APOV

Waking up the next morning I looked at my phone but there were no messages from Christian, sighing I get up and go into the shower. I can't help but think why we hasn't called or text me back its not like him but I can't help but feel that he already knows about what I've done and now he hates me, that's it he knows and now he doesn't want to talk to me ever again and I hate it. I knew this would happen but I didn't realise it would hurt this much, there hasn't been a day that goes by that we haven't spoken and it sucks it feels like I've lost a part of me. I know its early but Christian never turns his phone off or never replies to me. I knew when I fell asleep last night that the main reason I didn't want Christian going through what the Lincolns where offering was because I'm in love with him, and that's the kicker I'm in love with my best friend but I don't deserve him I mean if my own mother hated me to the point where she used to hit me and let someone else hurt me then no one else could truly love me.

I get out of the shower feeling like crap I dry off and get dressed into jean shorts and a top, after putting on my trainers I go downstairs and head for the kitchen knowing that my family is there eating already. Don't get me wrong I know my parents and Kate love me but I don't deserve love of any kind I'm too much of a waste of space and too much trouble to be love. I sit down and start eating my breakfast that's place in front of me not saying anything which is normal for me, when Kate finishes and gets up to leave the kitchen I sigh knowing that my parents are going to talk about what I showed them. "Darling we've called the police and they have the camra as evidence you will need to give a statement later on today but right now we need to go next door and tell Grace and Carrick" I nod my head and we all get up and head out of the kitchen "ok I'm ready to go I need to talk to Mia about something so I'll head straight up to her room" Kate says I'm glad she won't be there when mom and dad tell the Greys or when Christian screams at me telling me never to talk to him again. That's what I'm dreading the most I can't hear him say that to me I can't hear him tell me that he hates me or that I'm the person he hates the most in the world.

We leave the house and head over to the Greys, once we're there Kate goes straight to Mia's room but I run to the kitchen just to see Christian for the last time. I've come to terms that I'm in love with him and that he hates me but I have to tell him why I did what I did of course I'm not going to tell him I love him I can't hear him say that he doesn't love me or that he would never love me that would just hurt to much. I go and stand next to Christian but he won't look at me on one hand I'm glad I can't see the hatred in his eyes that would just gut me knowing its because of what I've done but I did it for the right reasons. I don't hear what my parents are saying I just look at the kitchen table, I'm blocking everything they are saying out I can't hear it all again I just can't. I hear my name and notice that Mr Grey is tell me and Christian to go outside as they talk I nod my head and we head out into the garden and sit under the biggest tree by the boathouse (the tree we always sit under). I hate this I just have to get it all out and then I'll listen to him. I take a deep breath and start I tell him why I did it and that he will find the love of his life, this is harder than I thought it would be I'm not looking in his eyes I can't stand to see the hatred in his eyes once I finish I just can't heard him saying he hates me so I get up and run as fast as I can blocking everything out I don't want to hear him screaming that he never wants to see me again I just can't.

I don't know how far I ran but I keep going and going and going I know its stupid but I'm trying to run from the thoughts going around in my head. I know it was stupid of me I should have waiting to hear Christian out but I'm too much of a coward to hear it I love him and it would kill me to hear that he hates me and never wants to see or hear from me ever again. I know that that is what's going to happen but hearing something and knowing something are two different things. I fall to my knees tripping over something and I start crying, I cry for the little girl I once was who wanted nothing more than her mothers love and protection but never got it, I cry for the girl who can't sleep at nights scared of the monster who used to beat her coming back to take her away and I cry for the teenager I am now losing the one person she loves most in this world knowing he would/could never love her and will now live the rest of his life hating her for what she has done. Once I'm all cried out I wipe my eyes and look around noticing I've ran to the park Christian and I used to come to, I get up wiping my knees and go and find the hiding spot Christian and I found.

I sit down and rest my head on my knees trying to catch my breath thinking about how my life is going to change now that Christian won't be by my side from now on, knowing that I lost the one and only person who understands me even the slightest. Wrapping my arms around my legs my head still on my knees I close my eyes and just try to picture going on with my life without my best friend I mean I know I have my family but they don't truly understand what I went through and how it affects you in the long run. I've gotten over one of the things that scared me the most touching I mean I know it was just my dad but its a start if I can tolerate my daddy holding me in his arms them I'm sure I will be able to let mom and Kate hold me and maybe one day someone would I might find to spend my life with, I mean once I've leaned to live without Christian and I'm not sure I will. There is only one Christian Grey and I've been lucky enough to have in my life up until now but that part of my life is over. I sigh knowing I should head home but I just need a few more minutes by myself sighing once more I start to feel tired relaxing back against the tree I'm stand next to I rest and I slowly drift off to sleep hoping one day I can learn to live knowing that Christian hates me and won't be by my side ever again.