Hello, I'm sorry this chapter took so long to post but since I started to work I've had less time to write and too exhausted and when I do have the time.
I'm sorry to say that you shouldn't expect updates anytime soon, my computer is broken so I'm uploading this using a friend's so I won't be able to write for a while. I'm sorry.
I hope you enjoy this chapter and please forgive my grammatical and spelling errors.
I do not, in any way, own Hey Arnold!
Chapter V: Letting Go
He ran through the still mostly empty streets, he ran without care, he ran without purpose, he just ran until he could fool himself into believing that the acute pain in his chest came from running and not from the painful truth that was drawing nearer and nearer.
He could feel it coming, like watching an accident happen in slow motion and you couldn't do a thing about it, he was helpless and soon there would be no place to hide anymore. Gerald said that everybody around him though the same, all around him there had been those looks pity and now he knew why, he could still feel them, those gazes chasing him, pushing him into a corner. So he kept running, darting objects, crossing streets, unable to stop and moving by instinct.
When he finally calmed down enough to notice his surroundings he noticed the familiar street, and the familiar house. He stopped and let out a deep groan, figures his instincts would lead him straight to her. He stared at that familiar door, knowing that behind it was the cause of his turmoil, she was so close, so close that he was almost sure he could see a glimpse of her behind the curtains of the Pataki living room. She was right there, he was sure of it, he felt his blood heating, his body tingling, she was near him.
But Gerald's words were still fresh on his mind and he feared that if he saw her now he would be influenced by them and he would do something stupid, he was sure of it.
He was too confused to see Helga; everything that he planned on saying to her to fix things had been blown away by the force of Gerald's words. He didn't know what to do, he was scared, and if he saw Helga he might lose all the control he had left. Helga could always awaken the primeval side of him and in this state of confusion he was sure that the slightest action from her would have his instincts take over.
He needed to leave now! He had to walk away and wait for a moment when he would be more in control to talk to her, he had to think carefully about what he was going to say and plan the situation so that he would have a chance of winning this fight.
Right now that couldn't be done, he could barely think straight much less plan something to win against Helga, he was too confused, too frightened, too fragile and too close. He could see her profile through the curtains; he would know it anywhere, he so close only a few steps separated him from her. How did she look like? Was she tired as well? Had she had nightmares like him? Would her long blonde hair be disheveled, bags under her big blue eyes and her face sour and cranky as she drank her morning coffee?
Or was he thinking too highly of himself by assuming that she was as disturbed by the events of last night as he was and in fact she had slept like a baby? Was he worried for nothing? Would he see her perfectly composed and refreshed like she was very morning?
He wanted to leave, he should leave but his body refused to obey him, his feet had a mind of their own and refused to leave when they were so close to their target. He felt furious at his body's rebellion; it seemed that everyone was against him, even himself. So he stayed rooted to that stop on the sidewalk, unable to make his body leave, but still possessing enough control over it to stop it from giving into the temptation of approaching her.
He was stunned, he was actually glued to the sidewalk by the mere glace of her, how pathetic could he get? What was wrong with him? It was just Helga! The same Helga who once poured paint on him, the same Helga who still found it amusing to spit spitballs at him, the Helga he had known all of his life! He had sat in front of her during most of their school years, he had eaten beside her. How he could be so nervous about meeting someone that had spent most of their lives by his side?
And that was just it, as powerful as the sight of her tears last night had been to him, Gerald's words didn't taint that memory, that reminder of her pain was pristine; it had become an untouchable scar in his soul. It was all the others, they were becoming tainted, all the times she put glue in his chair, the April Fools Dance, the time she was his partner for the science project, all the times he had seen her at her best and at her worst were gaining a new meaning. Everyone of his interactions with her were being scrutinized by his own mind, against his will he was doing exactly what Gerald told him to do, he was recalling all of their interactions and reevaluating them, giving them new meaning, new dept.
The corruption was unstoppable, the slightest moment of tenderness between them, the most insignificant argument were taking on an astronomical level. All those moments of sadness and happiness had been engraved in his mind over the years. All those precious bittersweet moments were turning against him, pushing and pulling him closer to that cruel monster called Truth, no matter how much he fought it was coming closer. Bigger, darker, more powerful at every second, it would crush him if he touched it, he was sure of it, the second he acknowledged it's presence it would pounce and kill every chance of putting his relationship back on track. Everything would change there would be no way to turn, nowhere to hide; there would be no more solid ground, just the unknown.
The frightening, horribly big unknown…
Right now there was a war raging inside him. A bloody battle, between two mortal enemies, the part of him that wanted to turn around and leave before it could cause more damage, but the other… the other was tempted, it wanted to give in to the unknown, dive head first and hope for the best. That nature of his to look always on the bright side was eager to dive in deep, certain that maybe the change would be good, that if he risked a bit it might turn out for the best.
But he couldn't risk it; he couldn't put all on the line for just for a hope for the best, Helga… Helga was just too precious to be gambled with. He couldn't risk everything, better to have something than nothing. Wasn't that better? To remain by her side even if he was restrained was better than to be forced to watch from afar. He just wanted her back, by his side, snickering at him like usual, he just wanted to be cured form this sickness and get everything back to normal.
Normality was where Helga always sat beside him at lunch, normality was where when he turned a corner on the street the chances were that they would bump into each other. It was place where Helga was always there, by his side, a place where there the probability of Helga abandoning him was zero. Like when they were children…
Like when she was in love with me.
That's exactly what he wanted, the monster within was desperate with need, it wanted Helga in love with him again. What a selfish possessive creature it was! To want Helga so terribly, want her all to himself, to want to go back to the times when Helga had chased after him. What a dark terrible thing to want Helga's love in such a greedy way, to crave her in such a fervent manner, such a deep feeling, such passionate cravings. He wished he could kill it, remove it from his body like a tumor. But it was impossible now… it had become a part of him, it had made needing Helga as natural as breathing.
This had to stop. The game had gone on for long enough and what had it accomplished? He had changed, every certainty he had about who he was and what he was capable of had been shaken to their very core, and now his whole view of his bond with Helga had been forced a new place. Worse of all was the way he had acted towards Helga, he had hurt her, been cruel to her, teased her, tricked her, forcefully kissed her… He had acted…
Like Helga.
The fire that had caused havoc inside him for so long went almost out in a second so was the shock of that realization. All this time he had been asking himself what was he doing and worrying about what he was becoming when the answer had been within him all along, hiding right underneath his nose, lost in his memories unwilling to come out. Now he saw what he truly was: an older, more intense version of the angry child he had spent most of his childhood with.
How did he not see it before?
The attitude, the aggression, the hatred for Brainy, the kiss, his behavior had been so alike the one of that of the young Helga, how could he have been so blind? Helga was been such a prominent presence in his life, he had spent most of his boyhood trying (unsuccessfully) to avoid her because of exactly this behavior. No wonder he had freaked Helga out! He had been acting like Helga when she had been in love with him…
His mind wrapped around those words and didn't let go, no matter how much he had tried to diminish their importance he could not lie to himself anymore.
He was acting like Helga… when she had been in love.
He was acting… in love.
Oh God no!
No longer stuck to his spot on the sidewalk, he backed away from that house, scared of who was in it, of what she meant to him.
No! No! No! Please no!
That's all he could think of. It was impossible for him to have another reaction. He backed away until his back hit the wall of the house.
He was trapped; he had nowhere to turn to, and no more lies to hide in. The truth had come, unwanted, despised, like a tsunami it had crashed over him, destroying everything in its path, completely annihilating that last precious bit of certainty that he had been holding onto to so fervently.
What had he done?
How stupid could he be? How blind? How arrogant? There had to be a limit on how tick a person could be! The way he felt, the way he acted… Everybody had seen it before him!
He staggered, his legs unable to stand the weight of the body, his skin flushed from the run had become a deathly white and had broken out in cold sweat. The disease had reached its final stage, consuming body and mind in a single terrific attack. What to do? How to act? He didn't know, he was lost, completely and utterly lost, never before had he felt like this, so scared and alone in this vast world, this was too big for him to take on…
His feelings for Helga hadn't changed a bit, except that now he knew what to name them; the disease had finally a name…
No!
He didn't want this! He had never wanted this! This would ruin everything! Nothing could ever end well with this.
How could he have been so stupid?!
Helga! Really?!
There were millions of sane, normal, baggage-free woman in this whole world, millions of nice sweet girls, and he… he just had to…
He couldn't even admit it.
What the hell was wrong with him?
This wasn't normal, it couldn't be normal. This cocktail of strong passionate feelings couldn't be what he was thinking it was it just couldn't! He never imagined it could be like this, never in his wildest dreams could he ever conceived it could be like this. It was impossible, how could anyone crave this? This was Hell! Did everyone besides him knew this?! And this still wanted it?!
It such a mixture of opposite emotions creating a war inside him: he had never been so sure of what he wanted in his life and yet he had never been so afraid of achieving it, so unsure if this was the right thing to feel. He glanced at that house, she was right there behind those walls but to him she was a thousand miles away, untouchable and unreachable. He wanted to walk through that front door, take her in arms and just confess everything hopping she would accept him, however any chance of him actually doing that were ruined by the incredibly powerful urge to run away.
He was desperate, a step away from panic with so many antagonistic emotions inside of him he had no idea what to do. There was a battle raging inside him; one where there could be no winner, any path he took would leave him with regrets.
Somebody up there definitively hates my guts…
It was the only logical explanation; there was absolutely no reason for this other than it was some sort of cosmic joke. Of all people in this world Helga, it just had to be Helga…
He waited and waited but he could not calm his erratic heartbeat. It was not as if he didn't saw Helga's good qualities, she was creative, intelligent, witty, loyal, resourceful, and being with her was always an adventure. He loved spending time with her; he loved going to the movies with her even knowing that she still made gagging noises during the mushy parts, he never learned a subject so well as when he studied with Helga by his side…
He chuckled.
Helga had always been by his side, for the good and the bad she had always been by his side, sometimes without his knowledge. She was the most constant woman in his life, his mother had disappeared years ago, his Grandma didn't seem to be all there, every crush he had had almost always faded away, but Helga had always been there. The last time he had felt that connected to a girl it had been in that Valentine Days date, Cecile and she didn't even tell him her real name…
He was smiling, it took him quite a while to notice it but when he did he didn't have the energy to be shocked anymore. She had made him smile, even in the middle of his angst riddled thoughts the memories he had of Helga always made him smile.
He was going to stop being stupid, he was going to stop being a coward. And he was definitively not going to lose Helga, he still didn't have a plan but he didn't care about that anymore, he just wanted to see her. He missed her, he actually missed her, he was sure that she would know what to do, after all she had gone through this before. He had to see her…
A shadow, it moved to stand right in front of him and for a moment his body tensed with fear it was Helga, he wanted to speak to her but he couldn't stop the twinge of apprehension. So reluctantly he raised his eyes to confront her…
His face full of fear and hope twisted into a snarl full of hatred, his body sprang to life an in a single jump he was off the ground, tense, ready for battle. If any of his friends saw him they would be shocked, he looked like a wild animal, ready to pounce and shred the obstacle in his way. His blood was singing in his body, full of lust for combat. The very air he breathed seemed saturated with rage and hatred. The other was glaring, and he felt a pulse of joy running through his body, he wanted to fight too.
He never thought he could feel like this, so untamed, so out of control. The memory of that arm wrapped around her waist like it belonged there, polluting her image, the fact that that face, that ugly wheezing face, had been close to hers; almost close enough to kiss her, to taint her had the bile rising in his throat.
"What do you want Brainy?"
"I want you to leave Helga alone."
He growled, the shear nerve of that…
"What? What did you say?"
How dare he? How dare he? He had ruined everything! They had a balance before, but then Brainy had come along and took Helga from him. It was all Brainy's fault.
"Stay away from her, she doesn't want to see you. "
Son of a…
It was probably true he knew that, but to hear it from him felt like a stab in his chest. It hurt to think that she had told Brainy the details of their relationship, Phoebe he could accept, but Brainy was an outsider, he didn't belong. Messing with their relationship, giving him orders, being near Helga, Brainy shouldn't be allowed any of those things, he was just an outsider. Rage rose to cover up the pain, he wouldn't show any weakness, not to him at least.
He pushed of the wall and took a few steps forward, making sure to bump aggressively into Brainy's shoulder on his way; he fought a grin when he felt him stagger a little from the impact.
He was burning and shaking, like he had a bad fever, his mind was foggy and it was impossible to think straight, his body was tense filled with anticipation but for what? What was he waiting for? This wasn't him, he had never acted like this, never felt like this, Brainy wasn't his friend, at this point all the memories he had of their childhood were worthless compared to those of the last few days, the fact that he had interfered, that he had become so close to her was, in his eyes, a crime, a betrayal, something that made him the most despised being on earth.
"If Helga doesn't want to see me she can tell me herself."
A hand clutched his shoulders, stopping him from walking away. The monster in him was so close of escaping; it was just waiting for an opening, a sign…
"Don't you care?! Don't you see what you have done?!She doesn't want to see you so leave her alone!"
He turned to face the other boy; all in all it had been the longest sentence Brainy had ever uttered without wheezing, before such a performance would have shocked him but now it just pushed him closer to that edge. The way he talked, like he had any right to order him around, like it was his right to interfere, he talked as if he knew in detail all of Helga's desires, as if he understood her better than anyone.
How he despised that little creepy weasel…
"Oh so you speak for Helga now? Funny, since you can barely speak for yourself?!"
That got to him, the wheezing became more pronounced, his flesh paled only to flush a deep red right after and his fist clenched. He observed those reactions with glee, so close, they were both so close to the dark pit, and how he wanted to fall, to give free reign to those dark urges, to finally be unleashed…
"You want me to speak for myself? Fine! I'll tell you exactly what I think…"
He took a step closer.
"You are an arrogant bastard…"
He felt a growl rising in his throat, the shear nerve of this sniveling nothing.
"… You never cared, you never saw her. You just ran after those pretty, empty-headed girls and just saw her as a nuisance."
"That's a lie!" He snarled.
How dared he? He knew nothing! He didn't know what it was like! To look at her, to want to look at anything else yet only seeing her, to only hear her voice, only feeling her touch even when he tried so hard to ignore it. What did Brainy knew of being entirely dependent on her… Brainy might care for Helga, might even love her but if she left he would move on, hurt and wounded but he would carry on and possibly, with time, bounce back. Could he do the same?
He never had Helga, but he wasn't sure that he could continue without her. Even if she would never love him again, maybe that chance was gone, and he wouldn't blame her. If she left him forever, could he go on? Could he just carry on? Just go on with his life, hopping that time would heal his wounds, but knowing that there would always be that scar, that we could try to have a healthy relationship with some other girl but in the back of his mind there would be that voice, whispering…
What if she was Helga?
What it would be like if I was with Helga?
I want to be with Helga.
No. He wouldn't move on. He could try, but the emptiness would be inside him forever she would always be in the back of his mind, he would always dream of her and long for her. Without Helga he was incomplete… Without her he was a shadow of what he could be, just some pathetic guy who was missing something. Lila had been right, he could no longer part from Helga, even if she refused him, even if she chose Brainy all that he wanted was to remain by her side. Even if she didn't want him, he would always be there for her.
"Really?! Then why now Arnold? Why now when she is finally moving forwards?"
He didn't know why, he didn't know how! He had been fighting it for so long; he hadn't even realized he had been fighting it. But he had struggled, foolishly and stupidly he had fought all the way and for what?
All he had accomplished with this drama was to lose Helga and make himself miserable. Helga was with Brainy that was a fact he could not escape, and he had no right to interfere with their relationship.
But he would not tolerate this! He would not tolerate those lies! And that ugly bastard better not dare to try to poison Helga with his crap! If he did…
If he dares blood will flow…
"You know what I think? I think you enjoy making her miserable, I bet it stroked your ego to show up with Lila in your arms while she was left alone…"
"Shut up."
How dare he?
How could anyone think that he would feel pleasure in Helga's misery! Those tears… the tears he caused were a constant stab of pain and shame… a regret he would carry for the rest of his life.
He looked at that foul little creature, at that talking dirt standing there on the sidewalk that had the nerve to spout out such poison…
So this is hatred…
He had never felt it before, he was surprised on how nice it felt. To be able to direct all of his loathing, all of this repulsion to the boy was very satisfactory. Never did he thought that he could feel such a complete lack of care for another human being's wellbeing. He didn't care if Brainy lived or died as long as he got out of his way.
"… who knew that Mr. Nice Guy could be such a miserable piece of shit? Well no more Football He…"
His fist flew hitting that stupid face and cutting of that disgusting voice before he could even consider it.
That was Helga's name for him. Helga's and no one else, he would be six feet under before he let that creepy thing use it, defile it.
He was Helga's Football Head and nobody else's
He watched with satisfaction as that thing fell onto the cold hard ground. All the frustration of the last days, all the panic and restless nights, all the aggression were coming forth and focusing on that pathetic being.
"You know what? I think you know that no matter how hard you try you'll always be second place. That deep down you know that since I was Helga's first love she'll always remember me, but you… in a few years you'll just be that creepy little kid that she took on a pity date once."
He couldn't help the smile on his face, couldn't help but the deep dark pleasure at seeing Brainy's anger, his hatred obvious on that pointy face.
Let the monster come out, he didn't care anymore! Let it consume him and use him at will he was tired of fighting it. What had fighting himself had gotten him anyway! Nothing but misery.
All his life he had been the nice guy but now for once he was going to let go, he had already fallen so low what could a few meters more do?!
So he watched and he waited, anticipation making every cell in his body sing with pent up energy.
And when Brainy jumped back on his feet and punched him in the stomach, underneath all the anger and pain one thought stood out and the beast purred.
Finally
And then he attacked.
Before anyone asks Arnold is not going to kill Brainy, he is just really angry.
Once again I apologize for the lack of updates.
Please review, it will really lift my spirits to know that this story is not forgotten.