shoulders.
"Arnold, look at the way you've been acting, really look at it! Are you honestly telling me that you didn't have a clue?"
He tried to break his friend's hold on his shoulders, it wasn't true, none of that was true, he couldn't be in love with Helga he just couldn't. He knew he'd been acting normal but he was sick! That was it! He was sick and confused but he wanted to fix it so things could go back to normal, he was furious that Gerald was trying to confuse him more, he didn't need this right now.
"Is that what you think?! That I'm in love with Helga?"
"That's what everyone thinks!"
Another shock, he didn't think he could handle it anymore; it was all too much…
"Arnold everyone knows! Me, Phoebe, the entire gang, hell even your grandpa! The only one who wasn't figured it out yet is you!"
He was chocking on his own rage, the only reason he hadn't hit the face in front of him was because it was Gerald's, his brother, and he couldn't ruin his relationship with him either. But what he had said mortified him, suddenly all those whispers, all those looks made sense, they weren't finding his behavior strange, they thought he was broken hearted because Helga… (the pain was immense) … Helga had left with Brainy.
He was so tired of this.
With a shove he pushed Gerald back and ran as fast as he could, he could hear Gerald calling him but he did not stop. He had to run away, he just couldn't deal with all this. The fact that they all thought that… he and Helga… they were wrong, they were just wrong. He wasn't in love with Helga, he just couldn't be. The turmoil inside him was destroying every notion, every certainty that he had, but not this one.
He and Helga would never work out together, of that he was sure. They were so different, they clashed against each other in so many issues, how could someone even think that they would be good together? They argued all the time, worse of all there was a part of him that liked arguing with Helga, a primal, deep part of him that craved the battle, a part of him actually got excited at the thought of his will against hers, his wit against hers, his body seemed to go on overdrive on those moments and he would move run only by instinct. How could two people so passionately against each other be in love?
No, this wasn't love, love couldn't be like this. Love could never be this painful or confusing. What he felt for Helga was complex but it couldn't be love, he would never get a moments rest if he loved Helga, she was so different, so combative, so complicated how could he love her? He and Helga didn't fit, there were too many obstacles: different tastes, different upbringings, different views on life, different moral codes, they clashed like night and day, cats and dogs. It couldn't be love.
It would be a mistake to fall in love with Helga, a colossal mistake. Everything would change forever if he did that. If he and Helga for some reason ever got together it would be a disaster, he was sure of it. They would fight and argue and drive each other crazy and then when they finally broke up there would be nothing to salvage from the wreckage, not even their friendship. Everything would be lost, he would lose Helga permanently. It was better for things to remain as they were, if he messed things with Helga permanently he would never forgive himself.
As he ran he kept repeating to himself desperately, fervently.
He wasn't in love with Helga.
He wasn't in love with Helga.
He wasn't in love with Helga.
He wasn't in love with Helga.
Maybe if he said it enough times it would make it true.
Well here it is and I must admit I'm a bit insecure about this chapter. Gerald's confrontation with Arnold is making me really nervous but I thought it was about time somebody said what we are all thinking. Love is a strange powerful thing and some people just don't handle it in the right way, and being such a great thing love can be quite a scary emotion.
Please let me know what you think.
See you next time.