Hello again! I'm sorry that this chapter took so long but to make it up to you I made it extra-long! The reason it took such an awful long time was because I was struck with a particular bad case of writers block and it took me a while and a Hey Arnold! marathon to break away.
Thank you to all my reviewers who also helped to pull me from my slump. I am very grateful to you all.
Once again I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors you might find. I would also like to say that since I never went through the American Educational System I have little to no idea how it works so if you notice any inconsistences in ways or the timeline, my knowledge came from Wikipedia and television shows and I'm sorry.
Please enjoy this chapter and comment on it when you're done.
I do not own Hey Arnold!, that is the product of Craig Bartlet and Nickelodeon.
The Strange Middle
That eventful summer passed, like the many before it and it shamed him a bit to say that he avoided Helga and Brainy like the plague. He ignored any invitation to hang out with the gang and instead dove into work like a mad man. In a few short weeks he had fixed the broken window in Susie and Oskar's room, the pluming in the bathroom, the TV, he installed an air conditioner in the living room, the dining room and in the kitchen and he cleaned the yard and the attic.
After these few short weeks of keeping himself busy enough not to think. Gerald stormed in, Rambo style, and dragged him off his newest project of leveling the coffee table and threw him in a car, something that resulted in him landing on Timberly's lap, earning him several giggles and a very red face. And as soon as he could get up and turn to yell at Gerald he found himself locked in the car and then he noticed his Grandpa closing the trunk of the car. Before his poor, confused brain could make any sense of what was happening Gerald had stormed back into the car and with the words:
"Step on it Jamie-O"
The car pulled off the drive way at an extraordinary speed, he looked back to find his Grandpa and Grandma waving goodbye and saying:
"It's for your own good Shortman."
And that's how Gerald kidnapped him from his own house and forced him to go on vacation with his family.
The two weeks following that (after he stopped yelling at Gerald) he tried to relax in the hotel room or in the pool, but it was so hard. He still dreamed about her, about the past, about what might have been. Sometimes he would be laughing with Gerald and goofing off and then suddenly he would get a glimpse of long golden hair, or he would hear a laugh that sounded almost like hers and he would stop whatever he was doing and look around so sure that fate had conspired against him (or for him) and he would bump into her, like he had so many times in the past.
Dude she's not here. Gerald would say, and he knew that was true but still he couldn't help it, searching for her, wanting her, missing her it was instinct to him. He would lie awake at night wondering where she was, if her parents had come back, how she spent her day and if she thought about him at all.
It was pathetic really.
By the end of the summer things seemed to be a little better. Gradually the pain had started to fade away, it was no longer a crash upon crash of emptiness, now it was just a scar, it was there and it hurt but only a little, and if he focused on other things it hardly hurt at all. But as the date of coming back to school approached he started to get nervous, it was one thing to get better when there was no Helga around but in school where they were all a tight group and shared most of the classes it was impossible to avoid her. They would be at the same classroom, sitting at the same table, talking to the same people. Temptation would be just a breath away.
And if by some cruel fate Helga and Brainy were the type of couple that liked to play tonsil hockey in the hallway like some sort of pair of dogs in heat, he was sure that he would either regurgitate or punch that wheezing bastard's ugly face. God he hoped they weren't that kind of couple.
But still to see them together would be a trial on his resolutions, no one could stay perfectly calm as he watched the woman he loved in a relationship with another man. Even if he saw them holding hands it would be a horrible blow on his heart. So it was with dread that he waited for the day that he would both have the privilege and the torture of seeing her again.
He hoped he was strong enough.
It wasn't that bad.
Well… the first week was horrible so maybe all the rest didn't seem that bad by comparison.
The first week had been Hell.
First of all there had been the whispers.
Everybody had saw him leaving with Helga at the dance and then Helga coming back on her own, this, along with his oblivious avoidance of the young maiden was a fuel to rumors of betrayal, secret love and jealously. Even his friends were not above a little gossip, although they had the good manners of being as dissimulated as humanly possible.
Then the looks…
Ah the looks on the gang's faces like he was made of fucking glass. Everyone from Harold to Rhonda (the gossip queen herself) tiptoed around him like he was about to shatter, giving him looks of such absolute pity that he wanted to scream. Even Curly, honest-to-God insane, delusional all-time-freak Curly had hugged him in sympathy, it scared the hell out of him.
Then Helga's reaction…
Sure they were still friends but that didn't make things any less awkward. That first meeting in the High School hallways was almost the end of his resolutions, it certainly didn't help that she looked so good. Skin slightly tanned, hair bound in a ponytail bearing the slightly whiter back of her neck to anybody's hungry eyes, dressed in shorts and black top she looked so hot it was ridiculous. She looked up and saw him approaching, she paled and gulped, the movement of her throat mesmerizing him. Phoebe and Gerald kissed and started talking about their summer vacations, leaving Helga and him to face each other in a heavy silence.
"Hey…"
Her voice had been small and hesitant, lacking the usual strength and bossiness he knew and loved, but still it sent a chill up his spine and made his skin tingle and head and sent stomach fluttering. How he missed her, how he longed to see her again, hear her voice, feel her heat…
His senses were getting drunk on her again, his body awakening to an impossible degree, he wanted to touch her, to have more of her even if she wasn't his to touch. He was so on edge that he was sure that if he didn't run away from her he would do something stupid and desperate again.
But he pushed his feelings aside, he struggled to remember the last time they talked, his resolution, her strength, he played the memory in his head over and over again until his panic subsided and he was strong enough to respond with an his own hesitated "Hey."
This was followed by a few more uncomfortable seconds of heavy silence.
He didn't know what to do, where to look, he played with his fingers a bit to distract himself from the awkwardness only to stop suddenly feeling foolish. He had no idea of what he was doing but somebody had to break this silence before they were crushed by it.
"So… how was your summer?"
He almost slapped himself with the stupidity of his question but it seemed to be the most harmless, generic thing that he could bring himself to say.
But God did he feel like a moron.
"It was fine. How was yours?"
"Fine."
More awkward silence.
Oh why couldn't something good happen once in a while and a bolt of lightning strike him on the spot?!
At very least it would be a conversation starter…
Never before had a ringing of bell sounded so melodious.
As soon as that glorious sound rang through the school it was like a height had been lifted off his shoulders and judging by Helga's relieved sigh he wasn't the only one that was glad this sad little encounter had reached its end.
"Well… I should go to class…"
"Yeah. Me too."
"Bye."
"Bye."
She walked away with Phoebe in tow and he watched.
"That was so awkward it almost looked painful."
Gerald had no idea how painful it actually was, he had been so anxious about this meeting, so afraid of seeing her again and yet so happy and it had been just as awkward as he had feared it would be. The only good thing he got out of this talk was, besides seeing her again, that it was over. After this little slice of Hell the whispers and looks got even worse, the pity was overwhelming and the urge to yell to everyone to mind their own fucking business was worse than ever.
There were a few more awkward moments that first week, his first encounter with Brainy for example, there was no attempt at civility there just angry looks and silence, a lot of silence. But Phoebe and Gerald had finally taken the plunge, so to say and therefor he and Helga were constantly forced to be together, sometimes Brainy or the gang were with them and sometimes it was just them, trying to make polite conversation and act with some measurement of civility while avoiding the several elephants in the room.
But after some time the encounters between him and Helga got progressively less awkward, the height gradually disappeared until it was just a small impression. He could never let himself get as close to her as he was before, the temptation was too great. He was still in love, he still loved her with all the strength of his immature heart, to remind himself that she was with someone else was painful but the only way he could stay on track.
Fortunately Helga and Brainy were a discreet sort of couple, both of them were shy and uncomfortable with public shows of affection so the most they did in public was to hold hands, a few chaste kisses and whispers in each other's ears. Still every time he saw them in each other's personal space he felt a stroke of furry, his blood began to blood and the monster growled and hissed in anger. Although his disease was diminished as long as he craved Helga he would never be free, and even if by some miracle his passion for the strong girl gradually subsided into a gentle flame he would never be the same, she had changed him, permanently, irrevocably he knew about himself now. He had felt his faults, saw the darkness in his actions and thoughts and now struggled to beat his dark impulses and become a man.
No, he could never shut Helga out his life.
So he remained at a polite distance, he was watchful and attentive to her mood and words but he tried not to butt into her life, he was her friend and nothing more. And ever since that day in her bathroom he did not touch her in any way. But how he longed to touch her, to feel her skin, so cool against his burning one, to feel her lips once again, he craved it, he dreamed about it during the night, but he had to keep it together or else it would be all for naught.
Over time his view on Helga's and Brainy's relationship changed to a sort of duality, from pure hatred it had evolved to pure hatred and something else. He still hated the idea of Helga with someone else, he wanted her and if she broke up with Brainy he had a feeling that not only he would do a celebratory dance he would also run to her, take her in his arms and kiss her and not even Big Bob's anger could have made him let her go. And that was why he was so grateful Helga and Brainy seemed to be going strong and loving in their own way, he was too quick to succumb to his desires and right now the strongest leash he had on them was that Helga didn't want him, that she was with someone else if that barrier disappeared there was no telling what sort of stupid thing he would do.
It was a constant battle between what he wanted and what he needed…
Break up!
Don't break up!
Break up!
Don't break up!
He got so tired of it sometimes that in his wildest moments he wished he had never laid his eyes on that cute little pink bow and the cute little blonde head it was attached to. But that was just crazy talk.
It was confusing and terrifying but he didn't fight it, not like before. He knew he loved Helga and that he was still selfish so of course he wanted Helga for himself, he wanted to give in and let his crueler instincts dictate him if it got him closer to her, even if it just a few seconds. But he loved Helga and he wanted what was best for her and when he saw Brainy gently pulling her golden hair out of eyes when she studied or like when he always packed extra food with him for when Helga didn't have time to have breakfast in the morning.
Why couldn't he had thought of that?
Hadn't he had been a witness to Miriam's neglect of her daughter's eating habits for years? Did he really ignored all those times when Helga only brought with her slices of bread or packets of crackers to lunch?
No. No, he was there. He remembered. All those times she opened her lunchbox only to scowl and close it back in anger. He had seen that face a hundred times, angry, disappointed but sad and settled to her unfair fate.
Yet it never occurred to him to bring any extra food in case Helga got hungry, these gentle attentions on Brainy's part made him see how right Helga had been that morning in her bathroom, Brainy was the one she needed not him.
He wasn't what she needed…
He wasn't…
"Hey."
He looked up shocked.
"…Hey."
She was standing awkwardly on the other side of the library table, books and laptop in one of her arms, the other hand gently touching the chair across from him, hair in disarray, face slightly red from carrying around so much weight. Beautiful…
It was the first time they were alone together since that day…
"Do you mind? Every other table is taken…"
Before she would never had asked, before she would walk in confidently and would have taken that chair whether he liked it or not. Before there would be no need for permissions or tiptoeing around each other. Before she would have felt comfortable enough to tease him.
But the before was dead and it was never coming back.
He had to answer, it was the rule now, politeness, distance, pain and loneliness.
"Sure."
She sat down across from him, his heart beat wildly against his ribcage, his eyes struggled to remain glued to his computer screen and not wonder to observe the shadows that were created on her face as it was illuminated by her own screen and he felt that he was trembling a bit. He was so nervous, so scared, a dark hole was opening in his stomach and he felt it suck him into the darkness.
What if he did something stupid?
What if he said something to mess it up all over again?
Should he say something?
It was so very quiet, he felt the weight of the silence crushing him. Maybe he should say something…
But what?
So many were the question, so many the doubts that he just let the silence continue.
He was looking at several colleges, something that in no way eased his troubled mind.
He sighed loudly and felt a pulsing light pain in his temple.
How was he supposed to decide?
This was stupid.
He was seventeen, he was a child! He wasn't even old enough to drink yet! What kind off system made a child decide his entire future?
What did he want to do? Where should he go?
Should he stay close to home to watch over his family? But this place held in his memory so many of his mistakes and stupidities, wasn't it better to go away, far away to start over again… or was he being selfish again?
He didn't know anymore.
He doubted himself, he knew his faults now but he didn't know how far those faults influenced his behavior or his decisions.
Should he apply to this one? Or was he aiming too high?
Was he making a mistake?
What if he chose wrong?
What if he became unhappy and spent his poor Grandfather's money for nothing…
What did he want to do with his life…?
He thought of the things he enjoyed and the things he was good at but everything seemed insufficient or unsatisfactory.
What did he know about the work? About what he would be talented at or what would make him happy?
Well… he knew what would make him happy, she was sitting right in front of him so close and so far away at the same time.
It seemed that the more he was forced to grow up and leave his childhood notions behind the more the dark pit full of hopelessness and emptiness was widening at his feet, threatening to swallow him up and one of these days it would…
He didn't know where to look, to the unachievable dream in front of him or to the pit of uncertainty bellow.
"What's wrong with you?"
He looked up confused.
"You've been staring at the screen and sighing for ten minutes, what's wrong?"
He smiled, it was stronger than him, she made him like this, she made him feel nervous and happy, fearful and daring all at the same time.
"Why? You're worried?" His voice was teasing, mocking, and as soon as he said it, it came back to haunt him.
He really shouldn't tease her. It was too soon, the wounds were still fresh.
But it was their beat, their way. Anything else would sound forced, fake.
But what if he scared her?
When she smirked in her mocking, contempt way, unibrow flexing, pretending to be perplexed he almost made a little victory dance right in the middle of the school library.
It was coming back… their rhythm was starting again.
"In case you haven't noticed Arnaldo, the library is a place of quiet and your sighing and moaning are disturbing public peace."
"And by public peace you mean yours?"
"Is there any other kind? Now what's eating you? They're going cut a tree in the park? Or some other poor soul is in desperate need of your assistance? What?"
"College."
Her face fell a little, it was a trying period for them all. But true to her nature she bounced back quickly enough.
"Oh poor baby…What happen? Did you found out that they don't accept «good Samaritan» in the application? Maybe if you enough recommendation letters… I hear Stoop Kid is still in town…"
"Ha ha ha Helga, real funny. I just don't know where to go."
"Well… what do you want to do?"
"I don't know."
"There's your issue. Figure it out, think about your talents, what do you like…"
"I like a lot of things that doesn't mean I want to do them for the rest of my life."
"Then think about what you're talented at. Let's see…" She put her elbow on the table and supported her chin in her hand, golden hair falling into partially covering her left eye, a mock look of intense concentration.
"You're a meddling busybody that likes to shoot advice out of his mouth like it was his god given right… Maybe you could be the new Dear Abby, I can see it now… Dear Football Head…"
"Funny Helga, real funny…"
It was a frustrating conversation that left him with tears in his eyes from holding in his laughter and the urge to stick out his tongue at her like a child, but he felt lighter when he left the library. He was freer, more driven, talking to Helga had recharged his spirit and now he could look at his options with a more critical eye. He felt happy, he felt warm, there had been no awkwardness in their conversation, no dark memory haunting this meeting, she had been relaxed, she had been natural. She had forgiven him. Besides…
She had called him Football Head.
Prom was an insignificant occurrence, needless to say he went stag. It didn't feel right, going without Helga, the words Brainy had spoken still haunted him and he wanted to prove that there was no replacing her, she was all he wanted. Besides no one made his body react in the same way as Helga, if he want with another girl all he would feel was cold and numbness, not the passionate fire that he longed for.
Helga went with Brainy, they lasted a lot more than people believed at first and were considered a nice steady couple.
Helga had been beautiful, her dress simple and elegant fitting the theme Midnight in Paris, a long baby blue dress, with a gold necklace and hearings. She had been so beautiful that he almost didn't notice Brainy.
Surprisingly no one made any fuss about going to the prom alone, sure there were a few comments but it wasn't the social suicide the movies always made out to be…
And he did have fun…
The most amusing part must have been when Eugene walked in hand in hand with his former senior from the drama club, matching ties and everything. Harold's mouth dropped and there were a few seconds of awkward silence before the yell:
"I knew it! You owe me twenty bucks Stinky." Made by Sid.
After that everybody relaxed and enjoyed the party, he danced with several girls, Lila, Patty, Phoebe and a few others. He drank and shared jokes, applauded the Prom King and Queen, a jock and a cheerleader that he always saw around school and never talked to, watched Rhonda's face turn red from indignation, and had a great time.
He didn't have the guts to ask Helga to dance.
This was it. The moment of truth…
He was sending his application.
Now!
Wait…NOW!
No…
NOW!
Maybe he should think things over…
This was the result of several grueling talks with his Grandpa and innumerous interferences of his extended family, numerous hours of investigation, of thinking and pondering, his decision.
But what if he was wrong?
What if he made a mistake? He would be wasting his time and his Grandparent's life savings for nothing. He wanted to be sure, he wanted to be right, he wanted to reach into the future and see what would happen if he made this decision or another. Was it too much to ask? To be completely and utterly sure that this was the right call, that he wouldn't regret this or look back and wonder if he should have gone a different path… if only he could be completely sure…
But has his Grandpa had explained so many times before that was never going to happen, no one could see into the future, and no one could ever be sure of the outcome of their decisions, all someone could do was to think, take a chance and hope for the best and… follow their instincts.
If it worked out then congratulations, if it didn't then better luck next time.
That's just how life worked, he had said.
Apparently life was too much of a bitch to give you a break once in a while.
He sighed.
He wondered if being so hesitant made him a coward. But he couldn't help it… he was so full of doubt.
A knock on his door.
"Everything all right there Shortman?"
To be or not to be honest. That was the question.
"Not really Grandpa."
The door was gently pushed open, the old man peeking through the door.
"What's the matter Arnold?"
"I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing."
His Grandpa sat down beside him, a warm comforting, wrinkled hand on his shoulder.
"No one ever does. We can never be sure of anything Arnold. Heck even I have my doubts sometimes, all we can do is try to do our best and move on."
Move on… that's what he promised Helga he would do, that's what he promised himself he would do. But there were so many paths he could follow, so many wrong turns and misleading roads. He felt like he was hanging by a wire, one false step and the dark pit would swallow him up without care or mercy.
He squeezed his hands tightly and asked the question that had been haunting him for the past months.
"What if I'm making a mistake? What if I fail?" he whispered brokenly.
The world was so big and he was so insignificant.
"If you fail you fail, there's nothing you can do about that. Arnold you're seventeen, you're going to fail. I can't tell at what, but you're bound to screw up at something."
Why? Why did he bother asking for his Grandpa's advice? All it did to him was making it worse, there was never reassurance or sugar coated lie only the truth that he wanted to avoid.
He didn't want to fail, he was tired of failing. He had already lost the most important person in his life.
"Remember that whole thing with your little friend with the one eyebrow? You failed then, big time! But you lived didn't you?"
His heart gave a painful lurch. Why? Why did he insisted in pouring salt in the wounds?
"Yes Grandpa, thanks for reminding me. That's exactly what I needed."
Now he was insecure and depressed, great just great.
He missed her.
If he called her, would she pick up? Would she listen?
He needed her, he needed to talk to her, she could make it all better he was sure of it.
She was a drug, his drug and he was nothing but a junkie on a rebound, trying to stay away but desperate for his next fix.
"Look Arnold, the point is that it's okay to be worried about the future, if you weren't it would mean that you didn't care. And failure is going to happen sometimes. The only way you can't fail is if you don't do anything but then you'll be just some pathetic old man watching time passing you by."
This was his room, he had slept in this room for has long as he remembered, downstairs was where he took his first steps, in this kitchen was where he had said his first word, In this house lived all the people that had held his hand, that had hugged him and comforted him when he was sad and scared. There was the table where he and Gerald played checkers, the corner where the ice cream truck always stopped, all his friends, the woman he loved all lived in this neighborhood just a few steps from each other and in a few short months it was all going to be over.
No more collecting rent, no more hearing Oskar fighting with the other residents, no more baseball afternoons in Gerald's Field, no more trips to Rhonda's pool, no more days watching Sid and Stinky frolicking in the swamp, and Helga…
Helga was going to be miles away.
They were leaving, all of them. After so many years of being together the time to part ways was drawing closer.
"Aren't you going to miss me when I go?"
"Nop, it's about time too. With you gone I can finally rent this room and make a bundle…"
"Grandpa!"
He turned gazing at the old man, shocked.
"Just messing with you Shortman. But that's what kids are supposed to do! Leave! It's how you know you did a good job raising them when you're confident enough to send them out into the world on their own."
A wrinkled hand rubbed his hair.
"And I'm confident that you can make it, no matter how many times you mess up."
"Thanks Grandpa."
He smiled, the weight was by no way lighter but he felt happier, resolute, in a way his Grandpa was right he had lost Helga and survived, what else could the world throw him?
"So… what do you think I could get for the room?"
"Grandpa!"
Later that night he took a deep breath and pressed send.
You would think that after a life changing decision the world would change somehow, that things would seem different and somehow others would know that you did something. But the sun had risen no different that it always had, and he woke up to the sound of his alarm clock just like he had the morning before and came down to see Ernie and Mr. Hyunh fighting for the bathroom. Things were the same it was easy to forget that life would change, easy to ignore that soon everything would be different.
It was easy to go to school and pretend that next year they would still be here.
He looked around and everybody seemed so normal and cheerful, was he the only one who was plagued with doubt and fear?
He looked a few lockers away, to her.
Helga was leaning against the lockers, waiting patiently for Phoebe to finish loading her bag. He could tell immediately that something was wrong. Her posture was straight and tense, a flexed unibrow, small white teeth were nibbling on a full, beautiful, tempting red bottom lip…
"Quit it."
Gerald slammed his locker door pulling him out of a very pleasant reverie, he looked at him annoyed. Really?! He couldn't even have his imagination to keep him company?
"What?!"
Gerald was glaring at him.
"You're staring at Helga like she's Venus de freaking Milo! I swear at a certain point I expected a flock of tiny Disney-like birds to appear pick you up and carry you to her."
He glared at this rude but disturbingly accurate description of his feelings of love towards his tormentor.
Gerald was right, he had to stop it. Helga had a boyfriend, one that treated like she deserved and made her happy, he had no right. Helga wanted room to spread her wings and be all she could be, it was wrong to act this way. He still wasn't ready, still too immature, he wasn't doing what he promised her. He wanted her, he craved her, he needed her, she was the fire that riled him and the ice that cooled him but he wouldn't come to her like this, he wouldn't stop until he was a man worthy of her, her equal… and he was still too weak for that.
But what would happen to him when she left?
The dark pit of uncertainty, despair and fear that haunted him so many times these last months of doubt returned at full force, his stomach sank, he was falling… falling into darkness, falling into temptation and falling into sickness.
That's right… Helga would soon be gone. In a few months the time when he could see her at the lunch line gleefully taking the last dessert, or the hear her little snores during the first ten minutes of algebra and even those little stolen moments across the hallway they would all be over.
What he would do then?
He knew Helga and her past in Hillwood. To him, Gerald, Phoebe and all the others Hillwood was their childhood playground, their home, they would come back, maybe not forever, but as long as their families were here there would always be a sort of bond to this town. Not Helga, the bond that united her to tis place was so much weaker, so fragile that he had no idea when it would finally break.
And when it did? Would he ever see her again?
Soon they would be miles away from each other, in practically different worlds? If there was nothing bidding Helga to the home they shared how will he ever meet her again?
Would he never even have a chance to prove to Helga that he could make her happy? To show her how well they fit together…
What he wouldn't give for even a glimpse of the future…
"Arnold…"
"Yes Gerald?"
"I'm serious quit it."
"Shut up Gerald."
This was not the end to his dark thoughts.
Like a fungus they festered in his mind, leaving little room for happier thoughts. The days were long and tiring and the nights restless.
One night of tossing and turning he finally had enough pushing back the covers, frustrated and angry he climbed to the roof feeling the cool breeze on his skin calmed his raging emotions. He looked at the yellow tainted sky identifying a few stars that he learned on his camping trips. He looked at them and remembered those days so long ago when he watched the passing of Sally's Comet right on this roof.
He longed for those days, to be a careless child again with nothing but his boyhood adventures to occupy his heart.
Why did things needed to change? Everything had been so much simpler back then… he had been so happy.
Since when did it seemed that the weight of the world was resting on his shoulders?
Would it ever get better?
He asked his questions to the night sky, questions that had been asked so many times before by so many different people, questions that would never be answered for the stars themselves did not know.
Life went on as it as a tendency of doing…
The dark pit of uncertainty continued to exist inside of him but he had learned to accept it. There was uncertainty in everything and big decisions were part of being responsible enough to decide his own fate, something he desperately wanted…
He was even finding some small measurement of peace. Until…
"So has the acceptance letters arrived yet Shortman?"
His stomach dropped a few inches and he looked at the ground, vaguely expecting to find it on the floor at his feet.
"Huh… no Grandpa, it hasn't arrived yet…"
"Hum that's strange… Gerald got his about a week ago."
Gerald had been accepted to the school of his choice, it had been no surprise to anyone for a year that Gerald had been talking about studying Law and even had asked Phoebe to help increase his concentration and memory through meditation. He had remained focused on his objective and had worked hard for it.
He walked up the stairs to his bedroom, passing Ernie and Lola on the way.
"So Arnold the letter arrived yet?"
"No, not yet."
Stop asking me that!
"Well, sooner or later it's bound to come."
"Oh yes Arnold, you shouldn't worry about that, sometimes it just takes a little longer."
"Yeah I know. Thanks Lola."
He watched them walk away, hands intertwined and remember that day, months ago, when he felt her hand in his so soft and comforting, her slender fingers against his and felt a pang in his chest. He had to look away, it was too painful.
He softly closed the door to his room and sighed celebrating his privacy, it was a quiet late Saturday afternoon he had just come from the movies with Gerald, Stinky and Sid and no one would bother him for a while.
Perhaps it was time…
He went to his bed reached under his pillow and pulled out a white envelope.
He reached out to open it… but was startled by the sound of laughter coming from downstairs, his Grandpa was chasing Oskar again…
Maybe he would open it later.
After all he still had time.
Later at night he lied awake at night staring at his celling, the envelope was on his mind, haunting him. He wanted to open it and just get it done already and yet he also wanted to conserve this moments of uncertainty for a little while longer for right now everything was possible, like Schrodinger's Cat he was both accepted and rejected until he opened that envelope.
He got up.
He needed to clear his head and a simple trip to the roof wasn't going to do it this time. Changing his clothes abruptly and, after a moment of hesitation, grabbing the stupid envelope he quietly left the house. The outside was slightly chilly, natural spring weather but still he zipped his coat and stuck his hands in his pockets.
He walked silently through the empty streets. He walked and watched and remembered the life that he had had. He smiled when he accidently stepped on the sidewalk that still had the words Sid and Stink, he frowned when he passed the former flower shop, Mrs. Vitelo had retired years ago and the store had turned into laundry.
It would never be Mrs. Vitelo flower shop again. The past would never come back.
As he walked he was always aware of the letter in his pocket. A weight on his body.
Finally he reached Gerald's Field, planning to sit on the cold grass and relax for a while, and then he stopped. His breath left his body in one quick hiss, his heart was jumping with so much vigor in his chest he was sure it was going to break out. He was frozen, shocked, and happy and scared, an unstable mixture that threatened to spill over.
No way…
You're dreaming…
You got to be…
You are not this lucky, or unlucky…
No…
No…
No.
"Arnold?"
"Helga."
Helga…
Helga sitting on the green grass near the pitcher's mound. Helga with her one eyebrow, her golden hair combed by the wind tumbling down her shoulders like a glorious messy waterfall. Helga wearing a simple red jacket and black jeans. Helga in front of him. Helga doing the same he was planning on doing and Helga…
Helga holding a white envelope much like his own…
It's like a dream…
It's like a nightmare…
They stared at each other, piercing green against untamed blue.
She is so beautiful.
What was she doing here? By herself?
Maybe she broke up with Brainy…
OH SHUT UP YOU!
He crushed all the parts of him that trimmed with excitement under that possibility. That wasn't him anymore. Never again.
"What are you doing here Football Head?"
She was defensive, tense that meant that she was trying very hard to hide something, that envelope…
He pulled his out of his pocket and held it to his chest, easily showing her what he had hidden from his own kin.
Her blue eyes hidden and he had a moment to reveal in the fact that, despite everything he could still surprise her before she plopped back on the ground with a grunt and raised her arm upwards, staring at the envelope like she could burn it with her gaze.
After a moment he down opposite of her, their heads side by side bodies in the opposite direction. Raising his left arm to stand close to hers. Letters side by side, she was so close to him that he could feel the heat of her hand, hear her soft breath close to his ears, and feel a few rebellious strands of gold hair caressing his cheek.
That hadn't been this close since that faithful morning.
And his poor, starved self was absorbing all that he could before he was forced to separate himself from her again.
His body humming with desire was painfully aware of her every movement, of every slight change, drowning willfully in her heat and smell hopping never to leave again.
How he wanted her…
Never had he felt more like an animal than right now, when desire so desperately the woman by his side.
A cold wind blew, awakening him from his heated thoughts, the letters rustled in their hands, the small sounds echoing in the dark night.
"So… when did you get yours?"
Her voice was soft and quiet and his ears drank it like the finest wine.
"About a week ago. You?"
"Just this morning. Why haven't you opened it yet?"
He turned his head to her, gazing at her calm, curious face.
And what he tried to suppress for so long flowed out.
"I don't know. I guess I'm scared."
He didn't want to admit it, to anyone and especially not to her. She was so strong and ferocious and he wanted to be her equal, to be someone who she could count on, someone who moved through life with a strong firm step. He didn't want to be afraid…
But he didn't want to lie to her either.
He wanted to change, to be better and to learn from his mistakes and never hurt her again.
He had pretended everything was alright for so long…
"Of what? Of being rejected?"
He gave a small humorless laugh of scorn. If only…
"I suppose there's that part too. But at this point I think I'm more scared of being accepted."
Now she was shocked.
"What? Why?"
He should have known, they're situations were almost the total opposites.
"Because… I don't want things to change. Think about it Helga! After this summer we will never walk in the halls of PS118 again, unless in some High School Reunion, we are all going to go our separate ways. The gang Helga, our gang, the people we know since we were toddlers they're leaving! Gerald, Phoebe, Sid, Harold and you… are all going to leave…"
I don't want you to leave me…
She looked at him seriously, it was like she could read into his deepest thoughts and he could see that she knew what he meant, he felt bare in front of her and light like a weight was lifted of him.
She broke her gaze to gaze at their letters, still unopened, still side by side.
"I never thought about like that. It's kind of scary when you think about it… no more Harold stuffing his face in the cafeteria…"
He smiled at the orange contaminated sky.
"… no more Eugene and Sheena dancing in the gym…"
"…no more Rhonda's fashion crisis…"
"…no more of Curly's maniacal laughter as he rides a stuffed buffalo down the hall…"
"Actually that doesn't sound half bad."
"Helga!"
She laughed and he drank the sound like a men dying in the desert.
"How about you?"
"I'm worried that I don't get in. If that happens I might go crazy."
He gave her a dry look.
"I meant Arnold I will really go crazy! First I'll smash Miriam's blender with a sledgehammer, then I'll burn all of Olga's awards in one of the biggest, most dangerous bonfires this town has ever seen."
She was panicking, and he once again saw her desperation to leave a family that had only caused her pain in all her young life. Helga was trying to break away and if she was refused it might just break her.
He would die if she broke, if ever that strong fire was extinguished he would die.
She settled down and they both resumed staring at their unknown future in their hands.
"You know Arnold, we're going to have to open those things sooner or later…"
"I know."
"Well go for it Football Head."
He starred back at her shocked.
"Why do I have to go first?"
She looked at him like he has a moron, which was probably what she was thinking.
"Well you got yours longer than I have mine! You should go first."
He rose on his elbow and starred at her hard, she looked back at him with a dry, bored look.
Must she always tease him?
"I. Don't. Want. To."
She rose on her elbow to face him.
"Well… I. Don't. Want. To. Either."
There was a small standstill, a silent battle of wills like he could only have with her occurred.
They were both so stubborn.
But she was a bit more than him.
"We're getting nowhere with this, Helga."
She just stared back at him with her big wild blue eyes. She wasn't going to budge.
He sighed and looked at her letter.
A sudden flash crossed his mind.
It might work.
"What if… what if I open yours and you open mine?"
"What?"
"Well we're both too scared…
"I'm not scarred!"
He shot her a dirty look "…nervous to open ours but if we open each other's, there's no pressure."
She paused and looked at the ground, biting her soft pink bottom lip, he could practically see the idea revolving in her head as she considered every pro and con.
Finally she straighten out, sitting with her legs crossed, threw her hair over her shoulder and stuck her arm out, handing him the letter like a queen ordering her servant. A look defiance mixed with the slightest worry.
His heart melted at sight and a small smile managed to grace his mouth as he took her letter and handed her his.
Within seconds the accursed envelops had been ripped and his eyes were scanning voraciously every letter on the paper.
"You're in."
He said it without thinking, he just read it and out came the words. He looked to apologize and stopped.
Her eyes were wet with tears and there was an amazing looked of shock on her face, and he realized that she never had hope of being accepted in the first place, then she let out a little gasp and then another, tears running down her soft face.
"Helga are you.."
Her arms flew at him, wrapping around his neck in a firm hold, and before he could understand what was happening she flung her body at him, he let out a grunt when his body hit the ground with strength of her attack. Her entire soft, warm, pliable body was pressed against his and once again he was surprised on how good they fit together, her head buried against his neck and he could feel her hair against his face, her tears and breath and lips against his neck.
Slowly, carefully testing his ground his arms wrapped around her middle, answering her hold with his own desperate grip.
In the slightly cold April night they clung desperately to each other. His body absorbing her warmth, rejoicing in her softness, his mind sharing her joy and his heart bursting the love he had for her.
How could somebody love another person this much?
He didn't know how but here he was.
Whatever had been the time the embrace had lasted it hadn't been enough for him.
They separated and the smile on her face was so glorious, a beacon of such light and carefree joy he wondered how could he had ever thought her to be ugly or mean.
He gave time to compose herself, but it took a while. He had never seen Helga like this, he had never seen her this happy, like she had just been released from a cage.
Finally she managed to look serious and starred at his paper.
He waited.
And waited.
His heart was in his throat. He felt like his skeleton might jump out and make a run for it, there were no butterflies in his stomach but a whole swarm of angry bees.
"Dear Arnold Philip Shortman…"
He braced himself.
Here it comes!
Gods she was so serious!
"… we are offended that your little Goody-goody self even thought of applying to our prestigious institution…"
"HELGA!"
She collapsed on the ground laughing her ass off, clutching her stomach. Furious and joyful at the same time he leaned over her, pressing each of his hands at the side of her head, trapping her in place, growling at her from above but still he couldn't find it his heart to be truly angry at her.
No matter how crazy she drove him…
No matter how sick he became…
He couldn't help but love this bully of a girl.
"Sorry… I'm so sorry…" she was saying between bouts of laughter "…but you were so terrified… I just… couldn't help myself… Congratulations Arnold… You're in."
And then he laughed with her, relief and joy and life drumming in his blood and he thought that there was no place on Earth he would rather be in, no one we would rather share this moment with that her.
And when laughter subsided and they were only looking at each other's happy relaxed faces, looking into her beautiful blue eyes.
I could kiss her right now.
The change in the air was palpable, he stared deeply into her eyes and his breathing became labored. Their faces suddenly serious
He was suddenly excruciatingly aware of the position they were in, her lying on the ground, face flushed and hair in disarray and him on top of her, with only the strength in his arms keeping him from pressing his body against hers.
He could do it, he could kiss her.
His eyes diverted to her pink mouth, it looked so soft, so inviting… he could still remember how good it had felt the last time, even though the last time had been so wrong.
He was leaning closer to her.
She nibbled her bottom lip again and his eyes savagely followed the movement, committing it to his memory.
Heat, delirious, slick heat was lapping at his body.
He turned his gaze to her and saw her nervously gazing back.
Tension thickened the air.
She wouldn't stop him.
The ground dropped underneath him.
Their foreheads touched.
He needed her.
Her soft breath ticked his face.
He wanted her.
They were so close, millimeters away.
He could do it.
He rose suddenly, desperate for distance, away from her, away from the temptation she was to him.
His hands ran across his face trying to disperse the heat that was still consuming him.
"We should go home."
He wouldn't do it.
It went against everything they had decided, if he kissed her and she kissed back they would just fall back into their old habits, she once again dependent on somebody's love and he greedy for all she could give him. It would be a downward spiral that would destroy them before breaking them apart. It would rob them of their one chance to grow up as individuals. They still weren't ready, they were still too immature to be able to handle the consuming passion and desire they felt for each other in a healthy way.
Everything in him was rebelling against this decision, his body screaming for her, the monster roaring in frustration and his heart desperate.
But he would remain firm. No matter what.
"Yeah… You're right."
She got up too, shaking off invisible grass stains, she was shaking slightly, as affected by the moment as he had been.
It is so easy to fall back into their passions again. So stupidly easy.
They faced each other, trying to figure out how to move on from what just had almost happened.
He looked at her and tried to convey all of his feelings, all of the love he had for her.
And she looked back with such a gaze of soft, caring passion that he knew in that moment that she loved him back.
She turned and walked away.
"Goodnight Helga." He called out softly.
She stopped and slightly.
The look in her eyes, the soft smile on her lips.
It was the real Helga. Not the mean bully front, not the angry little girl, he had spent the night with the real Helga.
And he had never loved her more.
"Goodnight Arnold."
And she disappeared around a corner.
He put his hands in his pockets and walked back home, whistling a little tune.
Love it, hate it… the only way I will know is that you review it.
And that's it for now. The next chapter will be the end for Disease since I was never really one to ruin a thing by overdoing it, but I'm telling you after so much drama the next Hey Arnold! Fic I write will be a comedy.
Goodbye, see you next time.