It was a low point but not my lowest point. No that would come a week later when after a long hard day at work mixed with the thought of seeing my battered mate the next day had let an idea creep into my head. It's something I never thought I'd be asking myself but in the dead of the night as I sat alone watching the moon rising above I thought it. Should I really have this child? Sure I'm not the only Omega to every think of that but as it entered my mind…it lingered more than I felt it should have.
My mate if he did survive the trial might not survive the first decade away much less the three others. Thirty years. Sure I had Mattie for support but I wanted him to break free himself and find his own family. So eventually I would have to raise three children alone, protect one beta girl and if the one I was carrying was to be another beta girl or an Omega it would mean protecting them as well. I couldn't watch both at one time, I'd surely lose one when my back was turned. Or worse like with my mother and Mattie they would be taken while I'm at work, never to be seen again.
It was something I couldn't bear; it was crushing my heart but that didn't stop my thoughts. Hell I had a plan already for what to tell my family but what would stop me was that I wasn't sure if I could live with myself. I could lie to them but I wouldn't be able to lie to myself.
Gingerly I laid my hand on my stomach, it was still flat but I swear I could feel tiny movement from below my palm; it might have been nothing but my mind already made it out to be a tiny heartbeat. "Shit…" I muttered softly as I curled up on my bed already hating myself, "Shit…"
"Hmm where did this language come from?" A gentle voice asked from the darkness around, "I swear your father must have had a hand in it."
Instantly I shot up and looked around wide eyed. It was impossible but I found myself calling out to the voice I thought I'd never hear again, "Mom?"
There in the moonlight she stood smiling at me, "Yes my mon ange."
Quickly I ran into her open arms and held her smaller frame close. I swear I could smell the iris neatly tucked behind her ear, "Mommy…" I choked out not caring if it was real or not.
She hummed quietly to me before kissing my cheek, "It's alright my Alfred."
"No it's not Mom. My mate is gone, Mattie's blind, I…I'm thinking of killing my kid cause I'm a selfish dick."
It was then that she slapped me. "Alfred!"
"Well it's true Mom. I'm fucking failing at this shit and I'm looking for a way out." It actually stung so I rubbed my cheek as I looked away. "I'm not you okay? I can't do this. I can fake it. Hell I can put on the smile and parade into that court room like those cameras want me to but I know I'm dying inside. I'm dying and I don't want my kids to suffer for it."
I hadn't heard that kind of sigh for a long time as she took my chin with her delicate fingers, "Alfred, look at me."
Slowly I met hers, "You are not failing baby." While I was prepared to disgust or anger I only saw compassion.
"Then why does it feel like I am?"
Her eyes shined brightly as if she had heard this all before, "Because you care, you have the weight of the world on your shoulders when it's not yours to bear alone. I know because I felt the same things." She took my hand and squeezed it tightly. "But I know you love your babies, all of them."
"I do love them." I answered softly as I wrapped my arms around my stomach. "How did you do this? You always knew what to do and I…"
"Have faith baby," She answered as she slipped one of her hands under my arms resting it on my midsection. My heart ached as I watched her pat my stomach gently, "for you and your little ones because the night doesn't last forever."
I knew what she was trying to say, "But what if the dawn doesn't break?"
"Then follow the light of the stars and they will always bring you home." She answered softly, "You're a strong Omega, mon ange so don't let anyone tell you otherwise." This time it was said sterner, "Not even yourself."
It was then that my voice caught in my throat as I hugged her, "Okay Mom." I whispered finally as she started to disappear before my eyes.
Just as she did I awoke in my bed finding that I wasn't alone. "Morning Natalia…couldn't sleep?" I muttered with my mother's words still in my head.
She looked over still half asleep with a matter of fact tone, "Your bed is warmer."
"Well I'm in it so that might something to do with it." I said with a yawn and an arm stretch. And as I did she inched closer to me as Gabi stirred at my feet. My motherly instincts kicked in as I gave her a halfhearted smile, "Come on its warmer right here." I said with my arms open wide. She didn't have to be told twice as she curled up into my chest as Gabi took her side, "We have another ten or so minutes anyway."
"Thank you Alfred." She said as she snuggled up to me before she fell asleep again.
I laid there awake just running my fingers through her long hair. It couldn't have all been a dream right? Or did she come to me in my hour of need? It wasn't the first time and I hoped it wouldn't be the last.
Years later I would finally turn to my brother and ask him if when he was in trouble during and after the war if our Mother had visited him. He would surprise me by saying no. While he could feel her presence at times she never came to him. But then that might have been because our father was there instead. It wouldn't be a while more than I would feel that presence around me and when I would…I knew instantly it was him.