First let me just say: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Second: I'm so very sorry for taking so bloody long to update, I have so many projects to deliver and finals to study for it's been a mess. A hellish, stressing mess… But please don't give up on this story.
Third: I do not own Hey Arnold!
On with the story.
Chapter VII - Time, Our Enemy
It was hard. One of the hardest things he had ever done in his life.
He looked back at that time, those eight years ago, on how confused he had been, how desperate he had been to make it all go way and just pretend it had never existed, yet he had been a bit happy. In the most hidden part of his soul there had been a tiny grain of sand that found joy to know that he wasn't hated… that she didn't hate him.
But he couldn't deal with her, and he couldn't deal with her feelings. So it had been better for him if they just pretended it never happened.
All his life people had told him that his faults were that he was too kind, too willing to help, too soft spoken to stand up for himself, but they had been wrong, they had all missed his greatest fault.
He was selfish.
He was incredibly, undeniably, totally selfish.
People thought he was generous, that he was kind and he was, at least a part of him was. But those people had never understood his relationship with Helga.
And how much of it was driven by his selfishness.
It had always been like this, even before the FTi incident. He avoided Helga, told everyone he wanted nothing to do with her but the moment Helga stepped out of line, the moment she did something unusual or seemed that she was troubled, there he was by her side. Advising, guiding her and defending her, for those brief moments he treated her as his friend and then he just went back to complaining about her.
He had always been selfish towards her.
During the FTi a new kind of selfishness arrised. A darker, more mature one, it was the monster that had tormented him with a deep visceral need and the crushing urge to possess. To possess her.
He had never answered Helga feelings, how could he when at that time he had no idea what to feel about her? But he had never refused her either. He just pretended it didn't happen.
He didn't say yes but he never told her no either. He just kept them at a standstill, ignoring her feelings, denying her the closure.
How it must have hurt her, to have her feelings ignored in such a way. Now that he knew what love was, how intense it could be, how powerful he knew that it must have hurt in some way to have all those feelings ignored, like they simply didn't matter.
He had told himself that it had been for the best, it was ridiculous to even conceive to ever liking someone like Helga.
So why didn't he just refused her? Why not just tell her sorry, I don't feel the same way? Why not give her that closure so that she might move on?
Because as much he hadn't want to like Helga, he hadn't want her to stop liking him either.
Not because it stroked his ego, like Brainy had so delicately put it, but because he wanted her love, he had craved it with a sick need. His mind had wrapped around her words of love like a snake, refusing to let go. Giddy and disbelieving his nine-year-old self had thought: she loved him, she loved him, him… him who had always believed she despised him.
Even now, he was as selfish as that nine year-old boy. Still wanting her love, her attention, to know that she craved him like he craved her without giving too much of himself in return, without exposing himself to pain and heartbreak.
He had not been happy with the standstill but he had been content on letting it go on. Biding his time, believing ignorantly that she would always be there for him while he slowly crawled towards the realization that he loved her back just as desperately.
It was only when he found out about Brainy that this diseased cycle, unable to withstand this introduction, had finally broken down but even then his selfishness had always been present.
He had wanted her away from Brainy, he wanted her to stay away from anyone that might take her from his side. Brainy had been a gruesome wakeup-call to his delusions. But even in the center of that turmoil of pain and anger he had not the courage or the maturity to admit that he wanted her.
Even now, in this quiet moment, when it was only them and the silence, this moment, so pure and so precious his greediness spoke and he knew what he wanted.
He wanted Helga to say that she loved him, that she had always loved him and that she would end things with Brainy to be with him. Wanted to hold her in arms, feeling her warm and soft body molding against his, knowing that nothing could make him let go, and he wanted her to hold him too, comforting him, and taming the dark monster in his soul as only she could.
Yes, he was selfish and greedy and maybe he would always be.
But he was not going to let his faults control him anymore.
In his ignorance and selfishness he had hurt Helga. So focused he was on seeing her relationship with Brainy as a betrayal, so possessive he was of their bond, horrified that anyone would defile it somehow that he had been working diligently to destroy it.
He knew what he wanted to happen, he knew how he felt but Helga was her own person, a thinking capable human being, he had no right to impose his ideals on her.
As much as he yearned for her passion, he had no right to demand it.
He had been so horrible, so cruel and hurtful that he knew that even in his old age he would look back at his actions with a deep regret and shame.
There was no way to change the past and undo all the harm he had done. All he could do was learn from it and from that knowledge control his darker impulses.
No more running, no more games, no more blaming and no more selfishness.
He would be honest with her and hope she would be honest with him.
He would bear himself to her, present the secret corners of his soul to her to see and for her to do as she wished.
He was afraid of that, of giving her all that power. Afraid that she might shatter him beyond recognition, and that he would come out of this bathroom broken and alone but he had to accept the risks that came with loving someone so passionately and thrust Helga to do what she thought was best.
Acceptance or refusal it was her decision and no matter what her choice would be he would accept it without complain.
It was time to stop being that selfish little boy.
He took a deep breath.
"I love you."
Her blue eyes became wide, he heard a soft gasp and felt the shaking of that soft hand.
"You were right, that night, I was jealous of Brainy. I was hurt and angry and I didn't understand and I took it all out on you..."
"Since when…?"
Her voice was quiet and fragile but still broke his rambling.
"Since when have you been in love with me?"
Now that was a question to ponder at… since when?
Only recently had he realized that he loved her, before he had just thought of it has a disease, a curse he had to get rid of at any cost. So when?
Had it been when he realized that she was with Brainy? No. No. It had been long before that. He had been sick for so long but it had been a progressive sickness, consuming him slowly painfully inch by inch so it was hard to pinpoint an exact moment. But when? When had it started? When had he gone from fascination and passion to being in love?
"I don't know. Since this morning… since that time I offered you my umbrella and complimented you on your cute pink bow." He smiled at the tender memory, so precious, so innocent and the beginning of something so complex. "I really don't, I've feeling this way for such a long time but I have just understood what they were."
She got up, took a step back, hands covering her blue eyes and she turned her back to him. For a moment he thought she was going to walk away like the night before and tried to get up to stop her but that would have been selfish and forceful, he had to trust her… he did trust her. So fighting against his urges he sat back and watched her, waiting for her.
The silence of the house was oppressive almost crushing. What he wouldn't give for something, anything to break the heavy silence.
One minute went by.
Then two.
Then three.
And Helga just stood there, back turned, hands covering her face. Like a statue in a museum, and he just watched her, he didn't dare to imagine what might come next, he only hoped that she didn't find his feelings disgusting or something to be despised.
"I can't believe this."
He paled, were things between them so shattered, so irreparable that she didn't even believe in the honesty of his feelings? Let her believe them, she might not feel the same way but let her believe them!
His heart was fluttering like a baby bird, flapping his wings desperately only to fall to the ground the next moment and then clumsily trying to go fly again. He was tired and his bruises were throbbing with every movement with and every expression but it was incredibly difficult to sit still and just wait. She was sad, she was confused and he wanted to wrap her in his arms and comfort her, tell her that everything was alright but it couldn't be. He was weak to temptation and he was afraid that if he made such a movement he would try to manipulate the odds in his favor.
Helga was in control not him.
"After all these years, after I spent my entire childhood obsessed with you, after all we've been through… Now… Now! Is when you decide that you're in love with me? I when I try so hard to break free you decide to pull me back in!"
She laughed, not her usual mocking, vibrant, full of life laugh but a shaky, broken one. Like the laughter of a mad person.
He wished he could apologize, he wished he could beg for forgiveness for doing this to her, for feeling this way however as much as he regretted his actions and the distress he was causing her, he could not say he was sorry for the way he felt.
That laughter chilled him to the bone and ignoring the pain he stood up and grabbed her shoulders. She let him turn her around and softly pull her hands away from her face. She wasn't crying but there was such fragility in that face, such confusion and pain that he was instantly reminded of that lonely little girl, standing alone in the rain because her parents didn't care.
The sight of her distress was becoming too much for him and he fervently wished he could protect her from it. For a few crazy seconds he considered taking it all back and just pretend nothing had ever happened.
They need this. They needed to end this.
But it was so hard to just watch her.
He saw her confusion, her pain and before he could stop himself his arms had wrapped themselves around her shoulders pulling her to him, hoping to ease her pain.
For a minute she accepted. For a single, perfect, precious minute she let him pull her closer to him, for one minute he felt warm and whole, this… how he wanted this, this warmth. He could feel so much with just this simple hug, so much, her warmth, her shaking, smell her hair. He could feel her heart beating, so quickly against his chest. He was fascinated by it, by that little fluttering thumping, it was comforting, to feel her so warm so alive against him. She fit perfectly against him and he fit perfectly against her.
It felt so good.
He wished it didn't have to end, he wished they could just stay like this.
Just a little more time. Please! Just a little bit.
But time is always our enemy and soon that precious minute had passed.
"No."
He felt her hands pushing against his chest, she wasn't using much strength but it was a sign for him to back off and he wasn't going to make her uncomfortable.
He let go of her and stepped away.
He shouldn't have done that, he shouldn't have touched her.
Just a few moments ago he had decided not to do anymore selfish things, not to pressure her or bother her in any way, but here he was and the selfish monster within him was raging against him for letting her go. His body missed her touch and was desperate to do it again. He could hear it snarling, ordering…
To press her against him again, to run his hands across her back to finally burry them in her hair, the hair that always teased him with its softness and that always caught his eye when it shimmered in the sum like molten gold. He wanted to keep feeling that strong heartbeat beating with his. To kiss her with all the passion and longing he felt for her.
But he couldn't.
So he held himself back.
"I'm sorry"
He wished he didn't have to apologize for holding her.
But wishing and hoping would solve nothing, he had made so many mistakes and been so selfish that he had no right to demand anything from her.
"I can't do this anymore Arnold."
She looked at him and he felt the weight of her stare and all the hope that had been growing inside him died. Her gaze was direct, brutal and real, she had decided. Like a man on trial, knowing the evidence was all against him he waited for the conviction that was sure to come.
"I want to grow up Arnold." She looked around, at those walls, at that house and at her life. "I want to become an adult. To grow up as fast as I can, so I can leave…"
She looked at him and for the first time she willingly showed him what she had hidden so well all her life using anger and bullying and sarcasm. He saw the face of an abandoned child, tuff, full of bravery and resilience and the shear will to survive and be free but also full of anguish and envy of others and a deep desperate need for love.
"I want to leave and never come back."
"Helga…"
"No! Don't start! Don't even dare start one of your forgive and forget speeches, okay? You don't know what it's like, you don't!"
"I understand Helga."
She stopped and stared at him, shocked and suspicious.
But he smiled, it was a sad smile full of understanding and a bit of Helga's own expression was there, the pain of an abandoned child.
"I know it's not the same, my situation is all a lot different than yours but…" Tell her the truth, bare your soul, and share your pain maybe that will make it a bit better. "When I think about my parents I get angry. It's true!"
She still looked a bit doubtful but she was quiet and still, silently urging him to go on.
"I never told this to anyone, but sometimes when I think about them, about what they did I get really angry. They left, they just left and never came back, I know they didn't plan on it and I know they wanted to come back but they left…. And it hurts, and then I get so angry because I needed them too. I was just a baby and I needed them and they left. There are loads of scientist and explorers and people that could have helped the Green Eyes but I only had one Mom and Dad. A parent, a good parent, should put their child first! Not just leave their baby behind not knowing when they'll come back."
He realized he was shouting, his long restrained emotions flowing like a tidal wave, there was a tear running down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. He shouldn't have yelled.
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright."
He turned away, ashamed. Ashamed for feeling this way, for being so selfish and ashamed for exposing such a disgusting part of himself to her
"Arnold, it's alright."
And he understood what she was saying.
It's alright to feel this way.
"We're human Arnold. No matter how good and honest you are you're still human, there are things that hurt you, that leave scars on you. I have them too." She looked around again, sad and defeated.
He wanted to stop her from continuing, he knew what came next he could see it in the stiffness in her form, in the strength mixed with a little guilt he could see in her eyes. The moment was approaching, the moment were he would become incomplete, he wanted to stop it, to throw his arms around her and silence the words that were going to come out.
In those single seconds he saw, he saw everything. The fights, the good times, the times they would just bump each other on the street like there was some supernatural force pulling them together against their will. He wanted to turn back time and relieve them, all of them and enjoy them as he should have, lived them fully as he should have, to take his younger self by the shoulders and shake him hard and tell him not to waste time; to stop being an ass and treat her like she deserves or he would lose her.
She was his most important person and he was about to lose her.
"And that's why I can't love you."
He knew it was coming. He knew that she would not accept him. He knew, he knew that it was going to hurt.
He just never imagined it could be this much.
Something was being ripped away from him. Slowly, violently, painfully, he could feel the pull on his heart, little by little some unfathomable part of himself was becoming empty, incomplete. He could almost hear the painful shriek of his soul as a part of it is ripped away, the monster's painful howl rang in his ears and together they mourned the loss.
"Arnold… do you like the person you've become when you fell in love?"
Such was the strangeness of the question that it took a few moments for his anguish-filled mind to fully register it and even then all he managed was a very articulated "What?"
"Love changes a person, I know that, but what if you don't like what you become when you're in love? You say you're in love with me, so do you like what you've become?"
He hesitated.
Honesty was hard. The real answer was hard, it would hurt her to hear it, and it would hurt him to say it. A lie would be easier, a lie wouldn't hurt anyone. It would be just like living in a dream. But a lie wasn't what they needed.
"No. No, I don't. I hurt you, I've been cruel and insulting, and I've discovered parts of myself that I rather not know about. So no, I don't like who I've become, but…"
"I don't like who I've become either."
That stopped him in his tracks, he wanted to say that he didn't regret loving her, that just because he had changed for the worst until now there he could always change for the better. But there was a power in her eyes and a strength in her jaw that told him that she would not be interrupted, this decision had been brewing inside her for a long time and now it was her turn to give her emotions full reign.
"No… that's not it… the truth is that I never really liked the person I am. In this house… with them I always felt so inferior, so cowardly, and so… so angry. I've so angry all my life, every time something happened… every time Olga came home I got so angry that I couldn't think straight. That anger has been controlling me, repressing me and I don't want to be angry anymore. And then there was you…"
Tears trying to fall but he held them back stubbornly, Helga wasn't crying, Helga was bearing her heart to him, being honest and he had to be strong for her, and for himself.
But it was so difficult, hearing her plight. It was something he knew all along and yet willfully looked away, ignoring, pretending he didn't noticed the signs, unwilling to believe that something from his life could so sad, so unfair. He should have helped her.
I'm here for you. Were those words so hard to be said? Would it really had been such a sacrifice to stop living a careless, happy life and just listen?!
Guilt. But guilt would not solve anything, guilt wouldn't give Helga the peace of mind she deserved.
Wasted time… it seemed to him that he had wasted so much precious time. Where had it gone? How did it pass so quickly?
What had been the accumulation of small events and small actions, so simple at that had led to this moment?
If I could turn back time… just for five minutes with my past self, just that… that's all I need…
"My love for you was something so obsessive, so desperate and all-consuming that it scares me now just to think about it. You were the moon and the sun and the world revolved around you, you were perfect, the perfect boy, that's what thought. I thought if I had just had you, your love, and your attention all the other crap in my live wouldn't matter anymore. Something like that Arnold, it's not normal... it's sick!"
He looked at her, so lonely, so beautiful, so desperate and so strong and even though she was breaking his heart he felt himself falling deeper in love with him. He never admired anyone has he admired her.
"My happiness is mine to achieve, if want it I have to find it myself. I can't rely on one person to make my life perfect, I want a better life, I want to break free from this place then I'm going to have to do it myself. I won't rest otherwise, I'll always be dependent on someone and I don't want that. I want to hold my head up high not just because I have someone's love but because I know I'm worth someone's love, because I'm proud of who I am."
He knew she could do it. Helga was strong, Helga was powerful, and Helga was a force of nature if she put her mind into it. There was no door that could remain closed to her even if she had to kick it open.
"I have to stop being that girl, with you… I don't know… with you there's always that chance. We're hot or we're cold there is no balance, no rest, everything is intense and crazy and right now I don't need that!"
He understood what she was saying, he felt it himself. They were too young, too volatile and inexperienced in life, they still had so much to live… so much to learn.
This was her decision, her choice to make, he had planned to accept it and try to move on. But he had to say something, he was desperate, every part of him, dark and light, was screaming at him to do something, to not go down without a fight.
"It doesn't have to be that way Helga. Things are always changing, we can change too. Just give us time and see how it goes."
She looked at him with a mixture of grief and resolution and he felt his next word die in his throat. She would not yield, she needed to do this and she wanted to do this. This house had been a cage to her, but soon she would be free and show the world what she could accomplish if she only had the chance. And he would not be the one dragging her down.
"No Arnold. All my life I've longed for someone to love me, to acknowledge me, when I couldn't get it from my family I turned all my attention, my hopes and dreams to you. Almost everything I did in the past was to fulfill the need that somebody would love me. But that's no way to live, how could I demand love when I didn't even fully understand what love is? When I can't even love myself? I'm still so afraid of showing my true self, of trusting anybody."
He had underestimated her, he had always assumed that Helga never realized how deeply her scars ran, on how much the cruelty of life had changed her, but he had been wrong. She was growing up and although the pain of the neglect she had endured would never go away she was trying to find closure, to move on beyond these cold walls.
He had never met anyone so strong.
"And that's why I need time Arnold. I need time so I can move on, so I can stop being so dependent on other people's love and start finding other things to strive for. To think about my future and who I want to be. I need time to heal."
He would give her all the time she needed, he would give her all the time he had because he knew she would not waste it.
But his heart was a mess. A storm was brewing inside him of such magnitude that he did not know his own feelings.
He wanted to support her, if Helga was like this now, he could only imagine what she would be like when she finally unleashed from the chains that bound her to this accursed fate. How proud and happy she would be when the fear of showing her true self would fade away like a nightmare when the sun rose.
But he didn't want to lose her, so was his selfishness that he did not want her to change if that meant that she would leave him behind in her path to adulthood.
By her side. His instinct clamored. Always by her side.
Accept her decision. Accept your pain and rejoice for she is breaking free.
But still there was something he had to know. One more selfish question that had to be answered.
"What about Brainy? You said that you don't want to be in love, so what about him?"
Helga sighed, they were both tired and in pain physical and emotional, but still they had to keep going. There could be no loose ends this time, closure was upon them they just had to go a bit further.
"Brainy is… it's hard to explain I don't love him but I care for him and I need him. With him I feel free to talk, free to be myself. Him and me we're…" she chuckled, one hand combing her own hair in a nervous gesture "we're so much alike. We've both done such stupid things, there's no fear, no shame and I need that."
So there it was, the end. Every beat of his heart was a stab of pain, he had been torn into pieces then put back together in a humbler form but still it was not over.
"I'm sorry Arnold."
She looked at him, her face didn't show pity or else he would have been too ashamed to be in her presence instead there was a deep, rooted feeling of empathy, she knew what he was feeling and she wished with all her heart she could prevent it.
But this was life, and life was not fair, and happily ever after did not exist, and sometimes all one could do is to accept things as they are.
"Don't be Helga."
You were more merciful to me than I ever was to you.
"So what do we do now?"
Her words were softly spoken. Words of someone who wanted desperately to rest but was still too lost in confused in this great merciless world.
What to do now?
The past was gone, dead and buried except in their memories.
Their relationship has it existed before was over, now they were lost and there was no one to tell them what road to take.
He could resent her for her honesty, he could resent Brainy for understanding her when he couldn't, and he could rant and rave and destroy whatever was left between them. Or he could tell her it was all over and that they could never even be friends.
But there was really one thing he could do.
The only thing anyone can ever do.
"We move on. We keep on walking and fighting for the things we want."
A small smile managed to find its way to her lips, and he found himself smiling back.
"I love Helga, and if you're happy with Brainy then it's all I want. But I'm there for you, and no matter what if you need me for anything I'll be there for you."
"It's going to be really hard isn't it? To move forwards?"
"Yeah, but it's going to worth it, I'm sure. I can't wait to see what Helga G. Pataki can really do."
"Oh you'll see Football Head. And I want to see how you turn out too."
He sighed, it must be a miracle that he could still stand on his feet. But hope, although battered and small, was still alive in him.
The end had come and a new beginning was being born. He would move onwards, fighting to become the man he hoped to be, learning, falling and getting up again and Helga would do the same.
He looked at her.
And maybe one day… when I'm a bit older and wiser, maybe then I'll be a bit more worthy of you.
They might not be together has he wanted them to be, but they were still by each other's side and they would push and gloat and mock each other towards adulthood, towards a little bit of more wisdom.
It was going to be a hell of a ride.
He couldn't wait for it.
This is not the end.
It's near but still not quite it.
I didn't feel right putting Arnold and Helga together now because they still have a lot of growing up to do. Arnold especially is still very immature and Helga has a lot of issues to deal with and my belief is that a relationship between two immature people can never be truly serious or satisfactory. I also really think that over time Helga would want to fight for her own happiness instead of just hiding behind trashcans reciting love poems, she still loves Arnold but she's trying to find herself and discover what she wants to do with her life and heal from the neglect she suffered. So I didn't feel this was the right time for them.
Please review, I beg of you.